Another Installment, this one about the middle
of Season 2. Giving up Dmitri and the toll on the McCords marriage. Hope you like it. Please review! Even if you hate it. I learn from Reader Interactions
Watch an old Msec or Tea Leoni something tonight. I will be watching You Kill Me.
Brenda
...
Elizabeth
It's been a hell of a week. Maybe it's been 8 days, at this point I am so tired and overstimulated that I doubt I will ever forget this period in my life.
I helped prevent Nuclear war with Russia, I helped save a few astronauts from certain death on the Space Station, my daughter Alison needed me to work at the Winter Fair for her school,and my husband of 26 years is angry at me and disappointed in me. That one hurts inside because I make it my life mission not to disappoint the best person I know. I own my choices, and while I was between a rock and a hard place and could easily have been fired for insubordination if I fought harder; the truth is that I put the greater good ahead of my husband and gave up on Dmitri Petrov. Maria Ostrov was a bitch. We needed a peace deal. Millions of lives were at stake. Conrad pressures me into backing him, and in that minute I knew what I had to do. Maybe I should have refused. I could be back on the farm, or maybe in jail next to Juliet. At least my husband would be proud of me. I admit it, that is important to me. Having to look him in the eye and hurt him - I would rather take a beating. Henry McCord is gentle and forgiving; and honestly I don't earn nearly enough grace to pay back what I receive. He explained to me a long time ago that grace doesn't work like that. It's unconditional and freely given. I hope I never take advantage of that. God - whoever that is, knows I am one flawed human. What if I have done the one thing I cannot be forgiven for? What ifHenry resents me for the rest of our days? I don't know how I will bear that; but just as we asked Salnikov to honour the living Russians by not forgetting all of the wars we have fought, we must also carry and live with the schrapnel that comes from leading and sending good people to fight big battles. I know we all struggle with that idea in this administration. Conrad did not want to hurt Dmitri. But he did, and I am going to say this once. It would have been nice if he had been the one to tell Henry. My husband might hate me just a little less. Henry has only walked out on me twice. The first time was because he was 26 and afraid to get married. I was gutted and he has more than made up for that. Today he said he needed time to think about things and if he stayed with me he would say harsh and unforgiveable things. He threw his belongings into his suitcase and went to Jane Fellows. I cried buckets. I don't know how to function without Henry at my side. He was there from the moment I started college. He loved me as a skinny, freckled, messy haired messed up freshman. I was quiet, and so introverted and awkward I cringe when I remember the girl with no parents. The one who lived for horses and math. Henry taught me how to trust in myself and to fall in love. He was so handsome he took my breath away. He was gentle and sweet. He listened, and he made me feel safe and beautiful. I don't want lawyers. I want to trade places with Dmitri Petrov. I think I could endure anything if I knew for sure that my husband wasn't disgusted with me. The last time I saw this face was when I tried to get him to give an A to Olga Gorev; and years ago when I was willing to go to Baghdad and leave my family. I know when I go too far. He loves me; but right now he's not here. I know he would never cheat on me- as much as my insecurities will let me believe that. Jane is beautiful and savvy and tough. She's also someone he respects and she exasperates Henry. But she's a sexy operative who didn't just disappoint him. I know he's just talking to her as a buddy, and he's taking a commercial flight home. He won't even fly on the same plane with Conrad and me. I have to believe that in a couple of days we can hash this out at home. With Ice Cream and popcorn and scotch. I need to go for a run. I don't care that it's 2 am and freezing.
Conrad
Oh boy does this scotch sit heavy in my hand tonight. Today I gave a valuable asset up to his death. It won't be an easy one. He'll be tortured first and that's all on me. I put Bess in an impossible position and I know she has my back but that's still asking a lot. I know she sees me as a mentor, a bit of a big brother, perhaps even a touch of a father. I have asked that woman to do impossible things and she always does them. The few times she hasn't done what I expected she's accepted her lumps. I spoke with Henry tonight and I tried to tell him that Bess did not agree with what I did. Henry sees clearly so much of the time; so when I use his wife to gut him he feels doubly betrayed. I heard he left and I should go check on Elizabeth- but I fear she might resign. Then again she's equally likely to kick me tonight. Hell i thought Henry was going to punch me. Maria Ostrov was ready to make a big move though. It's one man. But I will be haunted for a long time to come. Lydia is not at work with me. She always had her own life, separate from mine and when I am home with her- I rarely have to facethe-consequences of my work life. For Bess it's different. Henry is such a unique talent the government and IC needs him. I know this strains the McCords' marriage and I regret that. At least they can speak about the important issues. I know it wasn't all that long ago that Elizabeth was facing charges of breaching the espionage act and I was not aware that Russell had gone to her and said that I couldn't protect her. She wouldn't let Henry fall on her behalf though. She'd have gone to jail to protect his integrity and I can only imagine that tonight she is trying to come up with a way to get Dmitri back. I know if Elizabeth is in trouble, Henry McCord will be an attack force. I saw that with Iran, I saw it in his utter frustration about the Espionage Act. He tried to take the fall for her, and she couldn't let him do it. Those two are beautiful. Their love for one another, their desire to serve and their passion to protect their country is amazing to behold. However there are always some rough edges, some snags, and I fear today that I have alienated Henry and really harmed Elizabeth. I asked her to think outside the box- but today I made her stand in one.
