I
This is my first story about Charlotte and Amelia, a friendship I really enjoyed on the show. This chapter is rated M. trigger warnings: talking about sexual violence.
Amelia was the only one who didn't treat her like she was a glass-doll, breaking with just a look. Actually, she had to admit that the others were seeming to forget it sometimes, after these months. She was happy about that: her friends at the practice acting normal again when they were talking cases or business. Sometimes, she even sensed some fear when she turned all bitchy and bossy. Just like it was before. But every time conversations would turn personal -which happened a lot at the practice- she felt that pity in their eyes. Everyone was so involved in each others lives and hell, sometimes it felt like a high school, all the talking and gossiping about boys and women and sex and who loved who. But that was were it sting. People didn't dare to ask her questions or to ask her for advice. As if everything involving a body and love and sex was too painful yet.
She hated that they were kind of right. She was angry that they treated her like a glass-doll, but she also wasn't sure if she could respond the way she always did: she used to love talking about sex and love but she didn't anymore, since the attack.
Amelia was the only one who never talked about all that stuff to her, before. Amelia was open, ad rem, never shy to give answers and she didn't had a filter. She loved to talk, so much that Sam had to stop her a lot of times in her rambling sessions. Charlotte smiled at the memories of that. But then, she felt Amelia wasn't actually really open about her personal life. On the surface it looked like she always was telling how she felt and what was happening, but if you'd listen more closely, it never touched the important topics. Charlotte didn't push her to do so, she thought Amelia had enough of that pushing and therapy-kinda-talk with Addison, who seemed to be all motherly at times.
That was why Charlotte loved to hang out with Amelia these last months. After her attack, it had been incredibly hard to feel relaxed in her body again and to talk with Cooper about it. Cooper was amazing, so caring, and although she felt like he had to wait too long, he always pressed her on the heart that he could wait a lifetime being intimate again. She loved him for it, but still, it was hard to actually talk about it, to let him know how her body really felt to her. All these thoughts were hard to ignore and they were running around in her body. But every time she was with Amelia, she felt herself relax a bit as they were talking about stupid small things or playing small games. Amelia never looked at her with pity in her eyes.
Charlotte was closing her files in her office while beams of sunlight danced on the ceiling. It was late, almost everyone left the practice already and she thought about what kind of dinner Cooper was probably making. Some movement outside her door caught her eye and she saw a glimp of Amelia rushing by, making her way out. A bit to quick. Charlotte sensed something and stood up.
'Hé, Amelia!' she made her way to the door.
Amelia took a moment before turning around, taking a deep but shaky breath.
'Hi Char, I was just on my way…' Amelia smiled bright but Charlotte saw that her eyes were glossy. She immediately felt some worry growing in the pit of her stomach.
'Okay…' she didn't know what to say. Amelia turned around and made her way to the elevator. In a split-second Charlotte decided to not take Amelia's answer for granted.
'Sweetie, what is going on?' Charlotte folded her arms and was leaning against the door. Amelia stopped walking but didn't turn around immediately. Charlotte had a feeling that she was whipping a tear from her cheek.
'I am fine, Charlotte, nothing you have to worry about.' Amelia looked at her with confidence and a bigger smile now. She asked: 'What are your plans for tonight?' to change the topic.
Charlotte watched her.
'I am going to have a tea in my late-afternoon sunny office with my friend,' she said while she held out her hand, offering Amelia to join her. Amelia hesitated for a minute, but then followed Charlotte into her office.
They sipped from their teas in silence. The last rays of sunlight gave a pleasant warm feeling on their heads. Charlotte was thinking a bit. She felt Amelia was relaxing a bit more next to her, but she didn't say a word.
'Amelia, can I ask you something?' Amelia nodded next to her.
'Is it possible that you are not telling me what is going on, because you feel like you can't talk problems with me, because you and I only talk about nice things these days, because you know how much I enjoy it and how much it distracts me?'
Amelia stayed silent for a while.
'You know Charlotte, I don't feel pity for you, I really don't. I don't want to treat you differently because…because of what happened. But I enjoy our small talk and little games as well, they make me feel lighter.'
Charlotte felt what Amelia just said with these words. These happy moments they had together helped her in a way too. Charlotte felt embarrassed that she never thought of that: Amelia coming to her to have some fun to escape something of herself as well. Charlotte let this realization sink in for a moment.
