Chap 2. Elizabeth is thinking about her family
My parents would have loved Henry. That's something I am fairly certain of. It's challenging when I ascribe traits to them now. I miss them keenly, and I wonder if at any point, they ever looked at me and thought about my future. My father was the man I wanted to impress the most. He was tall, handsome and very principled. His last moments with me, he knew I was studying geometry and he called me Euclid. Does he know I majored in Math? That I have a PhD? That I am fourth in line for the Presidency? I hope he would be proud of me. I remember my mother would brush my hair, and she would always leave it down. She rarely braided it, or did much to it. She would tell me that classic, shiny clean hair was beautiful. It's funny, but I always hear that whenever I make a ponytail. At Langley I always had to wear it out of my face. I don't know if she would have worried about me. I would be worried about my kids if I found out they were training to be an "analyst". I suppose though, that I would have to let them live their own lives. That's already happening and I feel like I neglect my children while I serve America. I neglect my husband and my marriage too. I hear that my approval ratings are good. I wish they would speak to my family before they publish those. Women in America and possibly around the world look at me and think I have a handle on it. I don't. I miss so much. So why I decided to go off on Henry about canceling the trip to the spy museum with Jason- I'll never know. I have disappointed all my kids about a million times over the last few years. I accepted this position. I am the one who moved us to DC. I am the reason Stevie quit college. I scare Alison with my pronouncements, and I am hard on my son. Jason wants to be accepted for who he is as he grows and I give him so little grace. Let's also be mindful of how I nearly made them orphans with my skirmish in Iran. And let's be honest, I put myself in dangerous situations often because I go with my plans and I don't always stop to think about what the outcome could be. It's not just about me. I lambaste Will for doing this, and I am such a hypocrite sometimes I can't stand myself. My father would've taken me by my ear to the woodshed for some of my choices and honestly, when I look at myself, some days I feel shame. Not every day, but some. I joke about women are so good at multi-tasking but I am going to be honest. My house is still standing and my children are functioning because of their father. I have to make sure Henry knows how much I appreciate this. How proud I am to call him my husband.
So after I turned Paris into Peoria, my amazing husband blindsides me with the most beautiful gift. I am going to smudge my ink now with my tears; but I have to write about it. Henry knows how much I admired my fathers watch. He had a copy made and last night he gave it to me, just because he wanted me to have it. Henry loves me so much it takes my breath away. He is gracious and thoughtful and so very kind. He's the most beautiful man and how I got so lucky is something I will always be grateful for. He's always going to make time for me and the kids. I am going to add something to his beautiful gift. I promise to make time for my husband and the kids. I need to listen to them more, be present more. Stevie and I can be friends now and I admire her for so many reasons. She is beautiful, outgoing and willing to risk her heart every day. Alison is so much smarter than I give her credit for. She has a perspective that I don't, and how I did not know how she sketched makes me sad. She's trying so hard to grow up and deal with life as only she can- and I have to get better at hearing her voice. My Jason knows how to push every button I have. He really wants his father's time and approval, and I forget that he silently is also asking for mine. I am doing to him what my dad did to me. I was raised to be as brazen as a boy and as wise as an owl. Dad wanted an Elijah, not an Elizabeth. I know that. I also know that he grew to learn to love his daughter as a daughter. Mom explained it to me once. He had a strict father, a few brothers, and he knew very little about dolls, skirts or tears. It was hard to be an Adams sometimes, but I did my best and I learned how to play golf, fish, shoot, camp and scramble. I studied so hard in school it gave me headaches. I can build a fire, get dirty, smoke a cigar and down scotch like I have a liver made of steel. My parents were strict, but they wanted the best for Will and me. The discipline was old fashioned and I admit that I did feel left out when Will needed almost all of their attention. Jason doesn't need that. Henry and I both agreed to forego spankings for our children. We talk to our kids. Jason needs me to let him find out what kind of man he wants to be. That time I pardoned Erica James impressed him. He wants to rail against an unjust system to make it better and to be honest, I am a part of that system now. I need to lace up my sneakers and shoot hoops more often. Or take him fishing. He used to enjoy that with me. He doesn't always hear love from me, just criticism and admonishments. When he punched that kid- Preston; that was the perfect time to tell him that I am the reason he has a good right hook. Apparently I was a scrappy little kid. I didn't fight much, but there were a few times I took on a bully. My parents punished me, and I stewed about it. I remember once telling my mom that I had to stand up for Christy because Butch and Buddy were intimidating her. Mom said that I should have told the teacher and that she was tired of trying to get blood out of my shirts. I remember feeling so unheard and yet - I do this to my son. That changes tomorrow. My boy is going to be surprised to learn this about me. I look forward to his reaction actually. Jason and I need to laugh together. I took out Datu Andrada and Jason defended my honour. We both have a temper.
Now back to my amazing husband. He is so smart. He is beyond intelligent and thoughtful. He's overcome a tough childhood and the courage it took for him to be a sensitive man in Patrick McCord's house only begins to speak of Henry's courage. He took a chance the ROTC and lord knows I was certainly not the easiest girlfriend he could have dated. He was with a woman named Rochana and she was so much more his type. Religion, theology, Socratic arguments about everything. She's beautiful and exotic and passionate and somehow Henry McCord decided that a lonely, young Math major who challenged him in his own classroom, well, he tells me that my impertinent questions about God impressed him. He says that I was the yin to his yang and that his stomach flipped during our argument in a way it never had before. I felt the same way because when class was over I felt like an idiot for challenging the young but incredibly handsome professor. I spent that weekend trying to figure out how to apologize for running off at the mouth. I went to his office hours on Monday morning and he let me grovel. Then he smiled at me and said that I had made him research his position all weekend and that he now appreciated my perspective. He also changed my name. Almost everyone called me Lizzie. Henry McCord said that my real name was powerful, beautiful and more fitting of my personality. "You might well be a Lizzie to your friends and family, but I see an Elizabeth in front of me. I recall blushing at that. I also remember falling in love despite my best intentions. That ethical professor told me we could have coffee in May, after I was finished with the class. He had the other TA grade my papers and exams and it was only after we had begun a relationship that he told me that he found teaching me to be the most intense semester of his life. He swears he had broken up with Rochana for reasons other than his attraction to me and I want to believe that. I am self conscious sometimes, but then I remember that Rochana is married with children and that we only hear from her at Christmas, or when she or Henry run into one another at religious conferences.
I know Henry worries about me. I know that he values me and my crazy ideas. He forgives me when I least deserve it and he gives me joy every day of my life. I certainly know that my world without Henry is inconceivable. I have faced that worry many times. He has been to war, he's been mugged, he's been shot and I know I nearly lost my mind when he was exposed to radiation. He's put his life on the line more since I became Secretary of State and I couldn't be more proud of him. Losing him would destroy me, and he's told me that he feels the same about me. So I pledge to be more present with Henry and the kids. Because we still have so much life to live together. All right journal, enough of my self analysis for today. I just heard Stevie yell that Henry and the Chinese takeout have arrived and tonight we are playing board games. Today Jay noticed my watch and asked me why Henry didn't just get me one of those smartwatches. Jay is a young man, and he was taken aback when I said that this watch is the smartest watch for me.
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