A/N : Hey everyone! I'm back :) I'm extremely sorry about the long wait (I can't believe I took a six months hiatus on this fic). I've been super busy and also struggling with writers block but I'm back for now! College is starting in the fall, so I honestly have no idea if I will be able to update then, but i am definitely not abandoning this fic! I'll try to get at least one more chapter out during the summer (hopefully I can manage to do 2) and then work on the rest during vacations and things like that.
Shoutout to my beta reader, Kayleigh, and to my friend Babi for her help. This is my first time attempting to write smutty scenes so I'm kind of nervous…
Anyway, thank you so much for being so patient and for all your kind comments — they're what motivated me to come back and write again!
TW: This chapter contains some sexual content and slightly heavy material.
This is the longest chapter I've written, and I hope it'll be worth the wait. Enjoy!
Wailing filled the air, like a blaring alarm clock with no snooze button. Nesta pulled her blanket over her head, trying to go back to sleep, while Cassian turned onto his side, attempting to block out the noise by pressing his ear against the pillow. But after a moment, he sat up with a sigh. Nesta groaned and uncovered her head, facing her reality.
Cassian pretended not to see her, quickening his pace so that he could get to Adira first.
"Cassian, wait," Nesta called, rubbing her bleary eyes.
"I've got her," he answered, gently cradling the baby in his arms and lifting her to his chest.
Adira was barely the size of his forearm and was thinner than his flexed bicep. She looked even tinier than usual next to Cassian's hulking figure.
He rocked her slowly and spoke softly. "Shh, shh, what's wrong? Why are you crying, my savitra? Let's go to sleep now, how does that sound? You're so full of energy already, aren't you, Adira? Mama and Papa are tired though, so how about you take a little nap with us. Yeah? Does that sound good?" He let out a small, tired, yet joyful laugh and stroked Adira's cheek with his index finger as her cries quieted down and she stared up at him with her big, blue-grey eyes. "I'm glad you agree. You're so smart, aren't you? Yes, you are!" He cooed.
Any other day, Nesta would have laughed at the sight, but now, as she lost the fight against her heavy eyelids, she could only feel grateful.
Adira was six days old and hadn't slept for more than two hours straight in all that time, meaning that Cassian and Nesta hadn't either. The first time Adira had cried, Cassian had panickedly summoned Healer Galen and wiped down the whole house in case there was a speck of dust or a single germ somewhere that was bothering her fragile immune system, while Nesta had checked her diaper and attempted to feed her unsuccessfully. Six days later, they had gotten more used to her near-constant crying and were able to manage the situation with minimal panic.
She heard Cassian humming a lullaby to Adira. She made a weak attempt to decipher the words he was saying or at least recognize the tune but she quickly gave up as the task proved to be far too exhausting. His voice grew softer and softer as Nesta's vision faded to black and the sweet oblivion she craved finally overtook her-
"WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA!"
-only to be woken up moments later by her daughter's raging cries.
Cassian sighed defeatedly and handed her the baby, apologetically explaining, "She's hungry and I can't feed her…"
Huffing a laugh, Nesta brought the baby to her breast and Adira started suckling. "It's fine, Cassian."
Still, he looked dejected. "I wanted to let you sleep…"
Nesta let out a stronger laugh, her eyes crinkling slightly as the genuine mirth took over her face. The dark circles and exhaustion seemed to disappear for a moment. Cassian looked mesmerized by her expression.
Nesta gently passed Adira to him after she'd finished feeding and burping her, taking a moment to touch her impossibly soft, dark hair. Cassian rocked her gently and walked over to her crib, speaking in that hushed loving voice he reserved just for Adira.
Adira finally closed her eyes and her breathing slowed slightly, indicating that she had fallen asleep at last. Cassina rocked her for a few more moments, savoring the feeling of her in his arms. She was his miracle in so many ways. She was so strong and beautiful already despite being merely a few days old. Her creation had been so unexpected, especially since most High Fae struggled to conceive. Her smiles made him grateful he'd survived all the horribly violent battles because if he'd died without seeing this sight, his life would have been incomplete. Hell, the world would have been incomplete without this marvelous creature. He never felt more like he belonged — like he was loved — than when she grasped his finger tightly in her tiny hand, her fingers barely wrapping around it. She was a dream he had never dared to think would come true.
Cassian imbued all this love and awe he had for her — his beautiful, precious, incredible daughter — in a soft forehead kiss, before placing her down gently in her crib.
When he turned around, Nesta was already deep in slumber. He covered her with the blanket that lay pooled at her feet and gently brushed her hair out of her eyes with his fingers. He pressed a tiny kiss to her forehead, too, before laying down beside her and finally succumbing to his exhaustion.
"Who's the best girl in the world? That's right, it's you!" cooed Brielle, cradling Adira in her arms. "Aw, are you smiling? Yeah, that's right, it's me, your favorite aunt! We're going to have so much fun together, just watch."