'Why do you feel upset right now?' she asked softly. Amelia looked her in the eyes for a moment, searching for a confirmation that it was really okay to talk about more heavy stuff. But then she shook her head a little bit.
'I really don't want to talk to you about this.'
Charlotte nodded. 'Do you talk to anybody about…' she thought a second. 'You?'
Amelia didn't look her in the eyes and smirked a bit.
'Addison is quite good in, you know, seeing through me. But lately I don't feeling like sharing what-' Amelia stopped talking when she realized she almost said what was going on.
Charlotte felt she was close to let Amelia speak, and she putted her hand on her knee. She didn't expect Amelia to flinch at the sudden touch. The feeling of worry nestled a bit deeper in the pit of Charlotte's stomach. Amelia stood up and reached for the teapot on the desk, despite te fact their mugs are still halfway full. It was silent.
'Amelia?' Charlotte asked carefully. Amelia didn't respond. Charlotte didn't push. That was exactly what she hated when other people did. After a while, she felt the need to say something herself, for the first time in months. As if the words came up in her, all the way from her stomach, finding a way out through her mouth.
'I still can't have Cooper touching me,' she said quietly, a bit more to herself than to Amelia. Amelia didn't look surprised when Charlotte said these words. She handed her a full mug and rested against the desk, not sitting down next to Charlotte yet.
'That sounds completely normal to me,' Amelia stated. Charlotte smiled a bit. This is what she liked so much about Amelia, instead of loading her with sorry's and pity, she just made her feel a little bit less like a freak. 'Does it? It has been months,' Charlotte asked.
'Months for something this big, is like minutes,' Amelia responded softly, looking at Charlotte for the first time. Charlotte felt her breath a bit stuck in her throat. How did Amelia know exactly how it felt? A bad feeling creeped up on her. 'It does,' she replied softly. It was quiet again.
'Did you uhm, try? Amelia asked carefully, not knowing how much Charlotte wanted to elaborate. Charlotte took a deep breath, feeling that she really was having a conversation about this now, for the first time, with somebody else then Cooper. Even in therapy, she always tried to avoid the topic.
'No, we didn't try to actually 'fuck', but we try to be intimate again, you know, like cuddling and kissing and stuff. One step at a time. Didn't manage yet to let that happen without problems,' Charlotte said with a grin. She wanted to make this lighthearted, to joke about it, but she knew that was not fair towards herself and Cooper. Amelia had swallowed at the word 'fuck' and came sitting next to Charlotte again. Next to each other on the couch there was no direct eye contact, it felt more safe.
'How do you try?' Amelia asked softly. Her hands fiddled with the teabag in the mug. Charlotte watched Amelia closely. The worry in her stomach had subsided a little bit but she felt it flame up again. She didn't know exactly what was going on, but something told her Amelia needed her to talk.
'Can I?' Charlotte asked looking at Amelia's hand. Normally she wouldn't ask to grab the hand of her friend, but since she flinched at the sudden contact before, Charlotte wanted to be careful.
Amelia nodded, wondering what Charlotte was planning to do.
Charlotte grabbed Amelia's hand softly.
'We start by laying in bed, just holding hands, nothing else.' She started stroking Amelia's palm with her own thumb.
'Just touching, holding one hand, holding both hands, trying to feel safe…' Charlotte's voice drifted off while she was watching their hands. She didn't see that Amelia's eyes had gone glossy again.
Charlotte continued. 'Normally, before the…before the attack, I used to fall asleep all cuddled up in Cooper's arms. That didn't happen since then. So, we hold hands, sometimes touching each others arms, and we work towards that cuddle now first, I think.'
Amelia didn't look Charlotte in the eyes, but kept her eyes focused on their hands. She started stroking Charlotte's hand as well.
'That seems like a good way, to me.' Amelia's voice sounded low. Charlotte sensed the emotion and was worried to see Amelia's eyes wet again. Charlotte thought for a moment before putting her other hand on top of both of theirs. She felt Amelia next to her inhale a bit sharper. In that moment, Charlotte decided to take a step.
'Amelia, I want you to know that I don't crumble to the ground if you tell me what happened to you. I am here for you, just as much as you are here for me.' She didn't know if this would be the step that would take Amelia running out of her office. But she had to try. Charlotte continued, almost whispering.
