Still learning tech. Praying this doesn't publish 3 times. It's one chapter. I really had fun focusing on this over the week and I hope you enjoy it. Hope to do another update by Monday. Might be a short one but hey- no one writes an opus in their journal every time

Xox Brenda

...

Late August 2011

How is it that this decade has flown by? I feel like I just married Elizabeth and we had three kids. A year ago wasn't I a student who just retired from active duty in the Marines?

But no. I met my wife in 1987. We married in 1990 and my kids are practically grown. I have a sixteen year old, a twelve year old and a ten year old. We have moved from an apartment to a small home in Charlottesville to a horse farm. Time flies when it isn't standing still.

My entire family has their own lives, their own hobbies. The baby boy who needed us is now just asking for food, money and a cell phone. Our rule is twelve. However Jason feels like he is being singled out as the only family member left in the dark ages and if we all go out- he is the one that will get stalked and killed because he cannot text us to tell us he is in trouble.

My wife wants to cave and Allison says she doesn't mind because he's a dweeb and thankfully not at her junior high. She maintains that if he has his own phone he won't be constantly borrowing everyone else's. Stevie pouted for about two minutes and said that it would be easier to pick him up from places if he was reachable. I am of two minds. I suppose I could and should be flexible. The world is changing, and I suppose we can give him limited data and a plan that can grow with him.

My son is many things. He is intelligent, sassy, articulate and very much not a follower. However the constant rebellion tires us all out. It started slowly when he was small. He got really testy around second grade and it's growing. I pray about it. It's tempting to yell and to shut him down but Elizabeth and I made a plan. We wouldn't stifle our kids just to discipline them. We wanted them to be authentic and confident. It's been hairy sometimes and we have failed, given into awkwardness and anger. Our rule is to talk it out once we have calmed down.

We forget that Jason is so young - and when he needs us to be mommy and daddy it can be a real head switch. Elizabeth has told me that she has expected more from him than she should - and honestly so have I.

He's going to be exhausting to get to adulthood.

Truth be told- all three of our kids are far more mature and capable than many. It makes for interesting problems. One day they are raising money for UNICEF or saving a girl from being bullied. We have had phone calls from the school telling us that our children have overstepped and taken on challenges that were best left to the teachers. Allison helped avert a school crisis when she reported a classmate who had threatened to blow everyone up. That was last year. The kid had a built a crude bomb and had access to his father's gun. That was a sobering day. School violence scares us all. Allie showed us that she had character and I was very proud of her. That boy is getting help and her classmates were saved because my daughter listened and then spoke to her teacher.

Elizabeth and I were just calming down from that when Stevie lead a protest to get environmentally friendly cleaning products into her school. She got suspended for three days but that was for going against the school code. She was able to argue for a suspended sentence provided she came in on three weekends to help set up the new cleaning regimen. The school superintendent told us that our daughter was on the right track - she would just need to learn some self regulation if She wanted to champion for the under dog.

Stephanie is very green and pro health. She sets these standards for herself that are almost impossible to maintain and when she fails, she gets emotional. She can be bossy and a bit manipulative and she has issues with her mother. It stems from being the oldest- which we recognize as we both have this in us. My wife says she once was so obstinate that it amazes her she wasn't back handed by her father. I have a complicated dad, but there were times I can admit I was disrespectful and stubborn. Elizabeth hated being grounded. The worst for her was losing riding privileges. She was usually a "great kid" but when she thought adults were wrong and patronizing she would argue with them. She got better at it and considers herself a semi decent diplomat. She can't let anyone suffer if she can help them. Stevie and she are similar. They scare me sometimes. Also my wife was away while Stevie was growing and as such I bonded more with our little ginger haired girl. Stevie helped me with Allison while mom travelled and Elizabeth does regret not being able to be home more while Stevie was little. They are finding their way. This year is hard for me Elizabeth as she has no idea how to parent an older teen. Her experience of life at fifteen plus is as a mother like figure and an orphan. She reads a lot of parenting books and asks a lot of questions. The kids and I give Elizabeth a hard time on occasion but honestly we are so lucky to have her.

Our son is chafing to become a socially active kid. He plays soccer on a coed team and his friend Noor wears a hijab, that stays on when plays. She's been getting pushback from other teams and asked to remove it. Jason has mentioned it over the summer and we have encouraged him to keep an eye on Noor and be a friend. Perhaps we should have kept more of an eye on that, because things went south this week. The new coaches were less tolerant and made little snide comments about girls, Muslims and co-ed sports. They are young, and clearly raised by some close minded thinkers. They weren't coaching all summer - just the past few weeks and our concern was growing.

Jason took it to extremes on Wednesday. He lead with his mouth and threatened the other players and the coach and now he's been asked to leave the team. He's angry about all of it. He's a ball of upset and tears as well as puffed up bravado. I see myself in him, but Jason is so much more open than I ever was.

