[TW : mention of suicidal thoughts, non consensual kiss]
Kurt has always been that quiet, discreet kid, always struggling to make friends who'll stay in his life for more than a few months. But he doesn't really mind, or at least, that's what he convinces himself to think. Sure, having his dad as his father and best friend is a really great thing, but he can definitely tell that the man who raised him would love Kurt to get close to other people.
And that's what he does in high school at some point. High school is really hard on him. He never expected that. He thought that everyone would be open-minded, friendly, and different than some people he met in primary school or middle school, but oh boy was he wrong. All those shovings and slushees could testify to this. After school, he often sits in front of his sewing machine, thinking about all of this, wondering if one day, there would be a change. Kurt imagines his life surrounded by good friends who share the same interests as his, and sometimes, he allows himself to think about a boy who he could hug, kiss and love freely, without having to be scared of the consequences.
No one knows he is gay. Of course, all the jocks at school knows in a way, but he never confirmed it. He never had the courage to actually say "I'm gay", even to his father. He is afraid of what these three words would bring upon him. 'Rejection', 'hatred' and 'violence' are the first words that come to his mind. But somehow, he also thinks that surrounded by good people, being out would just be synonym of 'freedom'. But he doesn't allow himself to think of that for too long. He doesn't have any good people in his life with who he could be himself.
And that's it, until he gets into glee club. His father had talked to him some days before, forcing him to join a club. His dad had realized that his son wasn't just alone, he was also lonely to the point where he was thinking of taking his own life. So Kurt reluctantly put his name on that auditions list, and successfully passed it. On the first day, he is scared. What if people think he is strange and awkward ? What if he still doesn't fit in ? But all of these thoughts vanish when he meets Mercedes, Artie, Tina and Rachel. They are all outcasts, just like him, so he allows himself to open up a bit to them, with the hope that they will stay in his life for more than a few months. Some days later, Finn joins the glee club as well, and even if Kurt is scared of him at first, he quickly sees that the tall teenager has actually a good side, and even if he can be clumsy in his words, he doesn't mean anything bad. He even somehow feels protected by him, and by his newfound friends.
And thanks to them, he works up the courage to come out to his dad. He is afraid when he starts the conversation he rehearsed alone in his bedroom some days before. The difference here, is that it wasn't his walls which were listening to him, but an actual person. He doesn't know what could be his reaction. Acceptance ? Rejection ? And as his mind is racing with suffocating thoughts, he allows himself to close his eyes as his father takes him into his arms. He is accepted. And after his dad leaves his bedroom, Kurt sheds tears of joy and relief. He was starting to think that there may be hope somewhere.
At some point, Kurt realizes he is in love. Or at least, he thinks it's love. After all, it's the first time he feels like this towards someone. His heart beats faster, he can feel himself blushing everytime he sees him smiling, and he thinks about that guy all the time. But he knows he'll never have any chance with him. After all, Finn is straight. So he tries to find any way to be closer to him, and that goes to the point where he arranges a date between his father and Finn's mother. He doesn't except it to actually work, and yet it does. And at some point, Finn and Carole both move in with Kurt and his father. And the boy is happy. And even if he know that won't go anywhere, he allows himself that maybe, maybe he has a chance to love and be loved in return.
And then they fight. Finn and his mom move out, and Kurt feels hurt. After all, he thought that this guy would be different than all those jocks who still taunts him at school. As he lays in his bed, rethinking about the recent events, he tells himself that love wasn't worth it, that he should focus on making his firends stay instead. He also realize that all of his attempts to get closer to Finn were just wrong and borderline creepy. He is scared, ashamed and angry at himself at that point. And also scared of love, and of what it could bring out of people. So he tells himself that he will never allow himself to love again.
