The Brief History of Everything - OR - Recipe for Plastic Spoon
Chapter 6
Octoberary 20st, 1999
By: Wuckfad
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Chapter 6 - This part is really shitty
"My GOD! What were you thinking?!? You stupid idiot! Agh!"
- Me (After reading back the following text I just wrote)
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If Muppets were drafted...
Kermit - I'm going in hot!
BigBurd - Cover Fire!
Grouch - I just wanted to live in a garbage can!
BigBurd - Shut your damn mouth! You're lucky to be alive.
Snuffleupagus - I out rank all you f***ing lemons! Now get out there... and win us a war.
Count - AAAHHHH!
BigBurd - Count's hit! Medic!
Gordon - I'm coming.
Grouch - Oh god! retch
Gordon - I'm afraid he is going to need a replacement foam arm and... Maybe even hand surgery. His puppeteer was badly injured.
Snuffle - Will he live?
Gordon - Probably not.
Count - 57 stitches ah ah ah. 59 stitches ah ah ohhhh.
Gordon - He's dead, Bird.
BigBurd - Damn you Nazi bastards!!!
runs out screaming with his M-16 carbine blazing and gets shot in the head... With a rocket. His stuffing and assortted body parts scatters over the entire battlefield.
"Due to incredible shittiness, 'If Muppets were drafted' Can not be seen at this time, instead we will now return you to something considerably less shitty."
-Click-
"Stephanie and I would like to introduce the new CEO of this company -"
(insert Stone Cold Steve Austin's Theme.)
"- Mr "Stone Cold" Steve Austin!"
-Click-
"The mating habits of the Polynesian Snap Dragon are as fascinating as they are exotic."
-Click-
"! Do as I say and not as I do because the shit's so deep you can't run away !"
-Click-
"Top stories in today's news. Russian Troops arrive in Kosovo. Plus we'll have an update on the latest E-Mail virus taking cyberspace by storm."
-Click-
"Do you suffer from male itch?"
-Click-
"Yeast infections can't be cured in one..."
-Click-
It's 2:35 in the morning. I am writing this on my laptop computer. I roll around in my bed looking for comfort. I practice different channel clicking techniques. Over the shoulder. Under the leg. Off the mirror, off the desk, off the table lamp, nothing but screen. The TV is starting to slur it's words and it's cycloptic eye is getting glazed over. How come everything in my room looks like a skull? I drool just a little bit as my head tilts backwards. I lay upside down, clicking channels like some Pavlovian rat. Click channels for food. That's what I do. I have that damn Nike song stuck in my head. Chackatoe chamo chamo chamo chamo Chackatoe chamo Chackatoe. Wait! Hold on, here's Super Mario Bros. the movie. I wonder why it got such bad reviews? It's seems like an excellant movie. Except for that Wong Foo guy. He's a Latino, not a Italian. I think I'm a skater, but I don't skate. It is now 2:57 in the morning. I remember that I always used to get killed by that first Goomba. I would swear like a damn sailor. "You Fucking Mushroom!" Or "Oh shit! Damn IT!" and I would throw the controller down in a fit of anger. I think this angel is pissed off at me.
Well. That's another paragraph done. I'm just reflecting on a job well done. But wait. I'm a hamster. Damn, that fan is cold. I'd get up to turn it off but I'm a comatose hamster. Check baby check baby check baby check baby check check 1 2. Ah. That's better. squeek Needs a little fish! Who is the trunks? Trunks is Trunks! Boom bada boom bada Scratcha scratcha. My eye is sweaty. Damn it. Oh great! Mario Bros. Just fixed a sump pump. They are called Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Wow that is a stupid name. "Hi my name is Scott Scott." "Excuse me?" "Scott Scott!" "Yeah, well fuck you buttfuzz!" My brain is just going to turn off pretty soon. -Click- Wait. Hold on. Everything looks like inkblot right now. The Mario Brothers just look like spotches of Grey and Red. "Which one is Geoff?" Said the sentence. My Friend/"Aquaintance" once told me he watched Mario Bros while he was stoned and he said that it was his best trip yet. Watching all those dinosaurs just eating the buildings. It is now 3:21 AM. That was one of the worst pieces of animation I have ever seen. Duh. We are dinosaurs eating plants. I counted the frames of animation and they move in just 2 frams per second. My parents had a pillow with the word fram on it. Obey your thirst. I obey the greater power, Vince McMahon. It's all just a soap opera now. HHH busted the Sock guy's leg. Or something. Smack. God damnit I'm tired. When I get cold I get tired. When I get tired I get cold and I am freezing my toes off right now. It's just about 3:40 right now. There is nothing on but Phone Sex commercials, Get Rich Quick commercials and Really bad movies. My pen is leaking... Aw. Wait, I don't have a pen.
Right about now. This is the best thing on T.V.. It is like Titanic without the Naked Chicks. Mario Bros for life. I really don't fellike writing anymore. Tom Green is over, Mr. Show is over, Miller is over, Leno is over, Letterman is over, Kilborn is over. TV is just a bunch of fucking shit right about now. I think I might lift some weights and listen to FatBoy Slim. No. Wait. It's in my computer. Wait! I am on my computer! Dang! (First time I used dang in paragraph.)
Phew. That was a long paragraph. It's amazing, If I wrote this much for school, I would be a fucking genious. Right about now, funk your brother. It is 4:00 Mario is over. Pulp Fiction is on. But I'm afraid that the truant officers will come and get me. I feel like a criminal right about now. I feel like someone is going to come into our house and eat my head. But of corse that's just my opinion, I could be wrong. I wonder if I could defend myself if someone id com into our shouse. yiou know, i don't have a ninga star or anything. Or a gun. I think that it would be cool to be able to use a set of ninchucks. I'm gangsta tripping roght about now. Wow. Eyes heavy. this is the exyent of my litarary skills at 4:04 in the morning. I always wonder what the AM stands for. Amplidtude modulation and PM stands for Perky Munchkin.
Wait. Or maybe I'm just a smarmy kind of guy. I am chewing on a can. i amchewing on a can. I am chwingn ong a can. it is pretty tasty at 4:-05 in the morning. Maybe I should shine some light in my eyes. Ow. That was stupid. I sleep in a bunk-bed. Except that I don't have any siblings. I just banged my head on the top bunk. It hurts. Anyways. hmnmn. It's around 5:o' something. I wish I could make out this mumber of mine. My glass water is pretty warm. Mabye if I pretty infront of the fan it would get colld. Uh. My garbage can smells like crap. I puked in a garbage can once. What? It's getting light out. Oh well. I like anime. I like Sailor Moon. It could be the fact that it's 5:07 speaking but the short little skirts that she wears are tantilizing. And that way the way she wears her hair in those spaghetti things. 4/fifths of her height is leg. They are way too big for here body. But that is just another reason to like here. Anatomically superb! Except for the fact that her eyes are too big and her mouth is the zise of a dinner playte. I'ts 6 something or other, I guess it's time to get up. I think I might just do so now.
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Questions? Comments?
Wuckfad
wuckfad@hotmail.com
-or-
wuckfad@bolt.com
Rip Farts, Not War.
Just Speef it.
Reefers for the legalization of Marijuana.
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