Fandom: Peacemaker Kurogane
Title: You especially.
Pairing: Hijikata + Souji, Souji + Yamazaki
Rating: PG
Description: Hijikata-san ruminates over his relationship with Souji.
Disclaimer: Peacemaker Kurogane belongs to Chrono Nanae-sensei and I love Shinsengumi so here we are!
/Scratching the back of my head, I watched in envy as his smile shimmered for someone else.
"I know it's you, Susumu," Souji called intimately without turning his head.
Laughing to himself, our resident ninja took a seat (a bit too close for my preference though) next to the first captain. But then he folded his hands as his legs crossed under the boards as they both overlooked the veranda.
"I can never fool you, can I?" Yamazaki leaned back and pressed his gloved hands to the boards.
"You give off a different vibe," Souji answered and looked up to the sky with the missing moon and winced in disappointment.
If I didn't know him, I'd have missed that sign too.
Stupefied, the younger man sat up. "I never thought you noticed me since we don't usually talk."
Souji tilted his head, pressing his cheek to his hand and stared at the latter's surprised expression. "Why would you say that? We talk all the time even if there are no words."
I gulped at their intense, yet penetrating exchange.
But his seriousness instantly cooled into playful grins as he poked Yamazaki's cheek. "Ah, how many times do you have to fall for that?"
The ninja's eyes softened as they pointed to the dirt floor. "Do I need to be on my guard with you too?"
Their usual unreadable visages become a smidge translatable and it made my heart stop for just a few seconds, enough to make my mind blank.
Souji surveyed the familiar yard from left to right, his chin making a half circle before slowly reaching out to Yamazaki. He pulled him close to rest his head on his shoulder. Yamazaki was more than shocked, but kept his lips shut.
"If Toshi has Tetsu-kun, then I have you."
Souji turned his profile to view the young man's face, which at that moment, was looking up to his.
"And like you, I probably won't leave any trace of myself."
That's true. Even if they talked about us for years to come, how long would it take for their words to become tainted?
But the ninja shook his head. "You keep my sister's memory inside you. So I shall do the same for you until I die."
Souji's hand went down to his elbow, fingers brushing against Yamazaki's waist. "What does it mean to live? To be alive? I've thought about this since I was little.
I live in my sword. But to be alive isn't in fighting. It is being present. Hijikata-san taught me that."
His hand gripped onto the elbow shakily.
"I worry about him that when I go, who will protect him? My sister will be all right when I pass, but Toshi…"
He slipped to saying my first name.
"Whatever happens, whatever side you're on, I know you'll always be with him."
Moved, Souji's eyes reddened.
Hating to see this, Yamazaki quickly sat up and gregariously brought out an uchitake from thin air. Souji laughed at the small magic trick, but Yamazaki blinked at this reaction for a split-second, holding out the item in a cloth.
"You doubt it, but this is what you mean to him." He held Souji's hand, cupping them tightly in between his. "You are the fire starter. And no one else can do it."
He brought their hands to his forehead and closed his eyes. "We can't do anything about it, but live on. What must be, must be.
Even if it's difficult to conceive.
Even if we never accept it."
Without meaning to, the thin layers of his shield fell off and Souji's squinted at the ground painfully. He kept himself caged for many reasons, but the young man before him never let him fully close the door. He grabbed the darkened sleeve and pinched it while looking away.
But Yamazaki squeezed his hand while turning straight to face me.
Of course you knew I was there all along.
Nodding silently to me, he then turned to Souji. "I'm sorry, I must go n-"
Though silently sobbing, Souji kissed his cheek and whispered something I couldn't quite hear. Yamazaki's eyes widened and then became subdued while their gaze humbly grazed the grass.
Wordlessly, he leapt into nonexistence.
Souji coughed and opened his palm to look into it. Each time he did this, his face contorted into defeated agony though his fist shook beside him.
In my eyes, he's still the boy who looked at me full of hope while watching the fireflies.
Kamisama…
Why can't you let me love him a bit longer now that I recognize I do?/
You especially.
by Miyamoto Yui
It started out as a faint murmur.
A mischievous grin beamed like an endless warm sunshine that never missed its irresistible embrace over you. Or the giggles echoing long after the recollection began to disappear, but its joy ever etched inside the lining of a broken heart.
It was called determination. That transformed into devotion. And then ultimately, it became a way of life.
I watched nonchalantly from time to time, striding up to poke the top of his head until I noticed he'd come up under my chin. Soon, I knew he'd grow past my stature, but that scowl of pouting resentment always tickled me to tease him even more.
This is what my relationship with Souji was like.
Ever watching as leaves flew through the yard, calligraphy-brushed in solid colors year-round, I stared like there was a drought though there wasn't one at all. If only I'd understood what our bond was.
Could I have saved myself from drowning in all his hues? Would I have really done so?
Honestly, who was I blaming anyway?
Until Kondo-san introduced Souji to me, I never worried about life. I'd never really cared about myself either.
I wandered with a swagger, pretending nothing hurt me deep enough to make an impression. Was I as smart as I was supposed to be? Would I ever be talented as my family wanted?
When would I ever be satisfied with myself?
But by the time my irritation rattled my whole body, my eyes wandered to that figure practicing. At the corner of the Shieikan, through sun, snow, rain, typhoon, and wind, you were there doing drills.
Why did you keep going? Was it because there was nothing else for you to do? Did we really have that much energy when we were little?
When would it be enough?
As tall as you were, you were only nine then.
