One Last Time

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is AU; Kate's mom is alive, still happily married to Jim.! The experiment of Kate and Rick living together, happily ever after is killed when she takes the Fed job only 7 months into their coupling. Only to return to New York 13 months later, BUT Rick isn't there.

I don't own Castle; I only use the characters for amusement purposes, except the ones I create.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks. A different outcome from Watershed, at least for now. No Guarantee this will be Caskett Ending, but leaning that way now.

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Chapter 3

Columbia University

New York

Present Day

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A/N: NOTE Warning, Character Death this chapter, get the tissues ready.

As her life faded into one long day of the same ole same ole day in and day out during her days, her nights wouldn't allow her the same comfort. Even after three years the sharp, stabbing pain she felt when her brain kicked back into gear and realized what she had done, that hurt wasn't gone but had faded into a sort of dull ache she carried around with her daily.

The pain or ache, perhaps the empty feeling was much like his memory that never left her and she knew that this was the best she could hope for, the best she could have. Dr. Burke gave her two choices, accept it as the result of life's decision or forever beat herself up for something she couldn't undo, and eventually drive herself crazy.

With time and Dr. Burke's help she finally began to settle for it, to make the pain her friend, and make do with her lot in life. After all, it was better than some people ever do. She would still like to shoot the person who coined the phrase, it's better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all, what a line of shit. It made her wonder if Alfred, Lord Tennyson was drunk or high when he penned In Memoriam A. H. H.

She had worked with Dr. Burke several sessions each week to accept the positives and push away the negative thoughts. At least she had found the love of her life, even if she was too blind to know it at the time, it was still more than so many people in life ever do. The hurt of knowing it was all within her grasp, all meaning getting married, having children, and building the life together she once dreamed of having was the source of the pain, and emptiness. She knew why she felt like she did, but still had no concrete answer on how to make things right.

She had loved, she had lost, again, and she was damn sure she wouldn't feel this empty if she had kept her heart sealed with her walls. She would still argue with Alfred Lord Tennyson that things had changed and sometimes it was better not to have felt the deep emotional love, not if the hurt was twice as deep. There was another old saying, she began to believe in more each day, Love truly was a double edge sword, and as deeply as you love you could hurt twice as much.

She remembered stories as a little girl about her prince charming, at least she knew that he was real, at least in her life, and she didn't have to imagine what he might look like because she knew, his face was forever etched in her memory. She had seen the width of his shoulders, the way his lips curved, and the corners of his deep blue eyes that reached to his soul when he smiled.

Dr. Burke challenged her to treat her broken heart as if it were a case, and take the same thought process on how to find the conclusion that would bring her at least contentment, if not love.

"Kate, you can't wish someone in or out of your life, especially under these circumstances. YOU were the battering ram that destroyed the initial relationship; therefore, YOU must be the one to make things right between you and Mr. Castle." He said as he peered over his glasses,

"But what if he won't see me, or accept my apology, or my effort to try to start again?" She asked as she lowered her head,

"You've gone from the prelims to the main event, to the post analysis, and you haven't even thought of what you would say to him. Kate, you'll never know IF or WHAT Mr. Castle may do until you ask, or try." He replied without looking up from his pad, where he was writing.

"You're right Doctor Burke, thanks, I have more work to do on me, to see how brave, or how much his love means to me. Am I ready to face the same or worse humiliation that he faced? I honestly don't know, and I won't approach him until I am." She said and wiped her eye.

"Kate, I'm proud of you, that answer would never have come from the Kate Beckett I met after her shooting. Now remember I am out of town for the next two weeks, available by cell phone for emergencies, so please give this some deep reflection." He said, then added, "I'll see you in a few weeks."

Kate made her exit, thinking at least someone was proud of her, well that wasn't fair, many were. She had to sit on the secret for Gates, it was killing her, not to be able to tell Lanie, or maybe Maddie, or even both, but in time.

Johanna Beckett had a way of wearing you down, case in point, she had kept on requesting Kate be her guest lecturer for over a month now, and when the subject of Women in Law Enforcement and the Miranda Rights, how this came to be standard procedure from a Cop's perspective she pounced.

Johanna went at her with intensity, and finally, to shut her up, Kate agreed to do it, under one condition. That Johanna would NEVER bring up Jimmy Yates again, EVER, he hadn't been the reason she joined the Police Academy rather than sit for the New York Bar Exam no matter how many times she tried to explain it to her mother.

FLASHBACK TWO WEEKS AFTER GRADUATION FROM LAW SCHOOL

Kate had been at a party, celebrating not only the END of just a college semester, but she had her law degree now, all that remained was for her to study and pass the New York Bar Exam, then possibly join either her Dads or Mother's firm to get started. Everyone was having a great time, until one girl got a call, and fainted. She was rushed by ambulance to Presbyterian Hospital ER, where her friends rushed to support her.

