A/N: I don't own Teen Titans. In addition, this is not meant to be discrimination but rather politically incorrect. Inspired by Just Sagan's Tommy Wizard Tard, SML's Jeffy, AlphaOmegaSin's Bat-Derp and South Park's Jimmy and Timmy.
TARD TITANS GO!
(Jump City)
Having lost to Johnny Depp, Mera from Aquaman had to drive the Tard Titans in their Short bus.
The Tard Titans kept kicking and screaming in said worn-out bus. With permanent bowel stains, damage, empty cartons of food, scratched children's music CDs and housing the most dangerous Tard characters ever, the Tard Titan short bus was a death sentence job.
"Attention Justice League: The Remnants of H.I.V.E FIVE…..dumb name…..have joined the Brotherhood of Evil and are robbing banks. Everyone besides Mera join cuz she's a bed-pooping Feminazi." Laughed Superman on the voice chat.
She pulls over when a bunch of tweakers pop up, promising her money for unprotected sex.
Either that or jump off a very high bridge into water which would be like jumping into concrete.
"I hate my life." She leaves the Tard Titans to have sex with the diseased tweakers for a whole dollar in pennies.
By doing this, she abandoned the Tard Titans to fend for themselves.
"Teen Titan Tards, the tardy keys are still in the tardy ignition, TARD TITANS GO!" Said Tard Robin taking the wheel.
[Tard Titans Theme Song]
[Verse 1]
"When there's trouble, you know who to call (Tard Titans!)
From their Short-Bus, they can see it all (Tard Titans!)
When there's Evil on the Attack
You can't rest knowing they Pooped their Backs,
'Cause when CN needs Special Heroes on Patrol
Tard Titans, go!"
The Tard Titans escape from the Titans Short-Bus, their lower backs have poop stains from their freshly soiled adult diapers, and wore Trademarked Tard Titans bicycle helmets.
Earlier, each one had bumped their heads on an IKEA coffee table, most likely trying to retrieve a toy from under it.
Their heads having made contact with the table resulted in each Titan crying for an eternity until the pain went away, hence the helmets.
Although the Titans were each 18 years of age, they were like adult kindergarteners, with superpowers and dangerous gadgets.
The robbers are bewildered and as evil as they are, they didn't wish to harm their specially gifted adversaries.
"Shit, nobody said anything about the Titans being special!" Said Billy Numerous.
"Look let's just return the goods we stole, the higher-ups will understand!" Said See-More.
"I'M JUST LIKE BATMAN! TAKE THIS DOUCHE-BAG!" Said Robin as he flung a Bat-a-Rang into See-more's Visor.
"AAAAHHH I'M BLIND AND SCARED OF THE DARK!" Screamed See-More as he fell and rolled around trying to grab onto stuff as the darkness engulfed him.
Billy numerous multiplied into 12 copies and surrounded Robin, gesturing, "Look, we don't wan't trouble…."
Tard Robin spun around like Taz the Tasmanian Devil, spewing gibberish tongue raspberry noises, while flinging a dozen Bat-a-Rangs at the 12 Billy Numerous's in their crotches.
"AAAAH! OH HO HO HO HO!" They screamed; fell to their knees, holding their stabbed groins, hyperventilating and bawling their eyes out.
Just then, the Bat-a-Rangs exploded, killing See-More and the Billy Numerous's with his clones, sending chunks of human remains everywhere.
"Yay those assholes turned into FUCKING fireworks!" Robin started making firework sounds with his mouth and lips.
Raven shows up, hovers over and eats a candy bar from one of the dead thieves.
"YAY GOODBYE CELARY W/ PEANUT BUTTER AND HELLO SUGAR! AH HA HA HA! FOR ONCE I'M HAPPY!" She flies into the store and grabs two handfuls of candy. Normally she'd store things in her adult diaper, but since she didn't want to get any pee or poo on them, she stored the candy in her rather endowed cleavage instead.
Psimon shows up with Kyd Wykkyd and Angel.
In typical French doctrine, Psimon tries to surrender saying "Please Special Raven, if you let us go I'll send you a land of sunshine and happi….."
"Fuck you and your sunshine with happiness BOOMER!"
Raven uses her dark Magic to send Kyd Wykkyd and Angel blasting off like Team Rocket, and while Angel could fly, her wings were no match for Raven's Black Tard Magic as they collided with a mountain, creating silhouette craters.
