"Here," Sango murmured, walking up to Kagome with a cup of tea in one hand and a bundle of clothing clutched under the fold of her arm. The rest of the team had gone off to practice and train. Sango had volunteered to bring Kagome up to speed, more or less to prevent Inuyasha from being the one to do it. She wasn't convinced that his blunt or brash style of communication would be particularly helpful, especially when it was obvious to Sango that he was still grappling with his own grief and acting out.
Sango chewed the side of her cheek for a moment, pausing. Inuyasha had been the closest with Kikyo and his gaze had looked so broken in the Arena, the loss immediately apparent to Inuyasha in a way Sango hadn't experienced in many years. If he cared for Kikyo half as much as she had cared for her family, then Sango understood. Her heart ached for him, for herself, for all of their loss. Kikyo was a friend. It just… she was gone. They needed to move on to survive.
Extending her arm toward their new healer, Sango looked at Kagome. Her eyes were so bright, so innocent and untainted. Sango understood why Inuyasha was scared for Kagome. Win or lose, survive or die, those bright eyes would never shine like that again. They would only dull until they flickered out entirely. That's just what the Grid did to people.
Wordlessly, Kagome accepted the tea, taking a sip before grimacing at the taste. It was nothing like she was used to. She'd grown up with lovely, fragrant tea. The leafy liquid in her hands was bitter with barely any actual flavor, the wrong side of "earthy." She stared down at it hopelessly, realizing how much she'd taken for granted before that day, as something as unimportant as flavorful tea almost brought her to tears.
"It's not bad once you get used to it," Sango offered weakly, replying with a kind and understanding smile before placing the clothing next to Kagome.
"What's this?" Kagome asked, gaze flickering to observe the stack of mostly grey clothes.
"On top are our team uniforms. We wear those during training and during our matches. They are 'regulation'," she explained. "I'm not sure if they are actually required, but every team has worn them, and no one wants to be like the tajiyas. So… we try to follow the Grid's norms and rules."
Kagome frowned, shoulders slumping while she stared at the clothes before looking back to the terrible tea. Both made her stomach lurch.
"There's also some sleepwear and underwear and stuff, you know, basics," Sango continued with a shrug, wanting to fill the awkward silence while fiddling with her fingers.
"Thanks," Kagome murmured.
"You're taking this a lot better than I expected…" She tried, an awkward thing of a chuckle escaping. "I was sure you'd be in a ball crying for a week."
She'd be lying if Kagome said that wasn't one of her desires but, really, it took a back seat as Inuyasha's words continued to swirl around in her mind. "You really think any of us willingly chose to be here?!" "You were lied to."Kagome chewed on her bottom lip before taking another sip of the tea that was almost as gross as her reality. She did want to cry. She also wanted to scream. Hell, she wanted to rip out all her hair and tear apart the cement walls with her bare hands but none of that would change the situation. Even through the anxious mental fog, Kagome could understand that. She couldn't even cry herself out of a speeding ticket on a good day, let alone whatever the hell the "Grid" was. She had no idea how or why she had found herself in this position, but maybe that wasn't really what she needed to focus on.
Self-pity would only get her so far.
"So," Kagome began, ignoring Sango's comment, trying to approach the situation more logically. "Just to be clear… there are no directors or producers…?"
"No," Sango answered, standing beside her, still playing nervously with her fingers. "Or if there are, we've never encountered them. But, erm, wh-why do you think there would be?"
"Because this is a show," Kagome answered confidently, of that she was sure. The other aspects of the Grid and her arrival were questions to her but she knew undoubtedly that this was a T.V. show back home. And that it had looked wildly different through a screen.
'Why have the Players fight? Why have the Players kill? Why?' She wondered quietly. It didn't make sense.
"It's on T.V. It's like a reality show or something…" Kagome continued as Sango looked back at her, a single brow rising incrementally while the fighter appeared nothing less than totally bewildered. "Have you… you've never watched T.V.?" Kagome murmured, searching her expression for a hint.
"No, I have. It's just been a while," Sango replied. "I remember seeing cartoons occasionally when I was younger. I-I didn't really get to watch T.V. a lot in the home where I was."
"Oh," she mumbled, looking down at her tea feeling suddenly guilty.
"So… people watch us? For entertainment?" Sango pressed, kneeling to Kagome's eye level.
Kagome nodded slowly, "we-we didn't know that the deaths were real…"
"I don't mean this offensively but… how?"
"They don't show them. At least, not fully," Kagome's shoulders drooped as she recalled what little she had seen. The images had always been fantastical and breathtaking. Though it wasn't really her thing, she could understand why it was otherwise a popular series. "I wasn't a regular viewer," Kagome admitted. "I've only seen the show a few times but like when a Player gets hit… we just see them go down. We don't see anything else. We don't-we don't know what happens after… Sometimes the players come back. Sometimes they don't. I thought that it was like… a casting issue?"
Sango looked at her skeptically.
"Please don't look at me like that," Kagome whimpered, hanging her head, "I know now that that was dumb."
"That's… that's not… I just…" Sango murmured, taking a deep breath, "I'm just trying to grapple with the concept that this - that our lives - is a game to some people. That… we're…"
"Entertainment," Kagome finished, remembering the embittered way Sango had spit out the word a moment earlier.
"Yeah," she agreed solemnly. "You… you seemed to recognize Inuyasha though…"
Kagome nodded, "he's on, well, he used to be on a lot of the advertisements."
"Ads?"
"Yeah," she replied softly, shaking her head and closing her eyes. Kagome could easily picture it; the show was heavily watched by a large segment of the population. It was an international sensation with a fervent fan base. Posters and ads littered major retailers with pictures of fan favorites, champions, the like. Every region seemed to have a select few Players that it backed. Kagome recalled his face as easily as she could an old friend from primary school. He'd been a rising star a few seasons back but recently his notoriety had waned, different faces adorned her local shops now, but none of the others looked quite like him.
'Beautiful and demonic,' she frowned at the superficial thought. It felt so out of place given the context. What did it matter what he looked like? He was a prisoner in a heinous system.
Kagome's brows furrowed as she thought more about it though. She would have been able to more quickly pick out other Players, the ones with more recent success but it had taken her a minute to recall his face and name. "Has his, um, has Inuyasha's performance slipped recently?"
She watched Sango's frame tense and Kagome knew she had her answer.
It had.
'Well, that explains why he's no longer on as many of the ads...' Kagome bit down on her bottom lip, chewing it in thought.
"He's been struggling," Sango admitted reluctantly. "And the death of our healer hasn't really helped that process any. He blames himself."
"Was it… was it his fault?" Kagome pressed. She didn't want to make enemies of any of her… teammates… but she felt like she needed to know. If what Sango and the others were saying was true, then Inuyasha had been right. They couldn't coddle her. She would need to know their weaknesses and prepare for it. She would need to know where she stood, what her chances of survival realistically were with them, who to rely on, and who not to.
She had thought that she could rely on Inuyasha but, sitting there with Sango hedging and fidgeting as she tried to carefully explain the situation, Kagome wondered if her gut was leading her astray in making that assumption. Her gut didn't normally make a mistake, which frustrated her further. She sighed loudly, feeling a light migraine come on, mental fatigue banging on her skull.
"We each have an assignment in every round. It's our job to complete. Once we complete our assignment, we strategically assist each other but we don't break rank to help unless we've completed our task. That's the way we agreed to work as a team and when it works, it works really well. We've gone from a nothing team to a very respectable one," Sango began to explain, her mulberry eyes staring at the empty space on the bed, thinking it better to provide context than simply answer with a yes or no.
Kagome already seemed to have a strange, tense relationship with the half-demon. Sango had no desire to further complicate it.
