Hi. This is my take on Accountability from last Sunday night. I added in some backstory that worked for me and I hope you like it. Of course none of these characters are mine. I just love writing about them.
Elizabeth's Journal
I love writing in the Oval Office. I love this desk. I love that I am the President, and that I made history. It was a lot of very hard work, and I had an incredibly supportive team. I am a very fortunate person and I am humbled that America took a chance on me, on my message. I cry when I think about it. It's an honour to serve in this office. To live in this building. To see the love and pride on the faces of my children and Henry- well, to know that not only does he still love and cherish me after over three decades; but that he supports me and that he is still willing to put up with my crap. I was a little thrown recently, he was letting me get away with distancing myself and diving into my own head. I reminded him that he is my touchstone- even more when I am bull-headed; and that when he calls me out on the spot- I know I need to hear the lecture, the love. I accuse my kids of not thinking things through and I know exactly where they inherited that from. Which as a mother, I will admit when I am dead. Bull-headed yes. Completely brain dead - no. However Henry knows me better than I know myself and I count on him to be my rudder. He has helped me grow more than I ever thought possible. I love him with every fibre of my soul. He and the kids are the reason I am a functional person and when he says I have gone too far, or he expresses anger or disappointment in my choices - that's my incentive to make better choices.
So it's incredibly despairing to watch what Hanson is trying to do to me. Yes I care about my reputation. I do not want to be humiliated and impeached. That's human of me. But this man has gone too far. He's attacked my family, my team, my policies. Come after me you son of a bitch. My daughter Is just beginning to trust in love and romance again- and he publicly eviscerated her. She may be 28 but she's my baby. Our talk the other night warmed my soul. She is afraid to fall completely in love because it's never worked out before. When I talk to Stevie now it's woman to woman and I am so proud of her. When I first became Secretary of State, Stevie struggled. Now she's absolutely blossomed. Hanson may have damaged that. Furthermore,Henry is the most ethical man on the planet and it was he who told me to part ways with Daisy. She was my friend. I hope she still is my friend. She didn't do anything wrong. She loved me and wanted a day to think about that stupid flash drive. She would have brought it to me if she had more than a few hours to think about it. Blake who wouldn't harm a fly, has been violated. He's been close to me since I accepted the foray into Secretary of State and I know I am a huge pain in the ass. Mike B is nothing short of a miracle worker because I am the lady who had a vision but no shape for it- and Mike came along and kicked my ass and forced me to think about how to present myself to DC and the world. I owe him a debt of gratitude. I may be the woman in front but rest assured I have men and women who make it possible for me to be a leader. I've grown up these last 8 years. If we are lucky, we are always growing and learning.
So when Hanson comes at my large family directly despite the fact that I went to him and admitted my imperfections, let's just say I feel like I have been sucker punched. I was once an obnoxious teenager and Cindy Martinez cold cocked me right in the nose. I had 2 black eyes and I deserved it. My parents had just died and I wasn't handling it well. I was pretty well behaved but there were times that I needed and craved boundaries, and rarely did anyone realize that. I had been flirting with her boyfriend- I was trying to break them up because I was convinced that Lawrence could love me. I was 16 and stupid. He was a gentleman. I was a jerk. Well all these years later and Cindy is my head chef here at the White House and I swear to God some of the meals are pure payback for Lizzie the insufferable. So I eat them. She dumped Lawrence in senior year and is happily married to Carlos; with whom she has 3 mischievous little boys. Life is funny sometimes. Henry has seen a picture of me from that time, and he knows the story and he agrees that I got what was coming to me. Thankfully I am teachable, and knowing how badly I hurt Cindy, made me take the blame for the punch. The school disciplined us both but Houghton Hall has it on record that Elizabeth Adams was asking for it. With Hanson it's different. This is personal and it's hatred and we are not 16. I have to get to the bottom of this mess because if I am impeached it's not just me who suffers the black eye this time. It's everyone who stood up for Elizabeth McCord and I will not be the one who hobbles every good person who stands up for me. Not Henry, Not Stevie, Neither Mike, nor Russell nor Morejon. My son is going to have to learn the hard way. I worry about Jason. His mouth is going to get him shot. Henry is right - we can't save him anymore. I reserve the right to be concerned. My other worry is Daisy. Someday I will make it up to her. I have no idea how, except to honour her with my work and to always be there for her when she calls. This all has to do with my involvement in the Iran peace talks. I became Secretary of State because of Marsh's murder. I had my eye on Javani way back at CIA. I am guilty of torturing men to stop attacks. I know I have a lot to answer for on judgment day. If Hanson wants to come at me personally I can take it. I can weather embarrassment, disappointment and punishment. I will live with the consequences of my actions. What he is doing is coming at me through the people I love and respect. That's dirty, it's low and it's got to stop. Maybe I have to throw myself on my sword. If I could do that without the effect being felt by all the people I named - I could make peace with that. Horses won't ever tell me I am a disgrace. Sadly I worry about Will. I do wonder what my parents think of me. If they are souls out there- would they be proud of me? I certainly would hope so. I know some of my choices are disappointing. Conrad said he trusts my judgement more than he trusts his own. In a way, I have allowed him to stand in as a mentor, a little bit of a father figure to me. Perhaps that was short sighted and silly of me. I was so young and so pulled in by the fact that the CIA wanted me. Conrad and Henry have been in my life for about the same length of time. So the idea that all of these people might be ashamed of me is something I will have to endure. I have shamed myself sometimes. But I have done some good work. I do truly wish to serve my country. I do selfishly want certain people to approve of who I am and what I fight for.
Well, I best go upstairs and see what's for dinner tonight. If it's crow or ancient marinated grains with fermented tofu; I'll have a good laugh and then tuck in. Enough self flagellation for one day. Too many people count on me to be their leader. So I will lead. I won't cry about it. I may make mistakes but I'll own those. I will honour this White House and all who serve with me and because of me. If anyone in this administration is going to have a black eye it's between me and Hanson. No one else. I will get to the bottom of this mess and it may well be the last thing I do. I won't worry Henry either. He is making history as the first FGOTUS and he is accomplishing quite a bit. I am very proud of him, and tonight he can be my focus. I don't always do that. I think I'll draw him a bath and I'll massage his shoulders. He deserves it. I am more thankful for Henry McCord than I can ever say. If I am anything at all it's because he encourages me. He was always my North Star. He's who I want to be with at the end. I can survive anything knowing that man is beside me. I only dream that he can say the same about me.
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