Henry
Thank God she's all right. I am absolutely furious with her and Conrad but that RPG was too close for comfort. I adore her, and I left her and while I can't go back to get her right now; hearing on the news what happened made my stomach drop. I can usually see my way to forgiveness pretty quickly. She's almost always the missing piece to my soul. She's my everything. But right now there is a disconnect. I know she never intended to give that boy up. I know she slept as well as I did last night. I know she's hurting today and it's not lost on me that Conrad made this decision. I am flawed too. I am just angry and I cannot lie and say that it is fine. But we'll get through it. I just have to try and save Talia. Dmitri would want that. I know that Elizabeth has a bit of jealousy over my friendship with Jane. Jane and I have discussed it. Jane is concerned she'll end up losing her career because of a whim. That I know won't happen. My wife isn't like that. But we are all human and flawed. Sometimes rash decisions are made. Whenever I feel like this the person I talk to is my soul mate. We have that school carnival in a couple of days. Let's cool off and then talk. I am very grateful that Elizabeth is not injured. I do wonder though, if Dmitri was given up for nothing.
Alison
Mom and Dad have been weird. They are fighting. I hate it when they fight because it doesn't happen much. I can remember maybe two times it was this big cloud of rain over the whole family. We get that they bicker and say things- yes. That's a few times a week. Mom burns dinner; or calls Earl. Dad gets offended, or he just misses her. One of them would forget to get milk, or they would both be grading papers and we kids would get hungry and they would have to order pizza because no one thawed out the pork chops. Expensive car repairs. Vacations where we all get sick, like that road trip to Florida in like, 2006. Normal family stuff and then like 10 minutes later they are making out in the kitchen and Stevie, Jase and I are grossed out. But this time I can tell that Dad is hurt and Mom feels horrible. If they break up it will be her fault! She left dad home a lot with us when she was in the CIA. Maybe she had an affair or maybe she did something wrong. Stevie thought dad had an affair last year. We all know she almost went to jail last year. Dad says they are fine, Mom says they are fine No one tells kids anything but we know way more than they think. I guess I don't really want to blame Mom or Dad. I am probably just mad because they were acting weird at school. But Dad did stay for a few extra hours and Dean Ward likes him. I know she hates my mom. Mom gets along with almost everyone, but her and Dean Ward clash. I secretly think they both want to have a fight; but they can't because it would ruin both of their reputations forever. I talked to Jason about it and he says Mom could take Felicia to the mat. I heard though, that Dean Ward once knocked out a parent who was disrespectful. Urban legends. But I am a peer mediator and maybe I can talk to them.
I ambushed Mom in the bathroom. I helped her do her makeup for work and find a blouse she wasn't sick of. Mom said Dad was hurt because of something classified that she and Uncle Conrad had to do. She said Dad found out a bit about it and disagreed. I know Mom almost got blown up. That's not classified though. I know Dad hates it that she's in danger sometimes. We all do. That happens a lot since she became the Secretary. She admits that this job is way more challenging that she ever imagined. But she's not a quitter and most of the time she feels like she has an opportunity she never thought possible. That it makes the world safer for us kids. It's complicated because I love her and I want her to love me and be proud of me. I know she does. I know she is and I know that I felt invisible for a while when she had no idea how into fashion and makeup I am. I get that I am different from her. She's a math major and she doesn't care a lot about clothes. She wants to do the right thing all the time- and it's not so easy when you are getting pressure from all sides. I care about friends, looking good and all the stuff I know she thinks is superficial. But I guess all girls clash with their moms sometimes.
Except my mom. My grandma died young and my mom was an orphan. We forget that sometimes. Mom hardly ever says anything about it, but when my mom has a death scare, we all feel scared. Moms are supposed to be there forever.
Jason
Dad knows I am blaming mom for their fight and he came and talked to me. He asked me to just remember that Mom loves us and she's still the same lady she was before we came to DC. It was weird because he started saying all these nice things about her and then his face looked sad and as soon as he heard her come in and he asked her to go for a walk. God, I bet they come home and go make out. I know I wasn't hatched from an egg but watching your parents grope each other is just wrong. I was going to go downstairs and play video games but no way. If I ever have kids I won't torture them like that.
Elizabeth
Henry still loves me! I can breathe when I think about our walk tonight. Henry actually made a joke at my expense and teased me about my love of popcorn. I'll take it. So for now we don't need lawyers and he still loves me. I can work with that. I will gain his trust and respect again. Ultimately I did side with Conrad and that means consequences for me and my marriage. Henry has also accepted that he entered the IC while I am the Secretary and he did take on Dmitri as an asset. He got close. He cares about Talia too and he hasn't completely compartmetalized the situation. This one is hard for us. They say every marriage hits a rough patch. One that's different from all the others. One that snuffs out love and commitment and feeds off of pride, resentment. I know a lot of couples split up but
I won't let that happen. I just have to have the courage to let this problem run it's course, and keep us talking. I can do that. I do awkward and uncomfortable at work all the time. Henry and I have vowed to never let anything keep us apart. We survived his deployment, we survived my time at CIA and that whole debacle with the Baghdad station Chief position. We survived moving to DC and the fact that Henry is now, ironically, working in Intelligence. I love him with every fibre of my soul. I know he loves me in the same way. We have just hit a really thorny passage. We might need some help. I will see if he wants to get couples counseling. It might be really hokey; but I can't have us lose everything. Pride be damned.
Fin for today. Hope you liked it. Reviews mean a lot. Happy Sunday.