Things with the team, with Inuyasha, they were more nuanced than a simple 'yes, he's been weaker' or 'no, he's fine.' There were things even Sango was still trying to work out, questions she had that didn't have obvious answers. And there was still so much Kagome didn't understand about the Grid. It felt like a disservice to inundate her with too many unknowns too soon.
"So… Inuyasha didn't complete his task?" Kagome pressed.
"No, he had an unusually difficult time with an unusually difficult team. You'll see that our top priority when finishing our tasks is protecting Shippo. None of us… none of us went to Kikyo. Even though we all saw her struggling," Sango admitted.
Kagome nodded, 'I'm not liking my odds here…'
"Kikyo was the strongest healer in the game," Sango continued. "We didn't… I guess, I can't speak for the others, but Ididn't think it was a problem. It should have been easier for her, but…"
Kagome watched as Sango's eyes became glassy, her gaze falling shamefully to the floor. "You blame yourself too," she murmured.
Sango nodded, "of course I do. I finished my task first. I went to Shippo. I-I ignored her when she was struggling. The next thing I know… Inuyasha is snarling and she's… just… she was spitting up blood with a sword sliding out of her chest and-" Sango cut herself off, forcing her eyes shut, the pain blooming in her chest at the vivid memory. The wet sound of the sword piercing flesh, the guttural gasp, the soundless cries from each team member as Kikyo slumped to the ground. Their loss was quickly secured after that. The round was more than humiliating, it devastated them, emotionally and in their rankings.
Kagome swallowed hard.
"Inuyasha is always matched with the strongest player. He's got the speed and the strength," Sango began again. "We are a unique team in a few ways. The first being that Shippo is our only full demon."
As she spoke, Kagome watched a wall come down. All previous emotion that Sango exhibited quickly relegated to the back of her mind, compartmentalized for a later date or time that Kagome understood may never actually come. Sango was steadily steeling herself, switching from empathetic listener to teacher and guide. It almost frightened Kagome how easily Sango seemed to be able to hide away the parts that made her human.
"We are a team of three humans and a half-demon. It makes us look easy to other teams, because most have at least two full demons on their rosters. We were also different because of Kikyo. She was the strongest healer in the Games. Because of that Inuyasha would get the strongest opponent and Kikyo would get the second strongest. It's a highly unusual tactic. Normally, healers are given weaker opponents in order to protect them."
"Okay," Kagome replied softly, taking a deep breath and listening to Sango closely.
"Miroku and I are trained fighters with different specialties. He's got some spiritual power, akin to a healer, but because that's not his main role the Grid weakens his powers in that respect. I'm purely a fighter, and those are my strengths, so the Grid magnifies my abilities.
"Shippo is young, as you could probably already tell. His powers are still developing. We aren't entirely sure how they will develop because, well… he's one of the longest surviving children in the game. His life and training are a long running case study."
Kagome winced, shaking her head and closing her eyes thinking about how kids were brought into the Grid. A lump caught in her throat as Kagome wondered, had she ever seen a child on the screen and simply not questioned it? Why, she wanted to scream, why hadn't she ever asked any questions? It seemed so obvious to her now, all the inconsistencies piling up in front of her. And yet… 'it was all right there, hiding in plain sight.' Kagome wanted to puke.
She had been on the outside, she had had the freedom and power to do something, and never seen.
Kagome opened her mouth to speak before closing it again, a separate thought bubbling to the surface. Horror etched itself in every feature of her face as she looked back up at Sango, who was waiting expectantly, evidently anticipating that Kagome would have a question. "So… if… you're all fighters in some capacity…"
"That makes you our healer. Your role is vital. Fighters are a dime a dozen, but healers make or break a team," Sango explained.
"Okay so… do I get like... medical training?" Kagome asked nervously.
Sango stared back at her blankly, "I can't tell if this is a joke. Are you bad at sarcasm?"
Kagome chewed on the side of her cheek, "it… it wasn't a joke..."
"Ah… well, no. You don't get medical training, you just… you heal people."
Swallowing thickly, Kagome looked between her cup of now cold tea and Sango, then back, "um, ho-how does one… do that, exactly?"
"You… you don't know how to heal?" She asked, trying and failing to mask her surprise.
Kagome shook her head and waited, watching the Player closely.
"Hmm, this… this could be a problem," Sango mumbled to herself, a hand coming up and idly scratching at her head. "To be honest, you're the first new healer we've had in a long time. I have no idea how to train a healer."
'Great,' Kagome thought, sighing heavily. 'I'm useless,' she disparaged, watching as Sango tried to think. 'I'm definitely going to die then, huh?'
"Let me get Miroku. We'll need to figure this out as soon as possible," Sango stated, more to herself than to Kagome it seemed. Standing up straight and turning to look down at Kagome, she said, "while I get him, put on your suit. If you're up, we should start with basic training. You'll need some practice so you know what you're up against."
Kagome nodded weakly.
"Oh, and Kagome?"
"Yes?" She replied, looking over as Sango stepped out of the sleeping space.
"You can cry anywhere, except in the Arena. Got it?" Her voice was firm, neighboring on harsh as she stared back at Kagome intently.
"Uh, erm, yeah. Understood," Kagome responded, a little startled by the force Sango had put behind her words.
"In there, we are our strongest versions of ourselves," Sango explained, her voice softening but only to shave off the edges of her tone. "If you cry, the other teams won't hesitate to cut you down."
'Awesome.'
Sango left her alone then, following one of the paths Kagome had noticed earlier that led through the thick forest. Kagome let her shoulders slump and her head roll to the side, looking over at the stack of grey clothes next to her.
They matched so easily with what the others had been wearing, which made sense for a "team" but felt like another freedom Kagome had been so abruptly stripped of. They were nothing like the things she liked to wear. She ran her fingers over them for a moment. The fabric was light and breathable, stretchy. It was like the shit she wore to the gym. Kagome rolled her eyes.
She hated those clothes.
Everything about them. They were immediately offensive, and not just for the color or fabric.
Still, she stood, peeking out of the sleeping quarters that, for some reason that felt inexplicable to her, did not have a final wall or door that enclosed the space. Kagome wandered around, searching in vain for anything that provided more cover. After circling the space three times, she let out a defeated whimper, slipping off the grime and blood-stained clothes she had been in while looking around self-consciously for prying eyes before reaching for the new clothes.
Standing in the middle of the sleeping quarters, Kagome lifted the various garments that Sango had brought to her and examined them. They looked… uncomfortable despite feeling like they were made from stretchy material. At the very least, they looked far too tight for her as she held up a shirt and bra-like thing against her nearly bare torso before she sighed sullenly.
"My, my, I had no idea our new healer was so beautiful!"
Kagome shrieked, jumping off the ground and tossing the small fabric shirt she'd been holding into the air. It floated for a moment before landing a few inches from her teammates' feet, all four of them clumped together, fully dressed. Her arms immediately went to cover her chest, while sapphire eyes widened in abject humiliation as she stared at Miroku who was grinning broadly, Shippo who was rolling his eyes, Sango who was glaring at Miroku, and, finally, Kagome's gaze landed on Inuyasha who was looking straight at her, not the least bit impressed. Swallowing hard, Kagome suddenly felt like she was back in high school, a nugget of a person budding awkwardly on womanhood instead of a full fledged adult among other adults; mostly.
"Miroku!" Sango hissed, pushing by him and grabbing the garment off the ground. "Could you not make her more uncomfortable than she already is?!"
The man feigned offense, a hand coming up to his chest, "Sango, whatever do you mean? I'm just stating a fact! Kagome is-"
"Shut up!" Growled Sango, picking up a pebble from the ground and throwing it at him before she walked up to Kagome. "Ignore him."
"Mmhmm," Kagome mumbled, her cheeks burning red as she pulled her gaze from Inuyasha's to meet Sango's.
