III
Almost 2 weeks after Charlotte's talk with Amelia, she found Amelia hanging on one of the chairs in the kitchen of the office. They returned to little games and small talk a bit, but there were smiles of deeper understanding and Charlotte felt Amelia was a bit nervous around her, because she knew too much now. Amelia never really looked her in the eyes for more time then a second, afraid of how Charlotte would treat her now she knew. Charlotte did get this feeling, she felt the same with all of the people around her. That was why she was incredibly glad Amelia never treated her differently. She hoped Amelia would realize this too. The day after their talk, Amelia stumbled inside Charlotte's office to make excuses again. Charlotte imagined Amelia didn't sleep at all that night, feeling bad to expose so much of herself and telling Charlotte her story. Charlotte, once again, reassured her that she was incredibly happy for her to trust her, and that she never wanted to hear Amelia making excuses again. It looked like Amelia felt a bit more at ease.
Amelia was hanging on one of the chairs and eating some crisps. She was staring at nothing, simply saying goodbye to one of her colleagues leaving. Charlotte entered the kitchen with her dirty cups.
'You not going out?' She asked while putting everything in the dishwasher. It was evening already and Charlotte had to finish one last file before going home.
'Mm, not yet,' Amelia replied absently. She didn't look at Charlotte but fumbled with the package of the crisps.
'Mm, you don't wanna?' Charlotte asked. She looked around and saw Addison's door already closed.
'Addison not gonna cook a nice dinner for you?' she jokily asked. Amelia shrugged her shoulders. 'Addison is away for the weekend. Visiting Naomi in New York,' she tried to say carelessly. Charlotte nodded. 'I see.' She thought about it for a minute and stepped to the other side of the table, to face Amelia more directly but kept herself busy cleaning the table, trying to not make a big deal out of it.
'Is this the first time you're alone in the house at night?' Charlotte knew Amelia would know what she was talking about. Her first night without Cooper being next to her was a big deal, and although Amelia and Addison were just flatmates, she knew that the feeling of being alone in the house could cause a lot of anxiety. Amelia took a hand full of crisps to gain some time.
'Yeah,' she said, her mouth still full.
Charlotte made a decision.
'You wanna have a movie night tonight? Or playing some games?'
Amelia let out a little laugh.
'Thank you Charlotte, but you really don't have to babysit me. I'll be fine,' she looked at Charlotte quickly before turning her gaze at the crisps again. Charlotte knew Amelia would never admit she wanted company, but the fact she was still hanging around in the office proved that she was delaying going home.
'Mm, you would really help me to have this fun evening with my friend, I had an exhausting day,' Charlotte said. She winked. Amelia looked at her in silence and rolled her eyes, smiling.
'Okay, if it helps you,' she said with an accent on 'you', and she stood up to throw away the empty bag of crisps.
'I have to finish one report, takes about 10 minutes, you wanna wait in my office?' Charlotte asked.
Charlotte closed her computer and closed the files on her desk. Amelia was laying on her couch, feet on the backrest. First Charlotte thought she had fallen asleep, but she saw Amelia was just staring at the ceiling.
'You ready?' Charlotte asked while putting on her coat. Amelia flinched at the sudden sound of her voice and gave her a smile. 'Yes ma'am.'
They were hanging on the couch in the living room of Amelia's house. They had eaten some take away pizza and were now watching the last half of a tv-romcom. Charlotte felt herself dozing off a little bit, but she felt the stiff posture of Amelia next to her on the couch, feeling her restlessness. They didn't really talk about Amelia being alone in the house, or about her going to therapy yes or no, or about the police or what happened. Charlotte felt she didn't want to push, but she also couldn't bear watching her friend suffer like this in silence. She knew this is exactly how her friends at the practice must had felt when they got to know what happened to herself, unable to do something right for her.
'Amelia, I can stay for the night. I want to stay for the night,' Charlotte didn't add 'if you want' on purpose; she was sure Amelia would say that it was not necessary.
'Okay,' was Amelia's only respons. Charlotte worried for her, normally she would go against her, say it is nothing, make a joke, anything, instead of just giving in so quickly.
'Okay,' Charlotte repeated. She fought the urge to grab Amelia's hand quickly, instead she pulled up her feet and watched the end of the movie.
Amelia had given her a spare toothbrush and now they were looking at each other in the bathroom mirror. Amelia winked at Charlotte and lifted her eyebrows jokingly. Charlotte laughed while brushing her teeth, causing some toothpaste to fall out of her mouth, while she lifted her eyebrows quickly as well; left, right, left right. Amelia couldn't stop but giggle and for a moment, everything felt light hearted, like a high-school sleepover. After brushing their teeth, Amelia had given her a t shirt and some long comfy yoga pants to sleep in. For herself, she was wearing a long sleeve t shirt and really big old pajama's pants that were way to long for her legs. Charlotte smiled at the look of it. They walked outside for a bit, to collect some tea mugs but also to watch some stars that were visible here at the beach.
Back inside, Amelia pointed at the end of the hallway. 'Since Addison is not here, you could take her room. I will get some fresh beddings.' She didn't look Charlotte in the eye. Charlotte watched her carefully.
'Amelia,' she said. Amelia finally looked Charlotte in the eye, just for a second. Charlotte heard her breath shiver a little bit.