Saibh laughed at Brielle's over-the-top cooing, but Nesta didn't miss how her face softened as she looked at Adira.
Cassian sat next to Brielle on the couch, chatting idly with Riona and Cian.
"Nesta, would you mind showing me where I can get a glass of water?" Khoniya asked. Nesta shot her friend an inquisitive look as she directed her to the kitchen. Khoniya had been to the house many times already and knew exactly where everything was.
The others' voices faded into a background buzz as Nesta poured water into a cup and handed it to Khoniya.
"So," the latter began, taking a sip, "How have you been?"
"I'm all good, you know, it's been a bit tiring but I'm happy," Nesta shrugged, her lips pressed together in a smile that didn't reach her eyes.
Khoniya let out a quiet scoff. "No, really. How are you actually doing?" Though she leaned back on the kitchen counter casually, her eyes were piercing.
Nesta's shoulders fell as she sighed. "I'm exhausted. I love Adira, I do, but my sleep schedule has been completely ruined. I thought it would be better now that she's born, but my back still hurts, my boobs hurt even more, and I can't go an hour without having to empty my bladder. My stomach still has excess fat and stretch marks, which would probably repulse Cassian if he were to see me naked, but he won't because he doesn't touch me — doesn't even kiss me — even though we sleep in the same bed now, probably because he isn't attracted to me anymore after watching me give birth," she rambled, her hands gesturing wildly as she let her emotions loose.
Khoniya nodded. "I understand, Nesta. It takes your body a long time to recover from giving birth. I must admit that I don't miss breastfeeding."
"Adira cries and my boobs start leaking," Nesta muttered. "I can't even control it and it feels as though my body isn't really mine, you know?"
Khoniya winced sympathetically. "It's difficult, but time will fly and before you know it, Adira is going to be running around and being picky about eating vegetables and arguing with you about what clothes she can wear or how late she can stay out with her friends."
"I suppose."
"Nesta, I know how hard it is to deal with, well, everything. But I hope you know that I'm always here and you can always talk to me, about anything, okay? You're an incredible female and even if it feels like your body has changed, you're still you."
Nesta sent Khoniya an appreciative smile. They stood in silence for a few moments.
"Sometimes I hear her crying and I just want her to shut up," Nesta admitted softly, her eyes studying the floor. "I just want a few more seconds of sleep or to be able to go to the bathroom in peace. I know she's just hungry or tired or needs to be changed or something and that it's the only way she can communicate but I just- it just drives me crazy sometimes. And I'm scared that someday I'll burst and… What if I actually hurt her? I hate that I have these thoughts. Sometimes I just feel like I'm suffocating when I hear her screaming. I don't know how to fix it. Khoniya, I'm a terrible mother," Nesta whispered, gulping back her tears.
"No, you're not. You're a wonderful, amazing, brilliant mother and everyone knows you love Adira with all your heart."
"But I-"
"No," Khoniya said firmly, her eyes flashing with intensity, so at odds with her usual calm self. "Nesta, you would never, ever hurt her. You know it and I know it. The only reason why you're having these thoughts is because you're running on minimal sleep, your body is aching, and you haven't been out in weeks. Please don't doubt your ability to be a good mother. You can always talk to me — or to Cassian or Brielle or anyone else. Just talking can make you feel less isolated or suffocated and it can really help. You don't need to do it all alone. Whenever it's too overwhelming, tell me and I'll happily watch Adira for a few hours — or days when she's a bit older. Do something for yourself — take a walk, read a book, go out and eat something special, take a long nap, or just do anything else you want to do. Just take some time and focus on yourself. You love deeply, Nesta, but you can't give your all to Adira all the time. You need to take care of yourself, too."
Nesta made a protesting noise, to which Khoniya replied, "Think of it this way. You're taking care of Adira's mother. Adira's mother needs to be her best self so that she can give Adira her best, right? So you need to make sure she's okay, too."
"It's so hard to find the time…"
"I know. Especially now, when she's so young. But just let someone else watch her for a few hours, sometimes. Get a bottle for her and whatever else she needs, and then just use that time for you. Not doing chores or work — do something for you. Promise you'll take care of yourself, okay?"
Nesta's eyes glistened. "I'll try."
Khoniya smiled. Her eyes seemed to be glowing brighter than usual as she whispered, "That's all I ask."
Nesta stood still, trying to process everything Khoniya had just said. The older female put away her glass and walked back towards the living room. She paused in the doorway and turned around to add, "By the way, have you seen the way Cassian looks at you? You'd have to be blind not to see how much that male wants you."
She was gone before Nesta had a chance to respond.
Nesta woke up, not to the sound of crying, but to the sunlight streaming in through the window. She looked over at the crib and panicked for half a second upon finding it empty, before noticing the open bedroom door and a faint sizzling noise.
Smiling, she slowly got out of bed. She ran a hand through her hair, noting how wonderful the cool floor felt against her bare feet. She followed the noise to the kitchen, where she found Cassian cooking and Adira in her baby bouncer seat next to him.