"I'm so sorry," Sango continued, standing between her and the boys to provide added cover. "I thought you would have been dressed by now."
"There's no… privacy," Kagome whispered.
"Get used to it, princess," Inuyasha scoffed, yawning in feigned boredom.
Kagome twisted so that she could glare over at the half-demon despite Sango standing between them. "Stop calling me that! You know my name!"
"Then stop acting like one, princess," he bit back, coating the word with every ounce of vitriol he could.
Her scent floated around him, making him intolerably nauseous. It was so lovely, so warm; a false sense of security. Blood would coat her soon enough, stain her porcelain skin and taint her brilliant aroma. She, like him and the others, now had a ticker above her head, counting down her life.
Kagome clenched her jaw, grabbing the garment from Sango's hand then stomping over to Inuyasha, ignoring the embarrassment of only being covered by the dirty, stained undergarments that she had arrived in. "What's your problem with me?!" Kagome spat. "You don't even know me!"
"My problem?" He snickered, "is you." It wasn't, but it was what she inadvertently made him relive every moment she breathed or blinked. Kikyo and the life draining from her face, the same warmth Kagome currently held bleeding out until Kikyo's skin grew cold under his finger tips. A fear whispered that Kagome would be the same.
She was no exception. None of them were. He'd have to watch her die too. He could feel it in his bones. Her fate was sealed.
"Why?! I didn't ask to be here!"
"Yeah, princess, none of us did!" Inuyasha hissed. "My problem is that you're taking an awfully long time to fucking catch up… You seem a little slow-"
"Why you," Kagome grumbled, her nose scrunching up in anger.
"And we don't have time for slow," he finished.
"Can we get a muzzle for him?" Shippo asked bitterly, coming to stand next to Kagome and glare up at Inuyasha.
"I second that," Sango replied flatly. "Kagome, come with me. I'll help you." The fighter reached out, the pads of her fingers brushing against Kagome's wrist, silently encouraging her to walk away.
Kagome stood her ground, glowering back at Inuyasha, attempting to show to him that she wasn't going to back down. Even as Sango attempted to convince her to step back, Kagome didn't. "I'm not scared of you," she hissed in a hushed tone, knowing he'd hear it.
"Then you're even slower than I thought," Inuyasha answered in a sneer before brushing by her and taking a seat by the campfire.
"Come on, ignore him," Sango instructed firmly, guiding Kagome to a spot behind the sleeping quarters before holding out the clothes to Kagome who turned angrily on her heels, following.
"I'm sorry about the clothes. They probably won't fit very well. They are all Kikyo's old stuff, and she was…" Kagome watched Sango's mulberry eyes drift along her body, an awkward pause hanging between them as Sango overtly examined Kagome's form before continuing. "Kikyo was taller and not as curvy as you are. So, things probably won't fit quite right. But after our next match, if we win, we'll be able to get you properly fitted attire."
"This sucks," Kagome muttered in a pout.
Sango smiled weakly, handing the clothes over to her, "I have faith in you."
"Not sure I deserve it," Kagome replied, not meaning to let the thought slip out.
"You do," Sango assured. "You're already far more than we expected."
"Is that a good thing?"
"I think so. You're not afraid to go toe-to-toe with Inuyasha. That's a lot to ask from a newbie, even if he does kind of look like a grumpy puppy." Sango smiled, not a full one that met her eyes but still a playful grin of a thing.
"I heard that!" The half-demon called grumpily from the other side of the box housing their beds.
"Stop being a dick and maybe I'll stop calling you a puppy!" Sango yelled back, immediately irate again. "He's not as bad as he seems, I promise," she commented, her voice softening as she addressed Kagome.
"Sure…" Kagome grumbled, unconvinced.
Kagome wiggled and shifted, picking at the fabric adorning her, unable to find a comfortable medium in it. The grey suit clung to her worse than a second skin. The fabric, though stretchy, was still tight and constricting, making her feel like if she bent over the seams would completely tear. Worse still, Kikyo had definitely been taller. The fabric uncomfortably bunched at her ankles and covered parts of her hands no matter how often Kagome rolled or folded the excess at her wrists and ankles.
Chewing again on her battered lips, Kagome tried to stifle the mounting discomfort. It wasn't just that the sleeves were too long and the fabric too tight. She was sitting in a dead woman's uniform, with strangers, all of whom were staring at her, silently expecting her to replace said dead woman on their team. It… it was uncomfortable.
She swallowed thickly, avoiding their gazes, desperate to shove down the clamoring mix of emotions that were threatening to spill over at any moment. Kagome felt almost like a petulant child on the verge of throwing a tantrum, wanting nothing but to be home again. Except, she didn't know how to get back. It wasn't as simple as dropping into a portal nearby. She'd been taken against her will and dropped… somewhere.
As Kagome sat, quietly squirming in her clothes, Sango, Shippo, and Inuyasha sat on a log, staring at her, with Miroku positioned right in front of her. Sango insisted they provide "moral support" and offer ideas that might help Miroku as they attempted to call forth Kagome's "innate" healing abilities. Really, for Kagome, that just meant that she had an audience to watch her fail at something that she should have, in theory, already known about and/or trained for.
The pressure pushed down on her, the heavy expectations of a team that had had one of the strongest healers in the Games, looking at her to save them or lead them to slaughter.
Really, it was mostly one audience member Kagome wasn't keen on; Inuyasha. Just him. His hard gaze made her feel so woefully inadequate when, rationally, Kagome understood that her emotions were valid and normal. Her mind could only handle so much but… maybe that was what Inuyasha had been referring to.
'He thinks I'm weak…' Anger passed through her.
His presence, so bright and overbearing, beat down on her like the unrelenting sun on a humid summer's day. Kagome was slightly grateful that he was keeping his stupid handsome mouth shut but the skeptical look on his face was more than enough to suggest it wasn't going to stay that way.
"Sango told me that you've never knowingly used your healing powers. Is that right?" Miroku asked, grinning while his violet eyes jumped back and forth between Kagome's timid gaze and her body that she was sure would explode through the suit at any moment.
"Stop looking at her like that," Sango chastised. "You're supposed to be teaching her, not imagining her naked."
"There's not a lot left to the imagination," Inuyasha sneered before Sango smacked him on the head. "Hey!" He growled back, glowering at the fighter.
Sango hissed, "we already have one pervert. We don't need another."
"I feel like a sausage," Kagome whined.
"And you look delectable," Miroku commented, smiling confidently from ear to ear even as Sango reached forward and smacked him on the back of the head as well.
"Can we focus?!" Sango exclaimed, glaring at Inuyasha and Miroku.
"Yes, yes," Miroku insisted, clearing his throat as if that would erase the prior few minutes from Kagome's mind. It didn't. "So, back to my question… you've never used healing powers?"
"No," Kagome replied, frustration ebbing into her tone without her consent.
She swallowed hard, forcing her eyes to shut tightly. Her heart was beating so fast it would rival the wings of a hummingbird. Her breaths were shallow and chest felt so, so tight. Kagome quietly, slowly took in a long breath, trying to quell the stress biting at her. She felt the pressure behind her eyes, the inner-child, overwhelmed and overburdened wanting to lash out and scream.
It all was both too much and not enough. Too much change and loss and not enough information, not enough for her to be able to grab onto and secure herself. Kagome could feel the spiral coming. Holding her breath, she tried to slow it. 'Can I even really do this?' The thought barged in, her lip trembling in response. 'W-what choice do I have? It's this or die, right?'
"The important thing," Miroku began, violet eyes still dragging over Kagome but this time out of concern, watching her begin to collapse in on herself, "is that you learn how to channel your power. Healers are mostly defensive in nature. You can create barriers, you can heal - obviously, and you do so through powers of purification. Purifying opponents won't usually cause a lot of damage but every little bit counts in the Arena. Okay?"
