Gordon does not remember being born. Sure he has seen the photos, of a tiny 2 pound baby in an incubator with tubes sticking out of every available bit of skin that isn't covered by a tiny diaper or specially knitted hat, designed to keep his head warm. He knows from listening to stories that he came very close to not making it. Infection after infection almost snuffing his life out before it had even begun.
He still has the hat, tucked away in a box under his bed with a million other of his childhood memories.
He knows he is the reason why there is such a large age gap between him and Alan, his parents were too scared to try again, too scared to put another innocent little life through what he went through.
He swears he remembers Alan being born, even though he had only just turned 4, he remembers being scared of the hospital, people only went to the hospital for bad things, like when Scott broke his arm falling off his bike. That he remembers like it was yesterday. And he remembers staying up all night with Grandma Tracy because he was too afraid to sleep. Even though she tells him he was flat out by 9pm, he knows that isn't true, he stayed up all night!
No hospitals are not a place for good people!
He has a photo of himself in a frame next to his bed, sitting on the sofa holding baby Alan. His only baby brother. He knows that his parents were worried if he would accept no longer being the baby, but they didn't need too be. Alan was his little brother and his responsibility. Just like he was Scott's, and Virgil's and John's.
He knows that he loves his older brothers, and that they love him.
Scott, a full eight years older than him, is always trying to keep him out of danger. He is his fathers right hand Man, and looking after all of his brothers is his job.
Virgil, is the only one of his brothers with the endless patience needed to truly give him the attention he wants. They will spend hours curled up together while he reads to him. Or he will sit quietly while Virgil practises the piano, this is the only thing that can keep him quiet and entertained for more than five minutes and is his parents saviour when they need some downtime from the boisterous blonde.
John never seems to really have the time for him, preferring instead to spend his free time shut up in his room studying. Which, to Gordon is the most boring thing in the world!
But Alan is his. And always will be.
Gordon knows he has very specific interests, he likes swimming, the aquarium, being outdoors and he loves celery crunch bars. He has been taking swimming lessons since before he could walk, and spends an hour a day begging his parents for his own pool.
He hates being stuck indoors when it's raining, bed time, being punished for playing a prank and pulled pork. That stuff tastes like feet!
The first prank he ever got punished for wasn't even his fault. Not really, it was Alan who gave him the idea.
His six month old brother was sitting in the middle of the lounge in his car seat, looking, in Gordon's eyes, bored and restless. And as his big brother is is his responsibility to entertain him.
Sensing his opportunity he sneaks up on Virgil's easel where he has left his latest masterpiece to dry, grabs a brush and adds a large orange cat face where he has painted Scott.
He remembers Virgil shouting at him, and he remembers his mother threatening him with a wooden spoon before ultimately deciding to make him sit in his room on his own for an hour "to think about his behaviour".
That was as angry as his mother ever got with him. An hour or two of isolation followed by a conversation about what he has done wrong and always a cuddle, so he was aware that he was forgiven.
He remembers feeling jealous of his older brothers when they were allowed to go to school at first, then he realised that it meant he got his mum or dad or sometimes his grandmother all to himself for hours.
The hours he spent with his grandmother were his favourite, sometimes she would take him to the park, or for ice cream or if the weather was terrible the local pool for a swim. And she would always put his car seat in the front for him, which is something his parents never allowed. He remembers feeling so grown up when he was with his grandmother.
He doesn't remember the avalanche. He knows that he was there but his brain will not allow him to remember it. But he does know that was the moment his world changed.
His father no longer laughed at his jokes. His grandmother moved in and was no longer fun. She shouted at him a lot over things he couldn't control, threatening him with a spanking for getting under her feet, or not cleaning up His toys, or making Alan cry. He no longer had His big brothers to help him navigate a world where he no longer fits, Virgil no longer had any time for him, he didn't read to him anymore. Or come to him in the middle of the night when he woke up crying. No one came to him anymore.
He remembers being forced into an uncomfortable black suit with a tie which reached his knees. He remembers the room with the flowers and the box, even though he has no idea why he is there sitting on the hard wooden bench between Virgil and Grandma. He doesn't understand why every one is crying.
He remembers being smacked round the back of the head by Virgil when he starts to fidget.
He remembers the snow and the icy chill in his bones, which he knows has nothing to do with the temperature as the box is lowered into the ground. And Scott poking him when it is his turn to lie a rose on top of the box.
He remembers being forced to sit on the sofa and greet total strangers who all tell him to be a good boy for his father and to be a good brother for his siblings.
He remembers the tantrum when it all became too much for his five year old brain to handle. The crying fit, his father quietly excusing himself from the guests to take him to bed, and holding him for hours while he cries. And waking up, hours later in the dark to find his dad still there, sitting on the chair next to his bed. Vowing to always be there for his boys. All of them.
After the funeral he was allowed to start school, and that's when his first real memories start.