'You need to know I don't have the exclusive rights of talking about harassment, just because I was raped in my office.'
The air grew tick. This was the first time Charlotte used the word without feeling anxious, without being with Cooper or without crying during therapy. She almost felt proud of it, wasn't it that Amelia froze. Her hands still in between Charlotte's. Charlotte kept on stroking softly.
'Amelia…'
Amelia swallowed the lump in her throat, but it didn't disappear. Then she started.
'I feel like I can't tell you, because it it absolutely nothing compared to what happened to you,' she said almost whispering.
Charlotte sighed. She understood, of course she understood. She probably would have the same perspective standing in Amelia's shoes. But now, she felt incredibly sorry for her friend for feeling this way. It is not fair to compare problems and trauma's and sorrow, everyone is going through their own stuff and if you would think like this, there is always someone having it worst than you do.
'You absolutely can talk to me about it, darling. Just like before what happened to me. What happened to me is no excuse to lighten your experiences,' she stated and she really hoped Amelia would get it.
She saw Amelia think for a moment.
'A week after your attack, someone touched me and I didn't want him to.' Amelia said slowly. Charlotte felt a flame of anger in her body. Amelia stayed quiet and Charlotte thought about the difference between Amelia now; quiet and insecure, and Amelia normally; happy in the practice, not being able to stop rambling.
'Do you want to tell me what happened?' Charlotte asked.
Amelia took her hand out of Charlotte's, to create some space. For the first time, she looked Charlotte in the eyes, again trying to search for confirmation that it was okay and safe to talk. Charlotte nodded at the unspoken question.
'I was at a bar, with Sheldon and Violet and Cooper,' she started. Charlotte remembered that evening: it was almost a month after the attack and Cooper really didn't want to leave her alone, but she insisted on him going, to loose up a bit, to have some distraction. Also, she wanted the time alone in the house, to have space to cry as loud as she could without Cooper being over-worried. Charlotte nodded.
'I didn't drink or anything, you know,' Amelia said quickly. Charlotte sussed.
'You don't have to prove that to me, I know you don't.' Amelia saw the trust in Charlotte's eyes.
'It was quite late, but everyone had a good time, a bit forced, but everyone needed this light moments after this weeks with you…' Amelia almost felt guilty telling this.
'I went outside to sent Addison a message that I was not coming home in an hour or so, so she wouldn't worry. Just before I wanted to go inside, this guy asked me for a cigarette. I said I didn't smoke and wanted to walk past him, still looking at my phone, and then he grabbed me by my arm and pushed me to the wall next to the bar.'
Charlotte felt her breath speed up but she didn't want Amelia to notice, afraid she wouldn't want to continue talking, afraid to trigger something in her. Charlotte was not sure if that was a possibility but strangely enough she felt quite steady, it was just her breath responding differently. Amelia noticed the change of breathing as well and she quickly stood up.
'I am sorry Charlotte, I really don't think-' Charlotte grabbed her hand quickly, hoping Amelia wouldn't walk away.
'It is fine honey, please, tell me what happened and let me help you.' Charlotte gave Amelia a warm smile. No pity, she made sure there was no pity in her smile. Amelia sat down again and Charlotte reached for her hand carefully again. Amelia let her hold her hand.
'It is not that bad,' she started again. Charlotte doubted that.
'But he pushed me against the wall and asked why I didn't look him in the eyes, if I felt better than him because I didn't look him in the eyes.' She swallowed.
'He uhm, pushed me against the wall with his whole body and I felt very trapped. He hold my face with one hand and uhm…' she tried to swallow the big lump in her throat but it didn't disappear. Charlotte was afraid of what was coming.
'He squeezed my breasts rough, and he went between my legs.' Amelia was almost whispering again, her voice sounding low. Charlotte stroke her hand a bit more to encourage her to continue.
'I couldn't escape but I also couldn't make a sound, I was scared. He, uhm, went inside, with one finger, just a little bit, quickly, and I didn't understand how he'd managed to get in my pants that fast, but then I remembered I was wearing my lose black pantalon, but he went out very quick, because someone, someone was coming out of the cafe, and then he stepped back quickly and gave me a kiss on the cheek, making it look like we knew each other, waving and smiling and walking inside and saying he would see me soon…' Amelia rambled a bit, not directly to Charlotte, who was watching her carefully in disbelief. Charlotte felt rage waking up inside her, the same feeling she had after a couple of days after her attack, when the anxiety sometimes made place for this strong feeling of rage and anger and disbelief.