They didn't know at the time that that her brother lay dying in the next cubicle; the victim of a robbery gone wrong at the family store. The robber had netted 14 dollars, some change, and some cigarettes he could carry. Jimmy had been filling in for his little sister to attend the party, he wasn't even scheduled to work, and to be shot six times for such a small amount of cash made no sense.

When the doctors figured out the connection between the two patients, they stepped out to the waiting room and asked if anyone knew James Yates. They were met with almost everyone acknowledging that he was a great guy, just a year or so older than them. He was taking care of his younger sister since his parents were in Europe visiting relatives who were sick.

Dr. Munoz asked, "Which one of you would you say knows Jimmy the best?"

All of the crowd pointed to Kate, they had dated a few times, nothing serious, but he was a really sweet man, very considerate.

"Can I speak to you in private, Miss,"

"It's Beckett, but call me Kate, what's going on, why are you asking about Jimmy? Isn't Phyllis, his sister your patient?" the look that came over the young ER Doctor's face was one Kate would never forget

"Both are, Kate, Jimmy is one cubicle over fighting for his life, he's been shot six times in a robbery gone wrong," the young doctor got out. "Would you know how to contact his parents?"

"Yeah, I mean yes, I have their number, how is Phyllis?" Kate asked,

"Well, she's in shock, we think someone called and told her about Jimmy, that's when she crumbled to the floor, and you folks wisely called the EMTs." He said,

"Could I see Jimmy, I promise only for a moment, I just need a minute with him, please?" Kate pleaded

"Follow me," Dr. Munoz said as he took her hand and went a back way to the room to avoid the friends that continued to build in the waiting room,

Kate gasped when she saw the tall, good-looking boy, who had taken two dates just to kiss her goodnight, he was so shy,

She walked up to the bed and took his hand, "Jimmy, it's Kate, I'm here with you, hang on, I'm right here," she pulled his hand to her lips and gently kissed it, his eyes fluttered slightly, opened and his smile was instantaneous.

"Kate" he got out, almost in a whisper,

"Shh, don't try to talk, Jimmy, save your strength, I'm right here, I won't leave you I promise." She said as she brushed the hair from his eyes gently,

"Kate, we both know the score, hey, you know I was crazy about you, take care of Sis, please?"

"Yeah, I knew you were, me too, about you, just so you know, of course, I'll take care of Phyllis until you get home," she tried to keep his spirits up, but she noticed the doctors were more active,

She caught the doctor's eyes, and it was the saddest face she had ever seen,

"Jimmy, hang on, you have to hang on," his eyes were flickering again, so she did the only thing she could think of, she kissed him, and he smiled his last time.

"Kate, find someone who can kiss as good as you," then his eyes closed, sounds from all kinds of machines were going off, and she was pushed out to the waiting room, a few minutes later Dr. Munoz walked out, and just sad, "I'm sorry Kate, he's gone," as she broke down and fell into his arms crying.

Jimmy Yates was one of the sweetest people on this earth, and now he was gone, WHY? She kept asking herself the same thing over and over, but never got an answer. Three weeks later, she saw an advertisement on late-night TV that would change the course of not only her life but many others.

It was a short commercial, about making a difference, and careers were available with the NYPD, and the website. She had already been accepted into the September class before she broke the news to her parents, it didn't go over so well, well that was an understatement, especially from her Mom.

Mom versus Daughter was a hell of a match, but Kate was just as stubborn as Johanna, she entered the academy, in memory of Jimmy Yates, not because of him as scheduled, and moved into her own apartment, another argument with Johanna, not so much with her dad.

No one would ever understand that yes, she loved Jimmy but as a friend, he had been the first since Brent Edwards to kiss her. In a way, he helped her get over the hurt, and begin to live her life again. She knew that she wanted to try to stop people like the scumbag who killed Jimmy, one case at a time. She had only pursued her law degree to appease her Mom, now she was making her own life choices, regardless if Johanna approved of them or not.

PRESENT TIME

Columbia University

Two Days Later

She had just started her lecture, the room was packed, and her mom had failed to tell her it was in the auditorium. Her first clue was when the nerdy young man from IT Services came in and attached her microphone to her sweater, so she could be heard. What the hell was he talking about she thought but accompanied him to do sound checks? It took some adjustments since she usually didn't speak louder than necessary, but the lecture would require more volume.

Everything was going great, the first 15 minutes of the lecture proved to be unchallenging, but then disaster hit. Sitting in the corner seat, center, 15th row up was one Alexis Castle, a little older than the last time she had seen her. She would know that hair if she were looking at it from the moon.