Kagome nodded, worrying her lip. His voice, his instruction gave her something else to focus on.
"Do you know how to channel your powers?"
"I-I didn't even know I had any…" Kagome murmured, her voice shaking as tears pricked at the back of her eyes.
A heavy pit formed in her stomach. 'Inu-Inuyasha was right… I… I'm dead weight… I can't even do the one thing I am supposed to here…'
"Okay," Miroku sighed, feeling his own inadequacy, running his hand through his hair. For as long as Miroku could remember, Kikyo had been with the team. She hadn't needed to be taught how to use her powers. She had merely needed help improving them over time. "So, we need to get you in a situation where you can feel and sort of play with the energy that you'll need to harness to access these powers. Good news is that the Grid should magnify your abilities, so finding your powers should be easier here than it would have been in the outside world."
"Right," Kagome mumbled, "is that supposed to be some sort of silver lining?"
"No," Miroku commented, offering her a weak smile, "just a tool we can use to our advantage here."
"She's never going to fucking get it," Inuyasha bemoaned, rolling his eyes. "If she doesn't already know then how is this useful?"
Kagome clenched fists at her side, teary eyes narrowing and filling with conflict as she stared down the half-demon, again, who didn't so much as glance over at her, though he most certainly could feel the heat from her ire. Kagome wanted to be angry with him, she was frustrated with herself just as much as the situation. Her feelings, though, were tainted with guilt, shame, and fear. She knew they - including him - were depending on her for their lives and she… she didn't even know what she didn't know.
She recalled Sango's shocked and nervous face from earlier when the fighter had learned that Kagome would need instruction. It made sense that Inuyasha, too, would be worried, or even upset.
Kagome's head and gaze dropped. She glared at the ground, lip trembling as she clenched her fists as tightly as she could. She didn't like that he was pointing out the obvious. It certainly would have been more polite to keep his comments to himself but, he was merely pointing out the obvious.
It didn't matter what she thought, what Inuyasha thought, what any of them thought, not really. She was their healer. They were dependent on her to perform, and not just perform but do so immediately and well. Their lives were on the line.
She sucked in a harsh breath, turning away from the group. Her headache had grown from a dull annoyance to a full migraine. Her body thrummed with anxious energy. Kagome had never felt so close to fully unraveling in her entire life, even after the death of her father. Sitting there, with four strangers staring at her, in a place she didn't recognize, it felt like shoving a computer into a frier. All executive processing was failing and burning.
They needed her but Kagome had just woken up in hell with no memory or understanding of how she'd gotten there. Her thoughts twisted and melded chaotically. How had she gotten there?
'I was walking home…' Kagome winced immediately, remembering the pain she'd felt while sprawled out helplessly on the grass. She could taste her blood again, feel a thick, humid darkness cling to her like an inky smog.
"Oi, are you even paying attention?!"
His voice tore through the edging blackness in her mind, clearing it out entirely. Kagome looked up, startled. She blinked at him, her vision clear, fiery gold eyes staring back at her.
Inuyasha sighed and rolled his eyes. "Could you at least pretend to give a fuck?" He growled.
She nodded vacantly back at him, biting down on her bottom lip, falling back into her mind. Her gaze flickered over him briefly, Miroku's voice resuming in the background as he told her something about balance that reminded her of unhelpful yoga lessons from her time in undergrad.
Kagome faced Miroku again, brows furrowed.
She didn't know how to feel about her teammates. Sango was friendly but the walls around her were thick; Kagome could feel it. Miroku was… Kagome wanted to keep him at arm's length but he clearly had knowledge she would need. Inuyasha…
The first word that came to mind was abrasive but she remembered him. Not just his image from the advertisements but the tenderness he'd shown her, cradling her in his arms when she was in pain. She remembered the way his energy slipped over her like a blanket, cloaking her in comfort. Kagome thought he would be safe, 'but he's… he's so angry with me. Why? Wh-what did I-'
She felt the aching anxiousness bear down on her again, her lip resuming its treacherous trembling.
A small, soft pressure pressed against her knee. Kagome turned, shocked and confused. She hadn't even heard Shippo come over to her. He smiled up at her, his brows pulled together slightly, his hand resting on her leg. She watched his little nose twitch as he squeezed her knee.
Kagome swallowed and sniffled, lifting a hand to wipe at the tears she hadn't even realized had bubbled along her eye.
He said nothing, Shippo simply held his gaze while standing next to her.
Kagome nodded meekly, his message to her felt loud.
She wasn't alone.
Even if she felt like she was in it by herself… she wasn't. They were a team and as a team they were looking to her for help. They weren't asking her to carry the burden alone, even if that's exactly where her mind had gone. 'Team…' The word took on a new meaning.
At the very least, Kagome thought, she would have to try; just like Inuyasha had asked. For her life and for theirs.
Sango had made it clear earlier, healers were vital. Kagome was vital and the training they were trying to give her was paramount.
"I have faith in you," Shippo proclaimed strongly.
Inuyasha rolled his eyes, "don't be ridiculous. We'll be lucky if she lasts the week."
"Inuyasha," Miroku warned.
"What? You know the rules," he sat up, gold eyes narrowing and glancing over Kagome briefly before looking at Miroku. Her tears were making him ill.
"What rules?" Kagome asked, crossing her arms over her chest, feeling raw and uncomfortably vulnerable.
"In the Arena," Inuyasha purred darkly, "it's every man for themselves. We don't save you and you don't save us. It's the only way the team survives."
On any other day Kagome might have been able to see what was happening. She may have been able to understand that he was pushing her away, lashing out not at her but at something else she wasn't privy to. She may have been able to hear the hollowness in his criticisms, despite their poignancy. Not then though.
Not after waking up in hell with four strangers staring at her while she had forced herself into a dead girl's clothes without wrenching. Kagome ground her teeth together, the rancorous mess of emotions she was desperately trying to stifle burning through her chest bombastically as they ricocheted out of her control. Even if she wanted to, Kagome couldn't stop the words as they tumbled out of her mouth.
"Isn't that what got your last healer killed?" She remarked in a bitter hiss.
Inuyasha's entire body stiffened, his generic annoyance morphing into a deep rage. It happened so quickly, the way his hollow snarl turned into a predatory glint, every muscle tensing beneath his uniform, bones rigid and jaw set. It looked nothing like the petty scowls he'd been tossing at her. The dark anger bled into every nook and cranny of his expression.
Kagome regretted her comment the moment it was out but especially after watching how it affected Inuyasha. She'd hit on something deep and painful.
"The rules… are the rules," he hissed, stepping up to her.
Inuyasha stared her down, watching the fear flicker in her eyes. It only served to further incite him. He could feel it. He knew it wasn't Kagome's fault she was there. He knew he was being too aggressive. It tore through him. All of it. The grief of his friend who was suddenly… gone. The woman he'd just talked with, laughed with, not two days earlier and now… he would never speak to her again. Instead, they'd gotten Kagome.
A replacement for the irreplaceable.
Who would die just the same.
It wasn't Kagome's fault. He could understand that but it felt like no one was listening to him. Inuyasha stared down at her, searching that sapphire gaze for something, anything. It wasn't her fault she couldn't save him. Hell, it wasn't even really her fault that their team was saddling him with her protection.
And it certainly wasn't her fault he'd fail again. "If you have a problem with our rules… put yourself on the trading floor. We aren't changing our ways for you."
He hardened his gaze as he sneered at her before he pulled back.
It was better, really, for her to learn now that she shouldn't rely on him.
Kagome swallowed thickly but didn't respond. Her stormy eyes locked with his, unyielding and unwilling to waver. He seemed to hate her, even if he didn't know her. She wanted to hate him too. To give him the same vicious and callous treatment that he felt she deserved but Kagome couldn't do it.
