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Part 2
The fallout was silent but terrible. Gray dropped the façade of cheery normalcy he had worn for the team's benefit and now ghosted around silently, obediently doing his tasks but offering exactly nothing beyond what was required. He did not approach the team unless he had to report back to them, and it was difficult to track him down in between. When he sat with the team to plan strategy, he stayed quiet and offered little more than the bare minimum. Social niceties were met with indifference or stony silence. He spoke with a clipped, flat edge, and his eyes stayed blank and distant or hard and cold, depending on how much everyone bothered him. While he did nothing overtly rude aside from his unwillingness to play along, he had put a definite distance between himself and the team that no one was able to breach.
Happy and the girls fretted endlessly and offered a series of peaceful overtures that were met with cool indifference. Natsu thought it was terribly annoying. He did not care for Gray's attitude, even if they had pushed him to it. But he did not know how to snap Gray out of it either, because he couldn't get a read on him at all.
Gray was hurt that they had assumed the worst of him before he had a chance to explain, and undoubtedly assumed they had jumped on him far faster than they would have on anyone else because he had been part of a dark guild, doing goodness only knew what. And that was fair. They should have given him the benefit of the doubt and waited for his explanation. And maybe they were quicker to assume he had crossed lines because of Avatar, even knowing he had been undercover all along.
He was also angry about it, seething quietly. He did his best to remain flat and impassive, but sometimes Natsu caught the anger in the flashing of his eyes when someone pushed him too far or in the hard edge of a pointed comment.
And yet, Natsu still felt like he didn't understand him at all. Gray was an impenetrable wall, and poking at him was like scrabbling uselessly at slippery glass and being unable to find any purchase. Natsu could not tell how much of his attitude was due to the events at Chimera and how much of it had already been simmering under the surface ever since Avatar, just usually papered over with a smile. He could hardly even get any sort of reaction out of Gray anymore, besides the occasional narrowed eyes or hasty retreat.
It felt like the Gray they had known was quietly slipping away, and they didn't know how to get him back.
"Here," Gray said a few days later, striding across the hall to where the team stood in a loose circle discussing their upcoming trip to the Alvarez Empire. He thrust a folder in Erza's direction. "This is the last of it."
Natsu couldn't remember for the life of him what assignment Erza had given Gray. Something unbearably boring, he was sure.
Erza took the folder, but she never looked away from Gray's face. "Thank you. Would you…?"
"Did you need anything else?" he asked without inflection.
"No, I… No, you've done enough." Erza deflated visibly, her shoulders slumping. "Thank you. We were just discussing our plans for Alvarez, if you'd like to join. We'll have an official briefing with the rest of the guild this afternoon to make sure everyone's on the same page, and I think we'll be heading over there the day after tomorrow."
Gray turned and headed for the door. "I'm sure you can manage without me."
Several sets of eyes followed him as he went. His attitude had not been missed by the rest of the guild.
"This is awful," Lucy whispered, her lips trembling. "I don't know… How do we make it up to him?"
"It feels like he's not even really part of the team anymore," Happy said sadly.
Erza looked down at the folder in her hands. "I wish I'd never sent him in there."
"Right," said Natsu. He'd had about enough of this whole thing. "I'm going to beat some sense into him."
He stomped after Gray, shaking Lucy off as she grabbed at his arm and ignoring Erza telling him to stop.
"Bad idea!" Happy wailed.
Natsu ignored them. He had no idea how to handle Gray when he was like this, but he knew how to handle old Gray. He was tired of walking on eggshells. And if Gray wanted to be treated the same way as before Avatar, maybe this was a good start.
It might go terribly—probably would, given how fed up Natsu was going into it—but at least it was something. If nothing else, he wanted to knock that blank, distant look off Gray's face once and for all. He wanted to crack that glass wall, that cold façade, and draw out whatever ugly emotions roiled beneath. He wanted to see the real Gray again, whatever that meant. Whatever Gray was hiding, Natsu intended to pull it out of him.
"Hey, ice princess!" Natsu called after him. "Get back here."
Gray paused and slanted a look over his shoulder, eyes cold and dark and glassy like polished obsidian. "What?"
"Fight me!"
Gray stared at him a moment longer and then turned away. "No."
