Once again, the ghosts did something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters. More madness from my tiny brain.
Ghost Economics
"Hey Babe," Jay remarked as he was cooking in the kitchen. "I thought you were going to work today?"
"Actually, we're working from home," Sam told him as she walked in. "My editor called and told me that for the next few weeks all articles will be e-mailed to the newspaper. As well as any meetings will be online."
"Well, that's nice," Pete said. He and the other ghosts were standing in the kitchen watching Jay cook.
"Not really," Sam told them. "He lives thirty minutes away from work and since gas went up, he doesn't want to go in any more than he has to. He drives a Hummer."
"A what now?" Isaac blinked.
"It's a very large car that consumes a lot of gas," Sam explained.
"I once had a coachman that hummed a lot," Isaac remarked. "It was actually quite pleasant."
"Man, this gas crisis is really hitting hard," Jay groaned. "It might affect our business before we even get it off the ground."
"It sounds really bad," Pete remarked.
"Yeah, this economy is just getting worse," Sam sighed.
Trevor groaned. "Great time to start a new business."
"So, gas makes landships go?" Thorfinn asked.
"Yes," Pete nodded. "And a gas hike can really hurt the average family. I remember the gas crisis of the 70's! Gas went up to four dollars a gallon! Brr! That really took a lot out of your wallet!"
"It's over five dollars a gallon now Pete," Sam told him. "And it could get higher!"
"Are you kidding me?" Pete gasped.
"The gas in my car wasn't that expensive!" Trevor told her. "And I put ultra-premium in that baby! Well not me exactly, the guy I hired did. I wonder how Raoul is doing?"
"Sam if gas is too expensive people are going to drive less," Pete realized. "And if people drive less, they will travel less. And if people travel less…"
"Yes, Pete! That's why we're worried!" Sam interrupted.
"I've said it before and I'll say it again," Hetty sniffed. "They never should have replaced horses."
"Horses are just as expensive as cars nowadays!" Sam told her. "In some cases, more!"
"Plus, you still have to feed horses," Alberta added. "And clean up after their messes."
"Horses literally eat grass and hay!" Hetty told her. "People can use their lawns. Half of them are practically fields anyway. And as for the mess…Well Irishmen need jobs too."
Trevor was musing. "I wonder how Raoul's divorce went? And if he remarried? Did he remarry his first wife? Or did he marry the stripper he knocked up? Or the lawyer he was on the rebound with? Or the other stripper he knocked up?"
"Excuse me?" Sasappis did a double take.
"We really have to be careful where we go," Jay told her. "Combine trips so we don't use the car as much. Not that we go that many places anyway."
"I told you Jay," Sam said. "We should have gotten an electric car."
"And how would we charge it?" Jay asked. "There's not a charging station for literally miles!"
"I think we can just plug it in somewhere," Sam remarked.
"Where exactly?" Jay asked.
"Somewhere," Sam shrugged. "I think."
"Hang on," Isaac interrupted. "They make cars that run on electricity now? Ben Franklin would have loved that!"
"We don't even have a garage," Jay told her. "Just a run down space full of junk and has a hole in the roof. How can we plug it in?"
"If you were Ben all you'd have to do is tie a kite to the engine," Isaac quipped.
"Well, we did have a garage," Sasappis spoke up. "But one of your relatives burned it down when he was a kid. I think it was David. Or it could have been his cousin. Not really sure which one."
"Technically Woodstone had three garages over the centuries," Isaac added. "Two burned down. One blew up. You had a cousin who liked to experiment with dynamite."
"Oh yeah," Sasappis remembered. "One Armed Oliver. I wonder if he ever got out of prison?"
"Well, it's been over 60 years," Isaac remarked. "And he was 49 when he went in so odds are he's out by now. One way or another."
Trevor paused. "I wonder if Raoul was able to use the money I gave him to build a new garage? His second wife burned it down after she tried to murder him. Because she caught him having an affair with what would become his third wife."
"Seriously?" Sasappis blinked.
"What? He's a great mechanic and it was a good investment!" Trevor told him. "Plus, he had three of the hottest female mechanics working for him I'd ever seen so you know his judgement was good!"
Sasappis barked. "Okay I want to hear all about this Raoul guy!"
"Me too!" Thorfinn added.
"Can we please get back to the topic under discussion?" Hetty spoke up.
Flower spoke up. "Okay. What were we talking about again?"
Thorfinn thought. "Maybe Thorfinn can use ghost power to charge electric car?"
"Wouldn't that be cool?" Sam said. She turned to Jay. "Thorfinn says he can charge the car. That would be one way to save money. Having a ghost powered electric car."
"Oh, and have the ghosts burn down our car like they did the gazebo?" Jay asked. "No way!"
"Technically that was only Thor who did that!" Alberta pointed out.
"Even though we all got blamed for it!" Pete glared at Thorfinn.
