Happy September all. I have a ton of partial stories that I am updating and editing.

Based on how I thought Elizabeth might be feeling during the s5.19 episode, when the rumour about her and Conrad came out.

So Musings is not dead after all LOL. This is where I put her thoughts. Henry's Journal is for his thoughts.

No particular order to either - just has to fit the idea that it's her thoughts. Please review- it's what encourages me. So appreciated. I have discovered that I can not reply to guest reviews but I can read them. Have a great night.

Brenda.

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It shouldn't matter that there is a rumour about me and Conrad.

Henry knows it isn't true

But still he had to ask. Just to make sure there wasn't like - kiss or a touch or a stirring in my body because we were over there together...

My kids shouldn't have to look at me and wonder if I could have ever had urges about someone other than their father

Christ my kids know I have urges about their father.

They know I adore Henry and they have each walked in on us at least once - noodle has twice, Stevie three times and thankfully Jason was just a toddler.

They see us kissing and they know we have a healthy marriage but today - today I just feel like hiding my body and my face - but because I am unable to do any of that I am going to work. We are going to get this climate migration treaty finalized and I am not going to be bright red all day.

Jason is so angry and disgusted and I hope it's all directed at Callister. My son has plenty of reasons to be angry at me, some of them justifiable but this -

Who started this rumour? I know I have enemies. I am not thrilled about that - how many more friends would be willing to betray me; to hurt me like this?To shame my family like this?

It's true that Conrad and I were close. But he's a friend. A mentor. A big brother.

He trained me. We think the same things are important. I have told him that he's handsome. He has told me that I am beautiful. That one happened over beers with the gang in Iraq when we were about to head home and we weren't going to get showers before we arrived stateside. I was 31, a sweaty mess with sand in my clothes and frizzy dirty hair and hairy legs. I had two young girls waiting for their mommy and a husband I hadn't seen in 6 weeks and my hygiene for those six weeks was, well, not great. I felt grubby and gross and down on myself. The intel we got on that op was not worth the paper it was printed on and George, Andrew, Isabelle and I were so frustrated.

I was missing Henry and Conrad said that I had nothing wrong with me that one hot shower wouldn't fix. He was missing Lydia and Harrison something fierce and none of the other had spouses and kids at home.

I had some scrapes and bruises and felt unworthy to have anyone see me like this. Even worse - I was headed straight to my in laws place in Pittsburgh because it was Easter.

Conrad caught me trying to clean up with spit and Kleenex and he said that I was beautiful and all Henry was going to want was me safe and sound.

That's it.

Remembering that now I am transported back in time. To my arrival at the in laws. To Maureen saying I was a mess and my husband deserved better than a wife who spent her time in the sand with other men. That my daughters were scared of me.

To Henry holding me and tears on both our faces as he examined me for injuries and kissed them all better. To my mother in law laying out her best striped towel for me to shower and Henry saying he had my things from home - clean clothes and my makeup kit.

That shower left a ring around the McCord tub but Eileen said it didn't matter. That she loved me and was glad I hadn't been killed or maimed. That the bruises would heal and the sunburn would fade and that I was a hero just like her son. Sometimes Eileen made me miss my own mom. I wondered what they would have thought of Bess. My parents knew me as Lizzie, the CIA as Bess. Where does Elizabeth fit into all of this? I sometimes look in the mirror and see three people. Hell, many people. I am a daughter and a mother. A sister and a wife. A teacher and now a politician. A math major and a leader. I am Lizzie and Bess and Ma'am. Is it insane to think I can add another layer to this list? My favourite labels are Mrs McCord and Mom. I rarely get Doctor McCord- perhaps I should care about that more.

That title got me a little more pay and an office at UVA that was slightly less god awful than the cubicle I shared with Isabelle and Juliet.

But all these years later and that rumour and Henry and America thinking that I am scarlet woman. I should have spoken up after Andrada. Maybe I should have reported some of the creeps I encountered while in the field; while teaching.

But I didn't.

I never cheated on Henry. I could never.

As a woman, this kind of humiliation happens on a daily basis sometimes. Certainly more than once. My girls have suffered it some. I would give my life so that they would never have had to endure this discomfort at best and self loathing at worst.

So I am running for President, and no I did not sleep my way to the top. I did not have an affair with Conrad Dalton and I will get myself and my family through this.

Correction- Henry and I will get our family through this.

I am not alone. Me and my multiple personalities. My family -three kids whom I have burdened with so much. Will who wants to punch this reporter in the balls.

The McCords of Pittsburgh whether they like it or not. I have nieces and nephews.

Is it Ok that I want to lead this country but first I want to take it over my knee?

Well, I better go in to the office and hold my head high and not comment. Matt is going to have to deal with a stop at the bodega tonight. I require ice cream, pop corn and scotch. We will not be worrying about the fact that all of my pants are tight.

If I win maybe the next woman won't be accused of this bullshit.

Maybe.

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