Chapter IV - Of Friends And Foes

Up until my father's tragic death when I was fourteen, I went to Ravenshead Secondary School with my stepsisters, as well as Amelia and my other good friend Jiang Lee. My father died while attempting to save a couple from a burning car. He had witnessed their accident and immediately ran to their aid. I am glad that I can at least remember my father for the hero that he was, even though nothing could make up for his loss. I did not know how to deal with losing him at such an early age. Unexpectedly, from one day to another, I had become an orphan, but up until that moment I had the privilege to attend a posh school like Ravenshead Secondary School and live with my father in the Grateley's grand estate, Ravenshead Manor, inherited by Mrs Grateley after her late husband passed away.

Under normal circumstances, I would never be able to afford to attend a school such as Ravenshead, as we are a family of humble origins. Due to my father remarrying, however, new possibilities opened up for us. My father, bless his selfless soul, wanted me to have the same chances of success in life as my stepsisters did. That was why we moved from our little cottage in Blackfield to Ravenshead. Moving house and changing schools afforded me new opportunities, but also forced me to leave my former friends behind. Unfortunately, I have since lost touch with most of them. As was to be expected, I also did not fit in very well at Ravenshead. Nevertheless, my two best friends Amelia and Jiang made my time there bearable and worthwhile. Had it not been for them, I do not know for the life of me how I would have endured it. They stood by my side through thick and thin, as best friends are known to do.

I have found that school, especially Secondary School, could almost be compared to a jungle, in which only the fittest survive. In those years of maturation from childhood to adulthood, we go through many in-between stages, in which we ourselves are trying to find out who we truly are and who we want to be. Struggling to find yourself while having to study your hardest and, in addition, having to attempt to find your place amongst your peers, gosh is that a lot to take on! It is a time you often wish to get through as fast as possible so that your "real life" can begin, but until that moment arrives, school can seem to drag on at times, particularly when you do not feel that you belong. I often wished I was somewhere else, but dreaming my life away may have been an ideal means of escape from time to time, but there was no real escaping my situation at home.

In comparison to Beatrice, Lucinda was not much of a delight either as stepsisters go. She may not have seemed as mean-spirited as her sister at first glance, but she was certainly an enemy in disguise. When I first met her, she was never outright unfriendly to me, but she always kept her distance. By always being polite and not joining in her sister's provocations, she did not seem like a threat. Beatrice, on the other hand, would remind me ever-so-often of my mother dying at my birth and her death thus being inextricably linked to my birth, myself being to blame for her demise. She loved seeing me in pain when she bluntly told me:

"You know you basically killed your mother. If you hadn't been born, she would still be alive and well."

As if I did not feel guilty enough, Beatrice took pleasure in torturing me thus. As soon as I fought back, she cleverly made me look like the guilty party. She was all innocence in front of her mother. She was a cruel creature who did not shy away from a low blow. It was as if she had no soul, but her sister did not strike me as equally menacing. In fact, I thought at first I might be able to make friends with her, but oh how wrong I was there! She proved equally sinister as her sister. When we were younger, we used to share tennis lessons together. We were in the same group and always went to the Tennis Club together after school, but one day out of the blue when it almost seemed like we were actually friends or at least friendly, she wrote me a note in class, passing it over to Beatrice who then passed it gleefully to me. It read:

"I will no longer be going to tennis lessons with you."

No explanation. No nothing. I was tempted to reply at first, but then I thought it better not to dignify such contempt with a response. Maybe her plan all along was to build up a relationship with me only to drop me like a hot potato one day. Lucinda always made me wonder what I could possibly have done to offend her so much that she no longer wanted me as a friend, if she had indeed ever been one. After treating me with such contempt out of the blue by retracting her friendship for no good reason or for some apparently unforgivable offense I was unaware of, Lucinda made me feel insignificant and terribly guilty. From one day to the next she decided I was no longer worthy of her time and friendship, or so I thought. I should never have blamed myself looking back on her behaviour, but back then she gained power over me with her mindgames. There was another incident, which I did not think anything of when I was young. When I first joined Ravenshead School, I was interested in joining the school's dancing club, which Amelia was also a member of, but when I asked Lucinda where the dance rehearsals took place, she told me the wrong time, purposefully misleading me. At the time I assumed it was an innocent mistake, but after several such incidents I put two and two together. It was her modus operandi. She was a backstabber, a calculating schemer who had planned to hurt my feelings from the outset as if she were adhering to the saying "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." Every compliment out of her mouth has to be questioned. More often than not, she probably means the opposite of what she is saying – with a broad smile mind you. How could I ever have guessed she was a devil in disguise? It became absolutely clear to me when she joined in the laughter at my red jumper that she was certainly not my friend after all. I had stood up in class due to a game we were playing and laughter broke out. I stood there, the only one not in the loop, and I knew when she showed her true feelings openly that Lucinda was not to be trusted. Neither were the rest of them, except for Amelia and Jiang, of course, but Jiang had her own struggles to deal with. Her parents put a lot of pressure on her to come top in class, so she was seen as a swat, a teacher's pet and was not considered popular either.

Jiang, or "Ji-Ji" as Amelia and I used to call her, was my other best friend at Ravenshead. I bonded with her because she was a bit of an outsider herself due the pressure her parents exerted on her to do well in school. Her sole concern was to focus on succeeding, even exceeding expectations. Her strict upbringing prevented her from taking part in social activities in general, not only at school, but also with Amelia and me. Although we did meet up in our free time, her life was dedicated to please her parents, so she spent most of her time studying. When we would have movie nights, I remember her having to leave early, unless our get-together took place at her house. I now realise how difficult it must have been for her to sacrifice friendships, instead solely focusing on homework and exams. Our peers, of course, could not understand why she was so intent on succeeding, but she fitted in quite well with Amelia and me. We were the misfits of our class, but that fact only bonded us more intensely. She is still striving for success to this day, but as her parents left for China when Ji-Ji finished school, she was able to let her hair down when student life began for her. Although she was a year younger than me, she skipped an entire year at school and completed her A-Levels a year before Amelia and me. By that time, however, I was sent to a boarding school by my stepmother, Mrs Gratelely. I am sure it has now become apparent to you, reader, why I see so much of myself in Jane Eyre and where my obsession with that particular novel stems from.

This novel has always been my means of escape. It could provide me with comfort and hope in times of great need. It was a soothing prospect to know I still had that book to escape to, even on my darkest days. Jane was someone I admired from the moment I witnessed her inner strength and resilience, manifesting itself in her unwillingness to give up and her ability to stand up to Mrs Reed when she was only a young girl. I don't know if I will ever be able to do the same with my aggressors, but I know that I have to learn to put the past to bed some day soon. I need to learn to look forward, as I cannot change the past now. Although Jane may be fictional - and even if she were real we would have grown up in different times - we have so much in common. I have often felt like we are almost one single soul. From my first reading of the novel, I felt a deep connection to Jane. I identify with her so strongly that a world in which this novel does not exist seems unthinkable to me. What would I have done without it? The story just struck a cord with me. There were moments in my life when I was close to breaking point, but I made it through with Jane's help. I know I am talking about her as if she were a real person, but in full earnest, words cannot express how much Jane Eyre means to me. However, this novel was ultimately only a hideout where I could forget about harsh reality for a second. The friends I made in real life were my primary supporters. There was one particular friendship that made me a stronger and more confident person. I was lucky enough to meet the girl with whom I shared this friendship when I was sent off to Littlewood Boarding School after my father's demise. She was like a pillar, holding me up when I was down. The name of this incredible, angelic creature was Ava Hamilton.