Happy Sunday night. I have a few updates to make - just need to correct and edit a bit. They all won't focus on Elizabeth and the kids. I have just Allie, Henry and Maureen, teenaged Henry etc.

Hope you enjoy this. Have a great week. Fingers crossed that I can update again mid week. I also have another one shot that needs a tweak.

B. (I get vaxx number two in the morning)

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We need to make more money.

Which is a ridiculous statement considering how much we do make.

I am a professor at Georgetown and I freelance for the NSA. My wife is the Secretary of State; fourth in line to the Presidency. That's been just over a year.

We both have PhD's. She had a trust fund because her parents died when she was fifteen years old. We have drained that this past year. She made it last for 30 years.

It's June of 2015 and we feel like we are haemorrhaging cash.

We pay a mortgage on a horse farm. We do the same for a townhouse in Georgetown. We thought we would sell the farm but that's home. This city place is temporary. Personally I think my wife has the chops to be Secretary of State for the next 6 years and after that who knows what she will be ready for. She's less confident. Says she feels like she's always one lecture away from a humiliating firing - and I know she's eager to support Conrad. Turns out that she can not now, nor could she ever - remain quiet when she sees a new path, a different way of doing things. Logically she gets it. "I'm always in trouble with someone Henry." I keep telling her she's good trouble. Like John Lewis. She likes that. She thinks guys like him have a lot to say.

It's why we admire her; but as she is learning - in DC the tired old machine responds to a beautiful intelligent woman like she's crazy. She gets yelled at a lot. So she wants to be able to sell and go back to the farm if we need to- in case we have to hedge our bets. Being a pioneer is hard work she says. This life of hers gets more challenging every day. She sometimes says it would be easier if she was more typical. I challenge her on that - and she admits that she has no idea how to be more typical. Sometimes she tries and the whole family feels like there is an imposter in the house. She's a unique woman and she's stuck with herself, but she's not alone. I love her too much to ever let her be alone and she tells me all the time how much she loves who we are. So we stay in DC and make this new life work.

Truth be told when she came home from Iran in March- after she nearly died for this job- I was ready to play the husband card and say we were leaving .

She wouldn't let me.

I have never been more scared, more angry at a situation and more proud of her as I was during that trip. She's gotten counselling. She's dealing with the betrayal of some of her closest colleagues and friends. But she gets up quietly every morning and gets her job done. Almost too well.

I knew when I married this woman that we were never going to sit around and do nothing. Her intelligence and capacity for public service tied to her bravery and added to her nose for trouble meant I knew that it was going to be a wild ride. I just never saw her being in the presidential cabinet though. I thought if we got her through the CIA she would teach, become a school superintendent, an author or a department chair. Perhaps management at the CIA. She surprises me and she surprises herself. The mental cost of all these surprises can be expensive. Thank God she's alive and recovering from a nasty case of PTSD.

For a while there I thought we had her back physically but not mentally. She was very angry for a few days and then we thought she had a heart attack. She finally spoke her truth over Jason's video game. That was a surreal experience for the both of us. She's not touched the console since.

That thing by the way - was a bribe to get the boy excited about moving to DC. The girls didn't care to get one and we felt spared. Our son turned 9 and played it with his friends. It's amazing we held out as long as we did. We did not want him shooting and engaging in violent game play until he was older. I play with him and he tells me about his life and that's important to me. Elizabeth has accepted that she won't be cool to him again for a while. She misses her sweet boy though.

Talking about Iran brings up the physical. She was injured and has a scar on her back. Come Easter we were invited to a hot tub party and I found her looking through her bikinis to decide what to bring. She looked sad and it took me a minute to figure out why. So I did not begrudge her the purchase of a couple of new bathing suits though. We know there is a scar on her back - but she doesn't want everyone at every pool party to ask her what happened. It's still new and shiny and pink. I hope in a couple of years it's hardly noticeable so she can feel comfortable in her bikinis again. For now though she's balled them up in the back of the closet and made peace with a couple of one piece suits. She knows she could have been hurt so much worse.