"We had no TV for a week!" Sasappis glared at Thorfinn. "Thanks a lot for that!"
"I made a great speech," Trevor pouted.
"Having Thor as a battery is a terrible idea," Sasappis agreed.
"You have a point," Sam winced.
"Thorfinn say sorry," Thorfinn apologized. "Not get mad. Because Thorfinn say sorry."
"Of course, I have a point," Jay told her, thinking she was talking to him. "We need to just be smarter about where we go for a while. Again, all we do is go into town mostly for groceries."
"Still further than most of us have travelled lately," Sasappis looked at him. "In my case…Over five hundred years!"
"I miss going to K-Mart," Pete sighed.
"Even I'd go to a K-Mart if I could," Trevor admitted.
"To buy yourself some pants?" Pete asked.
"Yeah," Trevor nodded.
"K-Mart is pretty much gone now Pete," Sam said. "We have Wal-Mart. And Target."
Pete blinked. "Is that one an arrow joke?"
"No," Sam sighed. "Target is the name of a store. It's like K-Mart used to be only…Fancier. It has a pharmacy and a grocery store in it as well as all the other stuff."
"And it's symbol is a big bulls-eye," Jay added. "Pete would fit right in there."
"Okay that's definitely an arrow joke!" Pete pointed.
"I don't understand what these marts are," Hetty blinked. "They're like grocers and shops, right?"
"Yes, but in one big building that sells everything instead of a bunch of smaller stores," Sam explained. She turned to Jay. "That one was for Hetty. She doesn't know what a K-Mart or a Target or any other of those stores are."
"And when you mean by everything…?" Isaac blinked.
"Food, clothes," Samantha explained. "Makeup, paper products, jewelry, books, electronics, pretty much anything."
"Do they sell Cheetos?" Hetty asked.
"Yes," Sam nodded. "They sell lots of Cheetos."
"We had that too," Thorfinn spoke up. "Not Cheetos obviously. But a place that sells everything. We just called it The Market. You could buy anything there. Clothes, pelts, weapons, boats, oars, pets, slaves…"
"What now?" Alberta looked at Thorfinn.
"Forget that last one," Thorfinn coughed. "Most Vikings didn't buy slaves anyway. Cheaper to just grab one from Danish village. Okay now that Thorfinn says that aloud…"
Trevor shook his head. "Not cool bro. Not cool."
"Look Viking economy was very different back then," Thorfinn explained. "If you were low on money, you just raid village to get some. You needed things, raid village. Or go hunt in woods. But raiding villages were more fun."
"It's not right to steal though," Trevor told him.
"And this is from the guy who worked at Lehman Brothers," Sasappis remarked.
"I never embezzled a dime!" Trevor snapped. "I worked for every penny I had!"
"Selling lousy stocks," Pete added.
"They were making money at the time!" Trevor protested. "It's not my fault they all crashed and burned after I died!"
"Lucky you did die," Thorfinn snorted. "Your clients would have killed you!"
Even Sam chuckled at that. "What's so funny?" Jay asked.
"Oh well Thorfinn was talking about Vikings and how they pretty much got everything by stealing from other villages," Sam explained. "And Trevor was saying how it was wrong to steal…"
"The guy from Lehman Brothers was saying that?" Jay asked.
"Okay why does everyone act like that whenever anyone says that name?" Trevor snapped. "Not everyone who worked there was a crook! I wasn't!"
"Trevor said he never stole anything," Sam explained.
"No, he just helped the entire world economy to collapse," Jay looked at her.
"Again!" Trevor protested. "The whole loan thing was only a suggestion! I didn't run that department! Plus, my stocks made a lot of money while I was alive!"
"Good thing No-Pants is dead," Jay remarked. "His clients would have killed him."
The others laughed. "It's even funnier when he says it," Hetty scoffed.
Trevor looked at her. "It's not like I was a robber baron!"
"Okay now that was uncalled for!" Hetty snapped.
"Stop it now you two!" Sam scolded. "Hetty, Trevor come on!"
"Yeah Hetty," Jay remarked. "You were married to a robber baron. So…"
"That was all Elias' doing!" Hetty bristled. "I had nothing to do with the business! All I did was support my husband! And maybe butter up the wives of his business partners?"
"You mean you blackmailed them," Sasappis quipped.
"What?" Sam did a double take.
"It wasn't blackmail!" Hetty rolled her eyes. "Technically. Just a friendly reminder that our family knew things about them. That's all. Little things."
"Like where the bodies were buried," Sasappis remarked. "Literally."
"It's not like we killed those people!" Hetty snapped. "We just bribed their killers' servants to tell us everything! And then we extorted money and favors from them."
"Oh my God…" Sam groaned.
"Oh, calm down," Hetty waved. "Most of the people killed were either prostitutes or other servants. And one priest."
"And of course, the killers murdered their servants for telling on them," Thorfinn added. "But Elias always found out."