But you kept to yourself and only talked to Kondo-san. I wondered why you never smiled for me.
So I forced you to go on an outing…
/Small glowing orbs flew askew.
"I want to hold one of those in my hands."
When Souji caught it, the light beamed faintly in between the open spaces until he opened his hands. The single firefly flitted away like a dot floating aimlessly in the air. Turning to me, he gave me the widest smile and I was taken aback.
I'd never felt this way before.
Melting and trying not to drown, I suddenly understood that lonesome sweetness. The kind you roll in your tongue until the taste fades away. Unless manufactured, the same flavor won't ever be quite as perfect afterwards.
My heart hardened into slate at the thought.
I couldn't. He was just a boy. He trusted me.
Of all the people, he couldn't ever confess just how much people bothered him because of that innate cuteness. It twisted and curled inside your chest that you'd go crazy to own it even if it was impossible.
Souji is such a being.
"Magic does exist," he commented in a forlorn way.
I'd nearly erased his childhood. Would I steal his adulthood too? But…
"Yes. Always." I replied, clutching my hands over one another.
"Why can't I keep one?"
"Those creatures need to be free. They need to be seen."
What I said hit a jarring note inside me as I slowly regarded his profile.
"You never know if they want to be captured, Hijikata-san."
"Now why would they want that?"
"At least they wouldn't be alone." He looked at his empty hands.
There were times I wondered what went on in his head. He thought so differently from the others. His facial expressions never matched his words.
His smile sparkled innocently with delight or sadness.
I wanted to believe only I knew these parts of him.
Curse me all you want and punish me later…
I took his hand.
"Hijikata-san?"
"For a long time, you haven't been alone, Souji."
Among the patches of beauty vibrating around us, little blinks of light encircled his figure. He wailed loudly as I hugged him closer.
He who never let anyone see the workings of his heart, let me inside./
+/+/+/+/+/
/Long after Yamazaki-san departed, that night, Souji tugged on my kimono because my back was facing him. I was finishing another entry into my 'journal' and he crunched up a whole ball's worth of fabric to get my attention. Laughing lightly, I ignored the juvenile gesture.
"Yes?" I finally said when his hand rested on my knee.
"You're always writing in the middle of the night."
"That's when the best inspiration comes."
"Not me?" He winked, lying on his back and a bit of his chest peeked through the middle of his navy kimono.
"Always you." I looked at him with a solemn face, one that he immediately sat up for.
"Toshi…?"
"After I leave tomorrow, read this."
But that boy never did what I told him to. As soon as he opened it, he immediately recognized the date. It was when we first met.
"My Souji files," I casually joked.
He ran his fingers through my short hair while reading along.
"You made fun of my poems, but I only began to appreciate them when you forced me to."
Putting the journal down, he got up to sit in my lap and hugged me. Souji pressed his head to my chest, closing his eyes.
"I'm fragmented. I play with children. I harshly train my students. I fight for a dying cause. But with you, I'm just me." He holds me with all his strength even as he's coughing.
"Here inside you. *coughs* This is where the real me exists, Toshi."
I clung onto him even as he's coughing red onto both our clothing./
I don't think I ever realized that's when time started for me, when I became conscious of its existence. Before, it was a calendar with a day and time. Then when you came, 'the present' was in my face and its pressure never relented.
But I could never admit that 'the future' stopped once I'd learned you'd died without me. Trying to keep you alive, I carry your towel with me. Even as I walk, bleeding away after giving Tetsunosuke the last of my belongings, I still couldn't part with this stained cloth.
Ridiculous as it may be, I'm still jealous of someone taking any possession of you after death.
I want you to belong only to me. I want to pretend you are only mine even when I feigned being otherwise.
Many came and many went, but you are the only you.
To me, you are my only one.
Shinsengumi may be our family, but I adore you more than any seven lives could ever offer me.
There are days I wonder why I took you to hear the quiet melodies of the fireflies. I would have saved myself. You would have been spared from me and all my little tortures.
I lament if I did the right thing by making you pursue your sword when you barely could write properly. Ironically though, you became a better calligrapher than me.
But even now, as I lay on the ground, my fists are still trying to push against the ground to get up even though my body is no longer listening. I refuse to shut my eyes.
"I'll wait for you to get me to go to Kondo-san's like you always do."
As my mind declines into murkiness, I regret nothing. You especially.
They're all wrong. Because you exist, I never tip off the edge to becoming a true oni. A glance of you appeases me and I retain my humanity.
You were never my sword though you are my first captain.
Souji, you're my armor.
With you, I'll always think I'm invincible.
Yes, even now.
Owari.
-
Author's note: I absolutely have no idea how this came about. For once in a long time, I just sat in front of my computer with a single image in my head: Fireflies. Then a song started to play in my mind and I listened to it.
Writing whatever I felt like, it suddenly turned into Hijikata-san's voice. And somehow, it felt familiar and not at the same time.
Then, as the fic progressed, against all procedures I've done ever since I knew how to write stories, fell to the wayside with this one.
It's been almost 23 years since I've been introduced to the Shinsengumi and I still have so much to learn…
…and strangely, by the end, my eyes start to water up and I didn't even realize it.
Why did you want to make me cry, Hijikata-san?
I dedicate this to you, Kuiama-san.
(References - Shieikan is Kondo-san's school. And seven lives refers to coming back 7 times to serve your master or something to that extent.)
Thank you for reading!
Love always,
Yui
9/5/2022 11:27:42 PM – Los Angeles
9/6/2022 3:27:42 PM – Tokyo