Have had a very busy month. Wanted to write more. I hope you enjoy this one. Love and angst, slightly disturbed Henry here.
Takes place in S2 between the Greater Good and the Middle Way. My take on what could have been happening at home- while the show was on hiatus. The events in question happened over Christmas and January of 2015/2016. I let Henry go to the darker side of his personality. Hope the risk was worth it. It's been a month of work to get this right. I can make both H and E darker but for now we have this.
I cannot reply to guest reviews. I do have things planned for the kids to contribute. They have in my fic Musings. If you click my name you can see all of my stories. Some technical issues as I write on my phone on the app. But there are 18 stories.
Chapters about Iran and Andrada to come. I have covered that in some of my older stories.
I have some more entries started and needing editing. I love reviews. Have a great week.
Brenda.
...
Journal
I am sitting in the office and am supposed to be writing a report.
But I need a few minutes to record my thoughts.
My wife and our proud little anarchist -pain in -the -ass -son are in the kitchen working on a science project. Some sort of a volcano like powered God only knows what. I have been banished.Apparently I am great for English and History but if it's Math or Science they want their mom.
To me this is when she is the sexiest. In jeans and a sweatshirt covered in paint and glue. She and Jason are laughing as they experiment with stuff, and make notes. Jason has actually been adorable the last couple of days as they build and bang fingers and blow things up. Little arguments peppered with a lot of exclamations and even an "Oh crap don't tell your father!" Before I jump up and go in there Jason says "it fell off the ceiling mom". Crisis averted.
They need this time. With the girls she was a professor when they were in middle school. She feels like Jason got to middle school and she vanished from his life. So having these few days to showcase her smarts and her cool factor- just the two of them - it's making a big impression on our son.
The girls are busy with their own things and Elizabeth has told them that they all get some mom time this winter. Allie wants to go shopping and for mani pedis. Stevie says dinner and a movie or maybe a night out at the Kennedy center, even some women's lecture series at the University will do just fine.
I really hope this happens. We agreed when she took this job that we had to make an extra effort to be present for the kids. We have both had our ups and downs with this and the kids know that we are trying.
It can seem rather pathetic though - like when we had done zero hours of community service at Westmore. Allison was embarrassed by us, and I get it. If I were her I would have wanted to strangle us. We are not there like we used to be. Dean Ward grates on Elizabeth's nerves and I am halfway anticipating some cat fight before graduation. My wife has a temper and will sometimes threaten to punch people in the nose. I know the press would be horrible but damn would that be funny to see. Even though I am a renowned religion professor- there are moments where I am 12 years old. I have witnessed one overheated moment with Elizabeth and another woman.
Maria De Luca was a preschool PTA mom who was trying to flirt with me while Elizabeth was away. Stevie was three and my wife came home to find this woman helping me make brownies. Only Maria was touching me and I was so shocked I hadn't told her to stop. I was so uncomfortable by her flirting and Elizabeth was home early. My wife can read a situation quickly and she saw red.
Words were said, and the batter ended up in Maria's hair. Elizabeth got a bloody nose because Maria was screeching and flailing at everything in sight. I was horrified by the entire afternoon and we had quite a mess to clean. I remember us putting ice on Elizabeth's nose and her muttering "I go to war zones but it's my kitchen where I get beat up."
That evening after we assured Stevie that Mommy and Mrs. De Luca had an accident, my wife explained to me how I was total catnip to other women and had to watch what their motives were. When she was away I was "hot single dad." I wasn't sure I agreed but she was the one with an ice pack on her face, and her eyes were icy grey.
I talked to my friend Jeff about it, and he told me if he had a wife as amazing as mine he would behave himself and listen. "Her job is to read people. If she thinks someone is checking you out idiot - she's right."
I started being less naive and more observant. Elizabeth was right. My respect for her grew. I might be five years older but she was sharper and more aware of human behaviour.
