The Brief History of Everything - OR - Recipe for Plastic Spoon
Chapter 8
Octoberary 20st, 1999
By: Wuckfad

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Chapter 8 - This is where the fun stuff begins!
"Boy, these chapters are pretty damn short."
-Bob the Ah-Haava Constable

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A Brief History of Everything
1) The Beginning of Time: Part 1

In the beginning there was nothing, then there was God, the mighty ruler of everything. He must have screwed around for about a half a billion years watching The Price is Close. He then got bored and decided to make the Universe. That was all well and good. But he then conferred with his elders and they unanimously decided that the Universe was still pretty boring, not a single casino in sight. It was just a vast expanse of nothing. So the decided to make a casino, the bestest casino on the strip. So God took fourty days and fourty nights to make the casino called "Earf". Alas, God was still not happy with his creation for it had not a single crap table or slot machine it was just a blue ball. So then he created a crap table and a slot machine. He created beasts to visit the casino. He created a five star hotel for the beasts to stay in. He created the cigarette machine for beasts to get their smokes from and he created Adam, to watch over the crap table and God was happy.

"Okay, I know this is your first day on the job so I want you to listen well." God explained.
"Yeah, listening." Adam replied.
"Your job is to watch over the crap table and nothing else. You may do as you wish when there is no-one at the table. You may play the slots and you make take from the cigarette machine. But do not take the Smokes of knowledge." God continued.
"Which one is that?" Adam asked
"The red ones."
"Oh okay."
"Well what are you waiting for? Do your job." God exclaimed.
"I am! Christ!" Adam replied sarcastically.
"Wha?" God asked.
"Uh.. I don't know, just a word I made up." Adam replied.
"Uh.. Okay, just do your job." God said as he turned to go back to the head office.
Adam stayed behind the table all day, he was getting pretty hungry and he couldn't leave the table. So he tried to take his mind off of it. No one was coming to his table, mainly because the animals didn't know how to play craps, but Adam dutifully minded his post.
"Boy, I could really use a hooker right now." Adam said to himself.
"What about me?" a voice said from with in him.
"What?" Adam looked down at his stomach, "I can't be that hungry."
"Me! Your rib!" His rib yelled at him.
"I don't know too much, but I know that ribs can't talk." Adam replied.
"Ummm. I'm an.. uhh. Organ Master 3000TM. We can talk." The Rib explained.
"Oh.. okay." Adam replied stupidly.
"Come on, rip me out!"
"No way, that will hurt!"
"Don't be such a puss. Rip me out!" His rib yelled.
Adam reached inside his chest an ripped out a rib. He tried talking to it.
"Hello?" Adam said.
"The next one down!" The talking rib yelled
"Oh okay." Adam complied.
He reached in again and plucked out a pink rib with shiny brass studs in it.
"Thank you, you have no idea how bloody it was in there." The rib said as it dripped with blood.
"I bet." Adam said.
"Could you please wash me off?" The rib asked nicely.
"I don't know, I have to watch my post you know." Adam replied.
"Aw."
"Errr. OKAY. Fine. Come on."
Adam took the rib into the washroom and ran it under some hot water rubbing it down with some cheap washroom soap.
"Wow! This is soooo kinky." The rib said, Adam continued to wash the rib.
"Hey, a little bit lower please!" The rib said, Adam co-operated.
"Oooh."
Just then God came crashing down through the roof of the washroom and landed violently in one of the stalls breaking a toilet. The burst water pipe shot water up and wet the ceiling. Adam and the rib were caught by some of the spray. God walked through the stall door... knocking it down.
"Hey you little duck! You are supposed to be watching the crap tables!" God yelled.
"Yeah I know, but if I can't leave my post how am I supposed to sleep, or eat or take a crap?" Adam replied.
"Touche." God said as he cocked his head to the side.
"So I was wondering, maybe my rib can join the payroll, you know... we can take turns and stuff." Adam continued.
God turned his back and paced back and forth through the stream of water stroking his soggy white beard, he stopped and turned towards Adam and the Rib.
"Sure, why the hell not!?! He pointed his finger and the Rib, and in an instant, the Rib had turned into a beautiful woman.
"Your name will be EVE." God explained.
Eve looked at herself in the mirror. "Wow! Look at me. I am the first woman... EVER. I got hands and feet and eyes and br..."
"Thank you very much Eve, that will be enough." God interuppted as he turned to go back to the head office. He stopped and turned back to the two. "Yeah, and get somebody to fix this too." He said as he pointed at the toilet.
The first people on Earf looked at each other and then hugged.
"By the way... Nice cans." Adam said
God poked his head back through the door.
".. of soup." Adam continued trying to save himself.

