Summary:
After the curse is broken and they are all grown up again Reborn decides to return to his occupation as World's Greatest Hitman. His first job is an easy one so he can get used to his adult body again. A british woman. Civvie, researcher and author of articles for a strange conspiracy theory magazine he's never heard of before.
But being the ignorant muggle he is following Luna Lovegood into a forest where it's mating season for pygmybluffs is not something he could have ever adequately prepared for.
As it is, he really should have heeded that warning sign instead of taking it as a personal challenge as he usually does.
Story:
This entire job has been strange from the very beginning.
A file anonymously dropped at his most secret safehouse - he'll have to find a new one now because this one is obviously not safe anymore - payment in odd pure gold coins and a target with a truly horrid fashion sense - which in itself is not that strange, current teenage and young adult fashion is an atrocity. What happened to the classy 50s style? - that somehow keeps giving him the slip when none of his previous targets ever could.
She keeps vanishing from and appearing in the most unusual of places. Getting out of dead ends, stuck elevators and locked public restrooms. Appearing in a tightly packed airport from a 'staff only'-door when she clearly isn't staff or showing up in a lake without so much as a splash in the middle of the night. This woman he's been paid to kill is possibly the strangest civilian he's seen in a good long while.
Following her into a section of a forest that had been clearly signed with 'Keep out' certainly hasn't been Reborn's original plan to take care of this particular target. But he'd had to abandon his original plan three weeks ago when she'd given him the slip on a train that had been crossing a bridge in southern france.
She'd just vanished into thin air and Reborn had had to pay Viper through the nose to figure out where his target had gone. Somehow she'd made it from southern france to London in less than an hour. If he hadn't gotten close enough to sense that she is firmly latent and rather rainy to boot he'd have suspected a mist portal but there had been no traces of mist at all from where she had vanished. So her having been ported out by someone else isn't a possible explanation either.
So here he is now, three weeks into a job he'd considered easy enough to function as practice to get used to his grown up body again. He is endlessly frustrated and annoyed with this strange woman - there is no doubt his abilities are still as top notch as they used to be before he got cursed so her constantly giving him the slip is vexing him something fierce - his bank accounts have suffered after he'd had to employ Viper's help repeatedly and if it weren't for his pride as the World's Greatest Hitman he'd have abandonned this job at least a week ago after he'd somehow been ported from his stakeout - tarned as a picnic in a park she'd been visiting repeatedly for a few days - into the smelly sewers of some tiny village in the middle of bumfuck nowhere in England.
And now he is traipsing through a forest following his target's footprints - who the hell goes barefoot during march in England? Is she trying to freeze her toes off? - in another attempt to finally complete his latest job. At this point he is ready to just shoot her the moment he sees her without wasting a single thought on finesse, alibi or clean up. He really just wants this stupid job over and done with.
The rustling of a bush to his right draws his attention and he narrows his eyes at the plant. It's an evergreen so despite the surrounding flora mostly just starting to recover from the dead of winter it is actually impossible to see what is hiding in the bush. Though considering the plant's size it's certainly not going to be something bigger than a fox.
He is ready to dismiss it and just continue on his path when a tiny, green, fluffy ball of something tumbles out of the bush. Its colour is almost an exact match of Leon's and for a moment he wonders if his chameleon followed him out here growing fur to protect himself from the chill. Leon certainly could do something like that. He's already bending down to pick up his wayward pet when the fluffy ball blinks up at him revealing big, dark blue eyes.
Not Leon then. But before he can return his focus to his job a horizontal slit beneath the thing's eyes opens, a long, red tongue not unlike Leon's lashs out and wraps around his hand. A moment later he has a handful of a tiny, furry, green creature like he's never seen before and the thing is chittering at him.
It's kind of cute and considering that he's ambidextrous it won't be a hindrance to completing his job. It also won't be able to tattle on him so keeping it for now should be okay. Maybe he can introduce it to Leon later so his chameleon doesn't feel as lonely when he can't take him on a job. Like this time.