Natsu was not going to take no for an answer. Gray had a lot of nerve turning down a fight.
"Don't you walk away from me," he growled.
He lobbed a small ball of fire at the door, sending it hurtling over Gray's shoulder and arcing across his exit route. Gray lurched to the side before it even passed him, like he was expecting it or had known it was coming with that new sixth sense of his. He spun back towards Natsu, mouth pressed in a tight line and eyes blazing.
"I said no."
"I don't care what you want," Natsu shot back. "We're going to fight."
Gray's lips twisted bitterly. "Who does? I guess it's never mattered before, so why start now?"
Natsu hesitated, confused, but then rallied and lunged forward, fists already swinging. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but you'd better start talking."
"I don't owe you anything."
Gray dodged out of the way, nimbly avoiding the strikes. Someone yelled for them to stop, but Natsu ignored them. He could scream with frustration as Gray dodged to and fro, never quite letting him make contact. Gray was edging back towards the door, as if Natsu wouldn't notice.
Natsu whipped out his fire instead. Gray might be able to avoid fists, but he'd have no choice but to retaliate once the magic came out. Sure enough, ice exploded into a shield, blocking the fire before it could do any real damage. When it fell, Gray was several paces closer to the door. Still looking for a way out.
"Fight back!" Natsu growled.
"Leave me alone," Gray snapped back.
"No! Let me at least show you what I've learned this past year."
Gray shook his head once, face lined with exasperation. Natsu summoned a wall of flame. While Gray hurriedly threw up a defense, Natsu used the flames as cover to make a run for the door and block Gray's escape route.
When the fire and ice dissipated and Gray saw Natsu positioned between him and the door, his face was terrible to behold, all black fury with an edge of something akin to panic.
"And you can show me what you've learned too," Natsu said.
"That's none of your business," Gray snarled. "Get out of my way."
"If you don't want to show me your magic, then maybe you'd like to show me what you learned in Avatar instead," Natsu said, losing his patience. He could see the taunt needling at Gray, kindling his ire, and pressed his advantage. "Maybe you'd like to show me how to get information out of people? Or what it means to be a dark mage? Or–?"
Gray lunged forward suddenly, darting across the intervening space. Natsu summoned a burst of fire, but Gray slid right past it and around his side. He started to turn to stop Gray from running out the door behind him, but he'd barely made a quarter-turn before his arm was twisted behind his back roughly. A sharp pain jabbed into the soft skin of his bicep, and suddenly his entire arm went numb and then exploded with pain that made him gasp. His fire stuttered out and slid away from his grasp when he reached for it.
He yelped and staggered half a step back before hitting an immovable wall.
"Don't scream," Gray said just beside his ear. "Don't cry. Don't so much as whimper. The first rule to surviving in a dark guild is to never show any weakness, or they'll be on you like vultures."
"Ow!" Natsu said. "That hurts. Let me go."
"Mercy is a weakness," Gray said coldly. He did not let go. Natsu squirmed, but it only sent more jarring pains up his arm. He went still. "So are compassion and kindness. There are a number of pressure points on the human body that can be manipulated to bring relief, pleasure, pain. This one will cause pain, immobilization, and a decreased ability to access your magic, but that's about it." Two of Gray's fingers rested lightly against a spot at the base of Natsu's skull. "This one will knock you out and have you on the floor before you can blink." He nudged the back of Natsu's knee with the toe of his boot. "This one will bring you to your knees. There are points that hurt a hell of a lot more than this one, I can guarantee you. It's a little different for everyone, but I bet I could find the ones that make you scream."
"G-Gray!" Natsu hissed. He had pushed his friend too far again. His heart thundered in his chest, and the pain, although leveling out to a manageable level as long as he didn't move, was making him just a touch lightheaded. He stood very still, leaning back slightly with his arm twisted at an awkward angle behind him, gritting his teeth and locking his muscles to keep his balance. "Let go."
"Begging is a weakness too."
"I'm not begging."
Erza moved in Natsu's periphery. "Gray, please," she said, holding up her hands to look non-threatening as she tried to talk him down. "Why don't you let Natsu go, and we can talk about this."
Gray ignored her.
