One Last Time

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is AU; Kate's mom is alive, still happily married to Jim. The experiment of Kate and Rick living together, happily ever after is killed when she takes the Fed job only 7 months into their coupling. Only to return to New York 13 months later, BUT Rick isn't there.

I don't own Castle; I only use the characters for amusement purposes, except the ones I create.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks. A different outcome from Watershed, at least for now. No Guarantee this will be Caskett Ending, but leaning that way now.

**************************************************************************/

Chapter 7

Beckett's Apartment

Later That Day

**********************************************************************************/

Kate left early, she never left early or took a day off, but she just told Roz, she had command and to call her if she was needed. Roz knew the illness that had suddenly beset her captain, it was regret and fear. Regret that she hadn't swallowed her pride when she returned and went to see her biggest supporter in the Castle family, Martha Rogers and now it was too late.

Fear, she was going to be face to face with the man who had moved heaven and earth, forgiven transgressions many men would never think about, all not enough to keep her from her dream job. Now she was sure that Lanie had informed her of Cathy, and she now knew that he would not be standing in the family line alone, she truly had been replaced.

She stopped for her tea at Java Hut, trying to figure out what to do, it was doubtful, that she would get much more than just a few minutes with him if at all, hardly a chance to talk. He would be greeting all of the mourners, and she shouldn't expect special treatment, not anymore. She was just someone he used to love, according to the reports she had heard, of course behind her back.

Now that Lanie had confirmed what she had overheard in the halls, it made sense with Paula's choice of the word family now, even Paula trying to be polite and not rub it in. She decided that she wouldn't make an ass of herself, not plead and beg for time with him, that had never been her.

Martha told her once, "You know kiddo, I write letters, sometimes long letters, to him when he really pisses me off. I know he can't resist the urge to read them, so I get my say to him without getting either of our blood pressure up. You might want to try it, Richard is my son, I love him, but he can be a stubborn ass." She smiled over her paper at her,

They just had another argument that she didn't know Martha had heard. It was over something stupid, but she pushed a button trying to cut people out of his life, because of her insecurities. He stood firm looked her in the eye, and just said "NO, the people in my life are there for a reason, some you might not understand, but if you think for a moment, I will bend to your wishes to cut them out, then I think it's best we end this right now."

She had pushed him about Gina and Paula both, and this had been one of the few times where he pushed back harder. He was polite never raising his voice, but she could tell he meant what he said.

"I don't want to talk about HOW I run my business again, or who is in my life to manage it. YOU have nothing to worry about, I didn't kiss other women, those are saved for you." He threw it back and she knew he was serious about her walking away as he walked out the door. She called him moments later apologizing for her insecurity, but the armor that once was his love and devotion was beginning to fall apart.

She wondered if he remembered the arguments the way she did, hell if he remembered them at all. God, looking back at their relationship it was always about her jealousy, usually of Gina, of fangirls who flashed him, he couldn't control that, she knew, but she made it out to be his fault, hell everything was his fault now that she thought about it.

Then when he asked her about a male, she had a short fuse, he was supposed to trust her, not ask her questions. It didn't matter that she worked in an industry predominately male, overwhelmingly so. She knew she had been wrong, but well now was a hell of a time to think about telling him, unless, as Martha suggested. She could write him a letter, if he read it, great, if he needed to share it with the new love in his life, it would only be a sincere apology she was long overdue to give.

She owed him the entire story, the one that her parents knew, that Gates knew, the one that so many other than the man she was living with knew. There was no excuse for that, regardless of her feeble reasons at the time, NOTHING justified treating her partner in such a shoddy fashion.

She decided that it was the only way he would ever know the whole story, especially since the rumors confirmed that there was someone new in his life. With Lanie's warning, they were no longer just a rumor, it was a fact.

It had started, well at least in earnest, when Agent Stack uttered those five words, "Detective Beckett, could I have a word?" She should have said no, she should have just walked away, there were so many things she should have done but didn't. The one thing she did do was begin a string of lies, after promising him, that all she wanted was him, just him.