'I can sleep in your room, if that's okay for you. I can be close to you,' Charlotte heard herself saying. She felt Amelia didn't want to be alone, but she couldn't quite put her finger on what makes her think that. It was just a feeling, in the pit of her stomach. Also, she herself wanted to be close to Amelia now. Sleeping in a foreign house made her anxiety a little bit worse as well.
'Okay,' Amelia said again, this time her voice a bit raw. She let out a sniff.
'I am so sorry, I don't know why I am crying,' she said while whipping away a tear.
'I know, honey,' Charlotte responded. 'It's okay.'
They installed themselves in Amelia's cozy bed. It was a big bed with fresh white linnen beddings, and Charlotte smiled at the looks of Amelia's small body in this kingsize bed, surrounded by pillows.
'You see that painting over there?' Amelia pointed at a painting on the wall. It was an abstract painting, yellow figures with pink and purples colors as a background. It looked warm, homely.
'Addison did put it in this room, to decorate it. Almost as if she was decorating a room for a child, also the yellow paint on the walls.' Amelia laughed. 'So cute, she was so exciting when I came her. I actually like the room a lot, it does remind me a bit of a cozy children-room.' Charlotte smiled at the painting. It was cute, it looked happy and it fitted the room and Amelia's personality.
'That is sweet of her to do. I know she loves having you around here,' she said. Amelia shrugged a bit shy and still smiled at the painting. Then she looked at Charlotte.
'You comfortable?' she asked before she wanted to put out the light. Charlotte nodded, laying on her side facing Amelia. Amelia turned off the light and moved until she was comfortable. She let out a quiet but long and shaky breath. It was silent for some time.
'What are you thinking about?' Charlotte asked. She was sure Amelia was not falling asleep. Amelia didn't face her but kept looking at the ceiling. She closed her eyes.
'What are you thinking about at night?' Amelia asked softly, already feeling sorry to bounce the question back like this. Charlotte swallowed.
'I tend to feel unsafe at night. Sometimes I like Cooper to hold my hands, until the flashbacks are disappearing again,' she confessed. Amelia blinked fast a couple of times; Charlotte couldn't see if she was blinking away tears.
'Can I hold your hand?' Charlotte asked. Amelia didn't respond but shifted so she was laying on her side too, facing Charlotte, still not looking her in the eyes. Amelia's hand moved carefully to the empty space in between them, waiting for Charlotte's hand. Charlotte took Amelia's hand in hers en gave a little squeeze. Amelia's hand felt small and a bit shaky in Charlotte's hand and suddenly she got the urge to hold Amelia.
'Amelia, let me hold you please,' Charlotte whispered. She knew Amelia was silently crying, and although Charlotte was familiar with this feeling, she felt the urge to take of Amelia stronger than her own misery.
Charlotte slowly searched for Amelia's shoulder, and when she felt Amelia wasn't pulling away, she stroked her shoulder softly. 'Let me hold you,' she said again. Amelia nodded almost invisible, trying to hide her tears.
Charlotte shifted a bit towards her and took Amelia in her arms. She felt a bit nervous herself as well, holding someone this close for the first time in months, but when she felt Amelia's shivering body against her, all the nervous feelings disappeared and she felt a deep feeling of caring and love in her stomach. She tried to press Amelia not to close to her body, giving her some space to breath and move. At first Amelia's breathing seemed to fasten a bit, just like Charlotte who was breathing in sharply. But soon Charlotte felt Amelia relax a tiny bit more in her arms. She was surprised to feel Amelia's hand carefully make a way to her own back, to cling on Charlotte just a little bit. Charlotte stroked Amelia's hair that smelled a little like vanilla. Amelia felt tiny in her arms, and although Charlotte wasn't big herself, she couldn't help but wonder why she never noticed how slim Amelia's body felt next to her.
They stayed in this position for a while. Charlotte just caressing Amelia's hair and back. Amelia's silent flow of tears had stopped and she sniffed a bit. Charlotte was surprised to feel Amelia stroke her own back a bit, her hand carefully running up and down. They were holding each other. Charlotte felt Amelia was moving a bit closer, fully clinging on Charlotte now. Charlotte didn't feel trapped, she felt the opposite: a deep feeling of connection. She moved her leg a bit to give Amelia a bit more space, but Amelia moved closer to her; matching their legs together. She really needed to be hold.
After what felt like hours, Amelia carefully removed herself from Charlotte's arms. She looked shy but her face was still close to Charlotte's. She could see the bright blue eyes looking down nervously.
'Thank you,' whispered Charlotte. She thanked Amelia for trusting her to let her hold her, but also for letting herself experience this kind of connection again after all these months. Amelia gave a small smile.
'Thank you,' she echo'd. She moved a bit backwards, her head resting on her own pillow again, her hands folded under her head. Charlotte smiled peacefully. She didn't want to break contact.
'Can I sleep with…with your hand?' Charlotte asked a bit nervous. She didn't know how it was possible that from fearing contact, she went to wanting to hold Amelia all the time in such a short period. Amelia smiled a bit and held out her hand. Charlotte took her hand in hers and gave a short squeeze.
'Have a good night,' she said softly.
'Thank you Charlotte, for everything, I…' the words were stuck in her throat. Amelia closed her eyes. 'Thanks a lot, sleep well.' With those last words Charlotte smiled and closed her eyes as well. It felt like the first night she could fall asleep peacefully.