Downstairs, Mr. James and Catherine were checking the dining room's ventilation system, Matthew was annoying Joe with his plastic tentacles, Max was enjoying a snifter of brandy, while Beth was double-checking her makeup when they heard the screaming.

"What the hell?" Joe frowned. "Is that Dave and Lisa?"

"Good God, what could they be doing up there?" Max pondered with a shake of his head.

They all shared a knowing look before wincing in horror at the images that now popped into their heads.

"Ewww!"

"Oh, God, can't they keep their hands off each other?"

"Disgusting, just disgusting."

"Hmm," Mr. James grinned knowingly, swaying around the dining table, now visibly blue from the cold. "Right on, right on, right on," he murmured as he plopped down onto a nearby armchair, deeply satisfied.

…

"What the hell?!" Dave screamed as he slid wildly through the darkness, dimly aware that he was going down, and that somewhere behind him was Lisa, careening and shouting as loudly as he was.

"I don't know!" Lisa cried back.

Suddenly, whatever they were sliding on fell away, and for a brief moment Dave hurtled through open air before plummeting down and landing in something soft and dusty that definitely smelled of mold. Dave absently guessed a couch as he felt around. He had just started to sit up and get a hold of his new surroundings when Lisa landed right on top of him, hard, just as the remnants of the bed, mattress and frame and all, smashed to the ground right next to them, missing their heads by mere inches.

"Ow," Dave whimpered in pain from beneath a moaning Lisa, both grimacing in pain. "Gee, I didn't know this was a ride…Ugh. Lisa, are you okay?"

"I'm fine…though I think my spleen's in my lung," she replied, rolling around until she could look him straight in the eye. "What about you?"

"I think I can kiss my spine goodbye. Other than that, eh…" They sat up, their joints cracking and aching, stretching out their arms and legs. "Where are we?"

"My first guess? The Black Lagoon…" Lisa shuddered as she lifted up her right hand, covered in a black slime that dripped and oozed. "Yuck!" She wiped her hand on the couch, coughing lightly from the clouds of dust that floated in the air.

There was a dim light coming from somewhere, allowing both Dave and Lisa a little bit of visibility in their murky surroundings. They were in the basement, that much was certain. In one corner sat the defunct furnace, a gargantuan edifice of oxidized iron, while discarded junk lay everywhere they looked. A staircase near them led up into the darkness towards God knew where. They were both covered in dust, grime and cobwebs, with Dave sporting a decent bruise on his forehead. As Lisa stood up and tried to brush off her clothes, she noticed Dave crouching and crawling over the floor, muttering and cursing.

"Dave? What's wrong?" She asked.

"The ring! I lost the ring!"

"Oh, shit!" She'd almost forgotten in the commotion – Dave on one knee, the box in one hand, about to ask her a specific question. The thought made her momentarily giddy – before she remembered what was going on and started digging in the junk alongside him.

"You know, when I got the idea to ask you to marry me," Dave said as he ripped the cushions off the crumbling couch, "this was definitely not what I had in mind for a romantic proposal."

"Well, it's the thought that counts," Lisa commented.

"Not when the ring cost eight thousand dollars," Dave added sullenly.

"What?!" Lisa gaped in shock. "You spent eight thousand dollars on an engagement ring?!" She exclaimed.

Dave nodded, flinching in anticipation of what was to come. "Yes…"

To his surprise, Lisa smiled brightly and kissed him quickly. "God, I love you!"

They were too busy rummaging through the garbage to see that they were not alone in the basement anymore. The figure stood in the shadows, watching them carefully, enjoying as they scurried about frantically. Well, its not exactly the work of a 'psychotic villain', but it sure is devious, the figure thought as Dave suddenly dived within the pile of shattered brass and crumpled mattress. I think its high time I revealed myself…

"Do you guys need some help?" The figure said aloud as they walked out of the shadows.

They both jumped at the sudden appearance of the new voice, turning in the direction from which it had come. Lisa saw who it was first, paled visibly and could only stammer nonsensical words in shock. Dave followed her gaze and felt every fiber of his being freeze up, alongside a cold feeling of utmost dread. No, no, no, not him! Anybody but him! Hell, I'll take Bill's damned grandfather's ghost over him!

"Johnny?!" He screeched.

Standing before them was Lisa's supposedly incarcerated ex-husband, Johnny Johnson, still clad in a bright orange jumpsuit.

"Hi, Dave. Hi, sweetheart."

…

"Hey, Jimmy?"

"Yeah, Catherine, what's up?" Mr. James rejoined Catherine in the den, having finally given in and put on the extra pair of pants that he'd brought just in case, as well as a heavy overcoat.

"Do these belong to you?" Catherine held up a pair of leg shackles, frowning in disapproval.

Mr. James eyed the pair distastefully. "Don't you people know me by now? I never use a cheap product like that."

"What…?" Beth walked in, unsure of the scene before her. "Oooh, okay, nope, nope, I already covered for Dave and Lisa when they first started dating, I am not doing this!"

"I just found these by the window over there!" Catherine cried.

"Well, they're not mine!" Beth held up her hands defensively.

"I didn't say they were!"

"Well, they're not mine!" Joe said as he and Matthew came up, joined by a curious Max.

"I know for a fact that they aren't mine," Max said. "I left my pair at home."

For a moment everyone stared at Max with a mixture of revulsion and astonishment before returning to the matter at hand. "Well, they're definitely not Matthew's," Mr. James said, as everyone nodded in agreement, Matthew smiling proudly. "So who the hell's are they?"

It was at that point that the front door slammed open and Roger rushed in, looking frazzled. "Mr. James, we have a problem!"

"Roger, what happened to 'no unlocking the front door until morning', huh?" Mr. James scowled.

