D'Tan took off his uniform the moment he arrived home, placing it at the back of his wardrobe. Again, he was feeling sick, and his hands trembled slightly as he chose the new clothes and put them on. He breathed slowly and controled his emotions as he had been taught so long ago, but some of his restlessness always refused to go away. He remembered what Spock said about facing the source, but every time he tried, instead of feeling calmer, the rage and the fear that he felt deep inside only grew.
He had seen the fear and the despair in Asfast when he had asked him to join the Fleet again. Asfast was broken at the perspective of leaving his loved job as an artisan and becoming a politician. He could understand him well. He also loathed his job, after all. He had lost his soul to it. But D'Tan also knew it was for the greater good. Someone had to make the sacrifice, someone had to be courageous and do what needed to be done so finally the Empire became a better place to live in.
His cloak was on the bed. He reached it down and took his cherished book from it. Too many people had died for that dream. His parents had been among them. He had seen too many people die for those ideas while he had had to just stand by.
He caressed the book. Actually, every time he meditated, he grasped the reason behind his restlessness but refused to frankly aknowledge it.
Koval had been good to him but he had betrayed him, sentencing him to dishonor and death, because he was evil. He had hurted too many people, but so had him, D'Tan had to recognize that to himself. He had also had to participate in some of the crimes to reach the position he was now in. He had given up his life to make his parents' dream become true, but he wondered if the price he was paying was worth it; he wondered if he really knew the difference between right or wrong anymore, or those words had lost their true meaning a long time ago.
He left his room and joined Spock and Hakun, who were talking softly downstairs. His dear Vulcan friend and mentor had told him to face the source of his troubles. He knew that was the reason he had given him that horrible recording not so long ago, when his success over Koval was still pending. And he knew the source, he actually knew the source too well. A simple word: remorse. But he had still a crusade to fight for and a war to win; he knew it was no time for regret, and still, guilt consumed him.