Bess reflecting on events from s5.7 Baby Steps. Very stream of consciousness because she is journalling and she's tired. I did this in purpose. There are many memories in here from S1 and talk of what's to come.
More to come with the staffers in future chapters and also in my other story Funny How Life Goes On.
Dedicated to my dear friend Nancy R who has been feeling sick lately.
I love writing, wish I had more time for it and of course the only profit for me comes in reviews. To be Barbara Hall would be an amazing thing. Happy weekend all.
Brenda
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Every now and again I make a bad call. It happens. We are all humans and messing up is part of the deal. I have been told I handle awkward well.
That's good I suppose but it doesn't feel less embarrassing or less frustrating.
Teresa Hurst played me and as Jay didn't say until I pushed him- I shouldn't have trusted her. He admired that I had the heart to do so, but it's my Achilles heel. That's fair. It was not fun getting scolded by Conrad in front of Henry. Thankfully Henry isn't one to rub things in nor does he give me any pity. When we work together we are co workers. It's why Conrad trusts us and why we did well at UVA. Now, we aren't 100 percent perfect at this but when a problem arises - we have a conversation and work it out. I listen when he disagrees with me. Neither one of us is right all the time.
Over the years I have come to trust my chief of staff who was once the policy advisor I wasn't sure about. I almost fired him a few times...
Part of the reason why I didn't is because he got so deep under my skin and his words and passion stayed with me. I know from experience that anytime I feel like this it means there is a relationship to be attempted. Today they call it a work wife or work husband. Henry is fine with me working closely with Jay. It can get awkward when we start talking about who's got bad breath or who needs to go home and grab a shower but when you sit that close to someone for that many hours in a day - it happens. Jay knows so much about my kids and I feel like could raise Chloe without missing a beat.
Call me crazy but that's why I foster these partnerships. Both parties hold one another in check and we grow (even if it's painful) to build something strong and ambitious and beautiful. So Jay and I have worked very closely together and fought vigourously and we have a vibe bow where we get things done. His conscience informs mine and he says I do the same for him.
We have both been through it these past five years. If I make it to the White House I want Whitman as my wing man.
Conrad is my mentor. He's flawed too. I sometimes feel like he manipulates me. Washington has affected him. Russell too. I was naive when I started this job and I quickly realized that Conrad wanted me to be someone whom he could trust but also someone he could get to do some dirty work. When I didn't comply or I was green - I got my ass handed to me and I did have a lot of self doubt and even some tears after those first days as a newbie.
I came home and went to the bathroom and took a shower and sobbed. Henry could tell but he knew and respected me enough to let me find my way. In some ways it's like riding a new horse. Lots of falls, bumps and bruises. Then you find your way and it's as if you and the horse are one.
That first year was rough. I surprised myself with some of the risks I took. If I had to go back and think about it I might have been more hesitant. I suppose I came from a place of "Conrad wants me to do what only I can do and if I flame out- it was a great experiment to begin with. However somewhere along the way I found my groove. I can now say that I am proud of what I have accomplished. I feel like I am ready to run with the big dogs- hell to lead the big dogs. Jesus I think I am quoting Russell Jackson. Run- save yourselves. Perhaps I am certifiable but I feel like I am the right mix of badass and crazypants for this job.
No woman has been in a higher position than Secretary of State in the US system. When I consider what that means, what becoming the first female POTUS could mean and how that story will be as huge as any of the work I get accomplished simply because I have built these relationships... I need scotch. The world needs a first and let's just say little Lizzie Adams never dreamed this was possible.
I know Henry worries about how this will affect me, and our family as we campaign and regardless of the outcome we will have some interesting issues ahead.
Much more than we have had previously. What I love about my husband is his incredible capacity to grow roots in the soil where he finds himself. He supports me and our kids in his imperfectly perfect manner. He's a compass for me. I always care what he thinks and I find him so honourable and capable and extraordinarily willing to be my rock. Our sexual attraction is strong and he's not put off by my masculine energy or my awkward turns at self discovery.
Without the sex part Jay does this admirably well at the office. I am fortunate to have found such a worthy staffer.
They have all been pretty amazing. Blake is the reason America and the world thinks I am a functioning human. Without him I am likely to show up everywhere with toilet paper on my shoe and my hair rumpled. I have always needed a Blake (I should look into whether I have adult ADHD) and that might explain a lot about my whole life to be honest.
Daisy and I butt heads because she's always about the optics. I fought with her at first because I know she's more traditional than I am and I was always causing awkward news stories when I started. Marsh May have been a disaster since he went rogue - but he gave the government and America some solid mashed potatoes and meatloaf every day. I can't fault Daisy for wanting to cross the t's of our image in the press. I did keep Stevie a bit of a mystery, the kids were a bit of a pain and I yelled at her a few times.
