Author's Note:We get hints here and there of Barba's childhood. He never outright says that his father was abusive, but it was heavily implied. I have developed this headcannon that Rafael often holds people at a distance to protect himself. It was clear from The Undiscovered Country that the Householder case brought a lot of memories back up. I thought I would explore the impact of that on Barba, and the fallout afterwards.

"Carisi, you look exhausted."

Sonny sat on the sofa in Benson's office, briefing his lieutenant up to speed on his latest case. He was leaned forward, elbows planted on his knees, and was focused and giving her the information she needed. But he could not hide the shadows under his eyes, the slump of his shoulders, or the fatigue in his face.

He hesitated, eyeing Olivia contemplatively. She was his partner's best friend. She knew all that Rafael had been through the last few weeks and had stood by them both as they had gone through the hell of his arrest and trial.

"Hang on a sec," Carisi finally said, and stood to close the door. With a heavy sigh, he sank back down on the sofa.

"It's personal, then, not the case," Liv said with sympathy. "Barba?"

"He's struggling," he replied with a nod. "He feels guilty over the baby and his parents, but…Liv there's something else that is eating at him." He stared at the floor for a moment, considering how much of Barba's confidence he was about to break. "How much has he told you about his dad?"

"His father?" Olivia seemed to consider that. "I've met his mom, of course, but he doesn't say much about his father at all."

"And he won't, because he hated the man," Sonny retorted. "From everything Rafael and Lucia have both told me, he was an abusive son of a bitch. But seven years ago, when he ended up in a diabetic coma and brain dead, it was Rafi who had to make the decision on whether or not to pull the plug." He blew out a breath. "And he kept the machines on for weeks."

"Which is why that case hit him so hard," Liv breathed. "Oh Rafa."

"He's really quiet," Carisi continued. "Doesn't go out much. Has trouble sleeping. I'm worried about him, Liv."

"Do you think he would go to a therapist? I can send him to mine."

He shot her a skeptical look. "Do you honestly think his stubborn Cuban ass would go see a shrink?"

"No, but it would be really entertaining to watch the verbal sparring matches he and Dr. Lindstrom would have." Olivia smiled. "Carisi, do you need more time off? If you need to be with him…"

"Right now, I don't know what he needs," Sonny admitted. "I know he is hurting, and I want to help him, but he won't talk to me. Hell," he added with a helpless shrug, "I don't even think he knows what he needs."

"And if you push him—" she began.

"—He'll clam up even tighter," he finished. "The work is good for me, Lieu. It helps me to get out of the apartment, and I think it gives Rafi some time and space." He smiled wistfully. "He's not going to push me away. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just trying to figure out…" Sonny trailed off, groping for the right words.

"…your new normal." She moved from her desk to sit next to him. "He is too. This was a hard situation for him, and his whole career has been derailed. But you both will get through this, Carisi. You have each other." She smiled. "And you have us."

Despite his years of working as a cop and getting calls at all hours of the night, Sonny was a surprisingly heavy sleeper. As a teen, his mother had often remarked he could have slept through the detonation of a nuclear bomb. While he no longer slept quite that heavily, it still took a lot to pull him to wakefulness.

So it was a surprise when such a small, soft moan woke him up.

Disoriented, he glanced at his phone and found that it was almost four in the morning, and it was not a call that woke him. Frowning, he then peered across the bed to his partner.

It was not unusual for Rafael to seek his own side of the bed in the night, even when they fell asleep tangled together. Sonny tended to sprawl when he was deeply asleep, and the older man liked his space. What was out of the ordinary was that Rafael was curled tightly into a ball, his brow furrowed deeply in restless sleep.

Sonny studied him, almost afraid to breathe. At length, he pushed himself up to sit next to him and reached over a gentle hand to smooth back his hair.

Rafael flinched. "No…" he mumbled.

Concern welled up as Sonny touched his shoulder. "Babe?" he whispered softly.

The brows deepened. "Don't…"

Sonny traced the back of his hand along Rafael's jawline. "Rafi? Hey, babe, come on."

Instinctively Barba shoved at Carisi's hand and jerked away. "Para! No la lastimes!"