She suddenly understood Feyre's passion; she, too, would have loved to capture this moment forever in paint. The delectable smell of crepes, Cassian in a loose white t-shirt inadvertently flexing his muscles as he cooked, Adira watching him with her big bright eyes and open-mouthed smile, and the sunlight streaming in through the window giving everything a golden glow made the scene look divine.
Nesta stepped into the room. Both Cassian and Adira's eyes turned towards her and she was struck by how similar they looked, with their matching dark hair, long lashes, and full lips.
"Good morning, Nes," he grinned. "Look, Adira, Mama's here! Good morning, mama!"
Adira blinked and then gave a little giggle while shaking both her arms. She was so adorable and joyful and perfect that Nesta found herself blinking back a tear.
"Good morning, Cassian," she answered, before placing a kiss on Adira's head, "and good morning to you, too, Adira."
Cassian gave her a look that was so soft, she felt as though she had been enveloped in a warm fluffy towel. He turned his gaze back to his cooking, but the smile never left his face.
"Can I help with anything?" Nesta asked, looking around and noting that the table had already been set.
"Nope. Breakfast should be ready in fifteen minutes," he replied as he flipped a crepe expertly.
Nesta stood still, suddenly feeling like her hands were too empty. "Should I take her? Does she need a diaper change or-"
"She's fine. I changed her and she still seems pretty full and energized so you don't need to worry about her." His voice was like a gentle breeze on a spring afternoon.
Nesta remained frozen. "Then, what should I do?"
"Whatever you want, Nesta."
She blinked. It seemed impossible that only a few weeks ago, she'd had hours and hours of free time in addition to full nights of uninterrupted sleep. Even then, she'd longed for more free time — but what had she filled that time with? She struggled to remember.
Motherhood had changed her. Not that she hadn't been a mother before she'd given birth; she had been a mother from the second she'd learned of Adira's existence, but it was undeniable that after Adira's birth, her world had been transformed utterly and completely.
Nesta walked back to her bedroom, feeling as though she was floating. Her gaze slid across the smooth texture of the hallway wall and rolled around her room as she entered it. Her slippers were by her bed, her sweater draped across the back of a chair, as they had been since she'd moved in. The crib, sitting on the other end of the room next to the rocking chair, was also in its original position, though it was now filled with baby blankets and mittens and pacifiers and stuffed animals. The folded black pants and the Illyrian dagger on the stool beside the window were more recent additions. Cassian had moved into her room on Adira's first night home. They hadn't planned it, but Cassian claimed he couldn't sleep at night worrying if Adira was crying across the hallway so he'd taken to rocking Adira to sleep in the rocking chair, and staying there all night. After watching Cassian wincing as he stretched out his muscles which cramped from his awkward sleeping position, Nesta had offered to share her bed.
Nesta tore her eyes away from the gleaming sheath of Cassian's dagger and moved them sideways to the shelves lined with books
Books. She'd read books in her free time. In the past Nesta wouldn't have hesitated to grab a tome and burrow underneath the blankets, yet now something was holding her back. The thought of diving into someone else's story, of exploring realms that were only accessible to the imagination, was still appealing, but it didn't fill her with the usual joy and excitement. No, she wasn't in the mood to read, she wanted… she wanted to take a shower. A nice, long, warm, uninterrupted shower.
Water poured down from the ceiling and slid down her shoulders, her back, her legs. Once she would have compared the water to tear drops and used the cover of the falling water to cry, releasing a mere fraction of her endless agony. The shallow water pooling at her feet would have sent her spiraling into the Cauldron, fear and panic's sharp nails clawing at her too-new fae skin until the desire to end her suffering oozed alongside her blood. Now, the water felt like rain, washing away the stress that had accumulated on her shoulders over the past few weeks. It nourished her, a calming strength seeping into her skin from the consistent stream of water. So as she stepped out of the shower, wrapped in a towel as soft and warm as a hug, she felt refreshed.
"And then Princess Adira fell asleep and everyone lived happily ever after," Cassian's voice dropped to a whisper as he finished the tale he had invented on the spot to put his daughter to sleep. He stepped away from the crib slowly, wincing at the minuscule noise the floorboards made as he shifted his weight. He peered into the crib and noticed that Adira's eyes were still closed and dropped his shoulders in relief, before tip-toeing to join Nesta on the sofa in the living room.
