Now he is finally alone with his father, Gordon can't stop crying. Caught up in a whirlwind of emotional trauma which he has no idea how to navigate.
Jeff is trapped in a similar position, for the first time in a long time he feels like he has lost any connection that he once had with his son. Forcing himself to keep looking at his tear-streaked face, Jeff reaches out for his hand and grasps it in his, letting him cry uninterrupted.
The silence is awkward and seems to last for hours before Gordon feels ready to talk, but he still can't. The words get stuck in his throat, everything he wants to say just can't be said aloud, not here, not in front of his father. Suddenly wishing that his brothers were all still in the room with him, he squeezes his dad's hand before he closes his eyes and pretends that he is asleep.
"Gordon, we both know you aren't asleep" Jeff tells him, hiding a smile.
"I am" Gordon insists, keeping his eyes closed.
Jeff snorts with laughter. "Come on, before your brothers get back, we need to have this chat"
"Can we do it later?" Gordon asks. Opening up one eye and gazing towards his father. Gordon can see the lines on his face, and he is sure that he didn't have that many grey hairs this time last week!
"Sure. Have you seen that they have announced a new season of Into the Unknown with Buddy and Ellie?" Jeff asks, trying desperately to keep any sort of conversation going.
"Yes" Gordon replies, opening his other eye and raising an eyebrow at his father. Did he really think that his father wouldn't know that he knew already?
"I signed Alan up for Rescue Scouts, he starts after Christmas. Don't worry he won't be in the same troop as you as you're different ages." Jeff tries, thinking that he needs to family news in one go.
"I am going to quit that anyway, so it doesn't matter what Alan does" Gordon replies.
"You love Rescue Scouts" Jeff reminds him slightly shocked by his reaction.
"I loved you too" Gordon reminds him. "Sooner or later everything hurts you and lets you down, so why bother with any of it. There is no point in any of it. Rescue scouts, swimming, school. Nothing is worth it."
Jeff is shocked into silence, and he has no idea how to handle this. getting up from the cold, hard, plastic chair and sitting down on the bed next to his Squid, who is making his heart ache with his own pain in a bout of empathy Jeff doesn't remember ever feeling before. He has hurt Gordon in the worst possible way, and he knows that there is no way of fixing it.
He wraps his arms around him, his vice like grip stopping him from wriggling free despite his best efforts. "I love you" Jeff tells him. "I will never stop loving you. Even if I am stuck a billion lightyears away on some far-off distant planet on the outer reaches of the solar system, I will still love you. You are my Squid, my Fishie, my whole heart and I would never hurt you intentionally"
"Then why did you break your promise?" Gordon asks. His voice breaking as he tries to stop a fresh onslaught of tears from falling.
"What promise?" Jeff asks confused.
"You said that you would never use my training as a punishment. You said" Gordon reminds him. "You know that I can't get my teammates down. You promised me Dad"
Jeff holds on tighter, resting his chin on the top of Gordon's head, as he recalls the conversation. The one while he was at the hospital having the cast taken off his arm, and he promised him that he would never use a training ban as a punishment. He should have realised that was what was behind Gordon's behaviour. If he could break this promise, what else is he capable of? "I'm sorry"
Gordon pulls himself free, turning to face his father. "Are you?"
"We all are" a voice from the doorway answers, making both Jeff and Gordon jump in surprise, as his four brothers come running into the room and throw themselves onto the bed, squashing Gordon into the middle of a group hug that leaves him in danger of suffocation, but he doesn't try to fight his way free this time.
"We all are" Jeff repeats Scott's words.
"So sorry" Virgil confirms. "Although if Scott would move so I can use my arm again I would be really grateful, you need to go on a diet big brother" which gets a proper giggle from Gordon.
"If I could free my own arm I would so whack you right now" Scott replies.
"No you wouldn't" Virgil replies. "Seriously though, can we move? This is beyond painful"
Scott gets up, freeing Virgil who starts to flex his limbs to ensure nothing has been injured in the brother crush pile. "Anyone else hungry?" Scott asks.