Our fashionista girl figured it out. She knew her mother liked two piece suits. She didn't buy the change in style and so Elizabeth told her. Noodle can be very sweet and in fact helped her mother find some cream that would help me massage the scar away. She also found some make up that would work as a cover up and even suggested a tattoo to cover it. That night Elizabeth went to bed feeling very cherished and her tears were thankful.

We pay for our eldest to go to University and she has expenses. We have a daughter in an exclusive private school. Our son was in this same private school and because he was expelled we do not get a refund. Thankfully he goes to public school now, but we pay for security for him to go there. Elizabeth says come fall we can back off on that. It's one guy, fairly unobtrusive-she realized the big presence she wanted right after Iran was too much. He's our baby and it is public school. Shootings and violence are a thing there. Jason and his mom have come to an understanding over the one guy for now. He's off for the summer and Jason is thrilled.

These kids eat, need clothing and books and cell phones along with "can we have money to go out?" I am constantly handing out 20 bucks, and as it turns out so is Elizabeth. The beach, a hamburger, a new gadget. Now it's gas money. I think we are becoming suckers and it's time we made some changes. We just need to be in the same room long enough to make a policy and then stick to it.

I can't talk to my parents about it - well just my dad now. Mom was more understanding about money management. My father thought money was for saving and people were meant to suffer until they turned about 80. Then somehow you could enjoy yourself for a few weeks. He hates restaurants, fancy clothing, nice vacations, art, hobbies; well scratch that not all hobbies. If you could build or raise something that was good. The girls sewed and made clothes, cushions and so forth. Shane and I were supposed to be tough- organize for the union. Go bowling. Build engines. I do love bowling but I have a gentle side that enjoys journalling, playing the guitar, hiking and gardening. Patrick says most of that is crap. If he could see exactly where this McCord spends his money I think he would punch me. That man exasperates me and its impossible to talk to him. I don't say this to my wife but damn, with all the secrets I feel like I am an orphan. I miss my mom. My dad is very hard to love and it's been bothering me for most of my life.

When I called to tell him that Elizabeth was safe after Iran his response was "good. Don't see why you let her go. That woman never did know her place. "

My wife heard him and she was down. Said maybe Patrick wasn't wrong. Said maybe that was what was wrong with her. Said her parents would have been upset too. Said she had scared the kids and ruined Allison's birthday and cost good men their lives. Maybe Patrick had a point.

I worry that the cost of that trip has hurt her in ways she doesn't even understand yet. I think this job has changed her and what we have. Not fundamentally in that she's nasty and unfeeling. She'll always care. I fear that she is taking on too much and that she'll take more risks as this job needs it. She'll do more than most Cabinet members because she sees more than most. It's a very expensive job in that respect. Talk about virtue ethics. She is wise, just, courageous and working on the temperance part. I forget that's she's still so young. I am five years older and when I think about marrying a 21 year old... leaving her to go to war. Watching as she used her analysis skills and multiple la gauges to become a very good spy. She was so fucking young.

I know she had been chosen by the company for her smarts. But also because she didn't have a family. She was a girl with an incredible mind and dedication who did not have parents to scare if she died. Part of me will always be upset by that. Conrad has been a very strong force in her life. Sometimes he's a jerk and she suffers for it. His praise lifts her up like that of a father; and I can't help but wonder if Benjamin Adams were alive - if my accomplice in life would have been so willing to have this much responsibility. I do know that thoughts like this are private and journal - I thank you for a place to speculate. At any rate where was I? Money, cost benefit analysis.

Three kids at DC prices is insanity. Elizabeth remembers having a job at 14 as do I- but here it seems the student jobs are for the older kids.

Allie did some babysitting but we had to drive her and pick her up. Jason caddied a couple of golf games but his mouth got him fired, and somehow that was all Elizabeth's fault, or so said Russell Jackson.

We have to pay to board the horses in Virginia because we don't live there full time. We keep them cool and exercised. Come November we send these three horses to northern Florida for the winter. Three horses are not cheap. Feed, supplies, medical check ups. Oof.

We get some perks with her job but some of it we pay up front and get a tax credit.

Her clothes. That was a huge expense when she took the job. Elizabeth was always nicely dressed and liked to go shopping but she wore a lot of jeans, slacks and simple middle class outfits.

