Our marine is feeling angsty today.

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Brenda

...

I promised myself one entry. One about how I feel being away from home and my wife and family.

I almost died today. I watched the missile hit my buddy Eric and he was vaporized. He was on my six and I moved so quickly to avoid it I couldn't even warn anyone.

I am gutted but I have to get up in the morning and go back up there and drop ordinance like it's nothing.

I am a machine here. Trained to compartmentalize and do my job.

I wish I was home and could snuggle with my girl. But she didn't answer the phone when I called and now I am worried about her.

The deal is if she doesn't answer it means she's been sent somewhere for the CIA. She's an analyst. Supposed to be working at Langley at a desk with numbers and reports.

But she was damned good at that. Too good. They started sending her out to do interrogations because she could read people better than the interrogators they did have.

So as far as I know she's maybe even here in this god forsaken place. She can't talk about it at all but I know there is intelligence present here- and I drop bombs - worried that I might drop one on a village she's working in.

Which is why when I call Monday nights at 7 pm her time she always answers.

I joined to stick it to my dad and to get away and pursue and education. Now I have a Masters and I am 27 years old and it's been months since I have been home.

Maybe it's good that I can't tell her about today. If I cry over the phone I will scare her. She worried plenty about me.

We talked about this before we got married. I even walked out on her for a few days because I wanted her to find a safe guy. I was brain dead and though maybe I could find a woman I was less in love with. One who had a safe career. A nice office manager, or a first grade teacher.

All I did was quickly realize that I was an asshole who had cold feet. She took me back, said she knew I would figure it out.

I knew though that she felt abandoned and I was lucky she didn't break my nose on sight. I saw the signs of upset in her apartment. Lots of Kleenex, popcorn bags everywhere and the presence of a huge chocolate ice cream tub in the trash. She really didn't need me to pledge my undying love for over a year and then just cut out like a coward. I lied and said I was shipping out early. She was not expecting me to do this and what I did by disappearing was immature, selfish and cruel. She played it cool but I knew I had hurt her.

Wanting to make it up to her I decided to propose. Took me two days to figure it out and what I could afford was a discount grand gesture. So I hired a discount skywriter who couldn't spell. I dragged her out on a cold October day to see "Mar Me Elibet " in chemtrails in the sky

I think back on it now and could smack myself in the face but it worked. She got the goofiest grin on her face and said yes. I already had the ring. I bought that months ago. She had been devastated by the fifth anniversary of her parents accident and I knew in my soul that she was who I saw my forever with.

But after I bought the ring I wanted the perfect moment. So it sat in my dresser while I waited.

I got the girl of my dreams and we are married and tonight I am alone on my bunk in the bowels of this base and I miss her.

Sure the guys clapped me on the back and we all talked about how Eric died for his country.

It feels so useless and I am so angry. He was younger than I am. I am 27, and I feel like a child. Eric was 22. He leaves behind his dad, a teenage sister and a girlfriend he had been dating since he was 17. Marlene was about to get the dreaded news that at 21 her sweetheart died.

I need to break something. I need privacy to cry. I need to talk to God about this stupid war and how we are just killing each other over ideology.

How many people have I killed or wounded? If I make it home will I have kids. Will they read about this in their history books and hate me? How is it that I am a religious scholar and a budding ethicist and here I am killing people? Just War doesn't feel so just when you are alive simply because you are lucky enough to not get shot.

Marlene is going to get her heart ripped out, and I can't reach my love because she's out serving our country in some secret way. If she got hurt could she even tell me? I know her. She's all about protecting me.

Don't Barf McCord. You did that when you landed.

I am shaking and I need to get some air. I couldn't eat dinner tonight but I forced it. They taught us to take care of ourselves regardless of how we felt. We might have to go without food and water away from base. We need to sleep and keep our feet dry. Not get blisters or eye infections. That was basic.

I just want to talk to my wife. She is my touchstone. I know she worries about me and when she hears there has been a death in my unit she's going to worry.

Find hope Henry. This will end. You will go home. Elizabeth is tough and she's going to have some great stories for you. You'll buy a small house and make a baby and get your PhD.

This is what I tell myself every day.

H