She shook her head, eventually forcing her gaze down.
"Inuyasha," Miroku cut in sternly. "Why don't you and Sango train and I'll work with Kagome?" It was phrased as a question, but his tone indicated that it wasn't up for debate.
The half demon huffed, then walked away. "Fine by me," he replied, tossing his answer over his shoulder before bounding into the air in the direction Kagome assumed the training ground was in.
"I'll try to talk to him," Sango stated tiredly, picking herself up from the log and placing a hand on Kagome's shoulder. She squeezed gently, trying to convey a message of comfort to Kagome, before turning and walking away.
"You got this," Shippo commented, tapping Kagome on the shoulder, mimicking Sango's action, and smiling at her. "I know you're strong."
Kagome smiled weakly, back at him. "Thank you, that means a lot."
"Don't worry about Inuyasha," Shippo grinned, puffing out his chest, "I won't let him put you on the trading floor. You're our healer. I'll protect you."
"Go on, Shippo," Miroku directed, though his tone was soft and his smile warm as he perceived the young fox demon. "Give Inuyasha hell out there, okay? I'll take care of Kagome."
"Remember what Sango said! No more hitting on her!" He warned sternly.
Miroku lifted both his hands up in the air, as if surrendering, "I promise I won't."
"Good, you let me know if he does," Shippo whispered to Kagome before walking away.
She waited, biting her lip and watching the kitsune run off toward Sango's shrinking figure. A strained silence fell over the campsite, Inuyasha's cruel remarks lingering in the air. When Shippo was far enough away, Kagome spoke, choosing to ignore the elephant in the room, or really, the half-demon. "Sango said that Shippo's the longest surviving kid in the game."
"That's not quite true," Miroku mumbled.
Kagome turned, surprised. "Really? So… there are other kids?"
Her brother's image popped into her mind. A hard shiver ran down her spine. The Grid suddenly felt all that much more horrifying in such a visceral way. 'If they could take me… couldn't they take anyone?'
Miroku nodded, "yes, but, we can dive down that rabbit hole another time. Let's focus on meditating and trying to get you connected with your spiritual powers for right now. Once we get you connected with them, it'll be easier to move on to the next step."
"Okay," Kagome replied, though she wasn't entirely sure how or what it meant to "connect" with her spiritual powers. Or if she had the energy to do it.
"You gotta be nicer!" Sango yelled, ducking as Inuyasha's fist sliced through the air.
"As if!" He scoffed, blocking her advance and tossing her over his shoulder, out of the way. She rolled to soften her landing before quickly finding her feet and pouncing back toward him.
Inuyasha loved training with Sango. She was faster than a lot of humans and agile like a fucking cat. He was positive that she was one of, if not the best, human fighters in the Grid. Even better than Miroku. Especially at hand to hand combat. Put simply, Sango was lethal and training with her was fun. They'd been sparring partners for several cycles and she still managed to surprise him.
Training with her usually put him in a better mood and it was then too. If he was moving and blocking attacks, he wasn't thinking about his life or all the shit that had blown up in his face in the past forty-eight hours. Although, Sango was apparently hell bent on making him address some of it regardless.
Mainly, Kagome.
Kagome, their new healer.
Kagome, the girl with the eyes so deep and mesmerizing he was afraid of drowning in them.
Kagome, the wench with the noxious scent that made rational thought die in screaming agony.
What Sango didn't realize though was that Inuyasha didn't need her to bring up Kagome. Her likeness had no trouble popping up in his thoughts without his consent repeatedly. Even if there wasn't even a real or complete thought attached to it, she was there in his mind, taking up space and fueling the already deeply rooted ache in his heart.
Sango had been right by the river, calling Kagome beautiful.
He could recognize that he found the new healer attractive, but that thought in and of itself brought on a whole new wave of shame, guilt, and confusion. Her appearance didn't matter, wouldn't matter. Inuyasha found the push and pull in his own mind maddening. He was desperate to believe that Ayame was right, that her healing him by the river wasn't some damn fluke.
But then Sango had told them… Kagome had no idea what healing powers were or what to do.
He wanted to be hopeful like Shippo, to believe in her, but even that felt… wrong. Sango, Miroku, and Shippo were each-they looked like they'd already moved on. They were over it. Inuyasha wasn't. He felt a separate guilt and responsibility to mourn Kikyo.
They all wanted him to simply accept reality and plunge forward but he couldn't. He just couldn't. He wasn't like them. And every time Kagome's image popped into his fucking head…
He couldn't save her. She was going to die.
It felt so wrong, all of it.
Kagome was so beautiful, full of life, like most new Players are. Full of indignation and a strength to her spirit that Inuyasha didn't understand but wanted to believe would be enough because he sure as hell wouldn't be.
Anger swam through his veins. 'If Kikyo couldn't survive… what chance does Kagome have?' He didn't really want to address that worry. 'She should have gone to a different team. She shouldn't be here…'
Every remorseful thought had only been made that much worse as he'd had to sit there and see for himself how unprepared she was, all while wearing Kikyo's old clothes, causing Kagome's overwhelming scent to mix grotesquely with Kikyo's. It had soured his nose, gut, and mood the entire time he'd sat by her.
"She's fragile!" Sango argued, pulling out a dagger from her ankle and aiming for his face, knowing full well it would move too slowly through the air to actually hit him.
"She can't be fragile!" He growled, predictably moving out of the way of the blade, letting it sail by him and embed itself in the trunk of a nearby tree. "If she's going to survive she needs to be tough."
"Ah, so you're just looking out for her by being a dick, is that it?" Sango laughed, pulling out her sword and lunging at him.
"Sure, if that gets you off my back," Inuyasha smirked, drawing his sword to meet hers, metal colliding and sparking in the light of day. "Mine's bigger," he teased.
"It's a demon sword, of course it's oversized and overpowered to compensate," Sango remarked, raising a brow in challenge. "Still, Inuyasha, I'm asking."
He groaned in irritation as he pushed her back, waiting a moment for her to adjust her footing before she came back at him with her sword. "It doesn't sound like an ask," he bit out.
"We need a healer and a good one. You heard Ayame," Sango replied, faking to the left before nicking him on the right. "She's strong. Yeah, she needs some training and support but if we can get her up to speed she might match Kikyo."
"Pfft," he sneered, dodging her next attempt and kicking her backwards, sending her tumbling across the training ground. "Kikyo was a once in a generation healer. We'll be lucky if she's half as strong."
Sango huffed, getting to her feet and wiping back her sweat soaked, dirt coated bangs. "Kagome could be better! Give her a fucking chance before writing her off! That's all I'm saying!"
"No, you're asking me to go easy on her. I won't do it!" He snarled, sheathing his sword and waiting for her to come back at him. "We're a target. If she doesn't shape up she'll die."
"You know Kikyo wasn't your fault, right? We all failed her," Sango commented, sheathing her sword as well and cracking her knuckles before sprinting at him.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't need the fucking therapy session, Sango."
"I think you might!" She exclaimed while tossing a second dagger at him as a distraction then sliding to the ground and knocking his feet out from under him, before pinning him into the dirt with a devilish smirk on her face.
Inuyasha glared up at her. Sango's weight was akin to a fly compared to his strength but he had to hand it to her. He hadn't been expecting that one. She rolled off him quickly, extending her hand to help him up. Even if he didn't need it, he took it.
"Look," she continued, meeting him with a firm gaze. "I know you and Kikyo had a special… bond… whatever, and I know you're taking this hard but you can't keep putting that on Kagome. She's got a lot she's grappling with. We need to ease her into this as much as possible."
"No one eased us into this shit," he growled.
