Hi all. This is inspired by Right and Left of the boom. Season 2. It's what the characters are journaling and thinking, to round out what we see.

I hope you enjoy it and please review. It means the world to me.

Alison

I know my parents are angry at me and disappointed too. They didn't even really punish me. Not like they should have. They took my phone away because I let someone cyber bully in my name. Dad gave it back to me practically right away though. He wanted me to have it at the conference for security purposes. Turns out even when my parents are angry and disappointed they are also still loving and forgiving and understanding. They want me to be brave and strong and complex, like they are because life is complex and they are proud of me and most of who I am and what I stand for. Mom came and spoke with me before school today. She was worried about me last night, and she said that being 16 is a hard age. Everyone talks about how we are practically adults, and that we are driving and in junior year- it turns out we are still kids in so many ways. She reminded me that when she was my age she was newly orphaned and in boarding school and she made some poor choices. They had consequences back then, she smiled at me, and it turns out she disappointed herself a few times between ages 15 and today. I was shocked at that. I asked her how she disappoints her adult self and she hugged me tightly and rubbed my back. She admitted that life is nothing but choices and we cannot be afraid to make them, but that we always have consequences. Even if they are nice ones- like having a baby when you work for the CIA, or getting praised by the president. But that even with the good comes the hard stuff- like falling behind at work because you had a baby, and all the haters that sharpen their claws when the President praises you. Wisdom comes with being able to live with both sets of consequences and still owning your choice. Punishment happens for us kids when we need an active reminder that some choices hurt a lot of people and shouldn't be repeated. She reminded me how horrible she felt when she learned she had been so out of touch with me and my love of fashion and art. She told me she's still not forgiven herself for that, and she likely never will. I hugged her and said that she more than made up for it over the last while, but she had tears in her eyes when she said that I wouldn't understand until I disappointed my own child.

So tomorrow I am going to hear some cool women speak at at women and girls conference, that she's hosting and that her team put together, and because of what the White House needs- she isn't allowed to be there. I can't imagine what it would be like if someone threw acid at my face. I am nowhere near as brave as Noor. Mom says that she isn't as brave as Noor's mom either. If it happened to me Mom wouldn't want to let me out of her sight. I forget how normal of a mama bear she can be. She is gone so much and she's always so professional now. But I remember her when I think about it. Like at Christmas when we decorate the tree. She loves Christmas music and she wants us to take pictures in matching pajamas. She built Lego with all of us when we were little and when our dog Lady got sprayed by a skunk mom just got out the tomato juice and cursed the whole time we had to wash Lady. Then she saw the mess in the bathroom and she cried. She let us eat ice cream for dinner that night. She helps us study for tests, she doesn't like strange noises in the middle of the night, and she always gets laffy strong for our birthdays. But this conference is big and she's really disappointed that she isn't allowed to be there. Sometimes she hates her job. I heard her and Dad talking the other day. Mom wanted to know if she was present enough for us kids - and she listed a million things that she missed about us and being home like when she was on a desk at Langley and as a prof. Dad has this really calm voice he uses when Mom is upset and it always settles everyone in the family. Mom noticed that. She thanked him for doing all the extra parenting stuff and she told him she was grateful. Then they started kissing and I went back into my room. I guess it's good they love each other and it's romantic. Stevie says it's better than having them yell all the time and getting divorced. I still have some growing up to do. Since I got my phone back, they grounded me for a week- except for this conference - and they want me to write an essay about how people who stand back and don't fight bullying are just as guilty as the actual bullies. No kid likes to be punished at all but I guess if I learn something and I earn their respect back it's worth it. I apologized too. In person, and I am going to tell the other girls that what we did wasn't acceptable. Dad thought that was brave and he said he was proud of me because I thought of that myself. Stevie said I should've remembered that in the first place, but she remembers being my age and messing up. Jason was a sarcastic tool. He still doesn't really get it. Later that night Mom found out what I did and she came and laid down next to me. She told me a story about her childhood and she rarely does that. It makes her sad when she thinks about her parents. She's working on that. She was the new kid at Houghton Hall and really scared. Some of the girls hated her because she was new and pretty. Some of the boys thought they could outperform her because she was a girl from the sticks of Charlottesville. She didn't know who to trust and the only thing that made sense was her schoolwork. Then the pranks started. Someone put paint in her shampoo bottle. Someone else planted test answers in her book and she had to take a zero on an exam. With time, and her crying on the roof of one of the dorms- she found a friend and where there was one friend, came a few more. I could hear the tears in her voice as she spoke and I rolled over and started rubbing her cheek. I was crying too. I assured her I could never do that to anyone and she sounded pretty sure when she said she knew that. But mean girl crap can turn into something evil really quickly and we never know what someone is going through. She didn't want everyone to know she was an orphan. She hated that she was pretty. She actually went and got a haircut and stopped caring about her appearance for a while. That didn't work because then she was teased for being "fat and ugly and full of zits". I apologized for those kids. I apologized for even thinking those kind of kids were cool. She kissed me and I saw her beautiful eyes. I told her I hope I would have been her friend and she smiled at me. She loved Lacrosse like I loved soccer. She was big on fairness and knew little about fashion. I told her I would have helped her to look amazing and feel comfortable in her own skin. We fell asleep talking and crying and Dad came to find Mom at about 530 am. On a Saturday. He said Russell was on the phone. He looked worriedly at both of us. We had sleep and tear tracks on our faces, but we hugged him and Mom said she knew I was turning out all right. That made me feel good. I think Mom and Stevie and I are going to be good friends once we've all grown up and she's done working 100 hours a day.