But this thought flies away when he meets Sam. The guy is really sweet and handsome, and Kurt catches himself thinking that the new guy may be gay. After all, his hair are obviously dyed, and if that's not indicative of a possible non straightness, then Kurt doesn't know what it could be. Even if their first conversation was really awkward, they get along quite well. So he asks the blonde guy to be his partner for the duets assignment, and Sam accepts. But after a talk with his father, where he tells his son that he shouldn't make Sam uncomfortable, like he did with Finn, Kurt sits on his bed, and think about it. At first, he is angry. Wasn't he able to finally be happy? He hasn't been since he was eight! He really thought that there was hope, so wasn't he allowed to try something out with a guy who didn't seem to hate him for once? He thought that his father wanted him to be happy, but he wasn't so sure now. But some time later, he understands that his father is right. Kurt really thought he had some chance just because the guy's hair was dyed ? He chuckles to himself, realizing how stupid that actually sounds. His anger towards his father vanish totally, and the boy finally falls asleep. This week, he performs his duet alone, and takes a great pleasure in it.
Somee time later, Kurt's totally over his crush on Sam, and is now good friends with him, and with everyone in glee club. Even Puck, which is quite surprising. The bullying hasn't ceased at all, but he feels safe, and allows himself to be confident, even though he wishes he could actually be safe. And that's how he feels, actually safe, when he goes to spy on the warblers. He doesn't stay for a long time, but his encounter with Blaine, the lead warbler, makes him wish he could have stayed longer. For the first time, he experienced love at first sight, and if a guy singing 'Teenage dream' while looking at him wasn't a sign that his crush could maybe be returned, then he didn't know what it was. They exchange number right before he leaves, and that's how Kurt gets daily 'courage' messages. And one day, as he walks down the hallways of McKinley high school, he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He reads the message, and smiles as he sees 'courage' on the screen. But his happiness fades into anger as he feels himself being pushed into a locker.
He follows Karofsky into the locker room, and starts arguing with him, which he would never had done some months ago, and he is actually proud of himself for that. But everything seems to crash as he feels rough hands forcefully grabbing his face, and dry lips on his. He didn't allow this to happen. Karofsky finally backs up, but goes for another kiss. Kurt pushes him as hard as he is able to, which is not much. But the other guy seems to understand, and leaves after punching the lockers next to him. Kurt is utterly schoked. His first kiss has just been stolen. He sits heavily against one of the lockers, and cries while replaying the scene in his mind. At some point, he starts to hyperventilate, and the only thing he can think about is calling Blaine. And that's what he does. The guy asks him what's happening, but the chestnut haired boy doesn't say anything, his laborious breathing preventing his vocal chords from working. However, he can hear Blaine speaking words of reassurance to him, and he manages to calm down. He thanks him, and after explaining the whole thing and promises to be there for each other no matter what, he hangs up, ready to go to his history class, which already started fifteen minutes ago.
Some days after that event, as he somehow manages to get better, he has a death threat. The words race through his mind for the whole day. He just wants to crawl into the ground, and never get out of here. If before he felt safe with his friends by his side, he is now frightened to even step a foot out of his bed the mornings before school, wanting to puke as he eats his breakfast every morning, and feeling sick all day. But he doesn't feel like that for too long. His dad is made aware of the death threat, and decides to transfer his son to the Dalton academy, where there is a zero bullying tolerance policy. And after saying goodbye to his friends, he is driven to his new school, where he is welcomed by Blaine.
At some point, he joins the warblers, and he feels like he finally found where he belongs. It was really different than McKinley, but in a very good way. After some weeks in that school, he realizes he doesn't flinch anymore whenever he hears a locker being closed, and that feels really good. He isn't tense like he used to be, and he allows himself to completely relax. And all of this is thanks to Blaine. They talk a lot about random things, but at first, they mainly talk about Kurt's mental state. After all, even if he doesn't really need a therapist, he still felt the need to have someone to talk to. And that's in those kind of moments that the transfered student knows he fell hard for Blaine.
At some point, Kurt gathers the courage to confess his love to Blaine, confident about it. They've been singing flirty duets together, and he is convinced that he has a chance. But the day he was about to tell him, Blaine makes an announcement about another boy, and a gap attack. And that night, Kurt cries in his bed, wondering when he will be allowed to let himself be loved by someone.