Sonny's heart twisted. He was nowhere close to being fluent in Spanish, but he had picked up enough from living with Rafael to have the basic idea of what he had said.

Stop it! Don't hurt her!

"Rafael," Sonny reached over to switch on his bedside lamp, then reached over to rub his partner's bare shoulder to try and wake him. "Babe, come on. You need to wake up."

"Dejala sola!" Again Barba knocked him away, retreating farther away towards the edge of the bed.

Fearful he would fall off the edge, Sonny grabbed his arm. "Rafael!"

This was precisely the wrong move to make.

Rafael let out what Sonny could only describe as a growl, and began to fight. Furiously, the older man began kicking and punching at the detective, who let out a startled yelp.

"Hey, stop it!" Sonny cried. For the briefest of moments he was grateful for his years of training and experience in dodging flying fists. Even so, Rafael managed to connect one to Sonny's cheek.

Determined not to give up, Sonny closed the space between them and wrapped both his arms and his legs around Rafael. "Rafi," he murmured into his hair. "Come on, now, it's me. It's Sonny. I've got you, but you need to wake up." Rafael continued to fight, but Carisi could feel the steam beginning to run out. "That's it," he murmured. "I've got you. You are safe, Rafael. You're safe."

Abruptly, he felt the fight drain. "S-Sonny?"

"Yeah," he said hoarsely. "Yeah, babe, it's me." He felt Rafael pulling back and eased his grip. "You were havin' a bad dream. I had to wake you up."

Rafael sat up, the blankets pooling around his waist. Panting, he looked blearily around the room and tried to pull himself out of the dream and back into reality. "I—" he stammered. "I was—"

Carisi gently rested a fingertip on his lips. "I know what you were dreaming about," he said tenderly. He hesitated. "You were talkin' in your sleep."

"W-What did I say?"

"…You told him not to hurt her."

Rafael tucked his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and dropped his forehead to hide his face.

"Rafael," Sonny said, his voice filled with comfort and tenderness. "Babe, look at me."

Reluctantly he did so, and his eyes locked on Sonny's aching cheek. "Did I hit you?" he blurted out. "Dominick, I—"

"Hey, hey, hey," he cut him off, putting a hand to his cheek. Jesus, he's ice cold. "Rafi, I am fine. It's okay. You were panicked, and you were dreamin'. I tried yellin' your name to wake you up, which was absolutely the wrong thing to do." With his hands on Rafael's shoulders he could feel him trembling, and so he pulled him into his arms. "Take a deep breath. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I'm sorry," Rafael whispered. "Sonny, I don't know—"

"Rafael," Sonny cut him off, his voice firm but soft. "I am okay, and you didn't do anything wrong," he repeated. "You're safe, sweetheart. And I've got you."

And with that, Rafael fell apart.

Sonny had known the storm was coming for weeks, since the night he had picked Rafael up from central holding. He couldn't push it. He couldn't force it. He could only sit and watch and wait for it to come. And when it finally did, he just held on and let his partner cling to him as tightly as he needed while the emotions poured out.

Rafael's whole body shook with deep, gulping, hiccupping sobs. Sonny rested his cheek against the top of his head and whispered soft endearments and reassurances, encouraging him to let it out. "I've got you. I'm not going anywhere."

Ultimately, as any storm will do, the torrent blew itself out and, completely spent, Rafael melted against him. Sonny continued to hold him for several minutes, stroking his back. He found his own cheeks were wet, heart breaking for Rafael. Eventually, he eased the older man back against the pillows and smiled when Rafael peered up at him with exhausted, red-rimmed eyes.

"Better?" he asked, quietly.

Rafael shook his head. "No," he said on a whisper.

"Hang on a sec," Sonny replied, and climbed out of the bed. "I'll be right back."

He strode to the bathroom, leaving Rafael with some privacy for a few moments. When he returned, he handed Rafael two ibuprofen and a glass of water. "Here," he said. "You're gonna have a headache after all that."

"Thank you," Barba managed. He sat up and took the pills, then collapsed again.