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Soul Surfing through the clouds of the universe. There is much to been seen and much to be heard. Everything is consequence in my world. Pounding bass driving my soul to the edge of immortality. I cruise several inches from the edge of nothingness at three thousand miles an minute. It all seems like a fuzzy blur. When in a groove there is very little that can stop a soul surfer, except the end of a song. I slow down just enough to see a man on the edge of nothingness. He is holding up a sign. It says, will work for groove. I pick the guy up and he hops on the back of my board. It is time to go once again of into the realms of nothing, to see all the sights this magnificent thing called life offers. Music is the road to happiness. Follow it and you shall always be happy. A swaying rythmic energy cloud like some sort of drug, it penetrates my mind and a sense of eurphoria overcomes me. This is not reality. Reality can not be this driving, this powerful. The music is immersive. It is energizing. Music is the food of the soul, feed it and it will flourish. Feed it well. With soul music and funk. Rock and Roll is like junkfood. It is sweet and sounds nice to the ears, but It has no spiritual nourishment and will make you depressed and sad. The mind blurs and once again I drift into unconsiousness. The highway of the galaxy is a long one and it takes a certain someone to travel it. Someone who can decipher the intricacies of love and the soul. You got to cruise, you got put to put on a driving beat. Don't fear the foot tap. It is your friend. A little head nodding doesn't hurt either, and if you are feeling adventurous, go ahead and do a little head banging. But you got to keep one thing in mind. Don't concentrate too much. Just let the music take you where you want to go. A '67 Cream White Cadillac Eldorado Soft Top. No matter where you go. The funk will follow, and the soul shall be nourished. Be happy. Don't let life take you too seriously do the same for it. Slow down enough to obey the speed limits. But go fast enough to outrun the cops. The cops are like pop. They are the disease of soul. They deteriorate and degrade. Like a pestalance. Your energy shall be depleted and will leave you a lifeless heap. That's right I'm talking to you Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys and Moffats and N'Sync and 5ive and Hanson and all the rest, you have no place in our minds, or our souls. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. Don't let anyone tell you what to watch or what to listen to. It is you own choice. It is your life. You are only young once. You must live life to it's maximum potential. It doesn't matter if that is listening to music, or writing, or climbing the highest mountain in the universe, or rafting the longest river in the galaxy or flying to the moon, as long as you are happy that is what matters. Don't live your life for anyone else. Favours are expected. But do not devote. Be kind to the your body. But the body is weak and is expected to die, but soul is forever keep it healthy and you shall live forever.

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Recipe for Plastic Spoon
1. 17 compressed zebra farts.
2. 2 pieces McWinches
3. A blade of purple grass.
4. A police cruiser hubcap.

The sky was turning a orangie yellow. A cool desert wind blew through Green Chicken's feathers. Their FM signals were fading, so Chicken popped out one of his CD's and put it in the CD player. The song was "Soul Surfing" by Fatboy Slim. He quickly slipped into a groove and put the hammer down and blazed off into the distance. A trail of sparks trailed behind them as the torque had bottomed out the back end of the car. The wind rushed past his head. He took a second to put on a pair of Raybands to keep the dust out of his eyes. The Reddish sky reflected of the car turning it a bright cherry red. Cacti flew by at a blinding speed. The center line blurred into a single yellow strip. He looked at Oof lying sideways in the backseat. Chicken turned up the volume and bass. The deafening sound startled Oof. He groggily rose to his feet and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. He reached down and frantically swiped around for a bottle of beer. He found one a lifted it to his parched mouth. Realizing that there was very little left in the container, he promptly threw the bottle out the side. The bottle landed with a thud in the dirt at the side of the road. Oof reached back under the seat and to his surprize he found an unopened bottle of Molson Canadian. He opened the screw top and emptied the contents into his happy gullet. He licked his chops and put the the lid back on and put it back under the seat. Green looked in his rear view mirror and saw a pair of flashing red and blue lights. He then looked over his shoulder to confirm and saw a police cruiser closing in fast on them. He didn't want any trouble so he pulled over to the side like a law abiding citizen.
"Damn! Oof! Put that stuff away! We got company!" Green yelled.
"I know man!" Oof said as he picked up all the beer bottle and stuffed them into a secret compartment in the seat.
"Just as long as he doesn't look in the trunk." Chicken continued.
"Listen Oof. You know what you have to do. Don't you."
The car lurched as they came to a stop in the dirt, the cop car follow suit. The hulking beast of a policeman stepped out of his cruiser. He lumbered up to the car. Oof hopped out of the car and walked to the right side and leaned up against the car.
"Please stay inside the car sir." The office explained to Oof in his booming voice. The bass rumbled the car.
"Yea... I got to take a piss." Oof replied as he walked into the bushes.
"Fine." The officer looked to Green, "Do you know how fast you were going sir?"
"I don't know, My speedometer only goes up to one fifty." Green replied with a smile on his face.
"Are you trying to be smart?" The officer asked angrily.
"No. But it just seems that way standing beside you." Green Chicken bit his tongue. The officer started to write up the ticket. Oof came out of the bushes and sneaked over beside the cruiser. He pulled out a screwdriver and pryed a cap off the cruiser and snuck back behind Green's car. The cop handed chicken the ticket and started walking back to the cruiser. Oof jumped out from behind Oof's car and smacked the officer in the forehead with the hubcap. The cop reeled from the hit. Oof jumped up on the trunk of the car and hopped into the back seat. Chicken revved the engine and lit the wheels up as he peeled hot rubber. The wheels glowed psychedellic rainbow colours from the heat. The cop recovered and squeezed off a couple of shots at the leaving car, hitting nothing but pavement. The cop ran back to this awaiting cruiser to chase the fleeing suspects. The cop car sped towards the suspects. As the cruiser pulled up beside the Cadillac. Oof pulled down his pants and mooned the officer. Oof sat down as the cop fired a shot at Oof's rear. Oof reached behind the seat and grabbed a beer bottle and suddenly got an idea.
"Green speed up just a bit." Oof commanded.
"Okay, why?" Green asked.
"Just do it!" Oof yelled.
Green Chicken slammed down on the accelerator and they zoomed ahead of the pursuer. Oof raised the bottle over his head and slammed it down infront of the cruiser and the bottle shattered. The glass shredded the cops tires. Sparks were shooting of the rims.
"Warp Speed Mr. Chicken!" Oof yelled as he flipped the officer a couple of one finger salutes.
"Aye Captain!" Green replied as the car began to blur. The car streched out and blazed off in a streak of blue light into the sunset.

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Questions? Comments?
Wuckfad
wuckfad@hotmail.com
-or-
wuckfad@bolt.com

Rip Farts, Not War.
Just Speef it.

Reefers for the legalization of Marijuana.
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