Then Tard Raven creates a moving wall that pushes Psimon through a city block, crashing into a small building and crushes him like a cockroach.
Raven then eats more candy as she walks past the city block she destroyed.
Beastboy starts barking like a dog.
"I'm a Doggy! ARF ARF WOOF WOOF!"
Being able to somewhat transform his head to the point of looking like a costume, Beastboy then proceeds to pee on a garden bed as if he's a furry from Rainfurrest. He pisses all over the flowers while standing on one leg like a wild animal.
Mammoth shows up, but realizes whom he's up against.
"Look I don't want to harm you." He said backing away.
"TAG YOU'RE IT!" Beastboy turned into a freaking Rhino and chased Mammoth.
Despite running for dear life, Mammoth was "tagged" by Beastboy, and by "tagged", the future coronary report would read, "Forcefully fornicated by a rhino horn then disemboweled by said rhino horn via his virgin butthole."
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Mammoth screamed in blood curdling pain and murder.
On his hind legs, TaRD Beastboy started rotating his head along with his horn, and like a cork screw but with a Rhino horn, destroyed Mammoth's insides as the latter cried like a blood drenched fountain.
"THE MAMMOTH ON MY HORN SPINS ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, THE MAMMOTH ON MY HORN SPINS ROUND AND ROUND, ALL THROUGH THE TOWN!" Sung Tard Titan BeastBoy as Mammoth was sent flying, several of his organs still on Beastboy's Rhino Horn as he crashed.
His final moments, without most of his organs, Mammoth weeps while bleeding out, as if he had dropped the soap in prison.
[Verse 2]
"With their Super-Sensories, they unite (Tard Titans!)
Never met a Nanny that they liked (Tard Titans!)
They've got the Psychiatrists on the run
They never stop 'til the Tendies are done,
'Cause when the world is losing all control
Tard Titans, go!
Tard Titans, go!"
Starfire is all giddy and says, "Hey look what Starfire can do!"
While she looked the most innocent, Starfire had a severe case of pyromania.
Punk Rock is leaving the hospital, his family and friends congratulate him for successfully completing Rehab.
"Groovy! I'm 110% Sober and have turned my life around! Things are looking up!"
Starfire then fires a green fire bolt that sets the nearby hospital ablaze as all Hell breaks loose.
"Cool! Starfire made Fire! Yippy Fire, fire, fire, Fire, fire, FIRE, FIRE, FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!" Like she's Beavis from Beavis and Butthead.
People are burning alive including Punk Rock who screams "WWWWHHHHHHYYYYY?! I JUST GOT CLEANED!"
"Oh, because the kind Leprechaun on that stump over there told me to!" She points to a stump, sans Leprechaun, smiled again while burning the survivors with her green laser vision including Punk Rock, showing no mercy.
Was there actually a Leprechaun? In Tard Starfire's head then yes.
Punk Rock is scorched and can only be identified by dental Records.
Cyborg happened to be nearby minding his own business, as if he was in his own world or something, a gentle giant kinda like Lenny from "Of Mice and Men" only he was black and half robot.
"Cyborg love incoming trucks and cars Vrrooooom!" He giggled with child-like innocence.
Several ambulances, firetrucks and an S.W.A.T team arrive, alarms blaring, startling the shit out of Cyborg.
"Loud noises scare Cyborg WAAAAAAH!" Cyborg cries and using his arm cannon, fires a dozen sonic booms at the vehicles destroying them and killing the people inside like he's playing Grand Theft Auto.
Cyborg's crying continues and his nose is all runny with both snot and transmission fluid.
"Look we didn't know they were Tards…..I didn't mean that! Please give me permission to pull back and we can get more money via the Deep Web and coin!" Begged Gizmo with his robo spider legs on a communicator.
"SPIDER SCARY REEEEEEE!" Cyborg keeps shooting Gizmo like a special gangsta.
Gizmo tries crawling away but a bawling Cyborg runs up and curb stomps him, reverse American History X style.
"Now I got my Robo- feet all sticky! Cyborg in trouble! Cyborg's a BAD Cyborg! WAAAAAAAAH!" He cries louder.
Raven shows up near the burning hospital, her top appears to be leaking.