Before she became the Secretary I was always finding her doing the most interesting things with the kids. She taught them to fish, to make tie dyed t shirts. I would come home from class and find the craziest things happening in the kitchen, the backyard, or even the bathroom. She wanted to be a hands on mom - especially because she was aware of how much it hurt to not have a mother.
My wife has always had a challenging very soul sucking job - which she did to make the world safer. When she came home she usually wanted to decompress by being the opposite of cold, clinical and covert.
When she quit CIA and we moved to the horse farm she went back to school for her PhD, but she always found time for the kids.
Coming up the walkway to laughter, strange noises, and finding the four of them making a home made slip n slide or something like that - the sun in their hair - my wife smiling broadly and so full of happiness . It just made me swoon. It was clear our family brought her joy.
We had our bad days snd sometimes when I came up the walkway she would be headed out to "ride - because Mama needs a time out."
On other occasions it was "Henry I need to get out of here."
So we were a normal family.
We had the best thing going and then Dalton came back into our lives. I agreed to this though, and she is an amazing Secretary of State.
Maybe too good at her job. Perhaps that is what our old friend was counting on. He knows that she is service minded. That she felt uncomfortable about the Baghdad ultimatum and that she looks up to him.
I suppose that's the dark cynical way to see it.
I have to finish my report, I can't go there right now.
...
I am back Journal. Elizabeth and Jason just took off to get burgers because Jason was hungry. He accepted that they had to go in the motorcade and I could see the relief on her face because she knows the inability to just hop in our station wagon and go to Burger Barn is not as it was two years ago.
Vaguely I wonder if Dmitri and his mother were like this - but I doubt it. I don't see there being a Burger Barn in small town Russia.
Who knows though? I never did get to have fun getting to know that young man.
I am gutted about what happened in December when he was sacrificed for The Greater Good. I know Elizabeth was blindsided and really didn't have a choice - and I saw her face when she told me. I know this has killed her. But knowing and being OK with it ... I am struggling. She is supposed to be able to convince Conrad not to do horrible things. She's not supposed to give up assets. Jesus Christ she had to know what this was going to mean for Dimitri, for his sister, for me. She's gone up against other women before. Why did she let Ostrova have an inch.
I have caught my wife taking extra stomach meds, and she stares at me when she thinks I am not aware of it. I know it's bothering her a lot. As a fellow spy, as the Secretary and as my wife. I saw her face as she choked out what had happened. I heard her ask me not to leave her in Geneva, to please stay and talk.
I walked away and she almost got taken out by an RPG. I did not go to her side. I went and saw Talia Petrov instead. I know that's fifty shades of fucked up. It eats at me. She's my everything and I let her go through that with Conrad and her DS.
Conrad came to see me once over it. Told me he gave her zero option and that she's been a goddamned trooper. She's been staring at him too apparently. He feels like shit and honestly he should. He sent that young man to die and it wasn't a good death. I should never have recruited him.
What I wish I had known was that Elizabeth would have to make these tough calls. Be the bad guy. It was bound to happen and it might happen again. We are wounded by this. I am not as mature and well rounded as I thought I would be after the thing that almost killed our marriage in 2005. After the Baghdad Station ultimatum I swore never to treat her like that again. But this time I am worse.
I have been angry and conflicted for weeks. I want to yell. I worry about her and then I find myself wanting to rip her a new one - which makes me a terrible husband.
She stubbed her toe last week and I felt glad for a moment. Then I felt so sad because my darling was limping and when she had to shove on those stilettos and was wincing I went to the washroom and threw up. I am a monster. I am finding things out about myself that disgust me.
I was cleaning our bathroom and I came across her bathrobe, and it smelled like her. I found it beside the tub and I hung it up for her. I started to cry because I had been thinking about asking her to stay at a hotel. I was ready to separate from her!
I can imagine her face crumpling at that horrible idea, and I felt like I deserved to be punched in the face. Thank God I didn't say anything. Some things you can't take back. I go for a run every day. I cry every day. What I am not doing is talking to her. Maybe I should go to a hotel. But that would hurt her and the kids too. I don't understand why I am so messed up about this.