Despite the small space between them, Nesta could feel his body heat as he greeted her with a smile — or perhaps that was just her body heating up in reaction to the sight before her. Cassian's dark hair was tied back in a loose bun, with a few shorter strands hanging loose in front that Adira had undoubtedly tugged loose judging by how haphazard and messy they were. His right arm was slung over the back of the couch, his thick, muscular bicep decorated with swirling Illyrian markings peeking out from under a gray t-shirt, which had a dark spot near the shoulder that looked suspiciously like Adira's drool. His eyes were underlined with dark purple circles and he had a scratch on his chin that was already healing from a mishap involving baby bathes, wet floors, toys, and furniture corners. And yet he had never looked better in Nesta's eyes. Perhaps it was because this tired, casual Cassian on her sofa looked like Adira's father more than an immortal, centuries-old, fearsome fae war general. Stripped of his physical and emotional armor, Cassian felt attainable — like a man she shared a bed and a child with — rather than a legendary hero. Maybe that was why she couldn't stop wondering what would happen if she closed the space between them and intertwined their hands, their lips and their legs. Maybe that was why she couldn't stop wondering how it would feel to be pressed against his strong, hard chest, kissing down the column of his throat and relishing the sounds he'd make.
"Mother knows I love Adira more than life itself and I love every moment I spend with her, but I'll be so relieved when she starts sleeping through the night," he groaned.
"I don't know… I feel like you'll miss that quality time," Nesta teased with a gentle smirk. "When she's a teenager, you'll be complaining about how you wished you had more of that one-on-one special bonding time instead of her hanging out with her friends."
Cassian shook his head, looking playfully affronted. "How dare you? I'm too young to think about having a teenage daughter. No way. Oh, gods, I'm going to have to fight off her suitors, aren't I? My savitra is going to grow up to be just as stunningly beautiful as her mother and fighting 'em all is going to take up all my time, isn't it? I'm going to have to quit my job."
Nesta laughed lightly, trying not to dwell on the fact that Cassian had just called her stunningly beautiful, though she knew her cheeks were already tinted with a rosy hue. Another thought struck her suddenly.
"What does savitra mean?" she asked, tilting her head sideways to rest it against the back of the sofa.
Cassian seemed caught off guard. "What?"
"Savitra? Sevetra?" she tried, wondering if she was mispronouncing it. "I hear you calling Adira that sometimes and I was wondering what it means."
"Savitra, yes. It's an old illyrian word, one of the only ones I know,," he admitted. "Literally, it means 'from the sun' but it's used as an affectionate term, for someone who brings you light and joy. It's a little hard to explain, but you know how sunlight is warm and life-giving? It's energizing and strong while also being calming and peaceful. Well, your savitra puts that sunlight in your heart. Spending time with them, or even just their existence, gives your soul strength and warmth and peace," he explained, gesticulating with his left hand. "I don't know if that made sense, but it's one of my most precious words."
"It made perfect sense," Nesta answered softly, marvelling at how Cassian's overflowing love for their daughter had made her heart feel full, too.
His eyes met hers and she struggled not to lose herself in the amber.
"You said… it's an old illyrian word?" she asked, searching desperately for something to say that would free her from his captivating gaze. "Where did you learn it?"
Cassian blinked a few times, as though he too had fallen victim to the amber. "I…" He cleared his throat. "I learned it from one of the old females at the camp. Nadya was a widow, but whenever she had even a bite of food to spare, she'd give it to us — to the bastards and the orphans and the disowned. She would bless our food before letting us eat it, saying the traditional ceremonial words that are supposed to grant success, wealth, longevity and happiness." Cassian shrugged, his lips curved in a fond smile at the ancient memory. "Who knows, maybe it worked, because here I am, over 500 years old, general of the Night Court, in a house of my own with you and Adira."
Nesta's heart felt molten, radiating heat across her body and melting all her icy barriers. But who could blame her, when Cassian spoke as though she was his happy ending?
"I don't remember the words she used in those blessings. I was always too focused on the food to concentrate on what she was saying, I guess. But one time I found her standing at the edge of a cliff, staring into the sky. Usually Nadya was always busy, always doing chores or helping others, but she was standing still and it felt so strange, so I went up to her to check if she was okay. I heard her whispering to the setting sun. I asked what she was doing, thinking that she was probably praying or verbalizing her thoughts out loud or something. Instead, she told me she was talking to her twin sons, Amael and Zekiel, her savitras. I didn't know that word and I asked about it, and she explained it to me. She told me that even though her sons were dead, they were still her sunlight. She talked to them at sunrise or sunset, when the sun was partially hidden beneath the horizon, because she believed that the sun was in two worlds at once in those moments — the world of the living and the world of the dead."
"Does she still live in Illyria?"
Cassian shook his head, sighing sadly. "No, she passed away about 300 years ago from an illness."
"I'm so sorry." Nesta pressed her lips together, mentally scolding herself for ruining the happy memory Cassian had shared.
"Don't be. She's with her sons now," he smiled. "She meant alot to me and when I first learned of her illness, I tried everything to save her, but once she explained to me how she'd made peace with her death and how she was happy with the life she'd lived, I finally understood that there was no meaning in me calling in the most prestigious healers from Velaris or even the Day court. Even if I managed to save her, she'd already be gone in here." He placed his left hand on his chest, on top of his heart.
"Was she the one who taught you most of the old illyrian words you know?"