Returning his attention to his job he picks up following his target's footsteps again. They are clearly visibly to his flameenhanced sight even as the forest grows darker the further he gets into it. He doesn't really pay it much attention. Deep forests tend to be dark even in the middle of the day, so there really is no need to worry.
He stumbles over a root and frowns. He never stumbles. Throwing a disgruntled look at the offensive root he blinks slowly and his frown deepens.
Where are his target's footprints? He's made sure to follow them while keeping slightly to the side so he can clear his own traces on his way out without destroying hers. Someone has to be able to find her body somehow if he wants to recieve that second half of his payment.
But the only visible footprints are his own. Which begs the question: When did he lose her trace and why didn't he notice sooner? Now he'll have to track back and hope she hasn't vanished into thin air again before he can find and kill her.
Growling annoyed - he's in the middle of a deserted forest, nobody is going to witness his little slip of composure so he doesn't bother hiding it - he turns around to trace his own steps only to stop and stare.
He is surrounded by his own footprints. Did he walk in a circle with a roughly 2 meter radius without noticing? What the actual fuck?
A chitter off to his left draws his attention to another tiny ball of fluff sitting in the branches of a tree. It's turquoise with bright pink eyes that stare rather intently at him. From his hand at his side the green fluffball he picked up earlier - how much earlier? How long has he been walking in circles? - answers. It's chatter sounds a little warbled, muffled, and Reborn frowns down at it.
It takes an unusually long second for his brain to comprehend what he is seeing. The green fluffball has wrapped it's tongue around his wrist twice the tip resting above his pulse point. No, not resting. There are tiny needles - teeth, his unhelpful brain insists - burrowed into his skin. He stumbles again.
What the fuck is happening? And why is that thing biting at his wrist?
Instead of an answer the green ball grins up at him sharp, needlelike teeth surrounding its extended tongue. There is a shrill shriek coming from his side as the turquoise one somehow launches itself at him mouth opened and tongue ready to lash out.
Instinctually he makes a grab for his gun to defend himself but where there should be his gun hidden underneath his jacket there is nothing. What the fuck? Where did his gun go? Cursing underneath his breath that comes oddly heavily - when has he been out of breath like this the last time? Actually, has he ever been? He doesn't really remember - he dodges the turquoise missile only to feel something wrap around his throat.
His grab for whatever is trying to strangle him is disrupted by Green shooting out a second tongue for his free hand and reeling it back in effectively tying his hands together. This time he feels the tiny needles attached to the tongue burrow into the skin above his pulsepoint but it seems a little unimportant compared to the thing around his neck - possibly turquoise's tongue - tightening until he's choking and then wiggeling its way up towards his face and INTO his nose.
Its slimy and he can feel tiny needles burrow into the inside of his nose but the sensation fades in favour of the colours around him turning brighter and the trees losing form. It looks like they are dancing to a tune he isn't privy to.
There are bright colourful spots bursting like bubbles in his vision and he thinks he hears giggling from somewhere. When he turns into the direction of the sound he is met with his target. He's finally found her. Or has she found him? And why does she look like that?
He remembers her picture in the file showing a young woman, mid to late twenties with fair skin, slightly bulbuous blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. So why is her skin covered in furry, darkly coloured dots? Where there should be her eyes are two big flowers blossoming he knows but can't name right now. From her back protrude a pair of giant butterfly wings and her hair writhes like he'd expect a real life version of Medusa's snake-hair to do.
'You're a meanie, you know that, Mr. Black Topaz?', she tells him rather cheerfully considering her skin looks like it is melting off of her like hot wax from a candle.
'If you'd told me you wanted to go sacrifice yourself in the name of scientific research I would have brought proper equipment to document what is going to happen within your body after the pygmybluff killed you.', she continues casually her voice making an odd dip into rather inhuman growling in the middle of her sentence.