Jay

The look on Msec's face as she brainstorms is priceless. Her mind places pieces together like something out of that movie Minority Report. She grabs facts from all parts of the story and systematically organizes them while she processes. It took her a minute to realize that the conference was a target for a bomb and she ordered it cleared. I know she was immediately worried about her family- all of whom were front and center for Noor El-Khatib's talk. I have never seen her eyes go wild with fear before and as the tv screen went blank and she knew that a dirty bomb had gone off - she was torn. She wanted to go find her husband and her kids. She was horrified that she had just watched them all get blown away. If she were anyone other than Elizabeth McCord she might well have screamed or gone crazy. Maybe even passed out. But my boss-Just a horrified look, a deep swallow and a slight keening to her voice as she remembered that America was her family too, and that she had taken an oath to be the most professional diplomat on Earth, no matter what she herself had to endure. If Abby and Chloe were at that conference I might well have jumped out a window to get there faster. No one had better accuse her of being cold and uncaring. You can see that her body is trembling. She however is disciplined and she'll freak out when she's alone and this is over. I can sense that about her. Grace under pressure. It's admirable.

Blake

I had sweated through my shirt and for once I didn't really care. The SUV had been speeding through DC and all MSec and I couled do was try and reach any of the McCords. I had never seen her look so horrified before and I can't even fathom what it must have been like to be a wife and a mother to a family that may have died in a radiation bomb blast at a conference she sent them too. God if she had lost any of them... Jason finally picked up and I swear her blood pressure dropped when she heard that all three of children were alive and well. If she had been able too, I suppose she might have cried. Dr. McCord was a concern though. Those two people are the most courageous and service minded individuals DC has ever seen. He went back in to help and now is possibly dying of radiation poisoning. Still my boss is in the situation room working on catching who did this before they can harm anyone else. I have never been more inspired and I don't think Professor McCord will ever understand what his wife went through today.

Russell

I misjudged this woman. This blonde headed supermodel that Conrad was fawning all over two years ago. All I saw was a non politician who lived on a horse farm who was a professor at UVA with 3 kids and a lack of fashion sense, a lack of malice and who was very much what Americans call a soccer mom. I looked up her records at CIA and agreed that she was once a brilliant operative with chutzpah. My concern was that she had no experience in DC and that she would be laughed out of her office as fast as Conrad put her there.

