"I hate you," Arthur says, completely without prompting.

Merlin—who is suitably offended—demands, "Why?"

Arthur simply gestures to their surroundings, indicating the fact that they are currently in a chicken coop in the middle of Lower Town, trudging through the feed while searching for an enchanted necklace. It's the middle of the night, too—the moon is barely providing enough light and Arthur threatened to murder Merlin when he offered to light something on fire to get some better visuals. Merlin takes this all in and then has the audacity to say, "Well, this is your fault, so I don't see why you hate me."

"My fault?" asks Arthur, throwing down his rake. "Who dragged us out for an illegal search of an illegal object during my cousin's birthday party?"

"Second cousin," mutters Merlin, and then says, "and either way, who brought the necklace in the first place?"

"My cousin!"

"And you believed her when she handed you a glowing necklace and claimed that it somehow wasn't magical! I know you're new to this but let me give you a little suggestion: if it glows, it probably has magic!" Merlin gestures at the ground. "And besides, it's your bloody dogs that ran it into a chicken coop, and it's your bloody dogs that slaughtered this poor family's chickens!"

"It was one dog!"

"You're a shit trainer!"

"I just got the dog a week ago! I'm a prince, not a wizard! Unlike you, who is supposed to be the most powerful warlock ever and yet can't find a single necklace!"

Merlin, who is stressed and in an understandably awful mood (because really, Arthur seems willing to accept any explanation except the reality that his eight-year-old angel of a cousin is actually a conniving little shit), does something he's never before had the courage to do: he throws his rake at Arthur. Only years of skill ensure Arthur ducks out of the rake's way, and after it clatters on the ground, he and Merlin are left in complete and utter silence. Then, evenly, Arthur says, "After this whole ordeal is over, you are going to scrub every inch of my chamber floors with a toothbrush and if there is even a speck of dust left over, I will send you to the stocks."

"I'll do whatever you want," Merlin says, "after you find the necklace that your prat of a cousin gave you!"

"She's eight!"

"My point still stands!"

It's at that moment that they hear hooves thundering down the cobblestone paths. Arthur doesn't even have time to hide before three horses have arrived upon them, a torch illuminating the scene with complete clarity. Upon two of the horses are knights of Camelot…and upon the third is Uther Pendragon himself, gracing Lower Town with his (questionable) glory as he stares at his son in silence.

Arthur, panicking, glances over at Merlin…only to find him vanished. That little fucker—

"Arthur," says Uther, "what is the meaning of this?"

Think fast. "I was observing," says Arthur.

"Observing…?"

"Observing," Arthur confirms. "The chicken feed, I mean." He scuffs the ground with his foot. "Rather amazing, isn't it?"

"I suppose?" says Uther, more of a question than a statement.

Emboldened, Arthur continues, "It's really amazing what the peasantry can achieve, keeping such rambunctious animals with ease."

"Right," says Uther. Then, "You left your cousin's party to admire a chicken coop?"

"I'm sure Oriana won't mind."

"As a matter of fact, she burst into tears when she realized you were gone. She demanded that you be fetched at once."

Listen, Arthur adores his little cousin—he really does!—but right now he really, really hates her. "I'm sorry. Let me set the coop back as it was and I will return to the castle." When Uther and the knights don't move, he says, "Go on. She may cry more if you don't return quickly. I'll be right behind you."

"…Of course."

As Arthur watches the three horses trot away, Merlin emerges beside him—or, rather, he suddenly reappears into existence. Arthur, who is not used to such feats of magic, jumps away with a muffled shriek. He notices that Merlin is covered in a significant amount of dirt and grime and that, in his hands, he's clutching the necklace. "Where the hell were you?"

"Well, I heard the horses and I saw Uther and I got scared so I tried to, you know, make myself invisible or something, but then I fell into an alternate reality where I could see you but there was a layer on top preventing me from interacting with you, you know? Well, I found the necklace there—it was growing very brightly, I couldn't miss it—and I had to tear a hole in the fabric of reality but now I'm back."

Arthur stares at Merlin. "You…ripped a hole in the fabric of reality?"

"It was quite simple, actually."

Arthur says, "How did the necklace end up there, anyway?"

"My best guess is that your new dog might not be a normal dog." Merlin gestures to the coop. "It got in and killed the chickens, yes…but there aren't any remnants left. When I fell into the alternate dimension, I saw bloody chicken guts everywhere. Also, side note, the alternate dimension smells atrocious."

Arthur puts his face in his hands. "Just…get rid of the thing. And replace the chickens while you're at it—this poor family deserved better."

"Of course, sire."

In the end, Arthur doesn't make Merlin scrub the floors with a toothbrush, instead opting to lend him to little Oriana for the remainder of her stay. Merlin seems like he would much rather prefer the stocks but Arthur is not feeling particularly merciful, deciding to savor his power over Merlin who is apparently an actual god, though he may deny it. Ah, the pleasures of being a prince.

The morning after Oriana's party, however, Arthur wakes up to a surprise: three chickens lined up at the foot of his bed, content to nestle in fallen sheets. Arthur spends ten minutes staring at it before Merlin bustles into the room. "Arthur, did you know your brat of a cousin just—why are there chickens here?"

"I don't know," says Arthur. "I was hoping you would have some idea."

Merlin inches closer. "There's a note on the floor."

"Read it."

As it turns out, Uther interpreted Arthur's actions as an interest in livestock farming, which he saw as beneath the full-time attention of a prince but something that could be a decent hobby if he was that taken with it. And so Uther, in all his magnanimity, has arranged for Arthur to take care of three chickens.

"This is your fault," says Arthur.

Merlin just laughs.

A/N: this entire fic will be really self-indulgent 3 bc listen we were robbed of arthur knowing about merlin's powers in the first three seasons and then covering for him to uther as merlin goes and saves the day. it would have been hilarious and we deserved it!

anyway i hope you liked it and if you did please FAVORITE, FOLLOW, and REVIEW