"You think this is torture?" he asked. His voice went flat, dead. "You wouldn't believe the things I've seen. Frankly, I was lucky to learn this. This is less torture than a threat, and if your threat is believable enough, you won't have to resort to torturing information out of anyone. This won't leave any lasting damage. You think the goat was bad? You wouldn't believe…"
His grip tightened, and Natsu yelped as pain shot up his arm.
"Don't scream," Gray snapped, but he relaxed his grip again. "I didn't scream, and you said you could do anything better than me."
Natsu wished he could see Gray's face, but he was also afraid of what he'd find there. "Gray, what–?"
"Fine, you want to know what I learned in Avatar? There are rules to surviving in a dark guild. Never show weakness. Trust no one. Always watch your back. Don't ever give them anything to use against you. Never ever blow your cover. Do what you have to in order to survive. And I hated every second of it. Every second. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
Gray released his grip suddenly, and Natsu staggered forward a couple of paces, his arm falling limp to his side and exploding in pins and needles. Lucy grabbed his other arm to steady him.
"Are you okay?" Happy demanded.
"I… I think so?" Natsu flexed his arm gingerly, and it twinged but didn't make him cry out. He felt the current of his magic restored and knew he could summon it now if he wanted to. He shook Lucy off and turned around. The entire guild was on their feet, gathered around loosely like they were deciding whether they should intervene, but he could deal with them later. "Gray?" he asked hesitantly, warily.
Gray stood exactly where he'd been before, one hand pressed to his face. He didn't say anything or move for a long time.
"Sorry," he said finally, through his fingers. "I shouldn't have let you goad me." He dropped his hand, and Natsu flinched. Gray's expression was bleak and desolate and unbearably exhausted. "Your arm might be a little sore, but it will wear off in a couple of minutes."
"I…"
"I shouldn't have snapped, but back off." His shoulders hunched and curved in around his chest like wings. "I can't take it anymore. It's hard enough without you constantly pushing at me. Give me time to work through my own shit and stop jumping at shadows. I'm not the same person I was before."
He looked so utterly broken and tired and aching that it hurt.
"I'm still trying to figure out if you're upset about something they did to you or something they made you do," Natsu said quietly.
Gray looked up at the ceiling and let out a breath. "Both," he said.
"I'm sure–"
"Natsu, don't. I know you're trying to help, but you are ripping all my scars back open."
Natsu bit his lip. "Sorry."
"It's fine. Just… Stop, for now. Avatar is my business. Let me handle it myself."
Gray turned and headed for the door again. He walked with an exhausted, rolling gait that made it look like his feet might drag to a stop at any second and send him keeling over. The door swung shut behind him, and Natsu stared at it very hard, wishing it held the answers he needed.
No one said anything for a long moment, but then the guild began stirring back to life.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Lucy asked.
Natsu flexed his arm again. It was now more sore than anything.
"Yes," he said. "I don't think he was really trying to hurt me. He just wanted to stop me from attacking him. And teach me a lesson, I guess."
"Okay, that was crazy," Cana said. "What the hell was that?"
"I told you it was a bad idea," Happy said with a sigh. "It's dangerous to rattle him when he's already rattled. When we don't…really understand how much trauma there is."
"More than I thought," Natsu admitted in a grumble.
"That was messed up," Gajeel said. "I thought he was going to rip your arm off."
"He wasn't trying to do any real damage," Natsu said defensively. Gray's sudden savagery had shaken him too, but he had pushed his friend into it. Like Gray had said, he could pretend to be a dark mage for a few minutes if he needed to, and Natsu had all but demanded it. Knowing how hurt Gray had seemed when they jumped to conclusions last time, he didn't want to see the rest of the guild doing the same. "I provoked him. He just wanted me to leave him alone."
"He was undercover for months," Erza said. She looked like she had aged ten years in the past ten minutes. "He had to pretend to be someone he wasn't. And like he said, he can pretend again if he needs to. And… You heard him. Never show weakness. Trust no one. Don't blow your cover. If we back him into a corner, he might default back to that, for now. That's what he had to do to survive, and it's only been a couple of weeks since that wasn't the case anymore. We need to give him time to feel safe again."