It's crazy how decisions made in moments can change the dynamic of a relationship. I teach ethics and then I come home and am absent from my marriage.
The day with the bathrobe I cleaned up the bathroom and took a shower and made lasagna for dinner instead. Her eyes were curious and questioning when she saw it. I hadn't made comfort food in a while. The kids were in their own world and dinner was inhaled in minutes. My wife might not know the depths of my anger but she's not stupid either. She knows I am not thrilled with her and she's been letting me "punish" her. She hasn't fought me on anything and that alone tells me she is remorseful and terrified. I am an ass.
So seeing her take joy in our son and this messy project fills me with hope. She is my wife. My hope and my soul. I have to fix this. Grow up and deal with my messy feelings.
...
They returned from the Burger Barn smelling of garlic, onions and cheese. She was even a little gassy and apologetic for it. She said she needed a shower. Jason was proud. "Dad she farted in the car and I thought Frank and Gerry were going to die. It was amazing". I chuckle. She's bright red. She smiles wanly "Henry I am apologizing in advance here. I should sleep in the guest room." No. "It's OK babe. I can handle one night with your upset tummy."
She's bright eyed because the boy was happy, and because I opened a door.
For some reason Jason is bouncing off the wall. "Dad she can eat more than the captain of the football team. She ate large rings, had a double fudge milkshake and the three cheese master pork burger".
Elizabeth looks positively green as the evidence is presented, but she smiles lovingly at our son who says he has a Call Of Duty date before bed. He hugs her and me and heads up the stairs.
As soon as he is out of ear shot she makes a beeline for the kitchen and grabs the antacid stuff from the pantry.
"Oh lord Henry I am disgusting. I am 49 years old. I am an idiot. But that kid was so thrilled and I just needed his approval so badly. I am that mom now. The one who does whatever her teenagers want. I can never ever get in a car with Frank and Gerry again." She drops her jacket on the floor and toes off her sneakers. I need to do something, so I pick them up and put them away. Then I pull her close. She seemed surprised but she did lay her head on my shoulder. I touched her hair and found dried paint and glue. I look up at the ceiling and she groans. "Don't look at the ceiling. Somehow we launched goop up there." This is funny to me and I get the giggles.
Oh this woman! Oh my heart.
She looked at me with huge eyes and then she let out a very manly burp. Mortified she clapped her hands over her mouth and backed away from me.
I just laughed. I saw her visibly relax and then so did she. We stood there in our disaster of a kitchen and laughed until she got a look of distress on her face.
"Henry I need the washroom".
No one knows we have the worlds tiniest powder room off the pantry. It's literally a toilet with a small sink. We never use it because it's cramped. It was the only thing about this place we did not like.
Ok and the original flooring which we switched out for the hardwood.
I hear her be sick and am glad that the monster inside of me is quiet. All I feel is caring. She exits and she looks relieved.
"As gross as that was, it's for the best. It was not a good choice to eat that tonight. It was worth it for Jason, but this doing anything for your kids is going to kill me."
"Babe let's go upstairs and get you cleaned up." She nods gratefully and I see that she's feeling trusting because she gives me her hand.
I examine for a moment - still so and delicate. There was a paper cut, a dry cuticle and more paint and glue.
" you didn't wash your hands before the burger" I was teasing her.
"I know. Bad mom cuz I didn't ask him to either" she looks hopeful that we are conversing.
I was drowning in her eyes. So I swallowed and said that I missed her and I needed her.
The colour came into her cheeks and I just realized it had been missing since December.Her grey eyes are sparkling a little. They are supposed to be aquamarine. They have been cloudy grey for a long time.
We went upstairs and even though I had showered only a few hours ago -I climbed in with her. It's a big shower, a glass box. Before we turn on the water she gets out and brushes her teeth. Says the inside of her mouth tasted like crap- and she's got to brush her teeth. I look at her naked body and I see how she's changed. She's still as sexy as hell, but I see how time has lead to more sun spots, a little extra pooch around her stomach. Her breasts sag a little bit. Her skin is dryer- and that scar on her back...