"Aw the fire is melting Raven's candy." She tries to retrieve some white chocolate from her cleavage but it's all melted.
As if the situation couldn't get any more out of hand, Raven tears her top off, freeing her chocolate-covered breasts, cups them and starts licking off the melted chocolate.
"Mmmmmmm Thanks Boing-Boings for saving my chocolate!" Raven beamed as she continued to suck, squeeze and play with her tits or as she calls them, "Boing-Boings."
[Bridge]
"If your skin's white or black, you better watch out
You cannot escape it's very hard
When they bite you, there won't be any doubt
You've been bitten by the Tards
Bitten by the Tards
T-a-r-d-s! T-i-t-a-n-s! Tard Titans! Let's go!
T-a-r-d-s! T-i-t-a-n-s! Tard Titans! Let's go!
T-a-r-d-s! T-i-t-a-n-s! Tard Titans! Let's go!
T-a-r-d-s! T-i-t-a-n-s! Tard Titans! Let's go!"
Amidst the chaos, the Justice League finally arrives.
Superman uses his Ice breath to stop the flames. He chose to save the people, instead of having to deal with the Tard Titans himself.
"Robin Enough!" Batman grabs a kicking and screaming Robin then drags him to the Batmobile.
"The Revolution will be televised with Tendies!" Said the Rebellious Robin as Batman buckles him into his Batmobile car-seat.
Hawk Woman had to use her Mace to knock Starfire the fuck out.
"When we get back you are going to write, "I will not cause wild fires." 100 times Starfire!" Roared Hawk Woman.
"She's on Fire fire fire FIRE….." Starfire Sung the song that everyone thinks is from GTA Vice City when it's actually from GTA: III.
"Cyborg sorry Green Lantern!" Cried Cyborg.
"Damn Son, here." Green Lantern gives Cyborg some headphones and plays some Thomas the Tank Engine music as it always calms him down.
Cyborg's hyperventilating slowed down as he closed his eyes and hummed the Thomas and Friends music, as Green Lantern transported Cyborg in a green dome from his ring.
Flash is then seen scrubbing BeastBoy's mouth with a huge brush and toothpaste.
"Dude, why would you eat your own crap?"
"I saw another dog do it so I tried to be like a Doggy!"
"Beast Boy if you saw Furries wearing poopy diapers on their heads, would you do that to?" Asked The Flash.
"No! I'm no longer a doggy or a furry, I'm Beastboy and my mouth is all poopy! Waaaaaah!"
"Look I'm trying Beastboy but this is the only Vegan-friendly toothpaste I could find." Said Flash, he really regretted volunteering to help Beastboy.
"WAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cried a voice.
"Huh? Who Dat?" Asked Tard Raven.
As Tard Raven approached, she saw a girl with Pink Hair, Goth clothes but also had a diaper, retainer and a Goth bicycle helmet crying to herself.
"Hey who you are, and why so Cry?" Asked Tard Raven.
"I'm Jinx. Mammoth, Gizmo and all these other H.I.V.E people are dead, I'm all alone! WAAAAAAAAHHHH!" She cried more.
"Aw poor Lil Jinx." Said Raven.
"Huh? Why you Half-Nakie?" Asked Jinx.
"Oh, top clothies trigger my Super-Sensories, and make my Boing Boings unhappy."
"Okay, but…..where I come F'wom…..everyone calls me R'weetard."
Raven was pissed.
"What assholes would do that?! Using the hard R?!" Demanded Raven.
"The guys you just killed, they were all "Nobodyu loves you and No one wants 2 be ur f'wiend!" As Poopy as they were, they were right….everyone hates me!" Jinx cried even more.
"Jinx that is the biggest Presidential Ad Lie I've ever heard anyone say about you." Said Raven.
"Sniffle…..how?"
"Cuz I wanna be your friend."
"Really? Yay Jinx has new f'wiend! Da ha ha ha ha!" They hug in a rather wholesome way.
"SWEET ILLEGITIMATE MOTHER OF HERCULES!" Said Wonder Woman.
"Hi Ms. Diana, I show everyone my Boing-Boings and they love me! I'm a star!" She rubs melted white chocolate all over her tits; her nipples looked like chocolate chips, and poses for the Heterosexual fanboys and Homosexual/Bisexual fangirls.
