Dedicated to Timeafanx and Nancy R and Kimesita for their encouragement this past week.
I have just had a busy winter and no time to write for fun. This month I had a little break so I indulged in updating some of my fics and started a new one for drabbles-
This Musing follows Elizabeth's thoughts about the period from Dec 2015 to May of 2016. Basically The Greater Good to Vartius and a touch of Sea Change.
It pairs well with the last chapter I wrote for Henry's Journal which is his perspective on what happened during the Greater Good to the Middle Way.
I hope you enjoy the dive into her thoughts.
Brenda - who reads every review and is motivated to keep writing by hearing what you think. I read Every single review. I just haven't figured out how reply to you all.
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I can't sleep so I am going to write. It's mid March 2016 and there is so much going on in my head and there is no safe place to discuss it other than here or Doctor Sherman - and well, even Dr Sherman doesn't get names and faces.
Dimitri Petrov might actually be alive.
Henry and I went to counselling because I didn't keep Conrad from selling out that young man. He's just a little older than Stevie. I sized him up in Geneva in December. The last few months would have been absolute hell for him if he was alive. I know what they do to traitors in Russia. Death is kinder. I was held once - for about nine hours in Chechnya. I was hopeful I would be rescued but I knew if it got bad enough I wouldn't be mercifully killed. They would ensure I lived long enough to regret ever having been born. Conrad and George got me out. I still haven't been able to tell Henry everything about it. He knows something happened but we were both grateful I came home.
After a few days it's merciful to hope the captured spy has been killed. Four months in that hell- that young man will not be the same.
Henry knows I didn't want to tell Maria Ostrova anything. As a former spy (because anyone who does anything outside of IT or administration work at CIA ends up working in the field at some point) well as a former spy I just condemned myself to hell for being in lockstep with Conrad.
The man could have apologized. Yeah it would have been humiliating but next to Petrov's life - we would have survived. We are America and honestly I think half the universe would like us to show a little more humility. There are other countries on this planet besides us, Russia and China. I am a patriot. We do have a wonderful democratic system here and I am proud to serve my country. However now that I am out in the world and seeing how they view us- it wouldn't kill us to be a little more humble sometimes.
Try to get men to understand that though. I love Conrad. He's an amazing leader and a good friend. But there are things he says and does that leave me gobsmacked. There have been a lot of disappointments in this job.
I have disappointed myself and I have hurt my family. It's been almost two years and I have grown to love the challenge of being Madam Secretary. I have learned so much and had incredible opportunities to help people, but much like the ocean ebbs and flows- I have my regrets.
If I can get Dimitri back - that atones a small bit for the part I played in this whole mess. I am not religious but I respect that Henry always has been. He's more a man of faith if you ask me - but I didn't grow up in the church. My parents took us occasionally but my father had issues with religion. God knows ( I say it but I don't know why) I was certainly pretty disillusioned when my parents were both killed on a cold day in November of 1983.
I really should be sleeping. The last few days were all nighters and I was terrified Henry was going to die in Pakistan. I have never had such a hard time compartmentalizing before. But who can sleep with the flurry of events in all aspects of my life as they are tonight.
Buckley, Petrov, Dean Ward, Henry, José, Avdonin, Allie. All people I have have been worried about or had a confrontation with in the last 48 hours. Every emotion felt except for bliss and happiness. I am angsty as all hell right now. I can't stop fidgeting and I need to make sure my husband is OK. I have to watch him sleep. Last night I crawled into bed with him with all my clothes on. My entire body felt like I had been hit with a dirty bomb. I was scared, my skin was crawling, I was choked with gratitude for his life and yet hadn't even been able to process how close I came to having this huge bed to myself forever. I hate PTSD.
And now he wants back into DIA.
My mom would make me drink warm milk when this happened. I would have nightmares or be in pain from a growth spurt and I I could tiptoe to her and she would take me to the kitchen and sit with me. She never punished me for the 2 am wake ups. She said if I couldn't sleep and was worried about something she wanted me to have someone to talk to while I navigated this messy business of growing up. I was in awe of her. I have the same rule for my kids.
I miss her so much. I wonder what advice she would give me tonight?
Probably to have a glass of milk and get my breathing under control and to snuggle my husband and get some sleep because tomorrow I would have to have energy to solve these problems. If these issues weren't quick fixes- I would need to chip away at them.
