Based on The Middle Way. S2.12

-Nadine

My son and I are speaking again. After years of estrangement we have begun to pave a new way. This Myanmar trip may have been dangerous but I am so grateful. It was a bonus to be able to develop a bit of a friendship with Elizabeth. I am ashamed that I ever hated her. I think it was because she wasn't Vincent. I think that even though I am an educated, strong woman I still wasn't as open-minded to being lead by such an independent and strong woman. I look back on the last eighteen months and cannot believe how graceful she was with us. She kept us when she had every right to hire all new staff. She didn't fire any of us when we allowed her to be absolutely humiliated with respect to the micro loans program. She is always polite and caring, except for right after she returned from Iran- which we now know was PTSD; and which she did apologize for. It took a lot of courage for her to admit her weakness and be that vulnerable- but she did. And with the micro loans fiasco she worked with us to resolve that crisis and restore the program. She and I have had some very deep conversations in the time she's been here; and I suspect she wants to be friends- as much as we can be while I work for her. Elizabeth McCord could have had me arrested for my actions with Vincent with respect to that banking business in Venezaula. She did not. She also never deliberately shamed me or told my secrets. She recognized that my heart was broken and she respected me enough to understand that I am a very good chief of staff, even if my love life can be a mess.

So I am thrilled to have a friend in my boss; who more than deserves to be my boss. In fact I would like to give both Russell Jackson and Conrad Dalton a piece of my mind. They talk to her like she is a naughty school girl and lay blame at her feet every chance they get. Yet she never backs down and she always puts her head down and gets the work done. She dealt with Arlen sanely and humanely and she alone made the decision to speak to China and salvage the Trans Pacific Partnership deal. It was a bold risk and she knew if it failed she could be humiliated again, and fired. However she sucked it up and took on the challenge with more courage than I have ever seen in DC in all my years there. I have seen and heard many people try to justify cowardice, and try to pass it off as courage. It's a town for big egos and smarmy politicians. This enigma that is Elizabeth genuinely wants to do the best she can. She'll literally take a disaster and creatively reframe it to improve the lives of everyone affected. I think someday she could be a very good President. I am thankful to serve her. I am becoming a better Nadine than I was was. I did something brave and vulnerable and it paid off. I know the rest of the staff is raising their standard of behaviour just because of her influence.

Thank you Madam Secretary. I am honoured to serve you. Thank you for allowing me to accompany you to Myanmar to repair my relationship with Roman.

...

Henry

I am glad we made peace with the neighbours. How Elizabeth does this all day mystifies me. I am no diplomat. I fumble towards enlightenment every day and need God to help light my path. She isn't very open to God, or to religion; yet she respects the fact that many people in the world do believe and put their faith in a higher power. Whether it's faith, discipline, guidance or something more- my wife respects it.