"Didn't we just have lunch?" Virgil replies, reminding him that they ate at home when they bought Nemo home.
"What's your point?" Scott asks with a shrug. "Come on, sneak me dad's card and I will order us a McDonald's"
"I could use a burger" John confirms, looking over at his father. "Come on dad. Please" he begs.
"I know the number" Gordon tells them, "Get me some nuggets and fries and I will let you have it"
That gets him a face palm from his father, who reaches into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out his wallet. "Get me a coffee, a burger with everything and large fries"
Virgil orders the food to be delivered and takes Alan out to the front of the emergency room to wait for it to be delivered.
"Virgil?" he asks once they are free from the room, and he takes his big brothers hand in his, as they walk down the corridor.
"Mmm" Virgil replies, his eyes not moving from his phone screen where he is tracking the food order.
"Is Gordon okay now?"
Virgil decides that honesty is what Alan needs, as he knows that he isn't okay. Not yet.
"He is going to be. But he needs us to be there for him. Even when he is being a brat, and he is annoying you. Can you do that?" Virgil asks.
"Yeah" Alan replies. "I miss having him at home"
"Me too, and I really miss having him snore up our room" Virgil tells him. "Come on, you can push the buttons on the elevator"
Virgil instantly regrets that decision as Alan sends them up to the top floor and not the ground floor. "You are so Gordon's little brother sometimes, that it is scary!" he tells him, pressing the right button to get them to their food.
The doors open thirty seconds later out on to a snowy, chilly afternoon and Alan snuggles into the bear hug warmth his brother offers while they wait. "I hate winter" he declares.
"Me too baby brother, me too!" Virgil agrees with a shiver.
*TB*
Ten minutes later everyone is gathered around Gordon's bed happily munching away from fries, nuggets and burgers while Virgil downs his coffee with wilful abandon.
"What happens now?" Scott asks their father.
"Well, I have spoken to the doctor and he is happy for Gordon to go home in a few days. After then it is up to you. I know what I want, but it isn't my choice" Jeff replies.
"What do you want?" Gordon asks curiously, trying to hide his trepidation about leaving the hospital.
"To take you all out of school for a few weeks and go on a real family vacation. I would like to spend some time at the island, but I am open to other options, and I also know that I wants to redecorate the house, which your brother's have agreed too. starting with your room. You can do whatever you like to it. a sea theme would be nice, and I know that Virgil found a bed which is shaped like a shark which I think you would like. As for school, I honestly don't know. I want you to stay, but that decision is up to you. But Gordon, please whatever you decide, take your time, and make sure that it is the choice for you."
"No school for weeks?" Alan asks excitedly.
"No school for weeks? John asks despondently.
"Dad, it's still football season" Virgil and Scott remind him.
Jeff laughs at the various reactions. "I have spoken to the schools, and they have agreed that as long as you complete the assignments they will email over then you can stay off until new year. Scott, Virg; is football really more important than your family?"
"Do you really want us to answer that?" Scott replies with a grin.
"I agree to the vacation on one condition" Virgil replies.
"That would be what?" Jeff asks.
"We go somewhere warm!" Virgil demands. "And it needs a pool"
"That's two demands" Jeff informs him.
"I am happy with the Island" John tells him.
"Me too" Scott adds. "Gords?"
Gordon has been watching the conversation without making any contributions of his own, but if he is going to be totally honest with them, then he wouldn't mind a trip to the island either. "Okay" is his only reply, and it is not brimming with enthusiasm.
"What about the shark bed?" Virgil asks.
Gordon nods with a smile. That he does want! "Yes please."
"Do you want me to move back in?" Virgil asks. "I won't abandon you again, I promise"
"Ever?" Gordon's voice is low and frightened. This is not part of a conversation he is ready for, and he would love to go back to discussing his shark plans instead.
"Ever, you're my wingman Squid, and I would never put you through anything like this again. I promise" Virgil says, reaching across the bed and offering him his last chicken nugget.
"Is that your last one?" Gordon asks.