Her words don't make any sense. What the fuck is a pygmybluff? And why isn't she more concerned with the giant centipede emerging from a dark, furry dot on her right shoulder?
'What?', he tries to ask but all that comes out of his mouth is a warbled noise that doesn't sound like any word in particular. Though considering that she just keeps talking his question - no matter if she understood it or not - wasn't actually needed.
'Pygmybluffs are fascinating creatures, don't you agree? Outside of mating season they look and act just like pygmypuffs. But during mating season they reveal their parasitic nature. Did you know that they mate for life but it is only the male that actually goes hunting?', she chatters on while she waves her hands at him. He couldn't care less for random facts about these strange furry creatures. He's too fascinated with her skin dripping off her hands revealing flesh and muscles and sinews beneath and her apparently not noticing.
A sudden burst of rainflames - hadn't she been latent? How the hell did she manage to hide her flames so well that she felt latent to his senses? - returns her melting skin to its proper place and the thing around his throat losens. Instinctively he makes a grab for it with both hands to completely dislodge it and get it out of his nose. That aside though the strangeness surrounding him doesn't change.
Is he high? Or has a mist gotten the drop on him? No matter what it actually is, he is not going to tell the others about this rather spectacular failure of his. He'd never hear the end of it.
'A pity. Purple suits you really well. But it didn't look all that healthy.', she mourns and Reborn tries to make a grab for her. He might not have his gun right now but while it is his favourite weapon it certainly is not the only way he can kill her. She is still his target after all.
He stumbles again grabbing onto a branch a dancing tree is holding out to him to keep from falling and embarrassing himself even further as she casually twirls a little pirouette and sidesteps him.
'Anyway, contrary to popular believe it's not actually the male that kills its victim but the female. The male hunts and once he's found a good victim he injects it with haluzinogenics and a pheromone that makes the victim follow the female's scent back to where she is waiting. But I don't really need to tell you all that, do I? I mean, you did just experience exactly that. Or were you not paying attention?', she natters on looking a mix of disappointed and affronted at the possibility that he might not have been aware that he was being led on by a strange fur ball. But honestly, what kind of paranoid do you have to be to be prepared for something like that to happen? He might be Mafia and have had several people try to kill him but he preferrs to be prepared for actual threats instead of every possible phantasy creature having a man-eating equivalent.
'Regardless, once the victim has made it back to the female she then kills the victim by sticking her tongue up the victim's nose until she reaches the brain, using the mouth at the tip of her tongue to eat it. That usually takes several hours so you should be safe. The most she'll have managed before I showed up is a little nibble. Nothing big.', she tries to comfort him and Reborn wonders what he should be more upset about, her continuously calling him a victim when he is anything but or a strange creature possibly having taken a bite of his brain.
'Once the female is done eating the brain she then makes liberal use of her body being malleable by entering the now empty skull through the nose followed by her mate doing the same and they start nesting and procreating. That usually takes roughly three days followed by four weeks of breeding period. During that time the male releases pheromones to keep the victim's organs fresh for the young ones to feed on later. Someone theorized that the furcolour they develop depends on which organs they get to eat as young ones but it has yet to be proven. So really, not telling me you wanted to sacrifice yourself in the name of scientific research was mean.', she muses and for all that Reborn leans heavily on his flames to burn out whatever these creatures injected him with, the situation doesn't seem to be returning to normal anytime soon. This woman, his target, is completely nuts. Where did she get that child's nightmare from?
'Ah, I see, are you back?', she asks cheerfully.
The flowers in place of her eyes are not a hallucination. She's wearing a flowercrown that is too big for her head and has slipped down to cover her eyes. The hallucinogenic just enhanced what was already there. The butterfly wings apparently aren't an illusion either. The furry dots and the centipede thankfully though have vanished.