Natsu hadn't put the pieces together that coherently on his own, but he thought Erza was probably right. Maybe all of his pushing had just backed Gray into a corner, until he had fallen back on the strategies he'd used to keep his head above water for the past several months. Gray had tried to act 'normal' to put everyone at ease and keep them from worrying about him, but if that didn't work, he still had another mask to fall back on. And if they didn't like that one, then maybe they were partially to blame for goading him into putting it on.
"Do you really think he doesn't feel…safe?" Happy asked. "Here?"
Erza shrugged halfheartedly. "Did you see his face before he walked out of here? He's obviously not doing well. It sounded like he's expecting to be a target for other dark guilds and maybe even the Council, we're backing him into corners and assuming the worst, and… Look, he was in there for six months. I shouldn't have sent him in there in the first place, but I did and there are consequences. It was a dark guild. I can't imagine it was a pleasant place or the people were nice. He's spent months watching his back, unable to rely on anyone but himself. Have you noticed how alert he's been lately? How he's always watching everything and it's impossible to sneak up on him? He's always on edge."
Lucy sighed. "I wish we handled everything with Chimera better. If we'd just let him explain himself first without jumping to conclusions… That might have been the perfect opportunity to get him to open up a little about what happened in Avatar."
"Yeah, we blew that," Natsu muttered. The truth was that they did trust Gray, but they had been shocked and reacted badly. Natsu's own response had, in retrospect, sounded a lot like an accusation. It was no wonder Gray had shut down on them. "And I screwed this up too. It seems like every time I try to figure out what's going on with him, I make it worse."
"You're trying your best," Lucy said, her eyes softening with sympathy. "Just… Maybe he needs a gentler touch right now. There's no need to rattle him if he's already rattled. He hates when we treat him like we're expecting him to fall apart at the slightest touch, so maybe it's good that you were treating him like normal. But…he's also a little different right now, and maybe we need a new strategy. Pushing and bickering and fighting might have worked before, but they don't seem to be working now."
Natsu wished he had any kind of idea what would work with Gray now. He did want to help, but he hadn't taken it seriously enough—or perhaps he had taken it too seriously—and had ultimately made things worse. He wanted to at least fix whatever damage he had done, but Gray's mercurial responses made him afraid to try. He did not remember Gray being this complicated before the year they'd spent apart. Now it seemed like everything was a minefield. Or maybe it would have been okay if he hadn't charged in looking for mines in the first place and then been surprised when they blew up in his face.
But despite his misgivings…it would be a really shitty thing to give up on Gray because of a couple of missteps. Natsu had never been a quitter.
"Right," he said. "I'll go talk to him."
"Are you crazy?" Gajeel asked.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Happy said, tail lashing in agitation.
"He's really upset right now," Cana added. "Like, he looked awful. And he said to leave him alone."
"I'm not going to…" Natsu let out a breath and rubbed at his face wearily. "I'm not going to rile him up or press him to talk about anything. I'm just going to apologize. If he doesn't want to talk after that, I'll just leave."
He had no grand plans or ideas. He didn't think he would magically say the exact right thing to get through to Gray and make everything better. All he could do was offer an apology for the mistakes he'd made and give Gray an opportunity, an olive branch. Whether or not Gray was ready to take it would be up to him. Forcing Natsu's schedule had not worked thus far. They would have to go at Gray's pace.
Happy looked doubtful. "Do you think he could actually manage that?" he whispered loudly to Lucy.
Natsu glared at him.
"Do you think that maybe you should wait for a little while first?" Lucy suggested. "Give him some time to cool down?"
"I…don't think he needs time to cool down," Natsu said slowly, remembering the desolation written across Gray's face, the utter defeat and exhaustion. "Not anymore, at least. He did look awful and… He's been alone a lot, don't you think?"
Happy and Lucy did not look convinced, but Erza nodded decisively.
"It's risky," she said. "But worth a shot. As long as you absolutely don't push him any further. If things start spiraling, you need to leave and give him some space."
"I can't believe you're going along with this," Happy muttered.
"He's hurting," she said quietly. "He's had no support system for months. We talked a little while he was in Avatar, but… Every call had a risk of discovery attached to it, so we couldn't talk often or for long. And he never wanted to worry me, so he always pretended he was okay even when he wasn't. I'm sure he'll learn how to rely on us again once he's had some time to recuperate from Avatar, but… He could use a hand. Honestly, I want to talk to him too, once I figure out what to say."