"You're the only one I would give it too" Virgil confirms with a smile.
"I love you Virgil" Gordon's admission is a whisper, but Virgil manages to catch it, as he envelopes his brother in another bear hug embrace.
"I am never letting you go again" Virgil says. "Even if it means boarding school together okay?"
Gordon nods, his head buried in Virgil's chest, the chicken nugget in his hand still. "Hey Virg?" he asks.
"Yeah Fish?"
"You want half of this?" he offers, breaking it in two and giving him an almost identical piece.
Virgil doesn't need to be asked twice, as he raises the nugget into the air. "Nugget toast?"
Gordon does the same before they both eat the last nugget in the room.
*TB*
It isn't until visiting hours are over that a realisation hits Gordon. He doesn't want them to leave. Today has been perfect, and has reminded him of all the ways that being a Tracy is the best thing in the world. "Hey dad. If we go to the Island, can I go and see Toes?" he asks.
"Of course we can" Jeff tells him with a smile. "We will be back tomorrow okay?"
Gordon nods. "Can you bring Star?"
"No! that was a terrible decision" Scott tells him laughing. "But we will be back in the morning, we can bring pancakes though"
"That will have to do" Gordon replies, giving him a faked sigh.
"And I have your escape planned" Jeff reminds him.
Gordon nods happily. "See you tomorrow"
Being alone this time doesn't feel so scary, he thinks as he settles back against the pillow and flips on the television monitor opposite the bed tuning into his favourite cartoon channel which is having a Tom and Jerry marathon. Laughing his way through two hours of Tom trying in vain to catch the mouse, and hoping that his own cats are as hapless at hunting, as he always feels bad for the mice, and is just drifting off to sleep when the phone next to his bed rings.
Smiling as he answers, knowing that it will be his dad. "Hello?"
"Gordy!" a voice on the other end replies.
"Alan?" Gordon questions.
"Yeah, I borrowed Scott's phone. I just wanted to check to see if you are okay. Dad thinks I am in the bath, but we both know that's not going to happen, I had a bath last week!" Alan tells him in disgust.
"I'm okay Al" Gordon replies laughing. "Maybe dad has a point, you should take a bath every now and again because it keeps him from nagging you."
Alan grumbles something unintelligible down the line.
"What was that? I didn't quite catch that Al. Some sort of sentence that sounded a lot like 'sure I will go and take a bath, thanks for the fantastic advice oh wise and powerful Gordon'" Gordon says with a grin.
"Yeah right!" Alan replies. "Ugh Scott is yelling at me, something about cell phones and potato chips. I think I have to go. Please come back soon, I miss you"
"I really miss you too Al" Gordon confirms, wishing that he was at home watching Alan and Scott fight over the snacks for movie night, and reading books with Virgil and star gazing on the roof at midnight with John. He even missed Grandma's cooking!
The next voice he hears is Scott's as he has obviously got control of the phone. "Get Alan to take a bath, and I will get you a new Lego set"
Gordon starts to laugh. "Give him back the phone. Hey Alan, take a bath and Scott will let you stay up until three in the morning playing baby shark on repeat and he will do the dance moves too"
"Excuse me?" Scott interrupts.
"Deal!" Alan announces giving Scott the phone and skipping from the room into the bathroom to take the prescribed bath.
"Scott?" Gordon asks.
"Yes?" Scott replies, trying and failing to be upset at the turn of events.
"Can I have a Lego shark? It will go really well with my shark themed room." Gordon asks.
"Sure, I will get one and bring it in tomorrow. Go and get some sleep while I get tortured with Baby Shark for the rest of the night. Love you Gords" Scott needs to get those last three words in, he has to let him know.
"I love you too" Gordon replies. "Night Scott, and don't worry about Alan, he will be sound asleep by nine o'clock"
Hanging up the phone, Gordon flicks the light off before lying down in the bed, Squid snuggled up in his arms as he drifts into the happiest and most peaceful sleep he has had in weeks, as he finally realises that he is exactly where he needs to be.
With his family.