Sonny took a wet washcloth and carefully wiped his tearstained face. "My ma used to do this for me when I was a kid and cryin'," he explained. "Helped me feel better." Flushing, he turned away. "It's probably stupid, but—"

"No," Rafael interrupted. "It helps." Sighing, he rubbed his face with his hands. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

Sonny set the cloth aside and climbed back into bed next to him. "I have been waiting for that to happen for weeks." He smoothed a lock of hair off Rafael's forehead. "You've had a lot going on in that big brain of yours, and you needed to let out some of the emotion that goes with it."

Rafael nodded. "I was dreaming about my dad," he managed.

Sonny nodded. "I figured. I'm sure what happened with Drew brought his memory to the surface."

"It was bad when I was a little kid, but when I got older, I couldn't stand what he did to Mom anymore. And so I would try and step between them." He snorted bitterly. "Then it got a hell of a lot worse."

"From what your ma has told me," Sonny said quietly, "if the sonuvabitch wasn't already dead, I might make him that way."

"No, you wouldn't," Barba argued.

"Wouldn't I?" Sonny leaned over and gently kissed his forehead. "He hurt you, Rafi. And he keeps hurting you."

He heaved a shuddering sigh. "I try really hard not to think about him," he said. "I try to compartmentalize, put it on a shelf, and forget about it. But…"

"You can only do that for so long." Sonny traced a fingertip along his cheek. "It will eat at you." He paused, considering his next words carefully. "Liv suggested today that maybe you should talk to someone."

"You mean like a therapist?" Despite his exhaustion and emotional upheaval, Rafael shot him a dubious look.

"And I told her that would be your response." Sonny chuckled. "And she agreed with me." He sobered slowly. "But babe, I want you to think about it."

"I'll think about it," Barba said in a tone that reminded Carisi amusingly of his mother, Lucia. "But no promises."

Carisi slid his arms around him and pulled him close. This time, Rafael didn't resist and instead rested his cheek against Sonny's chest and allowed himself the comfort. They lay there quietly for a few minutes, Sonny listening to the sound of Rafael's breathing. "Do you want me to take some time off?" he finally asked quietly.

Barba lifted his head in confusion. "Didn't you just take time off for the trial?"

"Yeah, but Liv offered more if needed," he said, and dropped his forehead to Rafael's. "We could take a vacation or something? Get out of town and rest?" He smiled. "Maybe somewhere warm where we can lounge on the beach."

"That…honestly sounds kind of amazing." Rafael closed his eyes. "Let me think about it. Right now, I just can't form a coherent thought."

"You're exhausted." Sonny released him just enough to reach backwards and switch off the bedside lamp. "Just lay there. Relax. Try to get some sleep. I promise, I'm not goin' anywhere."

Sonny's alarm woke him at six-thirty, and he quickly grabbed his phone and turned it off before it could wake Rafael. He glanced down quickly and found that he was still sound asleep. His arms were wrapped around Sonny's waist, their legs tangled together under the blankets. The obvious need and vulnerability tugged at Carisi's heartstrings, and he gently pressed a kiss to the older man's forehead. Carefully, slowly, he extracted himself from his partner's embrace, pulled the blankets up tighter around him, and padded out of the room.

Scrolling through his phone, he located a number and dialed it.

"Benson."

"Hey, Liv, sorry for bothering you so early," he said. He stood at the windows in the living room, looking out over the city. "Look, I'm not going to make it in today. Rafael, he—" He paused and glanced down the hall. "It was a bad night."

"Is he okay?" she asked, quietly.

"Not really, if I'm being honest." He dragged his fingers through his hair. "I think everything caught up with him. He had a bad dream and that set him into a spiral, and…" He sighed. "The good news is the dam finally broke. But he's absolutely knackered, and I think I need to stick around today."

"Do what you need to, Carisi. What he needs you to. We'll be fine." She paused. "Give him my love, and if you need anything, call me."

"We will, Liv. Thanks."

That taken care of, Sonny returned quietly to their bedroom. He eased into the bed as carefully as possible, and once he was safely under the covers, he again slid his arms comfortingly around his partner.

This time, Rafael did stir. He nuzzled into Sonny's chest. "Love you," he murmured drowsily, and then settled back to sleep.