"But if someone would have, wouldn't you have wanted that?" Sango pressed, walking by him to grab her daggers.
"Nothing like learning under fire whether or not you can handle it."
"You're an ass sometimes, you know that?"
"Whatever. You take a break. Shippo you fucking ready?" Inuyasha spat, turning toward the kitsune. He was done talking. It never made a difference.
"Me?" Shippo trembled, shrinking down as if he could hide from training. His emerald eyes roamed over Inuyasha, nervously noting the tension in Inuyasha's shoulders that still remained from earlier.
"Yeah, get up. Come on. We gotta practice your close combat techniques."
"F-fine…" He frowned, pulling out a leaf and checking the blade at his thigh.
Kagome sat, slumped next to the fire that Miroku started at the end of the day, watching the flames flicker and holding back the flood of tears she felt teetering on the edge of her eye line again. Her training with Miroku had been nothing short of a big fat failure. It was like math in high school all over again. She just… Kagome didn't get it.
Miroku had left but she was too absorbed in her failures to have remembered what he said, where he went, even how long he'd been gone. Her thoughts were all-consuming and poisonous.
He kept telling her to search inside herself for the energy but that didn't make any sense! She didn't feel any energy within her like he described. They had spent hours meditating. Miroku seemed like he had had a wonderful training experience, walking away looking refreshed and energized. Kagome on the other hand felt more distraught and useless than before.
He'd told her not to worry, that she was probably tired and that it would come. It had felt like a pitiful attempt at placating her. Kagome didn't want false confidence or reassurances. She wanted, she needed, honesty. Her world had suddenly been turned upside down and she needed the truth to ground her while she navigated her new situation.
She sighed heavily, poking the flaming logs with a stick.
"Hey!" Shippo exclaimed, running up to Kagome and taking a seat next to her. "How did training go?"
"I-I couldn't… I'm not sure…" She responded, hesitant to tell him that it had left her realizing how out of depth she truly was. His big, hopeful green eyes stared back up at her, as if she held the secrets to success and a long life. It made her inability to connect to her 'energy' that much more of a let down. He was championing her to the group and looking to her for support that she evidently couldn't repay.
"Don't worry!" He reassured, leaning against her. "It's your first day. It'll come with practice. It took me weeks to learn how to make fox fire."
"You can make fire?" Kagome asked in surprise.
"Yeah, wanna see?!"
"Yes," she smiled, genuinely intrigued, ignoring Sango and Inuyasha as they strolled into camp, both looking thoroughly roughed up.
"Ta da!" Shippo exclaimed, flicking his wrist and unleashing a puff of teal flames.
"Wow," she murmured, leaning in. Kagome lifted a hand, letting it hover around the fire, noticing that there was no heat. Her brows furrowed and she pushed her hand closer, eventually touching the flames.
"It doesn't actually do any damage," Inuyasha scoffed. "It's just a trick."
"Oh," Kagome responded, pulling her hand away. "It looked so real."
"That's the idea!" Shippo smiled. "It's mostly a distraction. It moves like real fire in the Arena and it pulls people's attention away so that Inuyasha or Sango can nail our opponent."
"What does Miroku do? I thought he was a fighter too?"
"He is," Sango interjected, taking a seat across from Kagome and taking a sip of water. "But he also has spiritual powers, so he helps a lot with defensive maneuvers. He has a couple really strong offensive moves but we save those for when we are getting our asses kicked. So far no team has figured out how to stop him. We want to keep it that way."
Kagome nodded, trying her best to remember all the information from the day.
"Speaking of which," Inuyasha began, standing above her. "How did your training go?"
She sighed, letting her head droop.
"She'll get it soon!" Shippo answered for her, looking up at Inuyasha with a glare, not liking the half-demon's accusatory and slightly mocking tone.
"Yeah right," he admonished, walking over to their sleeping quarters to grab a fresh set of clothes.
"Hey! It's her first day!" The fox argued.
"Yeah, so?" He sneered, pulling off his shirt. "Tomorrow she needs combat training. I don't give a fuck what Miroku says. If she's going into the Arena without her goddam healing powers, she needs a weapon and she needs to fucking learn how to use it."
Sango frowned but nodded. "I think that's fair."
"I-I don't have to… kill people… right?" Kagome asked, looking up at Sango.
"Our team has ground rules," Sango explained. "We don't kill unless necessary, and I mean absolutely necessary. We train to incapacitate and injure. Things that healers can fix."
"Okay."
"But… other teams fight to kill," she stated. "We are the only team that we know of that consistently abides by a no-killing policy."
Kagome swallowed thickly and nibbled on her bottom lip.
"If you can't follow that," Inuyasha snickered, walking up behind her and growling in her ear, "we will trade you. Got it?"
"Got it," she hissed in response, glaring at him.
"Another rule," Inuyasha growled. "You stick to your assignment. Got it? We have a strategy and we stick to it. You may not like the plan but going rogue in the Arena will get you killed. Especially with someone as inexperienced as you."
"So… follow your plan and end up like your last healer… Go rogue and end up like your last healer… I'm not really seeing a benefit to either path," Kagome remarked, glaring at him and his condescending tone.
His gaze hardened again and lip twitched into a dark snarl, "follow the rules, otherwise, I don't give a shit what Shippo wants… we're trading your useless fucking ass."
"Stop threatening her," Shippo warned, shoving a small finger into Inuyasha's chest authoritatively.
Kagome rolled her eyes, bringing her attention back to the fire. "What's this trading floor you keep bringing up?"
"It's a system where you can rotate or alternate players. The Games operate on a team basis. Each team needs five players," Sango explained. "The Creators' rules are finite on a few things: you need to play when you're scheduled to; your team needs five members for each match, and each team must have at least one healer, one fighter, and one with mixed powers. The other two team members can be anything available.
"But, the trading floor is where you can opt to get a different player. Teams trade players for a lot of reasons, sometimes they just want someone stronger. Sometimes one person doesn't get along with the group. Sometimes players go rogue and that can be difficult to compensate for in the Arena. You need team members that are dependable and if you have one that isn't… sometimes it's easier and more advantageous to switch them out.
"Everyone on this team has been traded at least once before. It's not a fun process… and some teams use it to maintain order."
"So… you're willing to trade me?" Kagome asked, her voice cracking in the middle. It pained her to think that they'd want her gone within such a short time of knowing her. Had she already really been that much of a let down?
"As a team," Sango explained, "we've agreed that we need four unanimous votes before we trade a player."
"We voted this morning whether or not to trade you," Inuyasha informed. "Shippo was the only one that didn't want to. So… keep that in mind when we enter the Arena. Go rogue or break rank and your ass is gone," he remarked.
"Inuyasha!" Sango spat. "You're not supposed to tell her about the votes!"
"Why not?" He smirked. "She needs to know where she stands. You're a liability."
It was the casualness of his tone, the utter lack of anger but instead the way he almost took enjoyment from pointing out to her that while she was unconscious they had almost tossed her out that had Kagome sputtering for air. The frustration and despair it awoke was too much to hold in. She tried to blink back the tears.
It didn't work.
The burning drops seared trails down her cheeks as she clenched her fists together in her lap. Keeping her head low, Kagome stood, silently walking away from the group.
"Kagome wait!" Shippo exclaimed, bounding after her.
"Please," she bit out, "don't follow me."
His steps slowed to a stop as Shippo watched her walk down one of the worn out paths in the forest. After a beat, he turned on his heel and stormed over to Inuyasha. "What was that for?!"
"You're the only one that wants her here," he replied dryly.
"You didn't have to make her feel like shit," Sango snarled. "I'm sure even you can see she's struggling!"
"She won't last the week," he said matter-of-factly.
"You don't know that!" Shippo cried.