"I just got a phone call from the New York Police Department, they've been trying to get in contact with Miss Miller, and since I'm her lawyer too-" Roger said.

"Did she break into another postal office to get her test results again?" Beth snorted. Max looked at her in confusion. "I'll tell you later, bud," Beth whispered conspiratorially.

"No, her ex-husband Johnny Johnson escaped from prison," Roger said, placing his hands on his hips.

"WHAT?!" Everyone exclaimed in disbelief.

"Well, shit," Mr. James frowned. Then he looked around at everyone, taking in their appearances. "Okay, where the hell are Dave and Lisa?"

No one spoke for a moment. Then, their faces pull of panic – save for Catherine, who just looked confused – they all scattered, with Mr. James pulling a reluctant Roger along with him.

"Of all the nights for this to happen!" Mr. James grumbled as he and Roger rushed upstairs. "Damn!"

…

"Johnny," Lisa said weakly, finally finding her voice again after the initial shock wore off. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in…in…?"
"Prison," Dave finished, a steely edge to his tone. "He should be in prison."

"I'll handle this, Dave," Lisa hissed to him through clenched teeth. "Johnny, do you mean to tell me that you…you escaped?"

Johnny gazed up and down at himself, then back to Lisa. "Yes, I did. I kind of thought that was obvious."

"And why did you break out of prison?" Dave questioned harshly. "Surely the food wasn't that bad."

"Dave!"

"No, it's a fair question, Lisa. And no, Dave, it wasn't the food," Johnny said. "I escaped so I could win back the love of my life…."

"Your evil genius?" Dave answered, a tinge of hopeful eagerness in his voice.

"No, Dave, I gave up being evil long ago, you know that. I'm talking about this lovely goddess here," Johnny said, moving closer to Lisa with a loving look in his eye. Dave squirmed where he stood, noticeably uncomfortable, while Lisa gulped, her brown eyes bugging out of her skull.

"Of course you are," Dave exhaled, kicking aimlessly at some debris at his feet. "Oh, look, a nice wooden stake. Here, somebody shove this through my heart."

Lisa eyed him in concern. "Dave!"

"What? It's either this or the good old-fashioned insane jealousy, which one would you prefer?"

"Come here, you!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him roughly towards her, taking his hand in hers before turning back to face her ex-husband. "Johnny, I thought we talked this out months ago. We got married way, way too soon, you stole the wedding ring and then was arrested for it literally right after we said 'I Do', it…"

"Oh, don't forget he tried to put Mr. James in jail," Dave said, feeling like that simple fact should be mentioned. "I feel like that is very, very important."

Lisa shushed him abruptly and turned back to Johnny, who remained stoic. "Johnny, it just didn't work out between us. And Dave and I are together now. For good. Please, you should turn yourself in now, for everyone's sakes."

Suddenly, the basement door opened, and Beth poked her red-haired head in. Noticing the tense scene in the space below, she called out to the others, "Hey! They're in the basement! And Johnny's here too!"

"Hi Beth!" Johnny called cheerfully.

"Hi Johnny!" Beth waved back timidly. Then everyone was marching down the stairs, practically pushing Beth down against her will, all clamoring and yelling until, finally, everyone was in the basement, panting heavily.

"Johnny, what the hell are you doing here?" Mr. James panted heavily.

"I can't believe you broke out of prison, dude," Joe said, walking up to him. "Respect!"

"No, no respect!" Dave gawked. "He broke out of a maximum-security prison! There should be no respect there!"

"Whatever, dude," Joe scoffed.

"Oh my God, are we accessories after the fact?!" Matthew hyperventilated, while Catherine floated up to Johnny and examined him closely before facing Lisa.

"Good God, Lisa," Catherine said, "I can see why you didn't waste any time with this one. Nice to meet you, Johnny, Catherine Duke."

"Nice to finally meet you, Catherine, Lisa told me a lot about you," Johnny gave her a brilliant grin, receiving a snicker of delight.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, she's just as bad as you were," Dave said to Lisa, who was rolling her eyes at the scene. "And as bad as Max…currently…oh, Lord…"

Max rushed forward and embraced Johnny tightly, throwing his arms around the tall man's huge frame and sobbing hysterically. "I've…missed…you…so…much!" He wailed unashamedly as Johnny patted him on the back.

"Oh, Max, I've missed you too, buddy," Johnny chuckled.

Dave lowered his head, rubbing his eyes. Good grief, what a hellish night this turned out to be… "Lisa, I don't mean to whine, but can we just go home now? Everyone else can handle this. I mean, they'll handle it very, very badly but at least we'll be at home…"

"Dave," Lisa scowled before she was swept up in everyone else's swarm around Johnny, leaving Dave alone by the crickety wooden stairs, looking befuddled.

"Okay, I give up. If anyone needs me, I'll be outside, waiting for someone to remember that I exist… Maybe calling the cops!"

"No service out here, pumpkin!" Mr. James reminded him.

"Damn!"

…

Dave marched out onto the patio and stomped down the stairs into the harsh cold of a New Hampshire winter, thankful for the fact that he wore boots as he aimlessly made footprints in the foot high snow. Lisa followed shortly after, calling to him. "Dave! Come back here!"

"Nope! Not until everyone stops acting like insane people!"

"You and I both know that that's a hollow hope, Dave!" Lisa yelled back.

"Well, I guess I'm going to freeze!" Dave said, turning back momentarily with a sardonic grin. He didn't notice the uneven patch in the snow where the snow was lighter in thickness and appearing much lighter. He stepped onto it without a second thought, ignoring Lisa's pleas for him to get back inside the house.

Then the thin layer of ice cracked under his weight, and Dave plummeted down into an all-encompassing world of darkness, feeling nothing else but the cold.

"DAVE!"