That woman is making me eat my hat and if I think my own wife Carole is a woman who broke the mould - I also have to admit that Bess McCord is a force of nature. Jesus Christ can I write how many grown men I have reduced to dust with one of my scowls, lectures or pronouncements? When I take someone to the woodshed they run away with their pants on fire! But not this woman. She's gorgeous, highly intelligent, forceful, and when I yell at her she either actually listens or she yells back and threatens to pop me in the nose. When I take her out back she takes the licking and keeps on ticking. She never complains about me to anyone who will gossip about it, and because of her, I now get flack from her chief of staff and her personal chihuahua. I can't give her an inch so when she leaves my office after admitting she's made an error or outright demanding respect for a job well done - I have to wait until she's long gone until I can chuckle. I tried to fire her once and she sat in front of me and said that was the only way she would back off. Conrad himself has admitted that while he always admired her and her thinking, he worried that because her focus now had a family that she might crumple on DC and disappoint him. He admitted to pushing her harder than he would ever push a male SOS and that Elizabeth wouldn't break. Jiminy Crickets today might have broken me. Her whole family was nearly blown to kingdom come and she did her job. After she spoke to her kids she held her own in the sit room and even tore a strip off the Italians while she was waiting to see if her husband was going to die. I think even if we lost Henry McCord that woman would work twice as hard to make him proud and honour his legacy. I have thought about letting Bess and Carole make friends- even set them all up with Ellen Hill; but Conrad and I agree that these women cannot gang up on us like that. We men would find ourselves in second place next to all that empowerment and now that Henry McCord has proven that he can live through anything and that he'll happily support his wife no matter what she does I have to keep the circle close. If Bess keeps on like she has been- that woman is going to rule the universe someday. Conrad is thinking about his second term and then his legacy and he says that if Bess and Henry keep on working together he's prepared to advance her position in the party.

For now though, we are going to do something nice for them. Henry wants back into DNI and he is truly a boon for that group. Elizabeth can be read in so that she can contribute and so that we don't force them to keep secrets from one another. Conrad says that Henry and Elizabeth communicate in such a sophisticated way that national security will improve if we aren't focused on jailing them for breaking the Espionage act.

And only in this journal will I ever admit that Bess' courage these last few days has been jaw dropping. If Carole had been in Henry's spot- I can't say for certain that I would have handled myself with so much class. She's impressive.

Henry

The house is quiet and I still can't process how I survived these last few days. I had a long talk with my team for Murphy Station and Jane Fellows asked me how Elizabeth was doing. Because word at the White House is that my wife has blown the doors off the place with her tireless work on this latest crisis. I can read signs and the kids flat out ratted on their mom. Stevie came home early the other day and said she overheard Elizabeth sobbing in the basement. Alison caught her sitting on the edge of the bathtub mooring just chewing her lip to pieces and Blake let slip that she's been skipping the pastries at work. I scared her to death. She may be the strongest person and she is dedicated to doing the right thing and yet, she has told me a few times over the years that she treasures our little family and that it's her greatest fear that she'll lose the rest of the people that she loves. I remember that first night I was home and feeling pretty sick, she climbed into bed and held me in her work clothes. She told me she was very proud of me, and the kids. She found out that Stevie and Ali both donated blood at the scene and that Jason was checking in with people at triage. She doesn't want me to join DNI again. She wants me to teach at the war college and stop putting my life on the line. She says it's for the kids, so they don't become orphans like she was. I heard her but I didn't listen. I have now committed myself to fight Hisb'aal- Shahid and I know she's intensely grateful that she can be read in. Am I seeking revenge for the times that she's been in mortal danger? I would never do that purposefully but maybe I am doing something unhealthy. Blaming her for Dmitri, for her time away from home all those years; all the worry I felt and the times she couldn't call home on time. She was supposed to be an analyst- but that was clearly just part of her job. If I ponder it, it parallels a lot with what I am doing. A job that is supposed to be one thing; yet it becomes something more. The chance to help a lot of people live a better life. I felt called by God, thé chance to stick it to my dad, and the free education. Elizabeth has admitted that she felt a purpose after her parents accident. The CIA needed a person with her skill set and while she was in school it was a way to pay for education, and be assured a higher purpose. It was a family for her, and she had already signed on when we met. They recruited her at her high school graduation for God's sake. The one where she was valedictorian and alone. But I digress, bottom line right now is she is hurting and feeling like her husband doesn't care that he nearly died. Her PTSD must be awful and she hasn't said much. So tonight I am going to listen. I have to figure out where she is at. I will call her assistant.