Sonny smiled. "Love you, too."

Carisi was back up around ten. He grabbed a shower, dressed casually in sweats and an ancient Islanders t-shirt, and padded down to the kitchen to make some coffee. He then spent a productive couple of hours taking care of a few household tasks until Rafael stumbled down the hall just after noon.

"Why did you let me sleep so late?" he asked blearily, reaching immediately for the coffee pot.

"Because you were absolutely drained, and this is the first time you have really slept in weeks," Sonny replied. "You needed it, and I wasn't about to interrupt. You didn't even stir both times I got out of bed today." He stepped over, rested his hands on Rafael's waist, and leaned down to kiss him tenderly. "How do you feel?"

"Um…" Barba thought about it. "Disconnected, honestly. Numb. Depleted."

"I took the day off," Sonny said. "We can do whatever you want. And Liv sends her love." He kissed him once more, and turned towards the counter. "In the meantime…" He picked up a plate off of the counter and passed it to him.

Rafael eyed the Cubano sandwich hungrily. "Where did you get that?"

"We live in New York. You can have just about anything you want delivered at just about any time of day you want it. I thought you could use come comfort food."

They spent the afternoon on the couch, with Rafael tucked under a blanket. For the first time, he really began to open up to Sonny about things that had happened with his father years ago. His stories were hesitant and halting, but he told them. And Sonny sat quietly and listened, letting him get them out and in the open.

In the end, they did decide to take a few days of vacation. Barba reluctantly agreed a few days away would do them both some good. They settled on Key West since it would be warm—though almost anywhere was warmer than New York that time of year. They spent some time making the arrangements, though to Sonny the idea of "arrangements" was foreign. His idea was to just throw some swim trunks in a bag and find the first flight, but Barba had insisted on finding the right tickets and a good resort, and playfully called Sonny a savage.

The light-hearted banter did Carisi's heart a world of good.

That evening, they were lounging on the couch together and watching the TV when the doorbell rang. Rafael glanced up, puzzled. "The doorman didn't call up."

Carisi's brow furrowed. "No, he didn't. And I didn't order anything in." Barba was leaning against his side, and he sat up so that the detective could stand and answer the door. Cautiously, he peered through the peephole and immediately smiled. "What are you two doing here?" he asked as he opened the door for Benson and Rollins.

"We wanted to check on Barba," Rollins replied. "And we brought dinner."

Olivia strode in and offered a paper takeout bag to Barba. "Takeout steak and potatoes from Forlini's."

Rafael eyed her. "If I weren't already in a committed homosexual relationship with your employee, I might ask you to marry me right now."

She laughed and set the bag down. "How are you feeling?"

"You all act like I'm sick," he grumbled.

"It's seven in the evening and you're in your pajamas and under a blanket on the couch," Amanda retorted. "It's kind of like you are."

"I'm okay." He offered them a tired but reassuring smile. "I'm feeling…" He paused to consider it. "Fragile, I suppose is the right word. And that makes me uncomfortable and more apt to retreat into my shell and hide so that no one becomes aware that I do have actual emotions."

"He slept half the day," Sonny added. "It's the first time he really has in a few weeks."

"Liv said you two are heading to the Keys," Amanda said. "That'll be a nice rest and change of scenery."

"Yeah," Barba said with a slight smile. "It'll be wonderful."

They made small talk for a few more minutes before Sonny made quiet, protective noises about Barba being tired and Olivia and Amanda made their departure. And he wasn't exaggerating. Rafael was visibly wilting by the time they exited the apartment.

"Come on," Sonny said, digging into the takeout bag. "Let's get some food into you."

"Dominick?"

He looked up. Rafael didn't use his given name liberally, and so when he did, he was sure to pay attention. "Yeah, babe?"

"Thank you for being here for me," Barba said quietly. "I know I can be a prickly ass sometimes but…I am grateful for you."

Softening, Sonny set down the bag and leaned over. He gathered Rafael into his arms and pulled him into his lap. "As long as you need me, there is nowhere else I'd rather be."

"Dominick," Rafael murmured and kissed him deeply. "I think I will always need you."