'Oh Amelia…' she couldn't help herself saying.
'But as I said, this isn't half as bad as what happened to you, you know, so please forget what I said, I shouldn't have told-'
'Amelia, please stop,' Charlotte interrupted. It was silent for a second.
'Can I hold you?' Charlotte asked carefully. Charlotte knew she was being a hypocrite right now: she didn't want to be touched for weeks, months even, didn't want anyones well-meant hugs and love. But she felt she wanted to hold Amelia: not being hold herself, but hold someone she cared so much about.
Amelia shook her head. So they stayed next to each other, a safe space between them but Charlotte still stroking Amelia's hand.
'You must have felt terrible,' Charlotte said softly. Amelia nodded slowly.
'I went in afterwards, played pool again with Cooper,' she said with a cold smile on her face. As if she didn't believe herself. 'I didn't want to realize what just happened.' Charlotte nodded.
'If I know you well…You didn't tell anyone back there, right?' She asked.
Amelia didn't say anything but looked at Charlotte's eyes. Charlotte saw her eyes getting wet again. A tear was forming in the corner of Amelia's blue eyes.
'No I didn't. Oh god, I can't believe of all people I told you now, I am a terrible person for putting all of this on you.'
Charlotte sussed.
'You are not Amelia, I am glad you told me. You will feel lighter now you shared it, trust me.' Amelia looked at her again. Without saying anything, it was clear Charlotte was talking out of experience.
'I didn't notice anything Amelia, these last months. I feel bad that I didn't, I'm sorry.' Charlotte felt a lump in her throat now. Amelia released her hand from Charlotte's, just to switch roles.
'No no Charlotte, don't feel sorry, please. I am glad you didn't actually, I enjoyed our games and chitchat last months,' Amelia gave a sincere smile. Charlotte felt a bit relieved.
'Can I ask you one more question?'
Amelia nodded.
'What caused you this evening to feel emotional again, when I just saw you heading outside?'
Amelia thought for a bit, deciding if she wanted to share this part.
'I got a message of a guy, a really nice man actually, if I was in for a date.' A shy smile formed around her lips. 'We dated quite some time already actually, but we didn't saw each other for half a year because he was working in England, but he's back, and he wanted to continue dating.' Amelia's smile died on her face as quick as it appeared.
'I realized it would be the first time of…since…I haven't seen anyone else anymore since what…' The puzzle clicked in Charlotte's head. She let out a long breath she didn't know she was holding. The way she saw it know, Amelia and she were kind of in the same position maybe: not ready yet to be touched after these events, not knowing if they wanted to, but sure they wanted to try at some point, but not now, not already. Charlotte had so much more questions, she wanted to know if Amelia went to the police, if she had some therapy, probably not, Charlotte was afraid she was the first one Amelia told her experiences to. But this was not the time for these questions. She didn't want to be like the others, like Addison or Cooper or Sheldon, over-worried.
Amelia let out a shivering breath as well, and she looked at Charlotte again. Her blue eyes looked sad. She didn't look away, as if she wanted to find answers in Charlotte's eyes. They were silent again. The tea was cooling down on the table.
'When do you think you are able to let people touch you again?' Charlotte smiled a bit at this question. It sounded like a question directed to her, but she also knew it was a question about Amelia herself as well: when would she be able to be touched again?
'I don't know. I want to take baby steps, not just with Cooper, with anyone,' she looked at Amelia, hoping she would understand that 'anyone' included her as well, especially her in this situation. Charlotte came up with something.
'Amelia, let me know if you are ready to have contact. I want to hold you, anytime.' Charlotte gave her a warm smile. Amelia nodded and smiled carefully. She continued.
'And keep on talking to me please. I don't want you to carry all this weight on your own. I am not the person to insist that you need therapy, although I think it would be helpful, bu I hate it as well. So I will not be the one telling you must go. But please, keep talking to me, Amelia.'
Amelia squeezed her hand a bit.
'Thanks a lot, Charlotte.'