We have found a trust and a way to work together and she's proud to help me any way she can. She's also ready to protect me from bad press. I appreciate her friendship and that I have become a role model for her in work and in motherhood. I mentor my staff as I work and as daunting as this can seem - I am about fifteen or twenty years older than some of them. I have to remember that.
I used to chuckle about how cute it was that she and Matt Mahoney were trying to hide their attraction to one another and even though they aren't together now- I have a feeling that they will find one another again when the time is right and they grow up a little bit more. For now they co parent a dog and argue about everything and I know it can interrupt our productivity, but the human kinetics in our office make us a family and I am in love with that.
Mahoney is a dork. I say that with love and I remind myself that Henry and I are both dorks. (Him more so than me- but I suppose pointing that out sort of confirms my dorkiness). Matt was a sickly kid and raised in a very interesting home - half Muslim and half Irish Catholic. He's sweet and a little patriarchal and seems to be going through puberty but has the ability to find the best way to write remarks I am proud to give. He also doesn't give me a lot of attitude when I go off script. We butted heads about that in my first year - when I went off book regarding the Republic of West Africa. That was a rough week. I was in Dutch with everyone and it was all Henry and Father Laurent's fault!
I came to an understanding with Matt and we do have a smooth relationship now. If I need help writing my book ( I don't want to write a book) I will go with Matt. For some of it anyway. Mike B will turn purple and that's always a bit fun for me.
I miss Nadine. She was intimidating my first few weeks but once I wasn't brand new and some blonde Conrad stuck in this office to make him look good. She made some terrible choices when it came to Marsh but I get how love can make you insane. I wasn't always level headed when it came to Henry and when I look back at some of my stunts and my jealousy and insecurity- who was I to judge Nadine? As it turned out she was a phenomenal woman with a strength to keep me focused and doing my job while keeping everyone else on point and doing their job effectively. The ultimate HR person next to Russell and when they two of them were locking horns I felt like a kid watching Mom and Dad in an epic battle. The penultimate was UNGA just over a year ago. I gave myself a migraine watching them argue about my choice to "throw a patriotic temper tantrum" as Russell Jackson had the gall to say. I speak to her from time to time and once I get out of this place in my life she's someone I want to go out to dinner with. I appreciated her candour and her skill when it came to keeping my office running well. I may be the boss but I need female role models too. I was the big sister. I was the only girl Adams of my generation and I helped take care of a couple little female cousins and friends. Having a strong woman to listen to after my mom died was a fleeting thing. Aunt Joan was a supervisor but not ready to be a mom. It was why she could take us - she had no kids of her own and that's a story for another day. Now that I am over fifty I can appreciate what it would take to have two traumatized teenagers thrust into your life.
That's another story too. Journal - writing in you is worse sometimes than writing those punishment sentences we got as kids. I do enjoy writing ( but I don't want to write a memoir) and Dr Sherman says it's healthy but crap does it make my hand cramp.
Laughing at myself remembering getting into trouble in grade one after Mrs Shaheen found me fighting with Mikey Finn for spying on my spelling words again. She had told me to cover my paper and mind my own business. Little Lizzie Adams had a temper and Mikey was a cheater and my stern words weren't stopping him. I didn't like Mrs Shaheen very much and had told my parents about it - they said she was a great teacher and I needed to learn to listen to people I didn't like sometimes. I was a stubborn little scrapper though and it was; according to dad- that he had been raising me as a boy - albeit subconsciously. Anyhow I had to stay after school and write on a paper "Fighting is not appropriate " about a million times. (Probably like 50 times but to 7 year old me it was a million). I was so cheesed off. My dad took me for a walk to the woodshed too. We had a talk afterwards. About how I was a girl and how fighting wasn't lady like and more importantly how I would get a reputation as a person with no self discipline. That part I did take to heart. They made me apologize to Mikey and to Mrs Shaheen and while I was bristling inside - Mrs. Shaheen did let me trade desks with Emily Macklemore and that was the end of Mikey cheating off of me.
My parents punished us but they also talked to us. Ahh discipline in the 70's. That was something Henry and I tried to get right. Our parents did their best and we did ours. We learned that spanking was not the best way to handle misbehaving kids and having been spanked, I agreed. It was the talking and thinking and modelling good behaviour- the accountability for my actions that shaped me. Spankings just hurt. Henry and I did the time out and grounding thing but we may have screwed that up too - poor Jason has been grounded so many times in the last three years and I honestly don't know if it did anything except make him want to murder us in our sleep.
