Date: 10/8/99 3:44:06 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: MicheMach
To: MicheMach
"What Happened If...?"
Parts 6-10
Now we've fast forwarded to a time 2 weeks before Laverne's baby is supposed to come. The doctor told everyone to have some sort of system ready (why do they always say that if they know the people are gonna panic?) for when the baby comes. Of course, no one listens to this. Shirley had 5 copies of the car key made so they can jump in the car in a hurry and drive. She of course carries 4 of those 5 in her pocket at all times.At this moment, it's Friday night, June 8, 1959, and everybody is sitting around watching Winky Dink. No one's listening just staring off into space not sayin' nothin'.
Laverne: I'm gonna go get my slippers.
::she struggles to get out of the sofa, and Shirley stands at an angle pulling Laverne out. Shirley let's go and falls and Laverne gets up and walks to the bedroom. Lenny is sitting next to Shirley, Squiggy next to Lenny, and Carmine on the arm of the sofa. Suddenly, Laverne yells "Owww!!" from the bedroom.::
Shirley: Wait Laverne! Tell that kid to hold her horses!
::She jumps over the arm, but not before knocking Carmine to the floor. She scrambles into the bedroom and sees Laverne holding her foot looking at it.::
Shirley: Okay, stay calm, stay calm, I don't know what to do, I've failed as a god mother!
::she slaps Carmine in the face, and hard. He holds his cheek and rubs it and sits on Shirley's bed::
Carmine: Ya hit me Shirl!
Shirley: I feel so much better, thank you.
Carmine: Well I don't!
Laverne: Don't worry, I just got a splinter in my foot, that's all.
Squiggy: You gave us the shingles! And so did Shirley wit her jumpin' over everythin'.
Laverne: Sorry to disappoint ya, but you can go back to the living room and watch Jack Paar.
Lenny: He ain't on till 11, it's Winky Dink now.
Laverne: Then go watch Winky Dink. I just wanna be alone, okay guys?
Shirley: Oh, alright.
::everybody trudges to the living room and Laverne pulls out a parenting magzine. When she sees Shirl's in the living room she flings the magzine away and pulls out "True Confessions". Lenny walks in and sits down on Shirley's bed.::
Lenny: You mind if I stay here with you?
Laverne: You ain't gonna watch TV? Well, I guess it's okay.
Lenny: Great, so what are you gonna name the baby?
Laverne: I was thinkin' for a boy....
Shirley: ::from the living room:: Fabian!!
Laverne: I ain't namin' him Fabian, Shirl!
Shirley: Fabian's in concert tomorrow night!
Carmine: C'mon, put the baseball game back on.
Shirley: So you can throw popcorn at PeeWee Reese again?
Laverne: You're upsetting me!
Shirl&Carmine: Sorry Laverne!
::Laverne reads the magazine and she gets to a boring smut story. She then drifts off to sleep::
::a few hours later, around 10 o' clock, Laverne wakes up to a sharp pain. Must be that splinter in my foot, she thinks. She looks over to Shirley's bed and sees Lenny fell asleep too. Oh, boy, Shirl's gonna have a fit when she sees Lenny's hair grease all over her pillow, Laverne thinks. She gets up and walks to the dresser. She notices a big piece of paper taped horizontally across her forehead. She rips it off and yells then reads the note::
Laverne: 'Dear Laverne, Carmine and I went to a late movie, we'll be back soon. Love Shirl' Well how do you like that? ::that pain hits her again and she grimaces:: After all these years my pop's pizza is finally giving me indigestion. Better get a Bromo.
::she starts walking to the kitchen and the pain hits her again::
Laverne: Lenny!! HEY LENNY!
Lenny: ::yawns:: What Laverne?
Laverne: Call the doctor, c'mon, we gotta go to the hospital.
Lenny: No! I don't know what to do! You get in the truck there's a mattess there.
Laverne: ::picks up the one extra key:: I'll drive my car, I don't wanna know what's been on that mattress.
Stay tuned for the next part, and we find out about the newest little DeFazio!!
Part 7
The time now is about 3 AM, and Shirley and Carmine walk back into her apartment. They went to the late movie, then to Inspiration point, and lord knows what they did after that. So Shirley finds a note taped to the phone.
