Events surrounding Minefield. The Season 4 Christmas party that Elizabeth has because she wants a treaty on land mines. She's also thinking about things... Henry is furious at Beau Carpenter and Stevie is exasperated by her mom. I may take a short break from Musings to do a couple of different stories - Russell and Bess, but I love writing musings. Again if there are typos and grammar errors - I apologize. I am writing on an IPhone.

Enjoy!

-Elizabeth

I need to do some soul searching this Christmas. It's the end of 2017, we just arrested the Senate Majority leader for colluding with the Russians to infiltrate our government. Henry is beside himself with righteous indignation and I will be starting the new year off by holding Russia accountable.

On top of that- people are looking at me to be Conrad's legacy and I don't know what I think about that. On the surface I say no. A few years ago I was on a horse farm. I was a few years in to a good solid teaching career at UVA. I was a PTA mom who shopped at Wal Mart and I wore pigtails on the weekends. Then,overnight,I became Secretary of State and dragged my whole family into the swamp of DC politics because my old friend said I could affect real change in the world.

Now, I can't drive, I have diplomatic security and I have been embroiled in more dangerous situations than I thought possible after I left the CIA. Henry thinks it's hilarious. He didn't want me spending any more time in Iraq than I already had. I fought him on it- but in the end I realized that even a cat only has nine lives and my children and husband wanted, needed me to be safe, predictable and home.

I miss driving. I don't regret leaving CIA, and as Secretary of State, I have been involved in some incredibly stressful, life changing politics.

But I came to serve the POTUS. Not to be the POTUS. If I run, how would that even work? And if I win? The first female president? What could that even look like.

I don't want to go back to the horse farm again. Since Buttercup died, I feel like I need a new dream. The kids are almost grown and they like city life. Henry is in Intelligence work. He sees more action than I ever wanted for him. It scares me to death if I am going to be blunt. It was hell when he went to desert storm. I threw myself into my job at CIA and somehow we both made it to today - alive. My Henry is a kind soul, a rare soul- and I always knew my very educated specialized husband was called to a higher purpose. He did some work for the NSA years ago, and with me in the cabinet now- his skills have diversified as he worked, and let me shape policy. I swear to God though, I have had it with Conrad and Russell sending him off to get killed and it amazes me that I haven't said "Send somebody else," or the even better "I don't fucking think so."

My favourite adventures though - are the ones I inadvertently send him on myself. Bolivia comes to mind. I suggested Henry make a phone call. I should have known Conrad would up the ante. That was a fun couple of days. When I got Henry home he told me I couldn't be upset because it was my plan. I know. I beat myself up pretty hard over that and damnit, if Henry didn't see right through that and talk me off the stage of the self loathing tour. I married an amazing man. The covenant of John was stopped and he saved some lives and we got the congressman back.

I explained all of my fears to Henry after the last one, where I did utter "He means bring your ass home Henry." My husband reminded me that I am his SOS in those situations, not his wife. I argued right back that I was both. What is Conrad going to do - put me in the time out corner? Henry is afraid that there is such a place for me - and I won't like it there at all. "They'll shut you down babe. And you'll be in the dark and in trouble and your career might be finished" and I hate it that he is right about this. I asked him to just please understand that if it was reversed he might be telling me to haul my ass home. His eyes were murderous as he mentioned that he has been in that place and I was not always as co operative about it as I think I am or that I expect him to be. So he has a point. When the man is right, and I deserve it- I will send myself to the woodshed. There's been a lot of that this week for me. It wasn't just Henry I had to apologize to; this week my kids schooled me on what a pain in the ass I can be. This Christmas party we had- to get votes for us to finally deal with land mines. Because I wouldn't use a party planner, Russell thought it would be kicky to dump this on Stevie. As she pointed out - I am a Diva sometimes. Alison and Jason both agree and ruefully, shamefully, I have to concede the point. So the outside world sees me as a future President. My brand new policy adviser once threw a table at a guy because he fell for a bribe that screwed everyone over and flattened a good plan and she also says that avocado farms are over rated. She wants to work for me because I inspire her. Oh Kat. Maybe I really am just a bag of hot air. Who am I to be planning all these lives? I just told Blake I was going to fire him in a year for his own good. If anybody deserves to be popped in the nose right now and sent home to adjust her attitude it's this girl. God, if Will finds out what's been happening around here these last few weeks I will never live this down. He's still high about the fact that I am believed to be a murderess by 12 per cent of Americans. I also owe him a nice lunch.

The silver lining in all this, is how proud I am of everyone in my life for having the balls to shut me down when I am being insufferable. My daughter Stevie, has become this incredibly strong beautiful woman and she put together a party that was not only perfect for what was needed, but also fit with the McCord budget and lifestyle. She managed to get everyone to do what they were supposed to do - including manage me. She's even proud of me and sees me as more than a mom and a Secretary of State - despite my recent behaviour. Maybe saying goodbye to Jareth has been good for her. Maybe there's a new guy, or maybe it's all of it and my baby girl has come so far since dropping out of Lovell.