I guess at the end of the day if we love our families and turn out to be educated, kind, growing humans - that's the goal. I don't hate my parents. I wasn't abused. It was how parents handled things in my time. I didn't get it very often so it did leave an impression. I know some families relied on it for humiliation and they strapped their children all the time. Not in the Adams house. Anyhow - there I go journal, off on a tangent. Back in focus Lizzie. I loved my parents and would give my right arm to go for a walk in the woods with my dad. He used to take me fishing and hunting and camping and I will never forget the skills I learned with my family. They weren't perfect but we were loved. They spent too much time fretting about Will but I understand it now that I have three incredibly different children of my own and have been told off by my middle daughter about doing this exact same thing to her.
That was a knife to the heart and I hope she feels cherished. I hope all three of them know that. My job is hard and I missed a lot. It's always Henry's point that I am showing them how important it is to serve and to be passionate about your work. He says that's more valuable than making popcorn for sleepovers and I choose to believe him as often as I can.
Hindsight is always 20/20 as the old trope tells us. I am supposed to be one of the people who sees ahead with clarity and looks at the big picture. Parenting and politics. It's all hard. The politics is brutal. I remember a few months back I had to get angry at Jay and Kat because they compromised our position with Turkey and Abkhazia. I wanted to support their play with my whole heart but they misse L's something vital and they got played.
Today I am the one who lost sight of things in order to help another woman who came to me searching for assistance. A few weeks ago I helped a woman get the legal help she needed. This week- I helped the Vice President, because I am a sucker for the kid stuff- I do believe in surrogacy and would do anything to help my kids have kids. Teresa knew just where to find my soul and I think some little part of me was hoping to make nice with her because it has been a rocky relationship between us.
So I deserved the look from Jay and the scolding and I can accept that. I am sure as President this will happen from time to time. I will have to deliver these to my secretaries and co workers. I hope I never make them feel shame- I hope I can be objective and be inspiring. I will admit I worry about myself and handling that job. I worry about how it will impact my family. Not just Henry and the kids but also Will, Sophie and Annie; and Maureen and all those McCord cousins. What will Thanksgiving look like when I can't go to Pittsburgh and everyone has to come to DC or Camp David? Maureen is going to roast me at every turn. That's nothing new. I don't punch people to solve my problems anymore ( OK once in college but that's because she was putting moves on Henry and I was a little tipsy!).
But awkward is never fun. Teresa has used up her chances with me. That's twice she's made my job difficult and made me look foolish in front of others.
Oof. This reminds me of the time Mike B came to remind me that I should have fired all of my staff over the public humiliation of the micro loans scandal. That guy is Will times infinity and he's usually right. Which is why I put up with the insults, insubordination and challenges that friendship brings to my life.
I did. I wanted to fire them all and quit and move to the farm and hide. I didn't do that though and my staff pulled through. We all learned something and my staff gelled after that fiasco. They were genuinely worried when I was missing in Iran. That was an awful few days. I miss Zahed Javani, and the loss of Fred Cole will stay with me forever. It traumatized my family and I rarely talk about it but I was pretty scared I wasn't coming home. Either I would die, or worse I could have been held prisoner for a while. The idea of being locked up in that part of the world by people who hate me. It still comes at me in nightmares that I don't talk about.
We worked it out and I came home with panic attacks and a scar on my back. Henry will rub it and then hug me and say something wonderful about how much he loves me. We don't speak about those days; just as we don't speak about the horror that happened when I had to stand with Conrad and give up Dimitri to Ostrava. I really should have fought POTUS on that and one day I will have to answer for my mistakes. Or maybe me being sincerely sorry and trying to change things is how I grab those babies off of boats. I remember Neal Shin coming to see me last spring and how that brought up many of my old ghosts. Dr Sherman says we all have them.
I think anyone who gets to be 50 and has served their country is going to have these inner scars.
Well I am going to find some of our 2% milk and have a couple of the cookies that Maggie made. Jay said I deserved the whole batch after the week I had and who am I to turn down Maggie's grandma's recipe? I can tell I have been rambling and this is all stream of consciousness and damn this is why I don't want to write a memoir. I am stress eating those cookies because I have my physical on Friday and I hate those things. Ever since I took this job it's been issues. Panic management, early menopause, weight gain from the pastries and the sitting. The Fitbit I got last Christmas and don't love. My body and mind need to be healthy because I am important to America and Americans care if I am fat, sad and have blotchy skin.
So Friday I will sit through another lecture from my doctor about how I need to take care of myself and when I get all warm and itchy I eat my feelings and become glib. I
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