Shirley: 'Dear Shirl, me and Len went to the hospital now, wishful thinking the kid decided to come now. As soon as you and Carmine get home go to the hospital. Love Laverne'.
::Shirley grabs Carmine by the collar and drags him up the stairs. After almost strangling him, she looks and sees Laverne took their car. So she sees Carmine's car, also a convertible. In these past few scripts she's become very well over jumping over and into things. Well that skill just went away. She tries to jump over the car but her right knee SLAMS into door. So she's lying in the front seat with her right knee dangling out of the car. Carmine gets in the car by opening the door and getting in, the way normal people do and starts the car. There's no gas in it. The only thing left that they can drive is the ::shudders:: beer truck. Shirley pulls herself out of the car (after opening the door) and hops to the truck. She gets in the driver's seat and it turns out that it's they're super lucky day!! It's also out of gas. Shirley in a fit of despair drops her head on the steering wheel and slowly takes it off::
Shirley: What is this? ::she feels her forehead and it's all sticky:: Lord, I don't even wanna know.
Carmine: So how are we going to get to the hospital?
Shirley: ::in her hysterical voice:: I don't know, I've failed Laverne, I don't know what I'm going to do!
Carmine: Calm down.... okay, the hospital's 8 blocks away, right?
Shirley: This is no time for a math problem!
Carmine: Okay, I think I can run with you for 8 blocks.
Shirley: What?
:they both get out of the beer truck and Carmine tries to carry Shirl, but he can't run like that for 8 blocks!::
Shirley: Well then we have to walk.
Carmine: Walk?
Shirley: I can't run with this knee! Look, it's all swollen and ugly!
Carmine: Then.... okay, get on my shoulders.
::after a lot of screaming and smacking and pulling hair, he starts running down the street towards the hospital::
::meanwhile, at the hospital, everybody (everybody as in Lenny, Edna, Frank, and Squiggy) is tired, sleepy, and cranky, being there since almost 10:30 that night. It is now 3:30 AM, June 9th, 1959, and everybody is snoozing in their chairs. No word from Laverne yet and the seemingly responsible godparents are no where in sight.::
Lenny: What's takin' so long?
Edna: The first kid is always the longest to be born. My first child took.... ::thinks for a minute:: 48 hours.
Squiggy: We ain't gonna be here no 48 hours.
Lenny: We gotta be here so Laverne knows we care.
::suddenly a nurse comes in::
Nurse: Anyone here related to Miss DeFazio?
Frank: We all are. Is she okay?
Nurse: You can come see her now.
::they all walk down the hall. When the nurse is out of sight they run towards the room. They then quietly walk in and see Laverne with her new.... twins? ::flips through the script:: When was it twins? There were no twins! Okay, so it's twins now, can't cut a kid outta a script.::
Laverne: Hey everyone, this is Nicholas Antonio DeFazio and this is Ashley Marie DeFazio. This is... most of everybody, where's Shirl and Carmine?
Lenny: We don't know. Hey, look how little they are! You could lose these kids around the house if you're not careful.
Laverne: ::smiles:: I ain't gonna lose them. Here pop. ::she hands little Nicky over to him and gives Edna little Ashley::
Frank: Maybe he'll want the Pizza Bowl when he's older.
Laverne: I doubt anyone's gonna want the Pizza Bowl.
::Shirley and Carmine walk into the room, Shirley with a huge bandage around her knee::
Laverne: Where were ya? You almost missed your godchildren.
Shirley: Wait, what do you mean "children"?
Laverne: There's two. That's Nicky and that's Ashley.
Shirley: Ohhh, how adorable! Let me hold one of them!
::Frank hands over Nicky and Lenny in the meanwhile is holding Ashley::
Shirley: ::in that squeaky voice:: Hi Nicky, hi Nicky! I'm your aunt Shirley and your roommate for the next.... eighteen years. Hopefully we'll be married by then.
Carmine: Laverne, do they have middle names?
Laverne: Yeah, that's Nicholas Antonio and Ashley Marie. Short and easy to remember.
Carmine: Lucky kids. They don't have huge name like mine.