"Servants were very easily bribable back then. And they were able to blackmail some more…" Isaac added. "You see where this is going right?"
"Oh God…" Sam groaned.
"What? Did Hetty admit to blackmailing people?" Jay snorted. He looked at Sam's face. "Are you serious?"
"And everybody thinks I'm the worst one here!" Trevor snapped.
"What? What did Hetty blackmail people for?" Jay asked.
"Trust me Jay," Sam sighed. "You don't want to know. Can we get off this topic please?"
"Only if you guys admit I'm not the worst person here," Trevor spoke up.
"You're not the worst person here, Trevor," Isaac said. "Maybe third or fourth worst? But not the worst."
"Was that so hard to say?" Trevor snapped.
"Let's get back to the topic of how we're going to save money here," Sam tried again.
"I'm assuming that's more for the ghosts than for me," Jay remarked.
"Yes," Sam nodded. "Now that I don't have to go into town as much for work that's something. I guess combining trips to the store or getting our food delivered could work."
"But getting our food delivered costs money," Jay reminded her.
"Boy they get you no matter which way you turn don't they?" Pete sighed. "Look at the bright side. Ghosts don't eat!"
"No, but you do watch a lot of TV," Sam sighed.
"It's important for our mental health!" Sasappis spoke up.
"Yes!" Trevor agreed.
"I just got into Downton Abbey!" Hetty spoke up.
"Me too!" Isaac added.
"Season 2 of It's Getting Hot In Here coming any day now!" Thorfinn spoke up.
"You are not taking away my shows!" Alberta added.
"I'm guessing the ghosts are telling you how important the TV is," Jay remarked. "Yeah…I'm not giving up on the TV either."
"I guess we'll have to make some cuts someplace else," Sam sighed.
"Well, you two already save a lot of money by not having servants," Hetty spoke up. "That's something. I mean they can cost a lot. And I don't just mean what they steal. Paying ten dollars a month can be costly."
"You only paid your servants ten dollars a month each?" Trevor asked.
"Total," Hetty explained. "Well, they got free room and board! And they were allowed to wash their uniforms in the servant's quarters. And they got almost every Sunday off to go to church or whatever it is servants do. And we allowed them to actually eat the table scraps that were left over from our dinners. What didn't go to the dogs."
Trevor looked at the others. "Again, you all think I'm the bad one around here?"
"Excuse me!" Hetty snapped. "Our household was actually more liberal at the time! We didn't force our servants to go to church every Sunday like others did! Mostly because that meant we would have to go."
"Considering how Elias ended up," Isaac paused. "He probably should have went at least a few times."
"Again, I think we're veering off topic," Sam sighed.
"You know what we did at the cult to make money?" Flower spoke up.
Trevor quipped. "I'm guessing it involves standing around begging for change at airports."
"We tried that until we got banned because our leader tried to take over a plane," Flower admitted. "But after that we found a way to make our own money."
"How did you make money Flower?" Sam asked.
"Well, we got this printer and ink…" Flower explained. "And a lot of paper…"
"Oy vey," Trevor winced.
"I see where this is going," Pete groaned.
"Let's just say it was a good thing it was my turn to go into town and pick up our leader's laundry," Flower remarked. "Just I left the Feds raided the place."
"Lucky escape for you," Isaac remarked.
"Yeah, but I was stuck with twenty shirts and six pairs of pants," Flower told him. "I was able to barter them for some weed. I think that's when I drifted towards the commune."
"How did Flower make money?" Jay asked.
"You don't want to know," Sam groaned. "For legal reasons."
"Actually, Elias did print money for a time," Hetty admitted. "Only for our businesses in California! That wilderness wasn't even a state at the time. And he didn't print American money. The Mexican government was very easily bribed."
"Elias ran a counterfeit money operation?" Sam shouted. "And bilked the Mexican government?"
"And the French for a short while," Hetty shrugged. "Oh, and there was that weekend he went to Canada and their currency was easy to forge at the time."
"Oh God," Sam groaned.
"So, your family ran a counterfeiting operation that printed fake money in another country?" Jay shouted.
"Three countries," Sam admitted.
"Four actually," Hetty winced. "Elias tried to get into the mining business in a small South American nation I'd never heard of. He sent his cousin Wilberforce with the fake money. Apparently, the authorities in that country were much more adept at spotting fraud than the other ones."
"What happened?" Trevor asked.
"We were told that just before the firing squad opened fire," Hetty remarked. "Wilberforce's last request was a few hours with a prostitute. His request was denied."
"Yikes," Sam winced. She looked at Jay. "Apparently there was also an incident in South America where another relative of mine got caught and got shot by a firing squad."
"I know what you can do," Jay blinked. "Write a book about your family. But put it under fiction because nobody will believe it!"
"Gotta admit," Sasappis paused. "It would be a best seller."