I will reach out to Mike B. He will know what to do next. I hate keeping things from Henry but if I get his hopes up for nothing that will be worse than what happened in Geneva. I will never forget the look of abject loss on my husbands face as I told him what had happened. He was disgusted with the decision and I knew he would be. Waiting to tell him was quite honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
We could have lost our marriage to that one decision. I have been on tenterhooks the last few months. We tried to put it aside while we dealt with the loss of Patrick, while I salvaged the trans pacific partnership agreement. While our neighbours tried to get us evicted- and I was surprised to hear how Blake and Henry messed up that brunch. Then the epic disaster of the dirty bomb. That was pure terror for me. My family at ground zero of a dirty bomb- and me disconnected from them. I could have lost my kids too. From the moment that tv went dark until I got to hear my son on the phone...I don't know how I got through that afternoon. I have never been so out of breath in my life. Not since I was 15 years old.
So the least I can do is my best to solve this mystery surrounding Dimitri. If it's true and I can bring him back - hell I will go to Russia myself if I have to. Anything to take that crease out of Henry's forehead, to put the warmth back into his eyes.
I lost Buttercup this spring too. He was an amazing horse. He saved my sanity when Henry and I almost lost ourselves back in 2005. Is this how it is - every decade or so are Henry and I going to be tested beyond anything we can handle?
Ok Lizzie. Calm down. We worked our way through the Baghdad issue. Every marriage has its dark patches. If you don't change the subject you will never sleep and you'll wake Henry and he needs the sleep. Go get the milk and change your mindset.
... down in the kitchen of the townhouse, ten minutes later.
On a more positive note everyone thought it was hilarious what happened between me and Dean Ward. Noodle says Dean Ward and I need to find a way to work together. Jason found my embarrassment totally hilarious as did Stevie - who said that I provided the comic relief she needed because Jareth was moody and distant this week. Good to know with all I do that as a mom - me totally embarrassing myself is what gets a laugh around here. Well you know what - I did step into it and Blake helped. All that matters is that my kid will get to see Hamilton this weekend and she knows I love her enough to stalk the Dean and make a fool out of myself.
I am a little concerned for Stevie Apparently big things are happening at school and Jareth might have to return to England. I hope not because I like Jareth and I like how Stevie has been acting her age and making good choices this past year - since the nudie pictures with Harrison it feels like my eldest is back on track. I hope Jareth isn't planning on breaking up with her. I want her to be happy. She's 21 and in college and bringing home great marks, and she seems to be more focused and driven this year.
I can't believe Henry and I got the little tattoo we did. I like that it is our secret and only he knows it's there. For now. If the girls don't stop barging into the bathroom when I am in there they will see. Why do kids do that? It's because parents are a captive audience in the shower or on the toilet. God I remember when they were little - I couldn't even pee in private til I started locking the door. Sometimes I am tired and want Henry to come in. These kiddos have their own bathroom. Our youngest is 14. So how come they get their tub scrubbed by the Secretary of State? Because I am a sucker that's why.
I think the milk and the journalling helped. I need to go to bed. I can get about 3 hours of sleep if I'm lucky. Thanks to Noodle's makeup tricks I can go to work looking like I slept for eight so that's a plus.
Big day tomorrow. Going to go for a run with Mike B and reach out to Anton.
This Saturday I refuse to clean the kids bathroom. I will buy them pizza and watch a movie with them but no more tub scrubbing mom.
... a few weeks later...
It's been a whirlwind spring.
We got Dimitri back and Henry is calm again. He told me he can look at me again and selfishly that means a lot.
I know nothing can take back what we did for the "Greater Good". I know that Dimitri suffered mightily. His intelligence kept us from what could have been nuclear war and for that American owes him more than we can ever repay. I spoke with him, as did Conrad- and he's in witness protection now. It's all we can do.
Henry and I wrangled a couple of other parental crises, the biggest of which was keeping Stephanie and Jareth from getting married because they were afraid their relationship couldn't handle the stress of going long distance. I want my daughter to be happy but a shotgun wedding was doomed to be a disaster. Henry and I did have a chance to reminisce a little and again, selfishly, that helped us close our circle of two. Dr Sherman is proud of our progress and so are we.
We made it back to the farm and spent time cleaning up the barn and the property. We decided not to get rid of it. We will need a place to retire and we still have four horses that need us. Mitch goes out there a few times a week and gets everyone exercised and we committed to one weekend a month to stay true to our roots.
