Ba'el shifted uncomfortable at Saavik's bunk, trying to find a good way to sit. Saavik had taken the only available chair and had turned it around so it would face her instead of the desk. There was not much space between them. Such intimacy was something Ba'el usually relished, but Saavik was just too serious, and she was just too worried, so she guessed this was not going to be a talk she was really going to enjoy. Saavik had rested her chin on her steppled fingers and seemed to be in deep concentration. "So Garak asked you about my incident with Ajeya when I served in the Armstrong," she summarized aloud, "do you know what he referred to?"
Ba'el just nodded. When she had returned to the bridge from her short tour with Garak, she had been too anxious to speak with her in private. Thankfully, she had not needed to ask her; Saavik already planned to talk with her. Commander Song had been once more left in command of the bridge and now they held their meeting in Saavik's cramped quarters.
"I found about the incident when researching about Ajeya," she said.
"And you also asked me why I hated Ajeya, just as Garak did."
"But you told me it was private and I won't intrude!" she defended herself.
Saavik's eyes softened at Ba'el's agitated reply. "I know. I was just noting a fact."
Ba'el relaxed. The truth was she had intruded as much as she had been able to, but she had not being very successful.
"Ajeya tried to kill me. She will try again." Saavik was surprised that her words could flow so easily, that they would sound so calm, when actually her soul was in turmoil; she had much to thank to Vulcan teachings. "Actually, I have thought of killing her many times," she confessed her aide and friend. "For several years, that idea fueled me to survive."
She gazed at her as composed as ever. Ba'el slightly gaped as she interiorized the words. She already knew Saavik hated Ajeja, but she had never imagined she could hate her that much. Saavik could not fool her; she knew those words were hard to pronounce. She leaned forward, wanting for her to go on but not daring to say anything that would make her decide otherwise. She had asked Saavik before but she had refused to share, so Ba'el feared she may change her mind again at any moment. And she really needed to know.
"Thieurrul. I told you you would hear that name again, did not I?" Again, Ba'el just nodded; that word had also being included in her failed research, but she had not been surprised when she had found nothing.. "Ajeya is not here because of Koval. She is here because of Hellguard, and so am I."
Saavik suppressed a sigh; there was some tiredness around her she did not allow herself to fall to. She straightened and placed her hands on her lap. "I have to meet Ajeya and I need someone I can completely trust, Ba'el, someone who would be by my side no matter what."
Ba'el started to reach out and take her hands, but she refrained, realizing that the Vulcan would not be comforted by her touch and could actually get the opposite effect. She said simply, "You can count on me, Saavik." She used her name, not her rank, to stress it was personal, that she would not be by her side because she was her officer, but because she was her friend, even her family.
Saavik's eyes softly smiled at her. "There is a part of my life, of myself, that I have always been ashamed of. There are past actions I should regret. And however, I would not be the person I am if not for them. I hardly have talked to you about my childhood because there are matters I prefer not to address, however my childhood is threatening me again, it is threatening all of us and you of all people deserve to know."
She paused, composed herself again. She was still weighing Ba'el's possible reaction to the whole truth. No matter how many years had passed, she still feared other people's rejection. And Ba'el had always had such a high opinion of her…
"You can tell me, whatever it is," Ba'el encouraged her.
Saavik practically dragged her words out, "You know Hellguard is the colony where I was born… It's the colony where she bore me..."
"She?" Ba'el reflexively asked.
She regretted it the moment the question left her lips. She regreted it more when Saavik answered her, forced to say the name she had purposely omitted before.
"Ajeya."
Ba'el was shocked. Se had considered many possibilities, but certainly not that one. She had thought she could be a guard but not her own mother. She realized she had never known who Saavik's parents were, just that they did not love each other and that they did not love her back. She just knew that Saavik's childhood had paralelisms with hers but also stark differences, but she had never known the details that placed them apart. And suddenly, Raghnill's behavior made sense. She wanted to ask too many questions, but she just stared back at Saavik. There was too much emotion under those dark eyes.