Kate coughed and took a moment to get a drink of water trying to compose herself. She could get through this, hell she faced murderers for a living, Alexis was just a young lady. She stumbled over a few words as those blue eyes, the same shade she had seen in her dreams so many nights locked onto her eyes.

She paused, deliberately broke eye contact with Alexis, drew in a deep breath, and conducted a quick mental reset. OK, she's good now, time to get on with the lecture almost on auto-pilot since she had taught the same course at the Academy so many times before

She was so tempted; this might be the final opportunity, to be as close to the eyes she longed to look into so desperately that she will ever come into her life ever again. Somehow, her self-control allowed her to keep the visual distance between her and those eyes that would melt her in a second, somehow. She avoided eye contact with Alexis, pushing the thoughts, dreams, and memories from her mind of an exact match of the blue eyes staring at her, it wasn't the time or the place, hell, or even the correct person.

She continued her lecture almost like a robot, now, on autopilot just trying to get through this session without acting like a fool. Finally, it was time for class to end, when she dismissed the class, she considered fleeing quickly stage left. It would have been much too quick for Alexis to catch her, but she couldn't. She couldn't do that, too many memories of the young lady and herself flooded her heart, it was time to stand and talk to her IF she wanted to.

Alexis like her dad used her eyes to speak and there was a message in that first exchange of glances, and she won't hurt his daughter by running away from it. No, not now, it wasn't her fault she had been the ASS and ruined the best thing in her life.

She gathered her things providing an opportunity for Alexis to approach her IF she wanted to. It was the adult thing to do, at least it was the correct thing as an instructor, to be available for your students. She held her breath as she gathered her things at the desk in front of the room, and waited as the majority of the class filed out. She was still going to kill her mother for not telling her how big a room she had to speak to, she shuffled papers knowing Alexis would soon be in front of her if she chose to seek her out. Then she felt the presence of eyes on her, she looked up,

There she was. The beautiful young woman who had approached the desk, her red hair pulled back in a ponytail, jeans, and a Star Wars t-shirt on, the picture of youthful grace. She smiled to herself with the T-shirt, a throwback to Rick's collection of space heroes. There was no doubt that she drove the boys wild, her eyes still telling the story of love, hurt, happy, or sad times.

This time Kate didn't break the eye contact, she allowed the anger to pour out of Alexis, she had a right to be angry, she was hurt for no reason other than loving her as a new Mom. Nothing was said, Kate locked onto her eyes, trying to plead for forgiveness, then she saw a tear forming in the corner of one eye. Finally, she swallowed hard and spoke,

"Detective." Ouch, that hurt, detective, not Kate, not even Beckett. Then she thought what the hell do you expect, you deserve this and worse her inner voice was screaming in her ear, she was a KID. You were supposed to be the ADULT.

"How are-" she's interrupted before she can even finish the phase you would greet a stranger with.

"Detective, I'm not even in this class, if you check your roster, I'm just sitting in for my roommate taking notes, so you may want to give her credit for making the effort to attend class," Alexis said, a beginning statement that caught Kate off guard,

"Sure, sure, Alexis, what's your roommate's name?" She asked as she found the attendance sheet.

"Crystal Wilson, don't worry, I already signed the sheet that I was attending for note taking," she said,

"Of course, you did, thanks for letting me know Alexis, I hope she gets well soon, and if you or she have any questions, you can"

"I'll call professor Johanna, she's always great with her students." Once again Alexis cut her off, not allowing the opening you can call me, hoping the number somehow got to her dad.

Kate's memory was suddenly flooded with images from many occasions where she and Alexis did things together, laughed, and enjoyed each other's company. She wondered did any of those memories resonate with the beautiful young lady here in front of her, a young lady that could have been her step-daughter if she hadn't been a fool.

One bonus of being with Rick was that she became the source of advice for the young lady, often on the down low, without her dad knowing. Rick was a great Dad, but as Alexis once explained, "I love daddy Kate, but he's well he's just a man. He tries so hard to understand but he never will," she scrunched up her nose as Kate hugged her, and "I know baby, believe me, I know."

Alexis was struggling to speak, perhaps she remembered some memories as well, she thought she had her chance,

"Alexis, I want you to know there's not a day that goes by that I'm not sorry for my decision, for hurting your dad, you, and your grams. I wish…things had been different." Kate got out,

"Me too." Alexis's voice is quieter now, more subdued. "He loved you; I mean really loved you, I'm sure you know. Hell, he may still love you maybe. God, I don't know, we don't talk about you or his love life. He's in Texas, I'm back in New York, taking a few classes to meet the MBA program requirements, then I'm off to Harvard."

