Chapter 3.
"Do you want to see something ridiculous that I've kept?" Prue asked delicately, regretting the words the moment they came out of her mouth. All she was doing was making herself seem as childish as the 14 year old girl she had been when they first met.
"Ridiculous?" Rax asked, his curiosity clearly piqued.
"Definitely ridiculous." Prue half-whispered pulling a box from an almost ornate deep varnished chest and placing it on the table with as much care as you would a fragile piece of glass.
Rax pulled the box towards him, being deliberately delicate, whatever the contents of this box were, she was clearly very careful with it. Lifting the lid he saw folds upon folds of pale blue tissue paper, and his first thought was that it was some item of clothing, as there was no obvious bulk beneath the tissue, but on further inspection he saw that whatever it was, it was paper.
The paper was creased and faded, slightly yellow with age and he pulled it out softly before turning it over in his hands. His mouth fell open.
It was the map. The map he had given her the second day at wentworth. When she'd already cast her spell over him. When he'd sat at home sketching it for her for hours, sketching her for hours, his mind already filled with curly black hair and red and white tablecloth. His fingers stroked the details of the paper carefully, his mind travelling back ten years, back to stolen moments driving her home, the nights he lay awake riddled with guilt.
"You kept it." He said, stupidly, to fill the silence if for nothing else.
"I could hardly throw it away could I?" Prue said, trying to sound casual but her voice was too high, too breathless and when he turned to look at her, he saw that her eyes were shining with barely concealed tears.
"I think we have a lot of talking to do Prue, I think there's a lot that has never been said out loud and things we've both questioned over the years." Rax said softly.
"Please Rax, I don't think I can." She whispered, her eyes fearful.
"Then please, just listen and let me explain,"
He said gently and she nodded.
Rax took a deep, steadying breath to gather his thoughts.
"When I first met you, I thought you were...interesting. For want of a better word...interesting. You seemed so intelligent and smart mouthed, an old soul. You were observant and on the surface you appeared like you didn't care what anyone thought of you…but behind it I could see there was something more, something hidden. I could see your naivety, that you were vulnerable but yet…It was almost like you were laughing at us all, like you knew some secret joke the rest of it didn't and my interest in you...Well, it scared me." Rax said, as if this still surprised him now. His eyes showed that his mind was a million miles away from her old kitchen table and a for few seconds he said nothing.
"Scared?" Prue prompted.
"Scared. You were 14 and I was your teacher. By anyone's standards, that's wrong. I had a wife and 2 kids at home, I had an ordinary life and an ordinary job and then in came you. Extraordinary, and bursting with talent and brains and once I'd looked at you, I couldn't look away. You were challenging and forthcoming and funny. I couldn't think of anything else, I didn't want anything else and I had to stay away. I really did try, I told myself over and over how young you were, I hated myself! But I couldn't, I couldn't distance myself. I couldn't stay away and each time I saw you the harder I tried, and the harder it became. I thought you would be disgusted and run to the police, I was this old teacher! And then..."
"We kissed." Prue whispered breathlessly, her face enthralled, like a child being read a bedtime story.
"We kissed." Rax repeated. "Everything changed Prue. That was it. I fell head over heels in love with you. Just like that, straight away. I'd never believed something like that could happen, the whole love at first sight, soulmate thing, let alone with someone I should view as a child! It was like you were exactly right, designed perfectly for me. Just too young. But I couldn't deny the feelings I was having, I knew that I had fallen in love with you. And nothing else made sense anymore, nothing fit, it didn't feel like my life anymore. I was just going through the motions. I couldn't sleep in bed next to my wife. I couldn't teach. I couldn't paint anything that didn't circle back to you. I was in love with you fully and truly and the whole time I was appalled, disgusted, sickened with myself! She's perfect…but this is wrong. I love her…but this is sick," Rax's voice dropped to a whisper at these words, his eyes staring, unseeing. "God knows, I tried! I tried right then to put some distance between us and forget the feelings but I couldn't could I? How could I keep away from you? You were a magnet pulling me in! and my poor wife!" He laughed bitterly. "She thought my distance was The baby! That we needed to reconnect, she wanted you over more and more to babysit! The very person that had made thinking of anything else impossible! Talk about irony!" Rax spoke breathlessly and quickly, almost to himself, as if he'd been holding back these words for so long that they were bursting out of him.
"I couldn't keep away. And then...you told me. You told me you loved me too and I held you and kissed you, I stopped fighting, I stopped caring that you were only 14 and I was your teacher. I stopped caring that I had a wife and children at home and just as I'd let myself go, accepted things for what they were everyone..."
"Everyone found out." She said, her eyes shining.
"Yes." Rax choked. "Yes, everyone found out. And I did something I've never forgiven myself for. I made out that you were a child with a silly crush and I was simply being kind and sympathetic and you had gotten the wrong end of the stick, to save myself."
"I understand Rax..." Prue began, but he cut her off.
"Do you? Do you? Because I don't!" He yelled the words, standing abruptly from the table, making her jump. "I never have. How could I have done that?! How could I have sent you away when I loved you that much? Who would ever do that?" He said, his face twisted in anguish, his hands grabbing wildly at his hair. Prue grabbed his hands and held them tightly in hers. "A good father! A good man who had to protect his kids and his wife and their reputation. You did the right thing Rax."
There was silence for a few minutes, where neither of them said anything, she stroked the back of his hands soothingly, wishing she could take the pain from his eyes.
"And then." He said hoarsely, "You were gone. And everything was grey. Nothing made sense anymore. Like the sun had been turned off, like I was drowning and didn't know which way the surface was. I hated everything about myself. My marriage was falling to pieces. I couldn't look at Marianne or touch her without resenting her for not being you. She resented me, begged me to help her understand the change. How?" He sobbed the last word, "How could I make her understand? I told her I wanted a divorce and she was relieved to go. I hated my life and I hated myself. It took me years until I even became comfortable to cope. I started a new job and a new life and then your flyer came across my desk and I was back there again, needing you."
"And now here we are." Prue whispered.
Rax sighed heavily, and covered his face with his hands. The weight of this long overdue conversation visibly draining him. Until her fingers gently prised his hands apart and took them in hers once again, at the same time pulling him towards her. Desperate to make the agony in his eyes go away, she did the only thing that made sense. She whispered that she loved him and pressed her lips against his
And then Rax couldn't think anymore, all he could feel was the softness of her lips, her wild curls like ivy, surrounding him, the sweet smell of her perfume and the heat from her skin...
"Take me to bed." She whispered against his mouth. "Please, take me to bed."
All he could do was softly moan as he pulled her desperately towards the bedroom, slamming the door behind them, his hands hungrily pulling at her clothes...