Chapter Two:
Thursday May 18th, 2000
Mama Sandy didn't talk when we got into the car, she was too busy belting out the lyrics to Maria Maria by Santana. Amelia seemed embarrassed, but I would have died for a mother who embarrassed her kids with song. Mine tried to start fights with people who pissed her off and yelled at the neighbours to mind their "fucking business."
I said hello.
Mama Sandy ignored me, turning the radio up a little. We took the hint and remained silent while she took off towards the school. I could tell Mama Sandy hadn't had a cup of coffee yet. Instead of turning right to head towards Mission High she turned left.
"Do you girls want something to eat?" Mama Sandy asked.
I was starving. I didn't say anything, instead I shrugged. Amelia elbowed me and told her mom we were both starving.
I knew this was for me. They always did this. But I nodded, pretending for a moment that this was my mom and my sister, this was our normal day. That I wasn't a burden. That this was just something teenagers did with their parents before school.
Mama Sandy stopped at the Starbucks on 67th Avenue and Beardsley. She gave us her order and some cash, telling us to get whatever we wanted. We rushed inside, hoping there wouldn't be a huge line.
Amelia ordered the biggest size drinks they had and got us pastries to go. I accepted the warm drink with a smile, thanked the barista, and went back out to the car. Amelia told me not to worry about it, that Mama Sandy enjoyed spoiling people.
I didn't know how to tell Amelia I was rotten, not spoiled. I was already ruined. Why wouldn't my own mother get me coffee? Why wouldn't Renee do stuff like this? Something had to be wrong with me.
We sat in the parking lot and enjoyed our treat. Mama Sandy told me she was so excited to see us walk tomorrow. She said she would take us out to dinner if I wanted to come. I agreed, mindlessly, because what the fuck would Renee do with me? Make me hold her hair back while she threw up in the toilet?
"I am proud of you, Belly Button," Mama Sandy said. "You're one of my kids. Don't forget that."
I blinked back tears. "I…"
"Don't thank me," Mama Sandy said. "This is what I do for the people I love."
Amelia steadied my drink as my shoulders began to shake. "I… I—love—you—too."
It felt amazing to hear someone say they loved me and meant it. But it wasn't the one person I wanted to say it. It was the wrong face, the wrong voice, the wrong family. That made me cry worse, because it felt ungrateful. It felt horrible to wish my own mother would say the same things to me.
"Oh, darling, it's okay," Mama Sandy said. "I know how it feels."
It took me 15 minutes to calm down enough for us to drive to the school. We were still about thirty minutes early for school. But Mama Sandy said we needed to talk to the office lady anyways, to make sure we had our robes and yearbooks.
"Renee didn't buy one," I said.
"You got a yearbook," Mama Sandy said. "I made sure of it. Don't you dare leave it like you did last year. I had to go back and pick it up when Amelia told me you left it."
I tried to keep from crying again, but a few tears slipped out. "I won't… leave it."
Amelia told me to just accept the gift and be happy. I could get Kyle to sign it, since he had been hinting about going out for a few weeks now. The idea of Kyle Richardson picking me up from my hell house and taking me out to dinner made my spine freeze.
"Maybe." I grasped for an excuse. "I am going to visit dad for most of the summer, so… He might as well date someone else. His relationships don't last."
"Sometimes, Bella, you are way too mature for your age."
"I know."