I look down at my own body. I am not exactly the young stud she married either. For youth and for aging... until death us do part. Her body bore our three children. I love and worship it with all that I am- until recent events. My anger is killing my humanity.
I hadn't seen her this vulnerable in weeks. Since ... the night before Geneva. She was breathing deeply as she vocalised this- she reached for me and asked if it was OK.
I said Yes to her touch. We were more nervous and cautious than we were as college sweethearts. This break was worse than the one about Baghdad Station. That one was about three weeks. This time it's been about six. I know couples fight but this is not a fight. It's like a paradigm shift. I am judging her. It's not acceptable but I can't control it and I am ashamed. I want to be hers again. I want her to be mine.
I washed her hair tenderly and she spoke through her tears. "I hate this. We aren't any good when we aren't together. Everyone at work is sick of me. Blake wants to throttle me, Nadine knows I am distracted and I heard her tell the staff to calm down. I wasn't supposed to hear that. Daisy is giving me side eye and Matt is nervous. Jay hasn't brought Chloe around much. I am putting together this trans pacific partnership and I am not doing my best work. I miss us. Can you still love me? " her voice breaks but she holds me tightly. She's messed up too.
"I know. Elizabeth I am so sorry. I just felt so upset. That hasn't changed but I recognize and accept that you doing your job is not you trying to hurt people. I know logically that you personally would have done things differently. That you have to support Conrad even if he is wrong."
With that she turned to me and despite the mouthful of soap she likely ingested; she kissed my hand, my arm. Its so gentle I could weep.
"I have missed you Henry. I have missed my husband. Thank you. I will make this up somehow. I will. I .."
I lifted her head so she could see my tears.
"Forgive me for shutting you out. It was cruel. I am choosing to do better."
We make love quietly, and silently. The release and the water hitting our bodies is oddly comforting and familiar. This is us.
We finish up and wash. Then we towel off. I found these huge towels when I cleaned in here. I love them. One of them dries us both.
"Henry I think we need to just move forward. We can't fix this one. We need to forgive one another and put a picture up over the patch in the wall and one day maybe we can come back to this spot and fix the wall. But we have to get away from this spot or we are going to drown. "
I am fluent in stressed Elizabeth. Nothing can bring that boy back. Will I allow it to kill the best thing thing I know?
I find the scar again on her back as I pat her dry.
The emotion that scar raises in me is sobering. I run my thumb over it snd she stills. I remember that awful night. The longest night in the world. How dare I take her for granted ever?
I apologize for Geneva. She shakes her head. Understands that I was hurt. She had no idea that this young man meant so much to me until she saw him for herself in that meeting. Saw his youth. His dark hair and eyes. How much he could be Jason in a few years. "Besides I have tons of enemies Henry. If you escorted me everywhere it could be risky you wouldn't have any free time. We can't live in that headspace. Also" she purrs "there is the stupid crap I do to myself. Like eat to outpace a 14 year old. Or accompany George Peters on an op in Kosovo. Take on Maureen or Will in a political debate. Ask Blake to get me a bag of Cheetos."
I want to laugh at this last one as I can only imagine how that played out.
"I can't make up for any of the horrendous things I have put you through Henry. But I am yours always, if you'll still have me"
" Babe I think we are flawed humans trying to work through these incredible responsibilities we have accepted. I think I agree with you that we both fuck up in the name of public service and we are hard on ourselves."
She is brave because she takes the risk. "So after shower sex can we have bed sex?"
"Did you digest that meal yet hon?" Light is good. Light is necessary. "Plus there is a mess in the kitchen.
Her throaty laugh matches her guilty smile as she explains that their need for burgers may have superseded the need to be tidy.
"We can clean that mess later" is her defense and we both decide to shut up and consummate the amendment to the constitution of our marriage. It's raw and frenetic and necessary. We know one another by feel and yet we are strangers having shower sex. It's weird.