I miss my mom. Who would I be today if Suzanne had lived? I think about that sometimes. Especially as my kids now are older than Will and I were when we lost our parents. Dad and Will were butting heads. I was only just starting to rebel. Would I have been so focused on Math and it's elegance if I hadn't been in the middle of math homework when they died? If I hadn't needed a philosophy essay class to round me out- would I have have appreciated Henry McCord and his quiet steadfast strength? If not for an insanely lonely few years would the McCord cacauphony have made such an impression on me? Would I have been like Blake and wanted to rip my face off when the idea of my parents visiting me was just too much? A life with no Houghton Hall, no Joey- what about Conrad? That man spoke to my soul because the idea of service was important to a girl who felt powerless and wanted to matter...

This could all go on forever and every single choice could have been different.

But that isn't my reality. My reality is that who I am is shaped because of my life and those people in it. So who I am is a service minded woman who happens to be in love with being a mom, Secretary of State and who secretly loved her adventures with CIA. Bruises fade, bones heal and the stories are good ones. I got to do some crazy shit. I also got into way more trouble than I had a right to, and had my ass saved by luck, good training, the balls we have when we are in our 20's and America has an Eagle on our shoulders.

I have shaped my kids. All three of them- with my intentions, my failures, my genetics and my reactions. I have lifted them, and I have hurt them. I know that. And now? I see what it means to be in the cabinet. The costs. To even think about going for POTUS. Not only is that an ask of everyone in my house- it's an ask of my colleagues and of America. Who would donate to me? What would I owe them for those dollars? Is America ready for a woman? A middle aged non partisan woman who comes up with crazy ideas? I can't be President because it's about me. I could only do it if I thought America needed my lens to focus her needs and intentions. And campaigning, not to mention our house and our savings- do I have any right to ask Henry to do this for me? To do this with me? What does that mean for his dreams.

So clearly I have to do some soul searching. I need to make amends to my family- because I love and respect them and they take a lot of heat for me. I need to do something special for my staff because they are with me through the daily grind at state. Blake alone deserves a private island in the Maldives. I bet he wishes he could go back in time and drop my class on Political Economy.

Henry says my parents would be proud of who Lizzie Adams became. I bank on the idea that he knows something I don't. I can start fresh today though. Be a daughter that doesn't just plow ahead and expect others to deal with the mess. My dad was big on personal responsibility. That's me again, no more attitude. It was easier when I was a kid. My mom and dad would talk to me about what I was doing wrong and the lesson always made sense. I would apologize and move on. As an adult, this is still good advice, but so much harder to do.

Henry

I had a talk with the kids today. It might be fun to be on their side for a few minutes and play let's pick mom apart - but we could just as easily play Pick dad apart or Pick each of them a part. Mom, the love of my life, is imperfect but highly aware of her flaws. I can sense she knows she's pissed off a few of us, because she's quiet, journaling furiously and lost in thought. There's been an uptick in her jogging, and Russell said she apologized to him this morning and it was just an awkward mess because he hadn't screamed at her yet. Apparently she apologized for that too. Blake says he's been given a weekend off - and he knows the weekend that she's picked is one she'll find very challenging without him to help.

I know this. This is I feel guilty Elizabeth and it never ends well. It usually ends with her in the kitchen trying to make some big meal to feed everyone; and ends with the fire department at our house. The last time this occurred I told her to just give a heartfelt verbal apology to the person she pissed off. Then avoid repeating that behaviour for at least 24 hours. God Bless her she does so much good in the world but these small things - she has such a hard time with these little everyday things.

If she's this obtuse, it also is a sign that she's pregnant or has a huge idea on her mind. She's almost 50- so if she's pregnant I will eat her party dress. Stevie said people are thinking of her as Conrad's legacy and I bet that's it. She's probably feeling very vulnerable. I am going to stage an intervention. Talk to DS and explain that if she wants to stop at Kroeger's and is talking about cooking- well, they need to shut that down immediately. They are smart guys and they know us intimately. Matt covered his mouth in horror and Ted said he'd shoot her first. Alison swears she will spend Christmas in Pittsburgh first and Jason is ready to hack the appliances. After our stalker incident Jason became quite the expert on how appliances are interconnected. Stevie who remembers being leveraged for baked goods as a kid wants to know why we don't just remind her daily to stay out of the kitchen unless it's to warm up leftovers and the idea is a good one. It's just that Elizabeth wants to nest and care for her brood. Her inner Mama bear instinct to feed us overrides that memory of of the fire trucks. And every time we as a family have to break her heart and embarrass her- her nose crinkles and she looks so bloody crestfallen it's adorable - those eyes of hers make you want to eat the charred piece of whatever it was- and tell her it was delicious. Lydia tried to help once. Said no one on earth could screw up her mothers chicken pie. Conrad and I came home from the game and Lydia told me I owed her a new Dutch oven and a bottle of bourbon. My poor wife. Elizabeth McCord could be your President but she could never, ever be your chef.

...

I could cheerfully strangle Beau Carpenter. The number of agents and the intel he blew for America just to keep his own son from facing a couple of years in a club fed — it all makes me sick. Elizabeth told me how he once needed her plane to go to Cabo and she was just dumbfounded at the sheer audacity it took for him to say that was his "fact finding mission".