I am sitting here watching her sleep. She's just back from a whirlwind in Myanmar where she modestly rebuilt the Trans Pacific Trade partnership. No thanks to the havoc wreaked by that crazy ambassador. Only you, journal know how much I worry when she has to jet off in that rust bucket she proudly calls her plane. I haven't got the heart to tell her that her plane should have been replaced by something as amazing as Air Force One. It breaks down, it strands her, but I shouldn't bitch. It brings her home to us in one piece, and for that I am thankful. This time, she was inches from being shot by a Buddhist terrorist. I know Elizabeth and if she could have gotten in the room to stop Arlen from holding the President hostage - she would have. She has been on the edge of more danger in her life than I ever would have wanted for her. Her escapades are all neatly organized in my journals over the last 30 years. How would the kids phrase it? "Marry an operative they said. It'll be fun they said." I told her that the last time she came home from a work trip and she rewarded me with an apologetic grin. "Henry it's my sworn duty to protect the constitution and to be the top diplomat in the room. I told you why Conrad picked me. I honour that even if it's Conrad himself screaming in my ear to do better." I do know it. I signed off on it when I told her I would be her support. Still, how I am to foresee all the trouble she finds in this job? I asked her what dangers Clinton, Powell, Albright and Rice had to face. I asked her why I never saw those people on television with soot on their faces; or if they came home smelling of gun oil and sweat, with hidden bruises and bumps. She smiled softly and joked "well I do things differently. I get really involved, and I talk to people when they are at their most afraid, most vulnerable. If I worried about my personal safety all the time, no one would actually talk to me. And besides this time I wasn't in the same room with it, DS from every corner of the globe prevented me from entering the room. I could only speak to Arlen by phone". Oh that wife of mine. I know I have scared the crap out of her many times and I guess I need to have faith that she does know how to deal with despots, crazy people and all out danger. It's me who just wants to protect her from harm - but then she wouldn't be the girl I met so long ago. The blonde headed Math genius with the aqua eyes, the long lithe body and impeccable debate skills. She has a very strong moral code. Elizabeth embodies Plato's virtue ethics and she didn't even know what they were. She's courageous, wise, just and even- tempered. Unless she's playing scrabble, or trying to suss out Christmas presents. She's loving, sexy, insecure, strong, healthy- kind, sarcastic and funny. She can't sing or cook, she blushes easily and when she cries it breaks my heart. She can be clumsy. She snores when she's tired, she bites her fingers when she's thinking; and she is the most intelligent and interesting person I have ever met. She's a great mom and a loyal partner. Oh and she's gorgeous. The kind of gorgeous that looks incredible in an evening gown with makeup, but she is adorable and real when her hair is messy, her grin infectious, in a plaid shirt, holey jeans and chucks. When she's relaxed and happy she lights up my universe. She's as geeky and dorky as I am and she loves me more than I thought was humanly possible. She's my champion. She supports my work and my faith. She respects my need to serve and she trusts me. She has demonstrated to me that even if the whole universe thinks she did the right thing- if I am hurt or angry or disappointed- she will do anything to apologize to me. She's brought me flowers, she's washed my car, she even tries to cook for me now and again - if she thinks she's in the doghouse with me or the kids she'll do whatever it takes to fix it. One time she got me in trouble with my mom by revealing something she shouldn't have over dinner. My mom was hurt and she was avoiding me. Elizabeth took on extra shifts at a diner to make enough money to buy my mom a new outfit and send me to Pittsburgh to take her out for dinner. Mom said that a girl like that was one of a kind. She also showed me the letter Elizabeth sent her, where Elizabeth apologized for her lack of judgement in spilling my secret. She told my mom not to punish me for her mistake and she asked my mom what it would take to fix things. Mary- Anne McCord had a wicked sense of humour and she forgave me - but tortured Elizabeth for little bit. She came to visit, stayed with Elizabeth and had my poor girlfriend eating crow for three days. We ended up apologizing to her and the three of us ended up laughing over it.

I decided then that Elizabeth was really was the only woman for me, got scared about what that meant and I left her alone and thinking our relationship was over for almost a week. It was my mom who saved my ass by calling Elizabeth to tell her that I was an idiot man who needed a few days to grow up and to please not give up. This time it was me who needed to step up and I tried. Skywriting was what I came up with and my mom loaned me enough money to get a decent engagement ring. I told my beautiful new fiancée that I would never walk away from her again; and because of my anger about Dmitri Petrov I left my wife in Switzerland where she nearly got blown up by an RPG. Elizabeth confessed that had considered going over to Maria Ostrov as they all left and it was because she chose to call me that she wasn't standing next to the Russian President when the blast happened. "Henry I was going to let you and Conrad gab and I was going to demand a deal for Dmitri even if it meant Conrad was going to filet me." I had to hug her and go for a run. Lose my Elizabeth and get Dmitri back; lose Dmitri and have my wife in one piece. It's a sobering experience. I have to believe that Elizabeth is telling me the truth because she has never twisted my emotions like that before. She isn't a game player when it comes to human emotions. So while I adore her and can't lose her, I need to process how we all failed Dmitri. God Bless her because Elizabeth knows that.

I should never have recruited him. But if wishes were horses than beggars would ride. In the meantime I am going to try and get some sleep because tomorrow I have to teach and on Saturday we are going to try another brunch for the neighbours. Elizabeth will be home this time and I think she's asked Conrad and Lydia to pop in. Stevie has been begged to make quiche again, and she has agreed because she's happy with a new boyfriend. Elizabeth says I'll be read in when Stevie is ready to share. No Blake this time, but Alison and Jason will be here. We'll be the Merry McCords again if it kills us.

FIN. More musings coming soon