"Anyway," Natsu said more cheerily to combat the ring of glum faces, "we're heading off to Alvarez in a couple of days. Might as well sort things out before then."
Lucy's eyes still shone with worry, but she managed a small smile. "I suppose that would be best. Just be careful. Good luck, Natsu."
He'd need all the luck he could get. With the guild's hesitant blessing, he set off.
Gray's scent was still fresh, and Natsu followed the trail through the streets until he ended up outside an apartment building. Gray must have gotten his affairs back in order after returning to Magnolia. Or maybe he had kept his apartment all along. Honestly, Natsu hadn't asked after the minutiae of everyone's lives during the time they were apart.
He hesitated, but then took a deep breath and knocked on the door. No one answered.
"Gray?" he said. "Gray, it's me."
No sound came from inside, and Natsu debated his options. He could leave, since it seemed like Gray didn't actually want to let him in and he wasn't supposed to be pushing. He could sit here and try to explain himself through the door and hope he said just the right thing to convince Gray to let him in.
Instead, he opted for the third option: he circled around the building and broke in through the window. This was probably the riskiest option, but the window was unlocked and he took it as an auspicious sign.
He clambered over the sill and looked around the bedroom, but it was empty. Tiptoeing across the floor, he peered around the doorframe into the living room. Gray sat on the couch, knees tucked to his chest, staring blankly at the wall. A less auspicious start. Natsu hesitated again, but then decided he might as well go all in.
"Hey," he said awkwardly, crossing the floor to perch on the other end of the couch.
Gray's gaze followed his progress, and then he closed his eyes and let out his breath in a sigh, looking more defeated than ever.
Natsu squirmed. "Look… I'm not here to bug you or poke at you or whatever. I know you said you wanted space. If you want me to go, I'll go. I just…wanted to apologize first. I know I've been…kind of pressuring you a lot lately? I mean, I wanted to help and figure out what was going on with you, but I should have stopped when I was just upsetting you more. So I'm sorry."
Gray opened his eyes and studied Natsu, resting his chin on his knees. "Oh," he said finally, sounding a little distant. "It's okay. Thank you."
He offered nothing else, and Natsu had no idea where to go from here.
"I'll leave if you want me to," he said again. "We just…are worried about you? You've kind of been alone a lot and…"
Gray sighed and closed his eyes again. "Do what you want," he said tiredly.
"Oh… Okay."
Natsu did not know what he wanted to do or what he should do, which were probably not the same things. He was afraid to press about Avatar or what had happened in the guild or with Chimera, and he didn't know what else to talk about. Gray didn't seem to be in a talking or joking mood, which severely limited his options.
They sat in silence for a long time, each second ticking past slowly like an eternity. Natsu tried not to shift around impatiently, but he had never been any good at hiding his boredom.
"When I said you couldn't go undercover in a dark guild, it wasn't a bad thing," Gray said finally, slowly. "It wasn't an insult. You have too much self-respect to play their games and let them twist you around. You want to save every person as the chance arises instead of making sacrifices for some greater good at the end. Your morals are unshakable, your beliefs uncompromising. That's…not a bad thing. I thought mine were too, until I was thrown in headfirst. I wish they were."
Natsu chewed on the inside of his cheek, afraid to say the wrong thing. "But we needed you, didn't we?" he said carefully. "You were trying to save thousands of people in the long run. I would have blown my cover to save one or two and missed out on stopping the purification ritual. It's not…always cold to be pragmatic or play the long game. Just different ways of approaching life."
Gray didn't open his eyes, but one corner of his mouth curled upwards in an unamused half-smile. "Oh, yes. It's unbelievable pressure to have thousands of lives resting on your shoulders. But if we had been wrong or I screwed up later down the line… What would it mean then? It's a risk to sacrifice things along the way if you don't know it will even be worth it in the end."
"You did the best you could with what you were given. We're worried about the things you may have had to do…but not because we think you went over to the dark side or anything. We're worried that you got hurt because of whatever you were forced into, even if it wasn't your choice. That's all."
Gray cracked his eyes open and stared past Natsu. "I didn't kill anyone."
"Of course not!" Natsu winced. "That isn't what Lucy was going to ask, you know. We're afraid that if you had to do something you didn't agree with, you'll beat yourself up over it. We're not trying to accuse you of anything. Just trying to understand, maybe, so that we know how to help."