He squashs the silly urge to tell her he'd never been gone in favour of glaring murder at her. But before he gets his bearings enough to actually kill her a red beam of light hits him in the chest and his world goes dark.
The first thing he notices when he comes back to awareness is the stampede in his head. He stops himself from groaning though because he is surrounded by his fellow ex-arcobalenos' flame signatures and he refuses to expose his own current vulnerability like that.
Blinking open his eyes he confirms what his flamesense - and ears, Skull's obnoxious cackle is rather distinctive - already told him. They are all here, in the same room as him and 'here' is the living room of the Arcobaleno Mansion. How in the world did he get here after losing conciousness half a continent away in the middle of a forest? Had his target brought him? But how had she gotten him past pass control on their way into the country. And how had she known where the Mansion was? Or had she contacted one of the others to take him off her hands? And if so, how had she known who to contact and how? It's not like their post adresses or phone numbers are common knowledge. Not even in the Mafia.
Skull's unrestrained cackle reminds him viciously of his headache and he glares bloody murder at the cloud.
'Lackey.', he growls threateningly but all it does is draw everybody's attention.
'Oh, you're awake. That was faster than, Miss Lovegood told us you were likely to.', Verde comments lightly but there is a glint in his eyes that Reborn can't quite read. His flames are no help on that front either. They are tightly controlled as always contrary to Colonello's. The blond rain's flames quiver in amusement and Fon's lips are stretched into a smile more genuine and amused than his trademark calm smile.
Narrowing his eyes at his companions he can't help but feel like they are laughing about him.
'Are you okay, Uncle Reborn? Luna said you'd almost died.', Yuni inquires concerned. Turning to face her for his answer Reborn freezes.
There, innocently sitting in her lap, is a green, fluffy ball of something. He only remembers his encounter in bits and pieces and flashes but it's enough to have him feel the blood drain from his face and instinctively pull his gun on the thing. The only thing keeping him from pulling the trigger as well is that at this distance a clean shot through is inevitable and he has no intention to hurt Yuni who stares at him with wide, spooked eyes.
Next to him Skull starts cackling again acompanied by Colonello's barking laughter, an amused snort from Lal and even Fon lets a small chuckle slip.
'The World's Greatest Hitman Reborn pulling his gun on a plushie. This is great.', Skull wheezes between bouts of laughter.
A plushie?
Right, the eyes are rather obviously dark blue buttons and the 'mouth' is a single stitched black line with a small tongue made of reddish pink velvet. How did he miss this? Trying to hide his embarrassment he glowers at Skull, without a word of warning turns his gun on the purple man and pulls the trigger.
Skull yelps and shrieks in true fashion as his bullet hits but the wound is healed within seconds and all it does is make the others laugh.
They are laughing at him as much as they are laughing at Skull and idly he wonders if this is his target's - Miss Lovegood's - revenge for trying to kill her. Actually, scratch that, it definitely is her revenge. After all, who else would have given Yuni a plushie styled after the thing that had almost killed him. Nevermind that the ex-Arcobaleno clearly were amused before he woke up, so are likely to know exactly what happened courtesy of Miss Lovegood.
Gritting his teeth he puts his gun away.
He should have never taken that job. It would have been far kinder on his dignity, sanity, pride and his spotless record of successful hits than the aftermath of his only failed mission.
If he ever sees her again though, Reborn decides, he'll shoot Miss Lovegood. No questions asked. Job or no job.
Author note:
This lovely little piece of crack has been inspired by two sentences I threw at Devon_Pan (you can find her and her works on AO3) yesterday afternoon and she insisted I turn these two sentences into a one-shot. So this is my little 'Thank you' to her for all the brainstorming we do, the first opinions she gives me on my WIPs and for gifting me her story 'Red Carnations and Sunflowers'
I hope you guys enjoyed this little work of mine and if it's not too much of a bother I'd love to hear from you what you thought about it.
Love,
Hatysa Black