"You finished your degree from Oxford in two years? Congratulations, that's a hell of an accomplishment." Kate said, trying to get off the hurt dialogue,

"Well, once I sent Dad home, and found out he had bought the place in Texas, I could concentrate on my studies. That's all I did, so it wasn't that big of a deal, I know it will look good on a resume, but do I need it? I look at daddy, how hard he has worked to make sure I had everything, how we all did, and I thought I might follow his career in writing, but in a different genre.

"If I get my Ph.D. I can guest lecture at Harvard as I write, at least that's the plan now." She said trying to cut the iceberg that was still between the two ladies who once were as close as sisters.

"That's wonderful Alexis, and I know he loved me. You may not believe it, most people I know don't but " I love him too. She fights to allow the words to escape her throat, "Is he…does he, I mean…?"

She's just like her father, her eyes tell the entire story, and when she looked into the young woman's blue orbits, she saw a look of pity. Seeing that almost broke her into pieces. Anger, she can deal with. Fear, hate, rage, pain, any combination of them- that is fine.

But NOT pity…pity hurts the most. Pity meant that her ache was too close to the surface and is visible to others in terms of raw emotion on her face, and her eyes. She looks down at the table, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath to calm herself, bracing for the worst news.

"I shouldn't tell you this, you know how Dad is about his private life, hell you were worse, but no, he isn't seeing anyone now. He hasn't seriously dated since you left. He kind of…just goes through the motions, usually to keep Grams from trying to fix him up, even long distance, she figured out how to use SKYPE, God Forbid." She crunched her nose with a small laugh, it helped break the tension, the hurt at least some.

"Alexis, I wish I had a better answer for you, but the truth, I can see your dad roll his eyes on that, but it was and is the truth, I got played. I fell for a line about how the big stage was calling my name and I could make a difference in this world, it was all bull shit, I hurt a lot of people, Rick and you most. I wish I could take it back, not a day goes by that I'm not sorry, and I don't know what else I can tell you." Her voice catches, as she pushed the tears back down.

"No, it's OK, really. Grams and I had…we had high hopes for you and him, that he finally found the ONE. You made him happy, happier than I've ever seen him at any time in my life. Dad taught me early on, that fairytales were books, but life isn't a fairytale. I learned that lesson fairly early in my childhood as I watched Dad and Gina implode. I'm sorry it didn't work out." Her voice was sincere, almost comforting like her Dads used to be.

Kate felt a fresh wave of guilt wracking her and flushing all over her body. God and the world knew that it wasn't Rick's fault, but Alexis had grown up in the wake of two failed marriages and then saw him fall apart when she left.

She probably has no choice but to be cynical about relationships in her life. His daughter doesn't know the alternative, not viscerally, not deep down in her heart. At least she's had her parents' marriage as an example, even if her Mom could be a pain in the ass, some, well most of the time.

Suddenly fear gripped her, what would this young lady tell her father, oh God, "Alexis, please, don't…"

She heard a noise not sure if it was a short, sharp bark of laughter or a cough,

"Not a chance Detective. Not a chance I am mentioning you in his presence, or on our Facetime calls. I learned a long time ago when it comes to matters between the two of you, the only safe position is to stay out of it completely" She isn't bitter, more like just matter-of-fact. That made it hurt worse, somehow, almost like it was predictable to cause problems for the young lady.

"He's in Texas, so I don't ask what goes on down there and he doesn't ask about any of the 12th Precinct or happenings up here. He is in direct contact with a few who kept in touch, but he never mentions them and I don't ask.

"As long as we're well and happy, that's all he wants to know. He even gave up trying to interrogate my boyfriends, he said after two years away in London, there wasn't anything that he could do to stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

"He trusts me, he said if I could survive the dodgy old boys in England, then there was nothing for him to worry about. He says that but I know he has Gina checking up on me," she laughed, you know dad, he can never stop caring."

"Yeah, I know your Dad," Kate said, almost in a trance,

Alexis broke it when she said, "Well, it was nice to see you again, I hope you're happy and as far as daddy is concerned, we never met." She turned and walked out of the now empty huge auditorium, making the size of Kate's loss resonate even more.

She watched as the young lady walked away the same way Rick did, that one special gait, almost an extra half-step every third step, making her way out of the auditorium, and probably out of her life forever. It was 4:00 PM and she had been through enough for one day, she re-packed her materials more suitably, headed to her car and home, and another night of memories, of If Only.

TBC

A/N: Huge KUDOS to Tank who pointed out in his last review that if Johanna was alive what was the life-changing moment to direct Kate to choose Law Enforcement? No Bracken, No death of her mother, so poor Jimmy had to buy it this chapter, RIP, and thanks for letting us move the story forward without this gap. I tried to show where she had recovered, or at least was on the way to recovery when Jimmy was killed, which was now her reason for closing up, being so private. Thanks, Tank!