Cassian nodded. "She was always trying to teach us the language, but we never wanted to learn. We were all caught up in training, fighting, gaining strength and power and glory in battle and we never bothered to wonder why — why our lives were dedicated to bloodshed, what it was that we were fighting for. She wanted us to listen to her stories about the heroes of old, the gods and the goddesses of Illyria, the mountains and the magic that formed our people. She wanted us to have a culture — a cause, a home — something to defend and fight for in battle, but none of us were wise enough to listen. I wish I hadn't been so naive and that I'd spent the time trying to learn my language and my culture, so I could teach my daughter what it means to be Illyrian. It's not just bravery, brutality, and bloodshed. There's so much more — so many millenniums of history — but most of it has been buried."
A similar conversation they'd had came to Nesta's mind. "You mentioned before that there are still some old females that know the old language and songs and stories. Are they as willing to talk about it as Nadya?"
"They all want us to learn about our culture, of course, but most of them have given up. If someone asks them about it they'll talk about it, but they've stopped trying to get others to listen to them. Only one or two still occasionally try to tell the young warriors the traditional stories when they're gathered around the fire eating dinner or trying to fall asleep, but the young males are usually far too cocky and impatient to listen to an old female talk when they could be showing off to their friends." Cassian rolled his eyes.
Nesta's brows furrowed slightly. "What if the older females passed on their stories and their language to the younger females? You said before that many of the females believe that their place is at home and they don't want to train, but it's hard to build a school for them for a variety of reasons. So what if, instead of a formal education, you instead build a system in which the females become the guardians of Illyrian culture? That way, you could simultaneously revive the Illyrian culture and elevate the status of females in the camps."
Cassian's eyes widened. "Wow, that's… that's brilliant." After a few moments of thinking, however, he bit his lip. "How could I enforce it, though? Even though I'm sure the old females would love the chance to pass on the traditional language and customs, the young females might not be willing to learn. Even the ones that may be open to learning will likely be too busy with chores and cherish every minute of their free time. I don't want it to seem like I'm forcing the females, either, because that will just make them hate the lessons that they think the NIght Court is forcing upon them."
Nesta tapped a finger against her chin, deep in thought. There were certainly a variety of factors she hadn't considered, making the matter infinitely complex and difficult to navigate.
"What if you used a reward system? The females may be reluctant to learn but maybe you could offer an incentive by giving them something. Like extra food or supplies or money or whatever it is they need or want. That way, it won't seem like you're forcing them, but it might motivate them to come — they won't feel like their time could be better used elsewhere. You could designate a period of time short enough that it won't interfere with any of their main chores — maybe just thirty minutes or an hour. You could make it every day, every other day, or even just once a week to start off. Their children should be able to join, otherwise mothers won't be able to attend," she suggested, her eyes sparkling with all her new ideas. "The class shouldn't feel too exclusive, so females who aren't able to attend one of the sessions are still able to go to the next class without feeling ashamed, and those whose husbands — I mean, mates — want to attend a session with them to check out what it is are able to. It shouldn't feel too mysterious or serious, or some fae might feel intimidated or scared or uncomfortable."
Cassian's answering nod was serious yet excited. "Maybe if we pitched it as the older females telling stories, around a fire or in a tent or something, it would feel more casual. The females can tell the traditional tales in the Common Tongue, maybe teach a word or two of the old Illyrian language per class. Later on, if some females seem to be interested in learning more of the language, we could expand on that either in the class or in a separate course. We can have a few different rewards and let the females choose whatever they find most useful."
Cassian's joy was evident as he talked, as the ends of his sentences took on a higher pitch, his hands formed increasingly large gestures, and his words bounced off his tongue energetically.
Nesta couldn't help but smile at his glee. His lips parted to form a wide, answering grin.
Perhaps it was good for Nesta's organs that it only lasted a moment, as his mesmerising smile had stolen the air from her lungs.
"But where am I going to get these rewards from?"
Nesta gestured around them. "Velaris. Or from the Night Court farmers, for food."
"But where is the money going to come from?"
Nesta wanted to kiss away the worried tension in his brow and smooth his forehead. "Well, the Night Court has money, doesn't it? Just explain the plan to Rhys and Azriel and surely they'll allocate some money. They've been trying to solve the issue of inequality for female Illyrians for decades, right?"
"Centuries."
"Then they shouldn't be worried about spending a bit of money on this project, when it could solve such an important issue," Nesta said, trying to make her point without wording it too harshly against the members of the Inner Circle. She knew Cassian understood her dislike of them on a personal level, but she also understood how important the Inner Circle was to him. Besides, on issues like this one, it was better to try to view them as strangers who held political power — it allowed her to be more rational. So she did her best to stay neutral, even as Cassian's reply made her want to scream.
"They won't see it that way. They've always thought that the females should become warriors and fight alongside the males in order to achieve equality. They could grudgingly accept that giving the females an education — a traditional Prythian, high fae-esque education — could be beneficial, but this? They'll just see it as a waste of the females' time."