An hour later we still cuddling and I have found a bit of glue that we missed behind her right ear. It's a large clump and it reminds me of what she was doing that melted my heart.
"Elizabeth I need you to know that as mom's go - our kids won the lottery. As a husband I couldn't be more proud of you. You may have had some bad times adjusting but you never left them. You have this family in your heart and soul even when what you are doing at work might seem to look like you have moved on.
That's just us being unwilling to give you any grace. I am gonna talk to the kids. You have the kind of job that requires you to build the airplane as you fly it around mountains shrouded in clouds. You usually make it look easy and we expect you to keep office hours like you teach grade school. We also expect it to be easy all the time. I know it's been a crazy season."
I feel her tears on my chest. "Maybe I should teach math to third graders. Or science to 8th graders. Jason and I had fun. He's a cool person and we miss that through all the snark and busy stuff. I wish I was home more. We had about 5 days at Christmas and even that was clouded by what happened in Geneva."
I feel the need to keep her from feeling insecure because I think she's missed the compliment but then... "you guys being proud of me. I can't tell you what that means to me. It means I can get up in two hours and go to Myanmar. It means Jason doesn't hate me today and I have ideas for making Allison's 17th birthday special. I have a lot to make up for there, did we even celebrate our 26th anniversary. Or was I working on the trade agreement. Cuz I think I blew you off. Did we go out for dinner. Christ it's humiliating to have to even ask you that. I am a beast,professor." She burps again and then sighs.
She did blow me off for my plans for dinner but I didn't fight it too hard. I just stacked it against her. When Blake called because Arlen Maxwell and Ming hit a snag- and Cambodia was siding against the language I was asked to understand and I just let it go. I didn't want to celebrate this year. I am a beast too it seems.
"Sweetheart why don't we go for dinner when you get home from Myanmar. There is a new French place on DuPont Circle"
Her tired eyes take me in. "Henry we need to go away for a weekend. Just us. We deserve it. We need it. No wonder you are furious with me. I am an asshole ". She rubs my chest.
"let's call this anniversary the asshole anniversary Babe because it's not like I did much and your Christmas gift was lame.
"Ahh yes. New Yoga pants, and a sandwich press. Jason asked me about that. I told him it was because I told you I really wanted one. I was afraid that there would genuinely be a lump of coal in that stocking. I would have deserved it too"
Ouch. . I kiss her forehead. "I officially win the jerk chicken award." I remember she gave me these beautiful novels about Anglican priests. Warm boots for hiking around campus, and a newjournal. I gave her a sandwich press.
"Henry we have been taking this marriage for granted this fall. Look where it's lead us. We both deserve a smack. So let's find the good. We will go away for a weekend and I will be more intentional around here. Not just with the kids. You and I need some attention. I will talk to Blake tomorrow, and Nadine- and can I just say - I was jealous of Jane Fellows. " I am surprised, because she hasn't expressed jealousy in a while. It makes me feel a little bit better. It's not how we want to be - but in small doses a little belonging and possession is comforting. I waggle my eyebrows at her. "Babe nothing happens with me and other women. Jane has a guy." Elizabeth sighs and I get a whiff of onions. Her system has calmed down, and love means accepting that sometimes we reek.
She can read my mind sometimes. "Henry I give you a free pass to skip the shower after a workout next week. I am so stinky tonight it's awful. I can feel it. Jason was so cute I had to do it. Guilty of mom guilt. Do you think the DS guys talk to one another?" I can't lie to her. "Babe I think you are screwed for a shift change or two. Then they'll move on to something else. "
She nods against my chest. Then she speaks. "You are always the most handsome man in my eyes. I get insecure sometimes. I have you and these kids. You guys are the reason I can go do this big job. I realized this week with Jason- he needs his mom and I need to be his mom. I need to be your wife. I like being yours. Being Mrs McCord. I don't say that enough to any of you any more. I said I wouldn't become this woman and look at me." She yawns and I feel her slipping into sleep. I know she's exhausted.