"I do," he stated. "When will you two get it? She's not cut out for this." His voice was level. Though his words were harsh, Inuyasha wasn't intending to be mean. Those were the facts as he saw them. His mind kept flashing back to her from that morning. Her eyes may have been filled with fire but she was as delicate as they came. All the armor or meditation in the world wouldn't prepare her for the Arena. It wouldn't save her from her fate.
With them she was as good as dead.
And it didn't help any of them to pretend that she could be something. Potential was fine and dandy if there was time to nurture it but they each had a clock ticking down above their heads.
Once, Inuyasha may have believed that fire was enough to get you through. Not anymore.
The name of the game was survival. And she just… she was hanging by a thin thread that was getting thinner. Getting attached wouldn't do them any favors.
"Hey, where'd Kagome go?" Miroku asked, walking up to the group, a box of fresh food in his hands.
"Where the fuck have you been?" Inuyasha asked, ignoring the heavy glares from both Shippo and Sango.
"Getting dinner. We have an extra Player now, so that means we were owed extra rations for today's meals," he explained looking around. "I went to the Square but again… where is Kagome?"
"Inuyasha was an ass," Shippo hissed, crossing his arms over his chest. "He made her cry and she went that way."
Miroku closed his eyes then slowly placed the food on the ground. "Make dinner," he commanded, not looking at, but clearly speaking to Inuyasha. "I'll go get her."
"What's the fucking point?!" He exclaimed.
Miroku glared at him, "does her life not hold value to you?"
Inuyasha recoiled like he'd been slapped in the face. "Excuse me?"
"You treat her like her life is less valuable than any of ours. It's not. She's new, yeah, but a life is a life, isn't it?" Inuyasha sat in silence, angrily digesting Miroku's words. "She is worthy of our protection. Maybe you're right, maybe she won't fucking last, but you know what? It's our job as her teammates to do our best to keep her alive and prevent that! Shippo was right when he said no other team would protect her. She is our healer. Accept it."
"I don't need a lecture!"
"Evidently you do because filling her head with doubt before her first match only makes her worse. You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy here. She won't last because you're making her believe she won't. So… make the fuckingdinner. I'm going to go talk to her," Miroku snapped, shaking his head and grumbling beneath his breath as he walked down the path Shippo had pointed out.
Kagome followed the trail as far down as it would go, biting down on her bottom lip between soft sobs. Her tears felt like acid as they tore at her cheeks and made her question not only her sanity but the point of her existence.
She paused as the trail ended, opening up to a cleared area. The middle of the space was mostly dirt and flattened grass where the team had stamped out any life after countless hours sparring. Even as the light in the Grid began to dim, Kagome could make out the various scars on the surrounding trees and branches where daggers, arrows, swords, even claws had carved grooves into the landscape.
Kagome ran her fingers along the different indentations, her eyes tracing the various equipment off to the side of the space. A number of knives and blunt swords lined the far tree line but it was the lone bow that caught her eye. She sniffled and wiped a stream of tears from her cheek while walking over to the bow.
It was large, heavier than she expected, but she grinned to herself. 'I'm not useless,' she thought, grabbing an arrow and nocking it. She picked a tree at the far end of the field and let an arrow soar through the empty space, sinking a few inches below her intended spot.
Kagome grinned broadly to herself, grabbing another arrow and nocking it in the bow then repeating the process, watching the second arrow hit just above her intended mark. "Okay, I'm a little rusty," she admitted to herself. "But… not useless."
Feeling emboldened, Kagome rested the bow back down and let the pads of her fingers skim across the knives. She picked out a small one with a long handle, twisting it in her hand. It glittered as she held it in the air against the red hues of artificial light.
She turned briefly, looking up at the so-called "sky" above her. She frowned, realizing for the first time that it was… fake. It wasn't crisp or natural, it was pixelated. As if she was in a literal grid or video game. Kagome looked around her, still frowning. The trees and the ground beneath her looked real. Not a pixel in sight, and yet, as she gazed upward, watching the sky slowly faded from red to purple, she was sure that she was watching a computer screen of some sort.
"Be careful with that knife. It's small but it's sharp," Miroku warned, slowly entering the training space.
"What's… what's wrong with the sky?" Kagome asked.
He shrugged, "not sure. It's always been like that. Or… at least, as long as I can remember."
"It's… fake…"
"Yeah, this whole place is."
"But then why does it all feel real?" Kagome questioned, sliding the knife back in its holder.
Miroku shrugged again, "one of the mysteries of the Grid. We don't really want to test it that much to be honest. The pain is real and beyond that… I'm not sure it's really worth pursuing. At least, not at the moment."
Kagome looked up, noticing that the occasional pixel didn't fade into darkness but instead remained lit. A fake star in the fake sky. "I hate this place."
"It's not great," Miroku responded, walking over to her, his hands in his pockets. "I heard Inuyasha said some rude things to you."
'Nothing that wasn't at least partially true,' she thought bitterly. "He hates me."
"He doesn't hate you."
Kagome let her head roll to the side, giving him a skeptical look. "I know I'm a liability. I get why he's angry or, at least, I understand that his frustration is valid. I'm frustrated too."
"He's not good at showing it but he's worried about you."
Kagome scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Worried? If that's how he acts when he's worried I'd hate to see how he behaves when he genuinely cares for someone."
"We've watched a lot of people die in here. He doesn't want to watch that happen to you," asserted Miroku, watching her carefully, his tone soft, gentle even.
"Could've fooled me," Kagome mumbled, feeling a fresh round of tears begin to prick at the back of her eyes.
Miroku paused, his violet gaze examining her closely. "He's been in here for a long time, Kagome."
"How long?" She pressed, looking back at him.
He shrugged, "I can't count it in terms of years because I don't know the date-"
"It's September 11, 2022."
Miroku sucked in a loud, sharp breath and swallowed thickly. A hand running through his hair. It looked like the wind had been knocked out of him as his eyes glazed over for a minute while he blinked quickly before seemingly regaining his balance. "What?" He choked out.
Kagome's brows knit together, "Miroku… how… how long have you been in here?"
He paused, forcing his eyes closed as he pulled out the last date in his memory. "The last… the last date I remember was 2010."
Her mouth hung open, gaping at him as she did a double take. "You-you've been in here for over a decade?!"
She watched a self-deprecating smile mar his lips, "you know," Miroku began shaking his head, gaze still unfocused, "it's funny because that both feels like it's too long of a time and yet not nearly long enough. I feel like I've been in here five minutes and a hundred years."
"Are-are there seasons?" Kagome asked, hesitant to know the answer.
"No, the entire system… it's on a cycle. The temperature never shifts, this is just what it is. Night time is a little cooler and day time is a little warmer. Every fourteen days there are two days of rain storms and that's… that's basically it. Time is easily lost, forgotten." He shrugged at the end, the carefree nature of the action standing in stark contrast to the fear and shock Kagome felt budding within her.
"Don't you keep track?" Kagome pressed, suddenly aching to know what time it was in the outside world and desperate for a goddamn calendar.
"How?" Miroku laughed but it wasn't in joy or good fun. "We have no idea how to measure time in here. We just follow the schedules."
"How can you have schedules without clocks and what not though?" Her question was desperate. Time, the most precious resource. And in the Grid, they couldn't even tell how much they were losing.
"There are like… Because there are still routines," he explained, his hand gesturing toward the fake sky as he spoke. "Tomorrow, after training, I'll bring you to the Square and I'll show you how it works. For now though, why don't we go back to camp? I'm starving and I imagine you are too."
"I don't want to see Inuyasha right now," she admitted. No matter how good the idea of food sounded, even the notion of facing him again made her blood boil and heart ache.
"You have to face him sometime," Miroku replied.
"You voted this morning to put me on the trading floor," she commented. "I'm not too keen on you right now either."
