This entry was sponsored by season 4. I own nothing. I wish I wrote for Tea and Tim. This is just a little fun I had.

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I need courage. It's been a tough year and my beautiful wife has a new hobby. She is obsessed with wet dry vacuums. The small portable practical tool that every home should have.

This year it's become her personal mission to make sure that everyone she knows has one.

It began in the summer as she was helping Allison prep for college. She picked one up for Noodle's dorm. Then she somehow ended up grabbing one for Daisy's baby shower and suddenly, like Elizabeth is wont to do - it became her thing. She gave them to Conrad and Lydia, to Russell and Carol, to Blake, Jay , Matt and even Kat Sandoval.

I know because when she came home from Christmas shopping in early December she had about 16 of the things.

Jason was home and he looked terrified as his mom said she even bought his for college early. He looked terrified as she kissed him and swore she would be around to take him to college. He later cornered me and made me promise to give her the flu or arrange for a constitutional crisis. I have about 2 years to figure this one out.

Elizabeth has done this with pillows and with plants and once with a local artisan who made goats milk soap that was organic and good for all skin types. It goes in cycles. Most years she gives normal gifts. I praise God for letting her decide not to send them to my family. She knows what Maureen and Shane are like. Thankfully she knew Maureen already had one.

She cares and gets anxious and when she's excited about something she forgets that it's not something that plays well with everyone.

I knew we had problems when I ran into Gordon Becker and Ellen Hill and they asked me if she was all right. I suppose they were expecting chocolates or a bottle of scotch.

Now I have to get out the ice cream and sit her down and have a little chat - and her nose will crinkle and her cheeks will turn red and her voice will get breathy and she'll be a little bit defensive and then she will be huffy for a couple of days. Somewhere around day 3 she'll move on and the subject will be dropped like it never existed. In a decade it will be funny and she will tease me about it.

It's a little bit twisted but that's my girl.

I don't want to think about how much these things cost us this year. I know the soap kits were about 947 dollars and pillows were about two thousand and there will be another amazing magical thing down the road. It's a good thing we get paid well.

Don't get me wrong. Every house should have one. They clean up crumbs and hair and wet food. If you have a pet they are practical.

We have two. We almost had three. Hell I think we do have three. My sweetheart is now officially America's mom. I hear she sent one to the Morejon family. I really hope Vicky opened it and not Carlos. It makes me laugh as I envision her giving them out for Halloween. OK stop laughing at your wife McCord. She's not that bad. Once we gave out breath mints. She had read an article about Candy and had been to the dentist with Jason. Came home with the mints. She regretted that one by bedtime. I remember her wanting to drive around the neighborhood and deliver candy bars to all the kids. It took a back rub, two fingers of scotch and hiding the credit card for a few hours to prevent that one. Allison was mortified. Jason didn't care and Stevie had gone to a party - and was all too happy to laugh at Mom and Allie.

My wife is adorable.

I have faults. I do. She's always amazing when she talks to me about them. I am the one who always changes the toilet paper and it has to be over not under. I won't wear crocs. I refused to give the kids digital watches. Tell the time by knowing how to tell the time. Rinse your cereal bowls. Boxers not briefs. My wife and co workers have to put up with me- and I know she has laughed at me because we have had conversations where she can't hold it in and she giggles while she apologizes. Go deal with this before Packett and Black and Decker offer her a paid contract...

30 mins later.

Ok I decided not to say anything. I went downstairs and she was eating leftovers with her coat on - in her bare feet. I am a chicken. I can't imagine there are any of these appliances left to give anyone. I will let Russell say something stupid.

20 mins later

Oh God bless Will Adams. He did my dirty work for me and now I am the hero and she's taking a shower. I love it when it works out like that. I can hear her muttering to herself about how everyone appreciates her but he stupid brother. I am going to get the wine and just listen. Tomorrow I will go to confession and say an extra prayer for Will. I might actually get sex out of this deal. I was convinced I would be sleeping on the couch.

Conflicted and grateful husband who should hide this journal.

H.