Gray stayed quiet before saying, "I didn't kill anyone, but they did. And I didn't stop them."
"Gray…"
"I didn't blow my cover for them, because what if I saved one person and lost my chance to stop the purification ritual? And then I'd have thousands of deaths on my head. But I can still hear the screaming. You would have fought to save each one. Erza would have. Lucy would have. Even Happy. Everyone would have. But I didn't."
Natsu had no idea what to say to that. In truth, he couldn't imagine knowing someone was in danger and not running to help. But he had not been put in the situation Gray had been thrust into. He had not felt the threat of potentially thousands of dead hanging over his head. He had not felt trapped or threatened or afraid of what might happen if he was outed as a traitor. So really, he couldn't say for sure what choices he might have made. Maybe he would have weighed his options and come to the same conclusion as Gray after all. Maybe he would have blown his cover the first time he was faced with a moral dilemma. Maybe he would have just cracked under the pressure.
It wasn't his place to judge the choices Gray had made, and it would be foolish to think he would have been the one to find a magical way to save every last person. Gray had chosen what he perceived to be the greater good and fought tooth and nail to make it to the end so they could stop the grand finale. There were no easy options there.
"Maybe," Natsu said. "But we weren't there, so we'll never know. And if we had been, maybe we would have screwed it up and way more people would have died. You did what you thought you had to, right? And you saved a lot of people in the end. Maybe that really was the best way to make sure the most people survived."
"Maybe," Gray muttered, unconvinced.
Natsu chewed on the inside of his cheek, wishing he had any idea of the right thing to say. He did not think that reasoning with Gray was getting through to him.
"I'm sorry," he said when he couldn't think of anything else. "That you were put in that position and had to make those choices. Maybe there was really no right choice. It sucks. But I know that you did your best, and I don't think any of us could have done any better."
Gray let out his breath slowly, his arms tightening around his legs. "You asked if I was upset about the things I did or the things that were done to me, and… Those were bad too, but it's the things I didn't do that haunt me the most. The things I stood back and let happen even when I wanted to jump in. I told myself that I didn't really have a choice, that it was an impossible situation and stepping in would only make things worse, but… I'm not sure if that's actually true or just a pretty lie I told myself to feel better about it."
"Did it?" Natsu asked. "Make you feel better?"
Gray shook his head once. "No, not really."
"Then I guess it must have been the truth."
Gray slowly unhooked his arms from around his legs and pressed his hands to his eyes, hunching over on himself. He didn't say anything for a long time, and Natsu shifted about uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry we made you feel like we didn't trust you," he said carefully. "Or that we expected the worst of you. That wasn't…really our intention. We were just caught by surprise and reacted badly."
"It's fine," Gray mumbled. "I get it. My Avatar persona isn't pleasant. It was a reasonable assumption to make."
"Honestly, your Avatar persona is scary as hell," Natsu said before he thought better of it, and then winced. "But…like…it was meant to be, right? It had to be? We know it's a mask and not who you really are."
"Yes," Gray said, his voice muffled through his fingers. "But…I did have to do things I'm not proud of, and the things I let happen… I was mostly left out of the torturing bit and interacting with prisoners because I acted like I wasn't interested and didn't want to be bothered with it, but… I was expected to help sometimes. I did hurt people, Natsu. I did my best to get out of it and find strategies to get what I needed without going too far, but… Sometimes people did get hurt. It's not that unreasonable for you to assume that I did bad things."
"You shouldn't trust a survivor until you know what they did to survive," Natsu said slowly, recalling the bitter words Gray had thrown at them before.
"Yeah."
"That Chimera guy…? You just did that thing you did to me? With the pressure points or whatever?"
"Basically. Honestly, I barely touched him, though. I mostly just scared the shit out of him."
"I believe you," Natsu said. The rest of them had made good progress with their own tasks before the leader had ever started screaming, and he hadn't screamed for long. There had been plenty of time for Gray to talk or threaten him before ever resorting to anything stronger.
"I mean, not that that's great either, I guess," Gray said. "But I wouldn't– That's not something I would normally do. Just… He was a dark mage, Natsu. I know how their brains work. I told you, they respond better to threats than asking nicely. I wouldn't, like, just accost some innocent person on the street."