Nesta took three deep breaths to calm herself before replying in a tone that barely concealed her fury, "What about the cultural part, at least? Surely they'll see that this is an important element in reviving Illyrian culture?"
Cassian shook his head. "They don't care about the culture. They know it once existed but it doesn't mean much to them. Az has always had a complicated relationship with Illyria. Sometimes… sometimes I wonder if he'd even blink if it was burned to ashes. Rhys loves Illyria in his own way, but he is a product of the Velaris, not Illyria. Maybe in a way, he is happy that being Illyrian is just about bloodline and wings and strength, instead of stories and cultures and languages, because he can be just as Illyrian as the rest of us, even though he's never been unable to picture a life outside the camps, a life without bloodshed. He's never loved the wild Illyrian mountain ranges with all his soul yet also hated them for trapping him within them. He's never had to wonder why we're fighting for peace, when our lives are dedicated to war. He's never gone to bed hungry or had to understand why fae are willing to kill each other for half a spoon of rice. He has always had the luxury of being the High Lord heir, of knowing a life outside Illyria, of comfort and peace and plenty. He can distance himself from Illyrians whenever he wishes — just a thought and his wings disappear. He never felt like he was being destroyed, torn between his love for Illyria and his hatred for the injustices and horrors of Illyria, which both burn equally fiercely inside." Cassian's eyes glittered but his expression was fierce. "He's never had to face those harsh truths or deal with those brutal circumstances like every other Illyrian. He's never had to face the fact that the only use anyone has for Illyrians is to send them into battle as expendable bodies; a weapon to wield and a means to an end. No one truly cares about Illyrians, much less their culture."
"You do." Her answer was sharp and unyielding. She would not let this male before her, whom others had deemed worthless by the circumstances of his birth, the color of his skin, or the wings on his back, undervalue himself. He was a leader who always believed in his people, a warrior-god worthy of epics, and a strict and dedicated trainer, but also a loyal and supportive friend who always had your back, a male who never failed to brighten the room with a joke or a smile, and an incredibly loving and caring father. He could destroy legions with a flare of his siphons. He could move mountains or part the oceans if he wished. He could do anything he set his heart on. Nesta would not let him believe any less of himself.
She knew that she had hurled ugly words at him, hoping to penetrate his happy mask. She wished she could take them all back — every "Bastard", "Brute", and degrading sneer she'd sent in his direction. He had never seemed affected, but she couldn't help but wonder if any of them had cut him deeply. She could only hope he understood that she'd never meant any of those insults. She had been grappling with too many emotions — envy and self-hatred, anger and sorrow, fears about the new fae world she'd entered and about how inexplicably drawn she was to Cassian — and she had dealt with the only way she knew, channelling it all into cruelty.
Perhaps he saw it all in her eyes, every thought and emotion she still didn't know how to voice aloud but carried deep within her. He swallowed loudly, his throat jumping before his jaw settled into a resolute line.
"I do," he answered roughly, a million emotions hidden in those two words. Nesta knew she would never be able to fully understand the depth and complexity of what Illyria was to Cassian. The closest she'd come to it was when she'd decided to advocate for the humans during the War; despite them turning their back on her when she'd lost her wealth and the fact that she was no longer human and had no family left, she hadn't been able to stand by and let them die. The fae hadn't even flinched at the possibility of thousands of unaware humans becoming victims of the War; she'd seen in their eyes that human lives meant less to them than the dirt beneath their feet. And though she knew exactly how terrible and cruel and sadistic humans could be, some part of her that had been born a human and grown up a human couldn't do less than her best to save as many lives as possible. She knew it wasn't the same as Cassian's suffering, knew that there was a special type of agony in being rejected by your people and being loved by those who hated your people, knew that nothing could compare to the pain of watching your culture disappear before your eyes. His struggle to find his place, his identity and relationship with both Illyria and the Night Court were his own, but she would be beside him, supporting him no matter what. She wanted to be a rock in his turbulent sea, just as he and Adira and Brielle and Khoniya were hers.
His hazel eyes looked like they were glowing as he looked at her, his determined face showing that he'd decided to fight for this cause with all everything he had.
She couldn't tear her eyes away from his. He was a glorious sight to behold, the east wind sweeping in an era of change, unyielding, unrelenting, and unstoppable. He was nothing short of a god, and though he felt so far removed from what a human Nesta could have ever imagined building a life with, Nesta knew she wouldn't have him any other way; she wouldn't let him be anything less than who he really was.
A new emotion entered his eyes, swirling alongside the rest in the soft amber.
His voice was impossibly soft yet thick as he uttered, "You're amazing, Nesta."
She tried to remind herself that he was just thanking her for her suggestions, tried to remember how to think and talk and recall what else existed in the world besides Cassian.
"Nes," he breathed, and then his left hand was cupping her cheek gently, firmly, ever so tenderly. His touch set her skin aflame and lightning coursed through her veins. She inched closer to him, willing him to let her taste his lips as she'd been longing to do for weeks.