She rescued her writing supplies from the corner closet, wiped what seemed to be years of dust from the container, and placed it on her desk. Gosh, how long had it been since she had sat down and written a real letter, not an email, text, or Tweet, but a real letter? She couldn't remember, although it used to be an everyday event for her. Damn Technology!

Her coffee maker chimed signaling her power for the next few hours was ready. She gathered a cup, set it down, and then thought, What the hell do I say, where do I begin? The Castle voice suddenly chimed in, in a smart-ass tone, "Most people start at the beginning, Detect, eh excuse me, Captain." She knew it was real, it was her imagination of what Rick would say if he were there. She started as every letter started, the day and date, time of day she had always included, then the first two words, "Dear Rick,"

Damn, this was going to take a while, so she shifted from her stationary to a legal pad, until she could form something that resembled a letter, then she would transfer it to stationery. She wasn't sure if Rick would give a damn, or if he would toss it the moment, she turned her back, or worse in front of her. It was out of her control at this point.

"Dear Rick,

"I can't tell you how many times I've picked up the phone to call you, I think I did once, and I would like to apologize for that. I had too much to drink, and I wanted you to feel as lonely, missing our home as I was feeling. I have tried for years to recall what I said, and I can't. I know this was your way to subtly let me know you received it and did indeed feel the hurt I intended. For that, I apologize. I of all people had no right to do that to you, not after it was me who imploded our relationship with lies and deceit.

"I'm not sure if you know, care, or have any interest at all, but I made Captain of the 12th a few months ago. It didn't feel like I thought it would, hell, it wasn't anything that I will remember other than the day of the promotion. Roy was supposed to pin my new shield on me as he left with Evelyn to live out his life of leisure, not Captain Gates.

"Mike Royce and you were supposed to be in the audience, along with my parents. It was happening ONLY because Mike taught a hard-headed Rookie how to be a cop and YOUR encouragement convinced me that I could pass the Captain's exam. Without either of you, I wouldn't be where I am, professionally.

"I never remember once saying Thank You, at least not more than an automatic reply to you, but I do Thank You, Rick. I know it's late, far too late, but I am filled with gratitude for all the times you put up with me, and still cared. Dr. Burke has worked with me to help me realize that there was a human cost to my decision, well decisions, and unfortunately, you and your family paid that tab. I will never be able to say I'm sorry enough for those times."

"I promised Alexis I wouldn't speak of this; I have to break that promise to give you some perspective. It wasn't as if when I left New York I stopped loving you, stopped following you from afar, I never stopped worrying and thinking about you and the family. When I guest lectured at Columbia when she was just monitoring the class for a sick girlfriend, it's a long story, but as you could imagine my mom's fingerprints were all over me being at Columbia, to begin with.

"Please don't be hurt at Alexis, she was as shocked to see me as I her. I asked her, and she readily admitted, that there was no way she was mentioning me to you on your calls or Facetimes. She only knew that you were going through the motions of dating, at least to her knowledge, to keep your Mother from trying to fix you up, at least in her eyes. Thinking back now, perhaps it was to spare my feelings, as I said emotions were high on both sides.

"I thoroughly enjoyed speaking with her, albeit, brief as it was, it did allow me to relive some fantastic memories I enjoyed with the girl who now appeared before me as a very mature young lady. She grew into a beautiful young lady Rick; you should be proud of the job you did as her parent. She's still as sweet as she was when, well when times were better.

"I think I've stalled long enough, you can spot trite conversation, one of your pet peeves used to be when someone started a story and went around the globe twice to tell it. I apologize for that, I hope you understand just how difficult this is for me, as I know how hard it will be for you IF you give me the courtesy of reading it.

"You always told people to start at the beginning when they would complain they didn't know where to start, so here goes. Please believe me, when I say there is not a day in my life, I wish I could go back in time, that I had never met Agent Stack, but I'll get to that.