But he doesn't cry for too long. The gap attack went unsuccessful, and even if it may seem mean, Kurt's happy about that, because that means he has a chance. But this chance doesn't last long, a stupid party being enough to throw all of his hope out of the window. Blaine Anderson, the only gay guy he ever met, kisses Rachel Berry, one of his friends who is aware of his feelings towards him, and he feels betrayed. He knows it's just a drunken kiss, but it's enough to make him jealous, which may seem illogic, since Blaine is just a friend. Blaine doesn't belong to him, and he doesn't belong to Blaine. That night, as he lies on his bed with Blaine by his side (because it was more convinient to let him sleep here than taking him back to his home), he allows himself to think of how a kiss from the other boy would feel. Rachel bragged all night about how soft his lips were, and how good it felt to feel them moving against her own. He sighs, and finally falls asleep after watching Blaine sleeping for some minutes.
The day after, he meets Blaine at the lima bean. He expects him to joke about that kiss, to say that it was a mistake, but no. Blaine tells him that he thinks he is bi after accepting to go on a date with Rachel over the phone. And Kurt hates the idea of Blaine, his only gay friend and model, and also his love interest, of not being that gay. So he openly tells him that. But Blaine tells him about how confused he is, and just trying to figure stuff out. He also makes him understand about how disappointed he is that him of all people would judge him. Then he makes Kurt understand that what he does was the exact the same thing his former bullies did : not accepting him for who he could be. Then Blaine angryly leaves, and Kurt does the same thing approximately ten minutes later. He goes back home, greets his father, and goes in his bedroom. once he is alone, the conversation he had at the lima bean sinks in his head, and he realizes how wrong he was. Blaine probably needed him in his self discovery journey, and Kurt refused to help because of some stupid jealousy. So he sends a text, saying how sorry he was, that it would be his pleasure to help if needed, and that he totally understood if Blaine didn't want to talk him anymore. But he quickly gets a response, saying that his excuses were accepted, and that he wants to meet Kurt at the lima bean the next afternoon with Rachel. And even if he's happy for Blaine's possible future relationship, he allows himself to be jealous.
But he isn't jealous for too long. Indeed, the next day, after a kiss with Rachel, Blaine proudly announces that he is definitely gay. So that means that the girl is no longer a competition, and that maybe, he has a chance. After that event, they grow even closer than before, to the point where they talk about sex, and Kurt never talked about that with anyone before. The next day, as he comes back home after school, his father makes him sit down to talk. The talk. As his dad awkwardly hands him some pamphlets, the teenager is blaming and thanking Blaine at the same time in his head. Once he is finally in his bedroom, he sends a text to his friend, scolding him light-heartedly, but still making him understand that he is grateful. After that, he goes through the pamphlets, gathering some useful and important informations. And as he reads them, a big blush on his face, he even allows himself to think about applying these informations at some point with a particular someone. He quickly brushes these thoughts out of his mind though.
Some days later, as he plays with Pavarotti, the Warblers' warbler which has been entrusted to him, the bird suddenly dies. Kurt is actually sad about that, having loved his few weeks with the bird's company. So he prepares a number for him, and performs it the day after. As he sings, tears in his eyes, he feels Blaine's eyes on him, starring at him. And even if he is in the middle of a hommage, the singer allows himself to think that maybe, Blaine could love him back.
Later that day, Kurt is in the common room, decorating Pavarotti's casket, and Blaine shows up, talking about how he found the perfect song to sing as a duet. Blaine sits next to him, and the conversation suddenly becomes serious, and then he realizes. Blaine's confessing his feelings to him, talking about how he finally found his person, and about how Kurt's vulnerability made him aware of that. And then, the chestnut haired boy feels lips on his. Rachel was right. His lips were so soft, and feeling them moving against his own felt so good. And as he puts his hand on Blaine's cheek, for the first time in his life, Kurt finally allows himself to love someone, and to be loved back by this same someone.