"I did, I'll own up to that."
"Why?" Kagome hissed, surprised at the anger in her voice.
Miroku, to his credit, didn't seem surprised or even upset by it. If anything he looked partially amused. "Because, our main priority is protecting Shippo. Adding you to the mix means that we have three trained fighters and two, as Inuyasha puts it, 'dead weights.' As you learned today, it's hard to train healers. From a strategic standpoint, it made more sense for us to trade you so that you could go to a team that would have the time and resources to train you while we got an experienced healer and could keep our focus on making sure Shippo lives to see adolescence."
"You… you don't think you have the resources to train me?" Kagome asked, nervously.
"It's hard with a kid," Miroku continued. "But… we can't trade Shippo. If we do, another team will use him as bait and ignore him when he needs help. That's-that's what happens to kids in the Arena. They are bait for lower skilled players to earn quick points."
"Tha-that's terrible," she mumbled. "Am… am I… bait too?"
"Not on my watch," Miroku asserted, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Have faith in yourself and have faith in us, even Inuyasha. He talks a big game but he'll keep you safe. He'll just complain the whole time."
"But… he didn't keep Kikyo safe… how-how can I trust-"
"You want a better relationship with Inuyasha?" Miroku interrupted, "don't bring up Kikyo. Okay? He and her… they were… it doesn't matter. They had a different connection and that…" Miroku paused, chewing the inside of his cheek as he attempted to find a delicate way to phrase it.
Kagome waited for him to finish but as she did her mind conjured up images of him several years back, when he was a champion and his face lined every advertisement. "When… when did Inuyasha become involved with her?" She asked.
"Um…"
"Was it… was it around the time that, um… what's her face… the priestess with the white hair was winning a lot of matches?"
Miroku's head tilted to the side, as he thought before nodding. "Yeah, actually, around that time."
"So… when his performance started to…" Kagome stopped herself, biting on her lip as something became pieced together in her mind. Whatever happened between him and Kikyo, that had to have caused his decline. Or at least, that was her new working theory and it explained his cold response every time he mentioned her death. It was hard for her to imagine that Inuyasha wouldn't have noticed his own capabilities slipping.
'It must eat at him constantly,' Kagome realized.
Miroku waited, watching her closely. When it became clear that she had no intention of speaking her thoughts out loud, he gave her a final warning. "Don't mention her or whatever you were just thinking to Inuyasha. I'm telling you as your teammate and as, I hope, your friend. We all have our secrets and our vices. To survive in here we need to be mindful of our teammates and encouraging. Self-doubt is not your friend."
Kagome nodded.
"Trust us, including him. He'll come around."
"Is that because he doesn't have a choice unless Shippo agrees to trade me?" Kagome bit back.
Miroku grinned, "partially but also because I won't vote for it either. I like you. He thinks you're delicate. I think he sees a lot of Kikyo in you, too much of her if you want my opinion. I don't though… you're… you're a lot more like him than you think you are."
"I promise not to mention Kikyo to him anymore," Kagome began, "as long as you promise to never compare me to him again."
"Deal," he agreed, turning slowly to face the opening of the path. "Shall we? I'm sure Inuyasha has thoroughly ruined our dinner by now but we should still try to eat it."
"Is he a bad cook?" She asked, walking in step with Miroku.
"Oh terrible," he laughed. "You'd think after all the time we spent here he'd learn how to fucking roast a goddam fish. Nope!"
"Good to know," Kagome giggled.
"Ah, there we go!" He exclaimed. "The smile suits you more than the tears, my dear."
Kagome rolled her eyes, "sorry to break it to you but I don't think that's the last of my tears. Today was… awful."
"You can cry anywhere just not-"
"The Arena, yeah Sango told me."
"I was going to say in front of Inuyasha," he teased.
"Oh…"
Miroku wrapped an arm tenderly around her shoulders, giving her a quick side-hug before shoving his hands back in his pockets and walking beside her.
"I know this is a lot," he murmured, facing forward, a tender smile on his lips. "There's a lot to process and a lot more to learn."
Kagome nodded, worrying her lip. His words were both true and an understatement.
"We gotta take this day by day. We're all adjusting," he paused, looking at her quickly before bringing his gaze forward again. "It's not fair to ask but… give us a chance to show you that we are better than our worst days."
She nodded again. "Alright."
They meandered back leisurely, a semi-comfortable silence curling around them. It was then that she began to notice, to really notice, her environment.
It was quiet. Deafeningly quiet. Without the sounds of training or her teammates' voices, it was like walking through a vacuum. Not even a damn cricket. It was unsettling, reminding Kagome just how foreign of a place she was in.
She swallowed hard, her chest feeling tight again as the silence almost seemed to encourage her emotions to heave forward. All the thoughts and feelings she'd had since waking up, all of them slammed into her as she stepped back into the campsite.
Miroku patted her gently on the back and Kagome put on her fake smile. He didn't know her well enough to see it was a farce, to recognize that she was about to drown. Miroku merely smiled back, slipping away and grabbing a plate. She, too, quietly found a place around the fire.
Maybe the team had started some mindless chit chat, or maybe they all wordlessly ate, Kagome wouldn't know. She sank into her thoughts.
'2010…' She could tell them exactly where she was, what she was doing, the experiences she was about to embark on, all while Miroku had been in the Grid. Fear, shame, and embarrassment clawed up her stomach even as Kagome tried to swallow it down. She was too tired to beat back the thoughts that spilled in. 'I… may never get home…'
Kagome acted on autopilot, finishing her food, placing the tray on the log and wordlessly padding over to the sleeping quarters. She stared vacantly at her bed, a dead woman's bed, feeling her lip tremble. She swallowed harshly, pulling the covers aside and slipping into it.
Even as the others cleared the plates, put out the fire, and drifted to sleep all around her, Kagome remained awake. She stared at the concrete wall in front of her. Each thought a poison pill and far worse than the last, accumulating in her body.
'Grandpa… Sota… Mom…' She bit down hard on her lip, trying to stifle the quivering and to keep her sobs as quiet as possible.
For a brief second, she even missed Inuyasha's demeaning comments. Under the cover of dark, Kagome had nothing left to distract her from her thoughts or fears. She had wanted the truth and it screamed at her then.
Each quake of her chest and gentle cry sounded like thunder in her ears but she couldn't stop it. The images of her family and friends replayed like a vicious loop in her mind as it slowly sunk in that… Miroku hadn't seen his family in over a decade and that the others probably hadn't seen or heard from their families in just as long.
'I'll miss… I'll miss Sota growing up… I'll miss my mother growing older… I might even… I might never even see grandpa alive again…' Her tears soaked the lumpy pillow she shoved her face into to muffle the sounds, afraid of alerting her teammates.
As her body shuddered from the force of her sobs, Kagome felt a gentle weight fall across her. She pulled her face from the pillow and noticed a soft kimono had been draped over her.
She stared at it for a brief moment, before pulling it close, immediately falling in love with the scent it carried. It was like a crisp fall's walk through the woods, rich and natural but most of all… it was real. Kagome drank it in, wrapping herself in it like it was her first breath of life. It felt like the embrace she hadn't realized she was so desperate for all day.
She turned, sapphire eyes examining the dark space around her. Sango was facing the wall closest to her, chest rising and falling in steady, even breaths. Miroku was also fast asleep, sprawled out in his bed, limbs hanging over the side. Shippo lay curled next to Sango, his tail twitching every so often. But Inuyasha… he wasn't there.
Kagome looked back down at the kimono she clutched tightly in her hands. She wanted to toss it off her and drop it on his bed, a signal that she didn't need or want his kindness, to show him that she could be strong. Instead, Kagome pulled it closer, burying her face in the deceptively soft fibers and closed her eyes.