"I remember every second of standing on that bomb, and how hard you worked to keep me calm, even trying to get a rise about who loved the other first. I'll admit, I was attracted to you early on, but so afraid of you just wanting another conquest, I pushed back harder than I normally would when you tried to reach out in friendship.

"Some of the things I said, I've had time to remember a great deal Rick, perhaps the one positive aspect of spending time on the road, alone, a benefit from the AG position. I can't believe some of the things said could have come out of my mouth, but they did. To say I'm sorry now would be almost a slap in the face, but Dr. Burke's advice was to tell you that I have made progress in recognizing what I did. I do know how hurtful they were and still are, even to me as I remember our time together.

"I hope that makes sense to you, it took me a few sessions with the doctor to work through the reasoning, but he pushed me until I THINK I know why I did them. I don't want to rehash the entire time since we met, I know you don't have the desire or time to read such ramblings. When I stepped off the bomb, with only seconds to spare, into your strong arms, well I can't describe the euphoria I felt.

"A short time later, when Captain Gates said "not many men would do what you did", was so true. She didn't even know the many times, the dirty bomb, the passport killer, Agent Shaw, and that psycho, and perhaps the one I will always remember, you pulverizing Hal Lockwood's face with your hands. Yes, I did know that not many, if any men would do what you had done for me over the years.

"When she told me to kiss you, I almost died, it was validation that our relationship could finally come out into the open, we could be partners in more than just one aspect. We could have, we should have BUT I started us on the downward spiral, I see it now. No matter what happened between Eric Vaughn and me, doesn't matter. I swear my story is the same as it was then, and I told you the truth.

"Dr. Burke asked me to recall the incident when you accidentally dialed my number when Cristina, the bikini reporter made several overt, and aggressive sexual attempts with you. He asked me to remember how long it took me to forget picturing the image of another woman's breasts in my partner's face.

"Then he paused, and asked me, how long do you think it's going to take Rick to forget the fact that you were kissed by another man, while on assignment, with champagne in a glass, and didn't come forward with it until the recreation of the shooting left me no choice. He asked me how I would have felt if situations were reversed, at least you were honest when it happened, and agreed to do what would make me forget.

"He was correct, and once again a very late I'm so sorry Rick. I never should have allowed anyone I was charged to protect to break the professional perimeter of my responsibility, regardless if I was with someone or not. The timing of It made it even worse, that it happened so soon after you had risked your life, trying to get me off the bomb, even willing to die with me than live without me.

"Instead of getting my act together, showing you the thanks, pride and love I always felt for you, what did I do? A few weeks later, I'm sure you remember this case, the drones, and that damn lying Son Of A Bitch, Agent Stack. Just after we closed the case, he asked to see me. You never questioned it, or think it was out of order, you were always trustful and allowed me the freedom to do my job.

"I wish I had been as trustful, and respectful to you, Rick, I beg your forgiveness now, I'm sure you've put the pieces together by now of what happened. I heard you spent a week in Chicago with Tom and Jordan Shaw a month or so after I left, I'm sure she gave you the description of what Agent Stack was doing. What I didn't know at the time was he was nothing more than a recruiter, lying, telling you anything he had to, to get you to consider an interview with AG Force.

"I remember every word he said, and to be honest, the bastard was smooth. He knew what buttons to push. It all started with him asking me where I saw myself in five years. At the time I hadn't given my career much thought and told him so. He pushed, then lied that he was a former Homicide Cop, and someone approached him with the opportunity for a better opportunity.

"I guess, my ego took over from there, and I probably was one of his easiest sells. He told me that there was a job opening in DC, working directly for the AG, all I remembered was he had the authority, well he didn't but acted as though he did to have the plane return to the gate. He told me that I would report directly to the AG, Special Task Force, and work on crimes that could impact the outcome of history.

"You can say it, Rick, I did so many times after the first two months, I was a sucker, and I should have trusted you enough to talk to you about it. You even asked later that evening what Stack wanted to talk about and I told you the first of a series of lies, no other way to put it. I replied nothing when at the time, my ego was working on me for a job I didn't even know existed a few days before. The seed was planted and was growing rapidly in my mind, he had left a business card, and I called it 5 days later.