Laverne: What are you talkin' about? You only have "Carmine Ragusa".
Carmine: That's not my full name. Far from it.
Shirley: Then what is your full name?
Carmine: No way. Look at him sucking his thumb already.
Shirley: Don't change the subject. C'mon Carmine, what's your full name?
::a nurse comes to take the children away and Shirley is still trying to force it out of Carmine::
Lenny: Your full name can't be as bad as Squigg's, Carmine.
::everyone starts whining to Carmine, except Frank who just grabs a chunk of his hair::
Carmine: Alright, alright! Another reason I didn't want you to name Nicky Robert is because it's part of my name too.
Edna: So what is it?
Carmine: ::looks down at the floor::Carmine Roberto Emilio Santiago Marcus Alexander Ragusa. Happy now?
::no one says anything, then Squiggy says::
Squiggy: Can ya pass a tissue, Santiago?
::everyone starts cracking up and then Carmine looks at Squiggy::
Carmine: Want me to tell them your name?
Squiggy: You wouldn't dare.
Carmine: Wanna bet Andrew Gabirel Richard Michael Kenneth Squiggman?
::Laverne bursts out laughing and so does everyone else. Squiggy just looks at the floor::
Shirley: I think that's the most hilarious one yet!
Squiggy: What about yours Shirl?
Lenny: Shirl doesn't have a middle name 'cept Wilameena.
Squiggy: I saw her doctor's record and I know her full name!
Shirley: Don't even think about it!
Laverne: Oh, this one's a doozy! It's almost as much as Carmine's.
Frank: Well what is it?
Shirley: Shirley Wilameena Daniella Joanna Lillian Feeney.
::everyone starts cracking up. After it calms down Laverne looks at the 3 of them and laughs hysterically::
Laverne: Hey Len, I need ya to do me a favor.
Lenny: Sure, what?
Laverne: Go down to the five and dime and get a pack of N's and A's. And an L too. And then get my sewing kit from the apartment.
Shirley: ::rolls eyes:: Here we go again.
Part 8
Now, it's a few weeks after Laverne's twins were born. They're so cute, gurgling and spitting and drooling everywhere. Anyway, right now it's feeding time at the DeFazio-Feeney household and Lenny, Carmine, and their old friend Derek came to help out.
Shirley: ::holding Nicky:: You are so cute, yes you are, yes you are!
Laverne: Would ya tone down the squeakiness a little, Shirl? It's hurting my ears.
Derek: They are real cute Laverne.... you know, if it wasn't for the letters on their shirts I wouldn't tell them apart.
::everyone looks at him very oddly::
Derek: I mean, there's another WAY, but this is easier.
Laverne: Hey Shirl, gimme the spoon over there.
::Shirley hands over the spoon and Laverne puts it into some green stuff. Smart little baby tries to wiggle out to avoid eating that.... stuff.::
Lenny: Laverne, I think she doesn't want it.
Laverne: Of course she does. Come on, open, open.
Carmine: Don't give her that stuff Laverne, no one in their right mind would eat that.
Laverne: I would! See how good it is? See? See?
::She puts it in her mouth and she smiles then gags.She hands little Ashley to Derek and runs to the bathroom::
Shirley: I wonder why they make that horrible stuff to feed babies.
Lenny: Ya can't exactly give him a pizza the first day. So they made this stuff. It looks a little like gravy.
Derek: But Len, it's green. Gravy ain't green.
Lenny: It ain't so bad, I betcha Laverne was just overreacting.
Carmine: Then why don't you try it?
Lenny: 'Cause I don't wanna take all of little Nicky and Ashley's food. C'mon Nick, open up, open kid.
Shirley: You don't force it down his throat Lenny! Or hers either.
::Laverne walks back out and goes to the kitchen taking out a big thermos of ready prepared milk and pepsi. She opens it and gulps some down::
Laverne: We ain't feeding the kids that.
Derek: What did it taste like?
Laverne: You don't wanna know Derek, trust me. What else is there, okay, carrots look better than that stuff.
Carmine: ::Takes the bottle of green stuff and smells it:: Anything looks better than this stuff.
Squiggy: Hello.
Derek: Well, almost anything.