I squeeze her and take a breath. I want to reply but she's fallen asleep. My heart she's so perfect when she naked and vulnerable and curled into my side.
We are perfectly imperfect and no matter what life gives us or how angry I get - I have to make sure she knows how much she means to me. Especially when I am hurt and angry. That's surely the way out of this mess in my soul.
I will always show up for her. That hour of thinking I would not - I was dead inside and I decide never to feed that wolf again.
Truly no marriage should make it. Not if you are doing it right. Love is a choice.
...
A couple of weeks later...
Journal
After she got back from Myanmar we did two things. We had the neighbours over for wine and cheese and then a week later we did a weekend in Vermont at a tiny little bed and breakfast. We agree to keep talking. We agree to especially talk about our anger and our fears. Because that shit festers.
We started to really talk. She confessed that those Christmas yoga pants had a dryer accident. I don't blame her. I haven't read any of those novels she gave me. I promise to pick one up. She asks if I have the receipt for the sandwich press. I do. She says she wants to donate that money to UNICEF. I blush as I admit it was a cheap sandwich press. She gulps, tucks her hair behind her ears and looks at her lap. She asks me if her birthday this year can be just a family dinner. She says she doesn't want any more gifts- just time.
I nod and it hits me she will be 50 in a few weeks. Oof. I want to take her shopping but we both realize that a gift from the heart does not come from the mall. She can buy her own stuff- it's about my feelings for her when I shop. I have about 5 weeks to figure this out. My 55th is only a week after hers, we are almost exactly five years apart. Both of us Pisces. I get an idea. "Baby let's go get a tattoo. Matching ones of our zodiac sign. On our hips. No one ever has to know but us. Like under the underwear no one can see even in a swimsuit."
Now that's her smile. That's my wife.
"A tattoo that no one but DS will know about? Two tiny fish shaped lines in a circle " her eyebrows are raised in amusement. She looks thoroughly amused.
"Matt doesn't have to enter the chamber with us. So the tattoo artist will know but that's it."
"We can have this done in a chamber? That's hot". I love when she is cheeky. We pull out our phones and soon have something booked.
Matt is a miracle worker and we promise him the moon. He smirks. " If I didn't keep this quiet I wouldn't be me. Plus last year you helped my son pass algebra. He still can't believe the Secretary of State came over to our place and helped him learn how to do geometry."
My hear thuds again with a rush of love for this woman. Matt came in to replace Fred Cole last year. It was hard for her to deal with that reality and she held her head up and accepted Matt. Was kind to his family and gave her best and most genuine help to his son. She told me she wanted to honour Fred by doing something that took time and care.
That's what I need to remember. This woman would go to Russia and haul Dmitri out by the hair if she could. Even if it meant her life in exchange.
But it's adorable that she flinches as we get this tattoo and I know she will be going to the washroom about 800 times on Monday to check it out. Poor Blake is going to think she's got a bladder infection. I know this intimate gift means something to her. It ties us forever. Plus she enjoyed looking at the different tattoo ideas. "Maybe the girls and I get one that matches. Would it be weird if I got into this? Maybe the whole family can get one?" Here we go.
We can get through this. I can be honest about my feelings. I can listen to her. When it feels right I will give her something that is special and really from me. Not just some stuff I pick up at the mall because it's supposed to be special. With Elizabeth and I it's always been something special.
She said to me that she regrets not pushing Conrad harder. That if she could repair this damage she would. I admit that it was wrong of me to get so attached.
She counters that it wouldn't be me if I hadn't. Her wry comment tells me that she doesn't think I should be a handler. It occurs to me that she might be frustrated with me because I can't let this go.
We know it's going to take time. She promises to listen to me. She even asks me if we should seek therapy. I do not want to go. I know that she goes for tune ups with Doctor Sherman. We should talk about her feelings on my attachment to this young man.
Oh And Jason got an A on that project.
H.
...
Hi readers. I am thinking of exploring Elizabeth's feelings about all of this Dimitri stuff in my other story Musings. Stay tuned for that
Brenda