I am going to need that as I send my eldest to England for what could be forever, my noodle is finishing her junior year - I have been recruited to "help" at the spring fair at Westmore. I am afraid of what Felicia Ward is going to ask me to do but I have been through plenty of awkward and humiliating events before and if this woman wants to stick me with the dunk tank or slime me - I can be a good sport about it all. I expect the worst from the fascist Quaker for all the trouble we have had the last two years. I own my part in that. Alison has one more year and then she'll be off to college. My heart can't take it right now journal. My two girls out the door and our proud little anarchist got himself a summer job this year. He's almost fifteen. Where did the time go?
They have started cleaning their bathroom. It's not amazing but at least the board of health isn't coming to declare it a hazardous waste threat.
Somehow I found time to help Jason with a huge science project. We bonded over my ability to pack away more food than a football team. This summer he wants work on his basket ball skills to see if he can make that team next year and this is a plan I approve of. I like to shoot hoops. We made sure Alison's seventeenth birthday was extra special to make up for the horror show that was her sixteenth. We had a family dinner with all the McCords and Adams we could fit into the house and had the laffy string war to end all laffy string wars. I am still finding laffy string in the couch and in the corners. We bought her a sewing machine for her fashion design life and Stevie and Jason bought out the makeup counter at Sephora. That girl has more fabric, accessories and art supplies than a Micheals, but the most important thing is we have reframed that day to be about her and not about her mom nearly getting killed in Iran. She loved Hamilton and we are going as a family next week. I do like the soundtrack. The kids say it's nice to listen to something other than Peter Frampton and the Beatles and Henry and I copped to that. I need to make some new playlists and torture these kids with good music from the 60s to the 80's.
I can shut them all up by threatening to sing. Who knew that was a superpower? Do your history homework or Mom will sing...
Stevie and I went to the Kennedy Center to see Uncle Vanya and then we went to a McDonald's drive thru and pigged out on Big Macs and fries. In our fancy clothes. Because that's how we do things on Team McCord. I have taught her well. French fries are the staff of life. She is still talking about law school so I will need to find a side job to pay for that. Henry will have to write a bestseller for the secular world. Watch out Harlan Coben.
I had some cold terror about job security. For a few days in the middle of all this Dimitri stuff - it looked like Conrad was going to dump me as Secretary of State. Turns out Mike B gave me a heart attack for nothing, I am now looking at becoming the first female Vice President of this country.
It's exciting but it will mean a move for us to the Naval Observatory and a complete job change for me and for Henry. For now I am going to do the fair circuit this summer.
My PTSD isn't made better by staying here in DC with all the sharks, but Henry says we are all good swimmers. So that's good news I suppose. I have got the panic mostly managed. I journal a lot. Upside if I ever want to write a memoir, everything is documented. I have whale sounds on my IPad and I have a membership at Costco solely so I can buy gallon sized bottles of Tums.
On the whole, my life is an adventure and I am affecting change in the world. I can only hope to be making the good kind of history. Back when my parents died I had no idea how I would even make it through the next moments. It's been over thirty years and I can only hope that wherever they are, they are at peace and they are proud of who I am and what I am trying to do with my life.
I hope they know how my story turns out because I have no idea. I want to end up back on the farm with Henry and have the grandchildren come to visit on Sundays. I want an old Ford thunderbird that I can tinker with and then take out and drive in the sun as fast as I can get away with.
That's my dream. Having Jason bail me out of some county jail for speeding on an old country road.
For now - we seem to be back on track and with that security I can handle this summer. We will go visit Stevie for a week in July and spend some time on the farm and maybe, maybe I can bond with the other horses. Conrad says we are welcome for a weekend at the vineyard so I suppose that means Lydia Dalton has forgiven me for the disaster of "Starissson".
Henry and I have decided that we will spend more time together revisiting our passions. We love hiking, going to concerts and for burgers and bowling. We also need to make sure we are getting time to be intimate at least once a week.
Well journal I think I have drained this pen.
I have completed my second year in this job and the McCords are still intact. I guess we will see what running for VP is about.
There was a huge storm and our base in Bahrain was hit hard. Russell has informed me that I have to charm some big name donors. This is the part of my job I dislike but I can work with it. For starters this administration needs to recognize that climate change exists.
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