The head coach contacted us yesterday after practice and we had a long talk about language and threatening people versus expressing ideas. Needless to say we McCords got heated. We are supporting Jason but not the name calllng. No punishment- just a couple of long talks about how to fight racism, Islamophobia and sexism. The head coach agreed that these teenagers need some training, says it's hard because they come from prominent families who subsidise the camps and the sports leagues. Elizabeth and I are doing all right but we are teachers and we rely on local programs with reasonable community costs to help round out our kids.

The trouble is that Jason doesn't want to apologize for anything except saying the one coach was a fat bastard who should be shot and pissed on. To be honest he doesn't want to even apologize for that. Thank you Patrick McCord for teaching him that phrase.

Noor is upset because she's ten and feels like soccer is spoiled because of all of this and Jason doesn't quite understand why she's angry with him. Elizabeth spoke to the Quershi family and it's a bit of a mess

Last night she came to bed and lead with "is it possible to love the kids, be proud of them and want to run away to scuba dive?"

I was with her until the scuba diving part. She and I have some differences. I love tiny little airplanes and she loves the fish toilet. Neither of us is willing to learn the other's passion. We have learned many things together. Her hard lines in the sand are sky diving and cooking. Me it's scuba and quilting.

We woke up this August Friday relieved that school would soon be starting and our kids would soon be occupied all day. We love fall in this house. Counting the days to Gr 11, 8 and 6, new classes for Elizabeth and I at UVA. I have A/C in my office but my wife does not. It's been a long hot summer for her. At any rate this morning we were just getting going when Stevie caught Jason trying to stuff his sheets, pillow and comforter into the washer. She sounded the alarm "Mom and Dad Jason is going to break the washing machine come quick!" Of course at 7 am that brings everyone into the hallway- toothbrushes dangling, wet hair dripping and so forth.

Stevie is sixteen and sometimes she gets it and sometimes she does not. Today she clued in a little late as we all arrived to see what the fuss was about. To be fair to Stevie - Elizabeth was a little out of it, as she was worried he was sick. "Oh buddy. Did you throw up? Did you wet the bed?" I elbowed her in the ribs and then she blushed and took the girls to get dressed. I helped Jason load just the sheets and he was puzzled, embarrassed and angry. Well at least this explains the rush of testosterone. My son is growing up faster than he can handle.

I sent him to take a shower and quickly consulted with Elizabeth. She said that she talked to the girls and it was an experience she found to be enlightening and terrifying. Said " you and I agreed - the boys were your responsibility and the girls were mine Pal." Oof sometimes she's harsh. I think she was just mad because I elbowed her in the ribs.

I do remember that deal. But now it seemed vastly unfair that she had completed her motherly duties and I had our proud little anarchist and nothing but time. Summer fridays can be so long with kids this age. When they were little we were so busy. They thought we hung the moon. Of course Elizabeth and I knew it would end - when Stevie hit eleven Elizabeth said it was coming to an end.

She remembered her own summer of twelve and regrets that she shut her parents out in favour of other things. I remember always feeling distanced from my dad. He made it tough to want to be with my mom. I started to question what she saw in him. Maureen may have been younger but she was observant.Her theory was that they had sex and got pregnant. I began to wonder if that was true.

Jason and I had an awkward breakfast.Noodle had to rush to camp and Stevie was dropping her mother off at UVA so she could take her friends to the mall for back to school shopping. She's had her licence for three weeks and we are adjusting. We are trusting. We are scared shitless.

It was good to have Jason to my self for this part of sex education. From here on out it gets complicated. This boy will someday find love, need condoms and be dating. Hopefully no sex until he's eighteen but Elizabeth and I know that's a stretch.

I sat him down on the couch and tried to find a place to start. Thankfully he asked me some questions so I could start. Those eyes of his - Dad why was I thinking about girls? Why did this happen? Does it happen forever.

Thankfully he wanted to be done with this subject as badly as I did so we covered the science and he asked if he was normal. I assured him that it was and he said he thought this was a sucky way to have to shower almost every day. Truth be told his mother and sisters have wanted him deodorized and showering every day all summer. He has a bucket of special guy stuff to use but has not shown an ounce of interest.

Elizabeth changes his sheets once a week and she says it's funky in there - I laughed because I do the lions share of the cooking she has to do more cleaning than I do. I was also a stinky boy and I know my mother and sisters thought we McCord men were disgusting. I don't know why we guys can be so gross.

When I was done and he went to play video games I texted my wife. She was feeling helpless and had questions of her own. I told her to buy a few sets of sheets for the kid so he would have extras. If I know that woman at all; not only will there be sheets, there will be pillows and new Pajamas and some sort of a book. Sure enough- there was also a new basket ball and a heating pad with the New England Patriots logo emblazoned all over it. Jason was puzzled and I tried not to laugh. Only Elizabeth. Our memoirs are going to be fabulous and our kids will need therapy for years.