"Raven that's not lady-like….who is this?" Asked WW.
"My new friend Jinx." Said Raven.
"High de'r Ms. Warrior Lady, my name is Jiiiinx." Some accidental spit gets on Wonder Woman.
"Dress appropriately this instant!" Said Wonder Woman.
"No! Clothing triggers my sensory issues!" R'EEEEEED Raven.
Raven then tears all her clothes off, uses them to wipe her ass, free-shoots them into a trash bin and continues showing her body, proving that no matter which universe, Raven in general has a hard time staying clothed.
"EEK!" Said Wonder Woman.
"Hey Raven are my Boing Boings tiny?" Asked Jinx lifting her top up.
"See what you did?!" Asked WW.
"Aw they aren't tiny, they're fun-sized." Said Raven.
"Tee hee thanks! I'ma call em fun bags!" Blushed Jinx.
Wonder Woman grabs the naked Raven but despite using all of her Amazonian strength, The Emo chick still puts up a fight.
"You are going to cover up right now!" Said Wonder Woman.
"Na Uh Wonder Bimbo; MY BODY, MY BOING-BOINGS!" Said Raven.
"Calling them Boing-Boings is Sexist!" Said Wonder Woman.
"RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" Screamed Raven.
"I am not Raping You!" Roared Wonder Woman.
"Gimmie back my F'wiend!" Jinx makes structures fall behind Wonder Woman and onto her invisible jet, crushing it.
"You little shit!" Wonder Woman kicks a small rock and it hit's Jinx's cheek, causing her to fall backwards and land on her tush.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SHE HURT MY FACE AND MY BUTT! BUT MAINLY MY BUTT! WAAAAAAAAAAH!" Jinx cries all anime style.
Wonder Woman struggles to handle both Raven and a sobbing Jinx back to the nearest transport to the Justice League station.
Everyone booed as Wonder Woman took away Raven and the crying Jinx.
(League Headquarters)
The Justice League put the Tard Titans in Timeout at their space Station.
Robin's Room is a padded cell with a racecar bed cuz he's still a man-child at heart.
"Robin eat your green beans." Batman ordered Robin, trying to feed him green beans.
"But I hate green beans they're shitty!" Said Robin in a strait jacket.
"EAT THE DAMN GREEN BEANS!" Demanded Batman.
Robin defiantly closes his mouth but Batman pinches Robin's nose to so when Robin opens his mouth to breathe, Batman force-feeds him the green beans.
Beastboy's room is an animal paddock designed for multiple types of animals cuz his transformations are random as all Hell.
"My tummy hurts…." He turns into a hippo and shits all over the place.
Flash enters the room to clean it.
"Don't worry Flash, It won't be that bad Flash, it'll be quick Flash, you'll be done before you smell anything Flash, lazy jerkoffs." Muttered Flash.
Starfire's room is fireproof after she burned down most of the base in her previous temper tantrum meltdown, because Hawk Woman wouldn't let her watch Sailor Moon episodes were Sailor Mars was present.
(Brief Recap)
Starfire watches Sailor Moon, Hawk Woman just so happens to be walking by and checks on her.
"Only Toonami." Said TOM as the show came back.
"No way! Someone as young and pretty as this has to live a long life! She owes it to the world!" Said Sailor Moon.
"Who are you talking about Sailor Moon?" Asked Sailor Mars.
"Me, of course. I'm easily the prettiest of the three." Claimed Sailor Moon.
"Ah! And what's your best feature?" Asked Sailor Mars.
"My face, just check out this beautiful nose." Explained Sailor Moon.
"[laughing] I've seen gorillas at the zoo that are prettier than you are!" Laughed Sailor Mars.
"Aw! How dare you!" Cried Sailor Moon.
"Ah ha, Sailor Mars owned Sailor Moon!" Laughed Tard Starfire.
"That wasn't nice, I don't think Sailor Mars is a good influence."
"But she's Starfire's favorite." Begged Starfire.
"No buts Starfire, you can keep watching Sailor Moon but No more episodes with Sailor Mars young Lady." Said Hawk Woman.
Like a total Karen, Hawk Woman set a parental lock on all the episodes that featured Sailor Mars.
"And no more Tendies." She gives Starfire a plate full of Brussel sprouts.