Squiggy: ::takes the bottle from Carmine:: Wow, you eat this stuff too? Tastes great, don't it.
Laverne: It tastes like poison.... ::her face brightens:: Why don't ya eat some?
Squiggy: I had some this mornin'. So which is which?
Derek: Shirl has Nick and I have Ashley.
::Squiggy looks at Nick, and suddenly Nick opens his eyes. He stays quiet and then screams his little lungs out. Shirley shoves Squiggy away and walks into the kitchen::
Shirley: You wanna scare him to death Squigg?
Squiggy: ::looks at Ashley:: See, this is a smart kid. She knows good lookin' when she sees it.
Derek: Don't stick your nose in her face, you'll drip grease all over her.
::suddenly Ashley makes a little little fist and whacks him in the nose::
Squiggy: Your kid hit me Laverne! She hit me!
Laverne: She's only a baby, she can't hit ya hard.
::walks over to Carmine::
Laverne: When they're old enough you're gonna teach 'em how to box, okay Carmine?
Carmine: It goes without asking.
Laverne: Okay, come on, let's put the kids to sleep, they look tired.
::Shirley hands Nick to Laverne and Derek and Laverne go into the bedroom to put them in the crib::
Laverne: Aww, look at them. Ain't they cute?
Derek: Yeah they are. Just like their mom.
Laverne: ::playfully hits his arm:: Nah, go on.
Derek: Listen, Laverne, I was wondering, if you weren't busy this weekend...
Laverne: I'm always busy from now on, I got these little ones.
Derek: You sure you can't clear out a little time to maybe go on a date with me? Just like old times? (they went out for a month or so in high school, future script)
Laverne: Friday night, seven okay?
Derek: Yeah, so I'll see ya then.
::they lean in towards each other and kiss, when Lenny walks in. He sees them and looks at the floor then walks back out.::
Lenny: I think I'm gonna go, I'll see everyone later, okay?
Shirley: Alright, bye Lenny!
Part 9
Last time we left everyone, Lenny had walked in on Laverne and Derek kissing and his little heart was broken. What to do, what to do? Okay, now it's Friday night and Laverne has on her best dress, waiting for Derek.
Shirley: Ooooh, Laverne, you look great! I love that dress!
Laverne: Really? I thought my hair looked too big.
Shirley: Okay, wait until Carmine comes so you can leave.
Laverne: Yeah, okay.
::fixes her dress then leans over the crib that Shirl moved to the living room::
Laverne: Hey Ashley, hey Nicky, listen to me. Your Aunt Shirl and Uncle Brillo head...
Shirley: Carmine doesn't have brillo hair.
Laverne: But that's the only way they can tell everyone apart. You're shorty, he's brillo hair, Lenny's greasy, Squiggy's ugly ugly man, and Derek's cutie.
::Shirley raises her eyebrow and picks up Ashley::
Shirley: He doesn't have brillo hair. Well, not that much.
::Carmine walks in::
Carmine: Hey girls!
Shirley: Hiya Brillo hair, I mean Carmine! Hi Carmine!
::Carmine runs his fingers through his hair::
Carmine: So my hair's a little curly. It's not brillo.
::there's a knock at the door and Derek stands there in a nice looking blue suit::
Laverne: Hi Derek, wow, you look so..... handsome.
Derek: And you look beautiful as always.
Shirley: Don't do anything I wouldn't do Laverne!
Laverne: Now I take that to the heart.
::they walk out the door talking and laughing::
::about a half an hour later Lenny walks in looking depressed::
Shirley: Hi Lenny, what's wrong?
Lenny: Laverne left already, huh?
Carmine: Yeah, a while ago. No date tonight, huh?
Lenny: Nah, mind if I watch Heckle and Jeckle here?
Shirley: Go ahead. I have to get the bottles ready.
::Shirley walks to the kitchen and Carmine leans over to Lenny::
Carmine: Len, you never looked this depressed when Laverne goes out on a date.
Lenny: Well, I kinda wanted to ask her out for tonight.
Carmine: Then ask her out tomorrow night.
Lenny: I don't know, I mean, what if they get serious? Like in high school?
Carmine: Good point. Then you gotta get her before he does.
Shirley: Get what?