His eyes fluttered as he watched her. She wet her lips with her tongue, wishing it was his. Each second felt infinite and she felt suspended in animation, utterly at Cassian's mercy. Why wasn't he kissing her yet, she wondered absently, more focused on the texture of his calloused fingertips against her skin. But as a few more seconds passed — eternities in this moment — she felt her doubts and worries crawl up into her mind once more. What if he didn't want to kiss her anymore? What if he didn't find her attractive? What if he was trying to find a kind way to let her down and inform her that they would only ever be friends? What if he'd met someone else who he was interested-
He let out a sound and moved, pressing his lips to hers, and just like that, her fears disintegrated. There was only him, his lips, his tongue, his taste. She let her arms move as they wished, wrapping around his neck to deep the kiss, rising on her knees to match his height even sitting down. His lips were so soft, even as he kissed her hard. His right hand fell to her waist, tugging her closer to him. He tasted like mountain air and magic, mirth and mystique, and she couldn't get enough. She wondered why she'd ever turned to alcohol when getting drunk on his lips — on his taste — was far more pleasurable. She moaned quietly into his mouth, causing his grip to tighten. She decided to close the remaining distance between them and make herself more comfortable, shifting forward to slide into his lap. His lips left hers as she straddled him. She was about to let a whine, her pride be damned, when he brought them to her neck, sucking deliciously on the sensitive skin. A sigh of pleasure escaped her, Cassian trailed kisses down the column of her neck, gently brushing her hair out of the way. Her mouth returned the favor, pressing kisses against his jawline before playfully nipping his ear. She savored the soft groans and whimpers he couldn't hold back, that fell against her skin. Cassian's lips were skimming the neckline of her top now. She couldn't help but arch her back, raising her chest to his face. His hand left her cheek and gripped her waist, his thumb brushing up against the underside of her breast, sending sparks flying all over her body and causing her to squirm in his lap. It was only then that she realized just how wet she was. She hadn't had sex in months — almost a year now — and Cassian was treating her like his personal feast. She moved her hands, letting go of his neck to grip his hair. One hand gently undid his bun to let his silky strands fall loosely, and she ran her fingers through it. One of her fingertips accidentally brushed against his wing, and she felt him freeze. Detaching her lips from his skin, she willed her hazy brain to quickly think of words to apologize for touching that part of him without asking, to explain that it had been an accident but that she knew Illyrians placed special value in their wings and she shouldn't have done that, especially since Cassian's wings had been broken far too many times in recent history. Before any words left her lips, Cassian wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her even closer, so she was sitting on his manhood. She could feel the large, hard bulge even through the fabric of both of their clothes and she rocked against him instinctively, her body begging for friction. He bit down on her shoulder as she tugged his hair. His left hand travelled upwards until it was cupping her breast. Nesta sucked on a particularly sensitive spot she found right underneath his jawline, circling the spot with her tongue before kissing it once more. The sounds he made went straight to her core, as did his thumb playing with her hardened nipples through the fabric of her clothes. She had never regretted not being naked so much. She rocked against him again, moaning as his bulge brushed perfectly against her clit. He lowered his right hand, gripping her ass, and she tightened her legs around him, making both of their breaths hitch.
"Cassian," she whispered urgently, knowing she needed more, knowing her body had never felt this alive despite the fact that they were both fully dressed. Her left breast brushed Cassian's hard chest, her nipple treasuring the sensation.
"Please, Cassian," she pleaded, not even knowing what she was begging for, just that she needed him.
"Nesta," he breathed, kissing her chest. "Nesta. Nesta. Nesta." He was so incredibly hard beneath her. Something was throbbing, pulsing at her core — she didn't know if it was him or her but her grip on his hair. "Gods, Nesta." His husky voice only helped to intensify the pulsing. "You're so beautiful, Nes. I- fuck- please, please, I need to- can I-"
She didn't know what he was asking, but she knew it didn't matter; it wouldn't change her answer in the slightest.
"Yes, gods, Cassian, yes, please," she moaned softly into his ear.
His hand slid lower, underneath her ass, and his left hand moved from her breast to wrap around her back. Then he was standing up, and she could only wrap her arms and legs tighter around him. A pleasurable shiver ran up her shine as Cassian turned around, placing her down gently on the couch, standing in between her legs. She detached her legs from his waist, fixing her position and bringing a cushion to rest beneath her back. When she looked again, Cassian was no longer standing; instead, he was kneeling between her thighs, licking his lips. He looked like a dream, a fantasy pulled straight out of her imagination. He kissed her inner thigh, going higher and higher, closer and closer to where she wanted him. When he reached her underwear, however, he turned to the other thigh. Nesta felt her eyes flutter shut. A finger tapped against her cheek, startling her and causing her to open her eyes. Cassian smirked at her from where he was kneeling.