Blake is a a gem. He has been watching her closely the last couple of weeks and it's worse than I thought. She's not eating much. She's powering through and she's been sick to her stomach. She's pale, and he catches her staring at the family photos and momento's in her office. She is checking up on all three kids- even they have mentioned this. Texts, calls to the schools to see if field trips are back on time, one to Dean Ward to ensure that Alison ate her lunch. Blake said that Elizabeth didn't even fight back when that fascist Quaker insulted her. Elizabeth apologized for disturbing her. It's official. We broke Mom is what I tell the kids and we hatch a plan.

We tidy up, Alison makes a good Mac and cheese for supper and Stevie picks up some popcorn and mocha almond fudge ice cream. I convince Blake to try and shuffle her out of there by 5pm on Friday and I read Nadine in. No interruptions this weekend unless absolutely necessary. Nadine assures me Jay is fine with that as Chloe is away and everyone agrees Elizabeth needs family time.

When she arrives home we are all there to greet her. We take her coat and her briefcase. Alison hauls her upstairs and tosses jeans and a T-shirt at her. She comes downstairs puzzled. We ply her with the food and I can see her relax as we all chatter about what is happening in our lives. After supper she picks up her phone and is surprised that there are no texts. Jason takes it away from her and then he hugs her. Both the girls join in and soon they are tickling her mercilessly. She is on the couch gasping for air when they relent. Now completely disheveled she is suspicious. We all sing « for she's a jolly good fellow » and her forehead crinkles in confusion. Then Stevie explains our reason for Mom appreciation night. I add that we all love her and need her and take her love for granted. Jason chimes in that he is glad we are all in one piece because the bomb was terrifying. Alison says that we are all busy with school and friends and our own lives; but after an event like that, we need to celebrate our survival. Finally I kneel in front of her and take her hands and tell her what Conrad told me. I would have forgiven her for not being in the situation room right after it happened. If she wanted to be at the hospital with us - I would have understood. She started to cry and gathered us all in for a group hug. Through her tears she explains how scared she was and how much we all mean to her and how impossible it is to always be so professional and brave and tough. She says the idea of this house without all of our noise and our dirty socks and the bad smells is not home. She also really needs to play board games with us and go for a walk. Everyone starts laughing througj their tears and then Jason speaks up. His words are cutting but true. He wants to know why no one talks about how I could have died and left only mom to raise them. He is upset with me. The girls chime in, Stevie says she would have tried to be a dad to them but at 21 is nowhere near ready. She's in school, dating and finds it hard supervising the siblings. Alison throws her mom under the bus. All those CIA missions that we don't know about. And Iran. It was her birthday and all she could think about was that her mom was probably being tortured. Elizabeth and I looked helplessly at one another. Then my wife speaks. She admits that we don't always do the best thing for the family. That we are learning to balance jobs, service and home. She confesses that she has no idea how to raise kids older than 15- because she was on her own at that age. Jason points out that mom is damaged and she agrees. She adds that we are all damaged somewhat, as humans and that it's talks like this one that keep us honest and striving for improvement. She apologizes for making us all worry about her and admits that Karma is a bitch. She is keenly aware that losing us is her greatest fear and she adds that she does her job to make the world better for us and her grandchildren. She wants to make us proud. I tell her that we are, but that it comes with a cost. She concurs. The whole family is speaking from their souls, sitting on the couch, on the floor, touching one another. A chain of McCords. Alison points out we could all be hit by a bus tomorrow and that it is cool that her parents are role