Now she wears designer threads and is constantly having to update her look.

She's amazing and has invested in a lot of similar pieces. Classic colours and cream blouses. Some statement pieces. She was never a fashion plate.

I can get away with a lot of the same old stuff. I was never a fashion plate either. Have had the same suits for years. Elizabeth orders clothes for me when she finds me wearing holey socks or decides that I need a new shirt. Birthdays and Father's Day and Christmas. She will now shop for Jason at the same time. Once she ordered matching sweaters and to hear Jason tell it - that was child abuse.

We have three vehicles. Two here in DC and an old truck for hauling hay and equipment around the farm

Elizabeth can't drive anymore and she misses it. Stevie and I; and now Allie - can do so. My wife swears when she retires she is buying a classic mustang and living on the highways- the wind in her hair.

I chuckle because at one point when were commuting with small kids she told me she'd kill for a chauffeur. I only brought this up once because stressed Elizabeth eats a lot of very expensive ice cream and she has been known to throw cushions at me.

We are breaking even and for now that's what matters. We invest in our 401k each pay, all of which is budgeted for.

We do the books together, the old fashioned way. Pens, pencils and pizza. Our children laugh at us but why ruin a system that has served us since we were students in the 1980's. Speaking of pizza I have to get this family eating home cooked food more often. This past year if we didn't spend a few thousand on takeout meals we didn't spend a dime. These kids do a good job of cooking one night a week and I do a couple of nights but two or three times a week we end up ordering in and for a family of five- plus delivery fees. Oof again.

Elizabeth swore she would cook once a week and actually that costs us. She ruins it so we lose that money and then we eat out. Our bodies need nutrition and lately my wife is sucking back Tums almost every day. I know she gets coffee every morning and contributes to the pastry buffet at foggy bottom. That's easily 20 a week. Plus if she gains weight then she needs new clothes. I will toss myself under the middle aged spread bus. I drink coffee too and will hit the cafeteria a couple of times a week. Stevie flat out admitted to supporting the vegan place down the street with her snack purchases.

I won't lie. When the kids say they don't want to go to college I feel excited that we can retire sooner. That's a fleeting, selfish silly thought but I am not alone because just last week Elizabeth dragged in here at 2 am, two days out of a shower and too tired to care that she smelled of coffee and Thai food. She crawled into bed in her clothes, face full of makeup and she told me if Russell called- I was to pretend he had the wrong number.

She asked about the kids and I told her that the three of them had a bad day at school. All of them wanted to quit and become you tube stars. She got the giggles and asked if that meant any sort of income anytime soon. For Stevie it was Irish poetry. For Jason a paper where he had to vomit back the textbook, which was stupid - and Allison got a C in geometry. She wanted help from Mom this weekend.

I went to take off her shirt and she stilled. Apparently she needs to shave her armpits and feels gross and stinky but is too tired to bathe. Tomorrow is Saturday so I promised to get her an hour for self care even if I had to put on a skirt and go to the office. She liked that, fell asleep smiling.

One day we'll go back to the farm and buy some new furniture. Of course if we sold the farm and the horses... but she isn't ready to say goodbye to her dream. The one where we aren't old and where we have a quiet bucolic life.

I was supposed to paint the shutters red and we never got around to it. I think we need a few days there soon. I will call Blake and get him to move things around.

We'll haul some hay, harvest some vegetables and complain about the heat. It's exactly what we need to get feeling normal again. I think she needs to go fishing too. The benefit to our family of happy relaxed mom is worth the trouble of re arranging five schedules, the cost of groceries for the farm. I do dread asking the kids to leave the city and head back there though. They have fallen deep for big city life. All the more reason to get back to basics.

For today we'll keep greasing the wheels and paying the bills.

Being upper middle class is very expensive and yet we feel incredibly guilty about wanting more money when so many people have to make do with so much less.

However we McCords need to get off the "we are new to DC and it's just a few bucks- and we need to start pinching it in. Family meeting this Sunday. I want us to start saving a bit each week. If we all do our part we can walk this million dollar year back a bit. Dad has spoken.

H.