"Don't close your beautiful eyes. Keep them open. I want you to watch me."
His words added kindling to the raging fire of her arousal.
"Fuck, Cassian," she groaned, gripping his hair back.
This time, when he reached her underwear, he didn't stop. Instead, he pressed one soft kiss to her core, right next to where she needed him. A kiss that made her core clench, but a kiss that was far too gentle with the fabric between them. His thumbs rose up, gripping the sides of her underwear, and dragging it down at a tortuous pace, all while making eye contact with her. His fingertips replaced her underwear, first sliding along her slit and then circling around her clit before flicking it once. Nesta's legs spread wider, her tongue spewing out a series of curses.
She swore that Cassian's eyes darkened.
"So sensitive," he remarked. "Imagine what delicious sounds you'll make when I make you cum on my tongue."
He didn't wait for a reply before moving his fingers, circling, flicking, sliding, pinching. He tested different speeds and strengths, his other hand clenching her thigh every time she made a noise. He kept his eyes on hers the whole time, watching as she struggled not to succumb to the weight of her eyelids, letting her grip his hair just as tightly as she needed. When she started cursing and moaning at every touch, Cassian removed his fingers, and pressed a singular kiss to her clit. Her whole body was tingling, sparking, bursting. He pressed another kiss, right below it. Before she could yell or beg to make him stop teasing her, he parted his lips and slid his tongue against her. Her core tightened, every part of her fizzling and quivering, whimpering and begging. He licked her, his tongue swirling, exploring and tasting her. Kissing and sucking and flicking her just enough to turn her into a moaning mess, his tongue left her skin only to tease her once more. His tongue felt divine, working her perfectly as pressure built up within her.
"That's it, Nesta. So wet for me," he said, his rumbling voice vibrating against her core, making her let out a sound halfway between a sob and a moan.
"You taste so good, Nes. If I could, I'd only drink this for the rest of my life. Gods." He clenched her thigh again as she whimpered loudly. "Look at you, your beautiful pu-"
"WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA!"
They both froze. They stared at each other like deer caught in a bright light, hoping that it had merely been their imagination.
"WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA!"
"Maybe," Cassian whispered, "if we're very quiet, she'll fall back asleep."
"WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA!"
"Do you really think she'll put herself to sleep?"
"Maybe she'll get tired of crying," Cassian hoped.
"She never puts herself to sleep," Nesta replied, after taking a deep breath and trying to cool down her arousal.
"Miracles can happen," Cassian answered, though he moved away from her and rose to his feet. "She was a miracle."
"Maybe we used up our quota." Nesta pulled up her underwear, trying to ignore how soaked it was.
"WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA! WAAAAAA!"
Cassian closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. After a few moments, he offered Nesta his hand, helping her get up from the sofa. "I swear to gods, though, this kid has the worst timing," Nesta sighed as they walked to their room.
"That she does," Cassian replied, shaking his head.
He lifted her gently out of her crib, resting her against his shoulder and patting her back. Realizing Adira would likely either yank or spit up on his hair, which she'd previously undone, Nesta rose up on her tippy-toes behind Cassian and gently brushed his hair back, tying it in a half-bun.
He sent her a grateful smile over his shoulder that Nesta knew would be ingrained in her memory forever.
"Shh, shh, Adira, please go back to sleep. See how it's still dark outside? That means it's time to close your eyes," Cassian said softly, stroking her back. "Sleepy time, savitra."
"WAAAAAA!" answered Adira.
Nesta let out a breathy laugh. She sat down on the bed and stretched her arms out to Cassian. He handed her their daughter, whose big blue eyes blinked up at her sleepily. Adira opened and closed her mouth a few times and Nesta knew she'd hit the mark in assuming their daughter was hungry. Removing her top, she brought Adira to her breast, cradling her carefully to avoid her minuscule wings.
"Maybe she's just a bit selfish," Cassian suggested suddenly. Nesta raised an eyebrow.
"Maybe she wants both her parents' attention on her," he explained. "She doesn't want to have to share it with anyone else. That's why she doesn't want us to make her a sibling."
Nesta rolled her eyes, laughing lightly while shaking her head. Cassian grinned and sat down next to her on their bed.
Nesta rolled her shoulders, trying to ease the slight ache in her muscles. Cassian pressed his fingers into her shoulder blades, massaging her. She leaned back, resting her back against his hard chest, and he moved his fingers to her collarbone, rubbing circles into her skin.
Nesta sighed contently as Cassian pressed a kiss first on Adira's head and then on Nesta's temple.
The three of them sat there, their scents mingling as they huddled close together. Cassian, who had finally found an unconditional family, and Nesta, who had never known that a home could be so loving and peaceful, gazed down at Adira — their miracle who still had her whole life ahead of her — and marvelled at how their tumultuous journeys had brought them here.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Please leave reviews to let me know what you thought and to motivate me to write the next chapter :)) Follow / favorite to get email notifications when I update. I hope you enjoyed it!