models. Stevie says that role models are amazing but hard to live up too. Jason says he doesn't try as hard as he could because he knows he's incapable of meeting our expectations. Elizabeth smacks him on the shoulder and her eyes are fierce. She says that he's making excuses for not trying his best and that all of this melancholy may have gone a step too far. Presidents and foreign ministers have kids, cops have kids, teachers have kids and that to borrow the hit by a bus theory- we are all in danger of one sort or another much more often than we care to admit. Stevie agrees. As much as it sucks, the McCords aren't Wal Mart cashiers. She wants to be a lawyer and if Ali and Jase want to be wal mart cashiers she is pretty confident they will still be fine and that Mom and Dad will still cherish them. She says if we didn't disown her last year she could be sure of that. Elizabeth laughed and admitted she could cheerfully sold Stevie to the Gypsies last year. Alison points out that Jason is just a kid and shouldn't have to know what he wants to do yet and that with this whole bullying cloud she's been under lately- it was good to have parents who cared enough to stop her and make her learn her lesson. I ruffle her hair and ask everyone to raise their right hand. I promise it will be worth it and I raise mine « repeat after me. I am a McCord. I love my family. I am a flawed human and I am grateful for these embarrassing soul searching discussions to keep us all honest. » Everyone is laughing now and Jason wants to know if he can play video games. Alison swears her blog should have a million likes and Stevie wants to call Jareth. I eye Elizabeth and she nods. She asks me to join her for a walk. We put on our running shoes and head out. It's 9 pm and my wife wants to burn off nervous energy, family therapy and a very difficult couple of weeks. DS keeps a respectable distance. She buries herself in my side, something she only does when she's feeling vulnerable. I admit that my lizard brain enjoys steadying her and being the one she leans on. She's a tough cookie. I forget she's younger than I am. I forget she raised herself because she did such an amazing job. We are near a park and I ask her to go on the swings. The grin she gives me is brighter than the stars. I push her and listen to her laugh. Breathless, she asks me to race her on the jungle gym. DS officially thinks we are insane but they let us do it. She yelps as I chase her across the bridge and she shimmies down the pole and hides in the pirate fort. I join her and we sit in the cold sand. I tell her that we are going to get bladder infections. She nods. Her mom used to say that too. We talk about our younger selves and I keep the conversation to under 13 adventures so I don't make her cry. It's exactly what we need and when Elizabeth announces that her butt is soaked we decide to go home and warm up. I spank her teasingly and she swats next back. Her jeans are covered in sand and her face is red with cold. Her eyes have some bounce back in them and she asks me if we can go home and take a very adult shower.

I agree and that's exactly what we do. We are experts at keeping the kids from knowing what we are doing, and tonight we simply don't care. They are all occupied and ignoring us anyway. It's amazing we don't slip in that shower. Tomorrow we will have to do laundry and it's been a while since I washed clothes covered in sand. Since Iraq back in 2005 if I remember. She knows what I am thinking and she says she can do the laundry. I bury my face in her coconut scented hair and start crying. She rubs my back. After a few minutes I admit that I am terrified of losing my family. I tell her that when I saw those Haz-Mat suits I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach. She can relate. The moment she woke up on the morning of the Iran trip until she was home in my arms she knew she was screwed. We promise to do better with the chances we have been given and she senses pain I didn't know I had. She apologizes for Dmitri and says that she can't ever fix that but she can honour the scar I carry. I thank her for that. My wife is honest and while we both know we will fight again, in this moment it's late on a Friday night and all five of us are home safe and communicating. That has to count for something.

Fin