"GIMMIE SAILOR MARS AND TENDIES! GIMMIE SAILOR MARS AND TENDIES! GIMMIE SAILOR MARS AND TENDIES WAAAAAH!" cried a Chibi Starfire.
Starfire cries lava and flames all over the place. The ruptured windows sucked people inside the Justice League HQ into the vacuum of space, killing 50 heroes, 25 guards and a dozen guests before the safety steel-window doors sealed the breach.
(End Recap.)
Raven crying as she sat in a cell full of My Little Ponies.
"I'm Twilight Sparkle." Said Twilight on the TV.
"Twilight okay but I like Trixie!" Even though both Raven and Twilight Sparkle have the same voice.
Cyborg locked in an Amish themed Cell.
"Where's Weird Al Yankovic and Amish Paradise?" Asked Cyborg.
"Sorry Cy little buddy, until you learned your lesson, you gotta live like them Amish folk." Said Green Lantern.
Cyborg has a barely audible yet continuous, single note cry from his Amish room.
Jinx is placed is a regular cell but with a TV playing Hallmark movies.
"All these icky movies are the same, LAZY-ASS BULLSHIT BY UNCREATIVE SJW COCKSUCKERS!" She roared through her retainer.
[Instrumental]
[Verse 3]
"When there's Tendies, you know who to call (Tard Titans!)
From their tantrums, they can cry it all (Tard Titans!)
When they're locked in their adult play-pack
You fear that they will soon be back.
'Cause when they use up all their Adderall,
Tard Titans, go!
Tard Titans, go!"
[Outro] "One, two, three, four, go!
Tard Titans!"
"Huh? My bad luck powers broke the lock? Gotta save my new f'wiends, but first." She cracks her knuckles and gets to work.
(Later)
"Goddamn Titans broke out!" Said Green Lantern all Black.
"They stole all the Tendies!" Said Flash.
"They stole an experimental Martian ship." Said Martian Manhunter.
"They stole all my clothes and towels as I was showering; I'm Naked, Pissed and Dripping Wet!" Roared A blushing Wonder Woman.
"Hubba Hubba….." Said Flash.
She kicks his Nuts.
"AAAAAHHHHH I'M BLEEDING!" Said Flash.
"Diana I know you're upset but you can't ballbust Flash…" Said Hawk Woman.
"I'M TOO PISSED TO GIVE A FUCK!" Said Wonder Woman.
"That ship had Kryptonian-proof stealth, a Kryptonian arsenal and a shield powered by Kryptonite." Said Superman.
"And it's now in the hands of the Tard Titans." Batman face palmed, he was too old for this shit.
The ship flies towards the reader and freeze frame. Robin is driving with his drooling mouth open as he chugs a bunch of prescribed meds all at once. A glitchy Cyborg playing with his toy choo-choo named Thomas. Starfire trying to light a huge box of matches on fire since she loves fire. Raven dry humping an armrest cuz it makes her feel happy. Beastboy is pressing his face against the window trying to howl at the passing moon from his seat. And Jinx wearing Wonder Woman's stolen clothes.
The credits roll with highlights from today's story.
(Post credit scene)
"Master Slade, I have heard about the failed Heist, should I plan a second attempt." Said a shadowed figure.
"That won't be necessary, tend to Angel and Kyd Wyykyd in the medical bay, Blackfire." Said Slade.
"Yes Master Slade, thank you for accepting me." She flies to the room.
Slade swivels his chair back to the monitors.
Several of his satalites record everything from the Tards' escape, to reactions of world leaders, The League's statement, Lex Corp's statement, Cartoon Network's statement, CNN'S statement, FOX News' statement and even Rich of ReviewTechUSA's statements, AlphaOmegaSin laughing his ass off, as well as The Leagues' predicament with The Tard Titans.
"These Tard Titans, they will help me succeed, where I had failed." Slade holds a photo of his estranged Ex Wife and Speechless son.
The End?
A/N: Will The Tard Titans Return home? Will the League retaliate? Will Wonder Woman get new clothes? Can Flash recover or need surgery? Can the League sue Mera Amber Heard? Will Jinx adapt to her new life? Why is Blackfire Slade's new apprentice? Who is Slade's Ex Wife and Silent Son?
But the biggest Question is, Will this Story Continue? Write in the reviews.