Lucas,

This shouldn't be this hard. You're the easiest person in the world to talk to, I've told you things I wouldn't even dream about telling anyone else, but every time I try to write this it's like something'd holding me back. I keep trying to post pone and figure out other people I can write to first, but I know I'm running out of time. I can't keep stalling, because really who knows how long I've got and I can't leave you without a letter. There's no universe where that would be fair, and besides I have more to tell you then anyone else. After everything you've done for me, everything we've been through, I owe you an explanation. Even if I didn't, I want to to explain, and seems like this might be my last chance.

It scares me how easy you are to talk to sometimes. How much of myself I'm willing to show you and how much more you were able to see without me having to say anything. That's why I pushed you away. I mean, you could always see through all my bullshit, and for some reason you always used that to see the good in me no matter how hard it was, but if you could do that how could you not also see the bad? And sooner or later you'd realize how much the bad outweighed the good, and you'd leave. I'm used to people leaving or pointing out my flaws, but from you I didn't think I'd be able to handle it, so I left before you could. I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad or sorry for me, I just want you to know what was going on so you don't spend the rest of your life wondering about it. And I know you're going to say you wouldn't have left, and I know you mean that, but I still couldn't take that chance. So I cut it off before that could happen, and I didn't give you a choice in it because I knew if I did you would insist that you didn't mind. That you wanted to help, wanted to be there for me, and I knew my resolve would crumble and I'd let you. So I had to just do it.

I know all you really wanted was to be able to help, so I want you to know that you did, way more then anyone else. You know more about the shit that was going on with me and my family then anyone else, and I know it wasn't fair of me to put that stuff on you, but just knowing I could helped more then I expected it to. It was like this weight off my shoulders, knowing that at least when we were alone I didn't have to try and hide anything or worry about what I was saying. That's probably why your bedroom is like my favorite place in the world. Even when we were arguing about comics or bickering about what movie to go see, I felt safer there then I think I have anywhere else, because when we were there I knew it was just you and me and we could talk about anything. Being there helped. You helped. Don't blame yourself for what happened, because there was literally nothing else you could have done. You were there for me even when I was deliberately trying to push you away and made it clear there was no "winning me back" this time. You still went out of your way to try and check in or invite me to things. You've done more for me then anyone else ever has, and have gone way beyond what could reasonable be expected. And not talking to you about this stuff didn't have anything to do with not trusting you. I trust you more then anyone, that just still wasn't enough for me to risk opening up. There were times I almost did, but at the last second I would always back out. That's not on you. It's on me. It's my fault I'm in this position, not anyone else's.

Point is, I need you to know that the breakup had nothing to do with you. None of them did. Sure, maybe you said some stupid stuff now and then, but most of the time I'd gone into the conversation already looking or a fight. You were the best boyfriend anyone could have ever asked for. It was never about you, it was about my fear of you realizing I wasn't the girlfriend you deserved or I wasn't worth the effort. And instead of trying to be better, I looked for reasons to test that theory. I know that's fucked up, but hey, I did just tell you I wasn't a great girlfriend. But you were a fantastic boyfriend, there was nothing about you or our relationship I would have changed.

I told Dustin this too, but you guys stalking me is easily the best thing that's ever happened to me. When I got to Hawkins I was planning to just stick to myself and had convinced myself that I was okay with that, but the truth was I was just scared of getting hurt again. But you guys sought me out and let me into your party even though I was basically a stranger, and I couldn't be more grateful. I'd never had friends like you guys, people who would stick around no matter what, even when I was the reason you were in danger. It meant more to me then I ever bothered to tell you guys. But hey, at least I'm saying it now, right?

Try not to close yourself off, okay? I know you always want to be the one who's there for everyone else, but for once let them be there for you instead. They want to help, and okay they might not really know what they're doing, but please let them try. And I know this will take time, but you can't let this be it. You deserve the world, more then anything else I want you to be happy, so at some point you have to move on. There are plenty of girls out there, ones who will be way better girlfriends then I ever was, I want you to give them a chance, alright? As soon as you feel ready, don't hold back because of some misplaced loyalty to me. You don't owe me anything. You've already done more then I could have ever asked for. Please, find someone who makes you happy.

I know Dustin and Mike are giving you a hard time about baseketball, but try to cut them some slack. They don't actually mean anything by it, I think they just sort of resent the fact you aren't around as much, and are maybe a little worried that you're going to become to cool to hang out with them. Which I know is bullshit, you're as much of a dork as the rest of them and always will be, but I guess I kind of get why they're worried about it. They'll come around. They care about you way more then whatever resentment they have towards jocks. And according to the radio announcers you're a hot shoto sports star now, I'm sure there will be plenty of other games for them to prove that.

Now that I've started writing I don't want to stop. That's what I mean, you're so easy to talk to that even if parts of this letter have sucked and you're not actually reading it in real time, I still don't want to stop. Part of it is that this is the last letter, and part of me feels like the second I stop writing Vecna's going to swoop in, but mostly it's just that there's so much more I want to tell you. I want to give you a detailed list of all the reasons Halloween is better then Nightmare on Elm Street, or complain about the book I'm reading for our English assignment. There's so many little stupid things like that that I want to tell you, but I know if I start adding that kind of stuff I'll never stop writing. I know that stuff doesn't really matter, but I miss talking to you about it just as much as I miss the more serious moments. Honestly I miss them more. But if I start doing that I will really never stop, and if I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the Wheelers' basement I can't keep going forever..

I guess all of this was just an over long way of telling you that nothing about our relationship or the situation I'm in is your fault. To bad I didn't work that out half an hour ago, huh? I could have just said that first and spent the rest of the letter filling you in on my very important and objectively correct movie opinions. Seriously though, you're the best friend and boyfriend that anyone could have ever asked for, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you that more often when I had the chance. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate it, I just never bothered to say it. But I'm so glad we moved to Hawkins, even if it means Vecna gets the better of me. I'd rather have a few years as a member of your party, then a lifetime on my own in California.

Now go live the rest of your life. And thanks again, for everything you've done for me.

Love,

Max