She's worried she is falling into a trap. Becoming high minded and superior. She's upset about how when it came to the party planning we all knew she was going to be weird about it. She's also aware that it seems obsessive of her to be picking her obsessive nature apart. I told her - as long as she's always questioning herself that she's doing a better job for America than if she simply went along with everyone or allowed herself to be swayed.

...

Elizabeth

It's Christmas night and everyone has gone to bed and I just finished tidying up the kitchen. So I am going to sit here and look at the lights on the tree. Henry worked so hard on making dinner for us all, as did our three kids so it's up to me to clean the mess. Fair is fair. I know I have tried to cook for them in the past and I really have to remember that it's just not something I can do. Yet. I want to take cooking lessons and surprise them all one day. It's a sore spot for me that I love cooking and baking shows; but can't actually do anything except eat and admire the food. Every time I ask my motorcade to stop at a grocery store; or if I order a food box- DS checks in with Henry. It's embarrassing. I need to change this. I think it's because I try too hard and forget about timers. Eggs in this pan, veggies in that one and so forth. Then a kid would cry, or my phone rings and suddenly the eggs were on fire, the risotto was stuck to the pan, the microwave went off and now the veggies were cold. At work I can delegate. Kat does one job, Jay another and I manage them. I need to be the head chef and have several sous chefs. I love my kitchen but that's just not going to fit and then my family would say that I planned dinner but I did not make it. They think I forgot about the fire trucks out to the farm. I remember and I turn beet red every time. Things were simmering perfectly and I had to pee. When I came back from that there were 3 feet of flames, and while I grabbed the fire extinguisher Alison called 911 and Stevie called her dad. Jason did the sing song "Mama's in tr-ouble" and I was. Henry was so exasperated and I had to pay for the cleaning, repairs and inspection before we could use the kitchen again. Also a week of takeout dinners. And even though you think Charlottesville is a small place and your family loves you enough stay quiet- they do not. It was months of teasing at work and in the community and I think I was the laughingstock of town and UVA until the summer break.

But today was Christmas and it was another beautiful day, and I cried because I am so grateful for this family of mine. My kids have grown, and it's not about Santa anymore- someday there will hopefully be baby men and baby women- but it is about family and tradition and when I was a kid alone at boarding school and missing my parents I honestly thought that my happy memories were behind me. But now I am graced by these noisy people who love me and who work hard to make me feel special on these holidays. We have a tree, music, food, gifts and snow. Even Mother Nature wants me to smile today. We over ate, over indulged and we even managed to go down to the soup kitchen and serve lunch as a family. I could see that despite the pleas for more stuff and the pull of technology- Stevie, Alison and Jason really loved serving up necessities to some of DC's most vulnerable people. On the ride home Jason snuggled his head against my shoulder and I saw my little boy again.

Alison took off the new scarf she was wearing and gave it to a young pregnant woman who didn't have one. She later apologized to me because she knew I had bought it for her in New York City and it had Hello Kitty all over it. I just felt something inside of me that wanted to explode with happiness.

My husband is the most giving man I have ever met and how he puts up with me and my crazy personality I will never grasp. And that's the point of grace, he says. To love someone anyway.

I love democracy like that, and that's why Henry says I really need to think about doing more for America. He told me that I am a beautiful woman who is always uncomfortable in her own skin and that makes me perfect to fight for our country. What do I even say to that? Can I mount a campaign? And if I won does that mean 4 to 8 years of feeling completely inadequate and embarrassed more days than I feel confident? Would my staff come with me? Would the kids be OK if they were scrutinized more and can I ask my family to be in even more danger than they already are with me as the Secretary? Does that make me a bad mother?

All right. Enough for tonight. I need Tums and sleep. I can think about this more over the next week or so. Tomorrow we are all going skiing as an Adams clan up in Vermont and I haven't practiced in two years so after three days of that I won't be able to move and maybe I can talk to Will about this. He'll be honest with me in a way that will be insufferable and if he was any different he wouldn't be my brother. Plus Annie is the little girl fix I need right now because my two daughters did that growing up thing that makes me proud and nostalgic. I wonder often if Mom and I would be close. If she would be coming skiing with us. If she would be nostalgic and proud of me. I do know for certain that dad would have been angry with Beau Carpenter and he would have loved how Carlos Morejon and I can work together even though we secretly want to bash each other in the teeth. Dad would say Carlos and I should be locked in a room together like in that old movie Parent Trap. We wouldn't be allowed out until we got along. My father was big on diplomacy, and he loved Christmas. He also loved winter camping and we went every year and froze. But those memories now are ones I cherish. I miss you Dad...

Go to bed Lizzie Adams McCord. Focus on how if you become President and go too much longer without driving and Henry will make you take driver's ed right alongside those grandchildren you want so badly. Because that only makes sense when you haven't driven in years. That will be embarrassing enough. Drivers ed at almost 60. That's better. I can see my dad laughing at me from here. That last batch of lard balls- umm shortbread really isn't sitting well. Merry Christmas journal.

Fin of this chapter.