Carmine: Uhh.... get that new pick for his guitar. Yeah, his finger's all sprained from that ratty old pick, so he needs a new one.
Shirley: Oh, okay. Okay Carmine, here's Nicky's bottle. Yes, that's a good boy, now hold him Carmine, don't drop him!
Carmine: Shirl, you're forgetting that I'm the second to oldest with 3 younger brother's and sisters. I know how to take care of kids!
Shirley: I'm just making sure.
::Shirley sticks the bottle in little Ashley's mouth and Ashley tries to wriggle away. Carmine sees her and takes the bottle from her::
Carmine: ::Tests it on his wrist:: Shirl, you were burning her mouth! This is too hot for her!
Shirley: I thought she might like some warm milk before sleeping.
Carmine: Warm is one thing, trying to char her like a steak is another.
Shirley: Well I'm sorry I made a mistake!
Carmine: Okay, look, forget about it, I'll just put these in the refrigerator for a little while, alright?
Shirley: Okay, okay.
::about 3 hours later, Shirley and Carmine are sleeping on the couch with their arms around each other. Lenny some how ended up sleeping on the table behind the couch. They had rolled the crib into the bedroom where both of the babies were sleeping. Laverne and Derek walk in and see everyone sleeping. They have a long goodnight kiss and he walks out.::
Laverne: Hey everyone! You wouldn't believe my date, Derek is a sweetheart. And we got another date for tomorrow night.
::she sees that everyone's sleeping. She shrugs her shoulders and walks into the bedroom. Everyone continues sleeping::
Part 10
So now it's the next Friday night after Derek and Laverne went out. Shirley and Carmine took a night off from baby sitting and went to dinner and a movie. Lenny's now at the house helping Laverne with the kids.
Laverne: Okay Nicky, c'mon, eat the bananas. C'mon, you lvoe them, eat them.
Lenny: That's Ashley, I have Nicky.
Laverne: Oh, okay, trade bottles.
::They exchange the little baby food bottles::
Lenny: So, are you going out with Derek again?
Laverne: Nah, I don't think so.
Lenny: ::perks up:: What? Why?
Laverne: Well he's real good lookin' and a real sweetheart, but he's my friend, you know? It's like datin' your brother. Like you. I wouldn't date you 'cause your my best friend and like the brother I never had.
Lenny: ::really hurt and trying to cover it up:: Well, yeah, I know what you mean, you're like my sister.
Laverne: Yeah, it's too weird.
::Lenny, his little heart just trampled on, goes back to feeding the baby, not being able to look at Laverne.::
::later that night, when Laverne went to sleep and Shirley & Carmine came back in from their date and see Lenny sleeping on the couch. He wakes up and sees them standing there::
Shirley: Hi Lenny, were the kids any trouble? Was Laverne any trouble?
Lenny: Aww, no, they were all real good, didn't scream or nothin'.
Shirley: That's great. Well I'll see you guys tomorrow, good night! ::She kisses Carmine and goes into the bedroom::
Lenny: Hey Carmine. Remember what you told me last week? To get Laverne before Derek did?
Carmine: Yeah? So, did you?
Lenny: It didn't work. She thinks I'm like a brother.
Carmine: Oh....
::Laverne stands in the doorway between the bedroom and living room listening::
Carmine: So what are you gonna do now?
Lenny: I can't do anything. I'm gonna go, I'll see ya tomorrow or whenever.
Laverne: Len, can I talk to ya for a minute?
::Carmine walks out the door, closing it behind him. Lenny walks down the steps and stands infront of Laverne::
Lenny: What?
Laverne: Why didn't you tell me that you liked me?
Lenny: I wanted to, I really did, but then you said all the stuff like I was your brother and everything and well, I couldn't.
Laverne: Well Len, I can't change the fact that I really love you, just not like I wanna go out with you. ::Starts walking around the room::
Lenny: Yeah, I get it now.
Laverne: And another reason I didn't wanna go out with Derek again is that I wanna make sure that I can raise these kids on my own, you know?
Lenny: I get it now.
Laverne: So you don't hate me?
Lenny: Nah, how can I hate you?
::they hug and we zoom out because this script is finished::