"I believe you," Natsu said again. "You've had to deal with a dark guild before, so I assume you know how to handle dark mages better than we do. It's okay. And, I mean, my arm is totally fine. It wasn't even that bad, as long as I didn't struggle or whatever."
Gray dropped his hands and wrapped his arms around his knees again. "It's not meant to be one of the main pain points," he said hollowly. "It hurts, but mostly it's for immobilizing your opponent. And since it blocks magic flow, it tends to make mages panic. They feel helpless and afraid, and they're more likely to cooperate. It's a pretty effective threat if you play your cards right."
"Gray…" Natsu swallowed hard. "How did you learn about those?"
He thought he knew. "I didn't scream," Gray had said. He had implied he'd been tortured, even if only Happy and Lucy had picked up on it at first.
Gray fixed him with a flat look. "Firsthand experience. Relax. They didn't do anything too…permanent to me. I wouldn't be any good to them disabled. They just do some hazing and shit. And I guess at first they want you to feel trapped and defenseless in the hope that if you're a spy, you'll panic and blow your cover. But I didn't, so they more or less left me alone after that. It was mostly just because they knew I came from Fairy Tail and didn't trust me."
Natsu did not like the sound of that, even with Gray downplaying it. "I don't think–"
"Forget that. It doesn't matter. The things I did were worse. So yes, it's reasonable for you to doubt me, and it's silly to be upset about it when I did do some of those things. Just… I fought so hard and sacrificed so much and risked everything to not become that person, that dark mage, and to have you think that I am…or could be…even after all that… It hurts, I guess. It's like I can't run away from who I had to be, and I feel like I'm drowning if I get cornered back into it, even for a few minutes. It's already so hard, and I didn't want you to see me like that or think that…"
"Gray Fullbuster!" Natsu snapped, his voice cracking like a whip. "That is not what we think." Gray blinked at him in surprise, and then in a kind of horrified fascination. "We never once thought you were any kind of dark mage. I mean, okay, we kind of debated whether those weird markings and devil slayer magic might have messed up your head while we were stuck in torture central, but we never thought you'd join a dark guild of your own free will. Honestly, the undercover thing would have made a lot more sense from the start, but we just didn't know enough about Avatar to see why that would be necessary.
"And really, you were undercover. We don't think you had a grand old time or became any kind of dark mage while you were in there. We assumed that maybe you had to do some unpleasant things, and maybe you'd be capable of doing them again if you felt you had to. But we never thought you would do any of it by choice. We trust that you only did what was necessary and didn't cross any line that didn't need to be crossed. We were just afraid you'd be a mess if… Well, Happy and the girls were, anyway. I admit that I was slow to the game, but they're smarter than I am."
He hesitated and then leaned forward, softening. "You were wrong, you know," he said more quietly. "I don't know if it was just part of your Avatar persona or if you really thought that, but… You are a good person, Gray. We never thought otherwise."
Gray stared at him for a long moment, and then his face seemed to crumple in slow motion. His breath hitched, and he buried his face in his knees.
"Well, shit," Natsu muttered, hovering uselessly. Gray offered no response, and Natsu waited helplessly for a few minutes before sighing. "I wish you'd give me a hint of what I should actually say. I don't understand how to help you, and I feel like I'm only ever making it worse."
Gray raised his head again, his eyes glassy and rimmed faintly with red but dry. "It's not… You're doing fine," he said tiredly. "Just don't always push at me so much all the time, and I'll be fine. I'm not really ready to talk about Avatar any more than this." He hesitated and then added, "Also, I don't like feeling caged."
"Yeah, sure. I won't keep backing you into corners."
"No, just…" Gray pursed his lips and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Another good strategy for surviving a dark guild is to always pay attention to what's going on around you and have an exit strategy. You can't look paranoid, because that's a weakness. But you should always pay attention, and you should have an escape route if you need to get out of a situation. I get nervous if you cut off my escape routes."
Natsu squinted at him, trying to parse his meaning and coming up empty, but then his eyes widened. "The door," he said. "You only attacked me when I got between you and the door."
He had known Gray was trying to leave, and he had just wanted to stop him. He hadn't considered that that was much the same as trapping Gray in a situation he didn't want to be in.