...

Tonight I think he feels more like a man than I do. I needed to reach out and speak to another guy so I tried calling my dad. A bad idea because I felt like chatting and all he wanted to do was make fun. Asked me if I had condoms for the kid. Then told me to take the kid to get a playboy and teach him how to find a good woman. After all, according to Patrick McCord- men need to lay their Women often and keep them satisfied. I reminded him that Jason was still a child and that grizzled old goat said "not anymore son. He's a bull."

Patrick McCord is the reason I took up running. For a time I also had a punching bag. I decided giving in to wanting to beat the crap out of my dad was unhealthy. Briefly it occurs to me that my son might feel this way about me someday, and I feel a bit sick.

Elizabeth can sense that's been a tough day for me and she suggests I go out with my friends this weekend. She offers to make dinner "something simple I swear Henry" and do a movie night with whatever kids don't have dates or plans come Saturday.

Weekends are sneaky for us in August. We are all out of school for a couple of weeks and we are exhausted. The horse barn is sweltering. Elizabeth swears summers were cooler even just a few years ago. She worries about the horses almost as much as she does the kids. We are prepared to add a cooling system in for next summer. I published a book this spring and my wife has taken on an extra job teaching math evenings at the local community centre. I don't know when she's going to breathe this year - but our horses are family. We will make it work. On the surface we might be the merry McCords but like most families - there is a lot bubbling underneath. I don't talk about it to the kids yet - but my dad is more than a curmudgeonly old union guy. He is an abusive jerk. Albeit not something he set out to be when he was a kid - but something he grew into.

As a result I can often get upset after I have been reminded of how he handled things with me and my siblings. It can be dark.

I was eleven when I had my first nocturnal emission. Scared the hell out of me. I was found out by Shane and he was only seven so I told him I wet the bed. He was immature and told the girls and my parents were a bit clueless. Thank God I got my information from the Y from my basketball coach a few months earlier and had hoped I would be spared this indignity. It was weeks before my dad was done offering me extra liquid to see if I could hold it - or telling me if I ruined the mattress he would make me sleep on a tarp on the floor. It occurs to me that he had a hard life and a hard dad. It did not and does not make me want to spend time with him. He couched it as teasing but it was mean. I was a kid.

I get conflicted especially now that I have a son. It's compounded by the fact that my wife was orphaned and I know she grieves her dad every day. She has a picture of them on the shelf and she's got to have some wine in her before she tells us stories . I have a living father and I am supposedly an expert on peace - but I can't fix this.

When I spoke to Jason we began by reviewing what he did know. He knew the girls had periods and that PMS meant chocolate and midol and sometimes moody women in the house. In our house almost 12 seems to be the age for the women. Elizabeth, Stevie and Allie all got their first periods the spring after their twelfth birthdays. The three of them think there is something to that and I am not going to question that.

Jason knew babies were made by men and women, and that someday - Intellectually- he would look less like a boy and more like a man. He was disgusted by his body this morning, and embarrassed that his sisters and mom knew before he did that this would happen to him. Life as the youngest is awkward and he was not comforted by the fact that his sisters weren't going to think about this beyond today.

He's a smart kid though and I know he'll ask me things and look up every last option that the Internet has to offer, on the new phone I told him we would go get tomorrow. I am not proud of that bribe but I am a man of my word and as I said - he won't have access to everything yet. The kid is savvy and I know he will be doing things with tech that I can only dream about. Elizabeth and I both agreed that the idea of a smartphone was not on our radar until we were adults. The Adams family had an Atari. Her dad had a brick of a car phone in his work vehicle. Now our children have portals to the world in their pockets. We have talked to all of them about sex trafficking and strangers and we have their passwords. To quote my wife " we spy because we love." Her work at CIA showed her the depths of what life looks like in some of the worlds darkest places. She would trade her life in a heartbeat to protect our kids from that. So would I .

I want a better future for us than what I have with my dad. I try to fix things with my dad with these phone calls but it only works once in a while. The rest of the time I feel beat up, and hurt. My faith helps. Running helps. This journal helps. My soul mate helps. She may be younger than I am but she is the wisest woman I know.

We sat on the porch. We held hands and stared at the night sky, fooled around a little, made plans for the future and reminisced.

We do this a lot. It's why I love our marriage. We discuss everything from big ideas to who is going to drive which vehicle where on Monday. Stevie picked her up - only fifteen minutes late, and was amenable to going to Target so Elizabeth could do that shopping for Jason. We might need to look at a cheap third vehicle. For her - says my wife because she wants our daughter in the safest vehicle possible

For me- I countered because that woman often forgets that I worry about her. She patted me on the knee and said we could negotiate this.

We'll make it. One day we will sit on a porch somewhere and watch our grandchildren ride horses. We will have millions of crazy stories to pass on to them and that is what keeps us waking up and getting this family through the day. Hope for the future.

H.