"I was careful not to work on anything to do with the job except at my apartment, yeah, I know another one foot out the door that you allowed me to have until I gained the trust you thought I would with the love and security you were providing.

"I set the entire interview up from the apartment, even Gates knew about it since they called her for a reference. I had to tell her that I hadn't spoken to you yet, she looked so disappointed and told me that she had made several career moves in her years, BUT each one was made AFTER a discussion with her life partner, and suggested I trust you.

"I was afraid you would try to talk me out of at least interviewing and I wanted control of my life. I justified it by saying we weren't married or engaged, so I was free to make my decisions, I know how terrible that sounds even as I'm writing it. I'm sure your mind recalls several times you've heard the words, it's my life, it's not about you, it's my decision, about more than just this, and that is the one part of our relationship I will always regret.

"If I had only trusted you one half as much as you did me, even after all my screwups, you were still the same trusting, partner you always were. I see now how badly that hurt you, trust destroyed is perhaps the one emotion that we have the most trouble forgiving, well according to Dr. Burke. I know I broke your trust, well demolished it if we're being accurate, and I am sorrier than I can express.

"I may have been a sucker for the interview, but it didn't take me long, to figure out, that the job I was doing was nothing that was described to me. Hell, I spent weeks chasing down some petty tax cheat, not even close to the importance of work we did together.

"I called Captain Gates, and when Detective Rollins retired, she brought me back to the NYPD. I know it ruffled feathers when she made me the Lead Detective again, especially with Roz and Anne. I don't blame them, but seriously Rick, I was just happy to be back home.

"Well, that was until I overheard the boys talking about you and a ten-gallon hat in Texas, finally I overheard them and discovered that you had moved one month before I returned. Rick, I don't know what would have happened if you were here, I walked by the loft at least ten times trying to get my nerve up, to face you until I heard of your move. I met Gina as I shopped for my mom's birthday present at her fiancé's, well now husband's book store.

"She was so much more gracious than I ever could have been, even encouraging me to make things right with you. She described how she cried as she edited the last Heat novel, I can only imagine since I cry just looking at the title. She confided in me that you were hosting her wedding and that as far as she could tell, you had friends but no one special.

"I know that has changed now, and all I can say is I hope she makes you happy in ways I could never do. I don't blame you for moving on, I thought you would have done it much quicker than this, but I guess I destroyed your ability to trust anyone. Once again, for that, for every time I hurt you, lied to you, or treated you in a manner you weren't deserving, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

"If you've made it this far in this letter, I also want to express my deepest sympathies for the loss of Martha, she was always my number one fan, and I will miss her greatly. You're probably asking why a letter, why now? It's your mother's idea really, she told me to write down things I knew I could never say to your face. She knew me so well.

"If your new friend wouldn't mind, I have one request, Rick, I would like to meet you for a short cup of coffee in a public location just to look into your eyes and say I'm sorry, God knows how much I'm sorry. I don't want to start any problems so if it would create stress, then I understand.

"Please let me know if you are open to a cup of coffee, well tea for me now, couldn't drink it once you weren't around in any public place you choose. If anything, came through this rambling mess, I hope you can see the sincerity, and deep regret I have for the hurt you felt. Please forgive me, even though I don't deserve anything more than the courtesy you would show a stranger, I hope you know you will always be my best friend, I hope to see you in person outside of the funeral setting, for One Last Time.

Sincerely

Kate"

She went to the bathroom, had her cry, then carefully transferred the letter from the legal pad to the stationary. Sealed the envelope and now must decide when and how to get it to Rick. She thought of a messenger service, but thought no, she ran right by the loft, she would leave it with Eduardo to deliver.

TBC

A/N: We're getting to the decision point, well I am, do I make this a Caskett ending, or very easily leave her with the stuffed bear that Rick had given her, and allow Rick to move on, still not sure. A few more plot points then there is no turning back. Thanks all for the support and reviews, - Tim