Mike,
Look, I know we're not exactly close, but given I'm literally on my death bed, I can admit that it's as much my fault as it is yours. I was so guarded when we first met, most of my friendships from California had ended really badly, and I was so terrified of being hurt again that I responded to your hostility with my own. That's not to say yours was justified, but I understand why you were so reluctant to include me, you guys had more reason to be secretive then most people. Then I just sort of got in the habit of being annoyed with you, and it was hard for me to stop. I know that not all the times I snapped at you were justified though, so sorry about that. Not that any of this really matters anymore, I just want you to know that I understand why you acted the way you did when we first met, and you don't get to take all the blame for us not being closer.
If you tell the others this I will find a way to kill you even from beyond the grave, but you're a good guy Mike. Maybe a bit of an asshole, and you definitely have a lot to learn about sexism, but ultimately a good guy. It's obvious how much you care about your friends and even your more annoying habits come from a place of wanting to protect them. I do admire that, and I consider myself lucky that I count in that group. Even with all our arguing, if push came to shove, I know you would have had my back and I hope you know I would have had yours too.
I think you know that all the times I made fun of your hobbies was done in friendly teasing, but if I ever went ot far, I'm sorry. I know sometimes I come off harsher or more blunt then I mean to, my mom's always saying that, but I never meant any of it seriously. D&D and Lord of the Rings aren't exactly my thing, but I think it's cool how unashamed you are to be into them. You always wear your interests on your sleeve without caring what anyone says or thinks. I wish I could be like that.
I'm not going to tell you not to break El's heart, sometimes relationships just end that way even if you don't want them to. I've seen enough relationships fall apart to know that. What I am going to say is be careful. A lot of the world is new to her, but she isn't a child. I know you want to help, but she doesn't need you constantly explaining things or looking after her. What she does need is for you to be there. I know you can't always physically be with her, but if you want to be in a relationship with her, you need to be there for her. El's a quit person, she internalizes a lot, and as much as possible she's going to try and appear unphased by things, but none of that means she actually doesn't care. She wants to talk to you, but she needs help figuring out how to put her feelings into words. So get over whatever stupid "manily" reason you have for not wanting to actually talk about stuff and just be honest with her about your emotions. She's going to need someone there, especially after this. El's lost so many people, and I'm not saying my death will effect her as much as Hopper's, but it'll just be something else added to the list, and I won't be around to help her though it this time. So you need to be fully emotionally available for her, okay? She's going to need someone to help her thought it. That's all I'm asking you to do.
I've definitely strayed from the point now, but that needed to be said. The point really is, don't blame yourself for our relationship being kind of shit. That was on both of us. And I meant what I said before, I'm glad I could call you my friend.
Max