"Yeah…" Gray grimaced and dropped his hand. "It's stupid, but… I hate feeling penned in. I hate being surprised or snuck up on or blocked from leaving if I want to go."
"Oh, I'm so stupid," Natsu marveled. "We noticed you were always watching everything, but…"
"Nah," Gray sighed. "It was nothing you needed to know. But since you asked."
"Erza was thinking that…maybe you don't feel entirely safe in the guild?" Natsu ventured cautiously.
Gray blew out a breath. "It's not the guild. It's everywhere."
"Yeah, just… We want you to feel safe."
"It's not… Look, the answer you're looking for is time. It's only been a couple of weeks. I just need some time to come to terms with everything and adjust again. More than anything, a dark guild is just a toxic place full of toxic people. It's not like Fairy Tail or a proper guild at all. In between the bad things that happen, there's this ugly atmosphere of mistrust and cruelty and… It makes you paranoid when you can't trust anyone and you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It keeps you strung tight and on high alert all the time, and that's exhausting. Fairy Tail is…"
Gray swallowed hard, eyes shimmering. "Fairy Tail is different. I'm glad it's reforming. I missed it a lot. It was my lifeline when I was a kid, the thing that pulled me through. And it will be my lifeline again, I know it will. You guys have always been my North Star, and I'll follow you anywhere. I just…need some time to get used to it again. I'm not used to trusting anymore. It's harder than it used to be. But it will be okay. I just need a little time to unwind and readjust and forget how awful Avatar was. That's all."
Natsu opened his mouth, but he didn't know what to say. He was saved from finding the words when a loud knock shattered the silence. They both jumped and looked towards the door.
"Great," Gray said, wiping the vulnerability from his face as if by magic and summoning up a pale facsimile of irritation to replace it. "Who did you guys assign to check that we weren't killing each other?"
"Huh? No one." Natsu paused and then added, "Erza did say she wanted to talk to you at some point, though. She was actually on board with me coming, but she might have wanted to take precautions."
Gray winced. "Awesome."
He swung his legs over the side of the couch and stood stiffly, stretching and heading for the door.
"Hey," Natsu griped. "You didn't answer the door for me."
"I didn't have to. You came through the window." Gray turned back, a strangely hesitant look on his face, just in time to catch Natsu rolling his eyes. "I'm…sorry about almost twisting your arm off."
"Hardly. You weren't actually trying to hurt me. And I did provoke you."
"Yeah, you're pretty annoying…" Gray looked away. "Thanks, though. For always trying to help, even if you sometimes do it in the most annoying way possible."
"Whatever," Natsu said, but he relaxed a little. If nothing else, it was good to know he hadn't screwed it up too badly this time.
The knock sounded again. "Gray?" Erza asked. "Are you in there?"
"Good call," Gray muttered, turning away again.
He opened the door. Erza stared back at him, her hand still raised to knock again. Then she threw herself at him and wrapped him in what Natsu had no doubt was a bone-crushing hug. Gray stumbled back a pace with a grunt and wrapped an arm around her as well.
"Oh, Gray," she said. "I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Natsu didn't misbehave, did he?"
"Natsu was fine," he murmured, rocking them around half a turn so that he could lean back and kick the door shut with his foot.
"Yeah, we were just talking about how Gray is going to come back to the guild tomorrow to help with final preparations," Natsu said. "He's ready and raring to go find Jii-chan."
Gray cast him an aggrieved look over Erza's head. "Whatever. Yes, fine."
Natsu managed a small smile, but it faded when he heard Erza sniffling into Gray's shirt. Gray sighed and tangled his other hand in her hair, holding her close.
"It's okay, Erza," he murmured. "We're okay. It's over now."
Natsu could tell from the dull look in Gray's eyes that it was not over, not by a long shot. And maybe it never really would be. But they had made a start, and Gray was nothing if not a survivor. Natsu trusted him to pull through.
Natsu stood and crossed the room. He hesitated before putting one hand on Erza's back in a hopefully comforting gesture and the other on Gray's shoulder.
Gray looked at him unblinkingly over Erza's head, eyes dark and glassy, but then nodded once in acceptance. "Yes," he said. "We're going to be fine."