AN = Hey! So this is the prequel to Chapter 40 Marry. Shout out to Seddie4thewin, they suggested to do this and gave me some questions to answer in there. They also wrote the first ever fanfiction I ever read, iGo Home, I highly recommend it. (By the way, yesterday, I read a really sad story called iLove My Little Sister on this website and it's sorta a Seddie fanfic. It was so good! I recommend that too.) x

Warning: This story is probably rated T. (Spoiler alert: someone was about to commit suicide.) Man, how dark...

Disclaimer: If I owned iCarly, Seddie would've never broken up...and for the slow ones, I DO NOT own iCarly. Or the song 'Invisible' by Taylor swift.

Ruined

She can't see the way your eyes light up when you smile...

I knew it was coming. Why was I not ready for it?

Presently, I took a deep breath and nodded my head, telling them that I had heard them. He couldn't marry her. Did he not love me anymore? Did our words in the elevator years ago not mean anything to him? What did she have that I didn't?
Wait, I could answer that last question. She had a future. She was going to live a happy life, unlike I was. She didn't care how much I was hurting inside.
I couldn't just blame her though; he was the one who proposed.
She'd never see the way his eyes lit up when he smiled.

"Wow, um, I'm so happy for you guys," I smiled the best I could before getting up. "I'd love to celebrate with you guys, but I have to call Cat quickly. I'll be back in a moment," I was lying of course.

I closed the door behind me then leaned up against it, trying to stop the tears from falling. He was never going to ever want me back, was he? Why did he propose to her? And why did she say yes? Last time I checked, she didn't even love him!
My feet led me to the only place I felt safe to express my feelings: the fire escape. I thought it would stop my tears, but honestly, it made it worse. As I climbed out the window and onto the fire escape, I wished Freddie was there with me and none of this mess had ever happened.
I looked over at the city beneath me. And I couldn't lie, I was awfully tempted to jump off. I didn't want to be there anymore if I had nothing.
I had nothing to live for. Cat would be moving away in a few months to New York to attend a fancy singing school and Freddie was marrying his dream girl, Carly. I didn't have many people because I never thought I ever needed people. I had nothing anymore.

But the only thing stopping me from jumping was when I closed my eyes, about to jump, and Freddie was imprinted in my memory. He was all I could see. He was wearing a simple striped blue and grey shirt with black jeans with converse sneakers. On his face was the lopsided grin he was famous for, while his chocolate, brown, warm eyes were hurt. They looked betrayed and hurt, as though he knew what I was about to do.
I couldn't do it. He'd think that it was because of him if he ever found out that I jumped off and ended my life. I couldn't leave him feeling guilty. I loved him too much to just give up.

I backed away from the edge and sat myself down on the steps where Freddie had sat the first time we kissed 'just to get it over with'. That was our lame excuse. Although, I'd admit that I was quite glad I had my first kiss with him and not some absolute jerk-face.

"Sam?" I turned around reluctantly at the awfully familiar voice. It was obviously Freddie, probably wondering why I was sat outside in the freezing cold.

"Oh, hey," I said, standing up. "I was just, um, having a minute. Yeah, that's right, just having a minute."

He smiled. "Mind if I join you?"

"Shouldn't you be celebrating with your fiancée?" I asked bitterly, trying to hold my anger and upset. I quickly wiped my face free of any tears.

I was livid, not exactly with him but kind of. He didn't know how much I loved him. He didn't know how much I had given up just to come back to Seattle.

A few weeks ago, I got a letter from an elementary school in LA. They said they had accepted my application for me to teach dance workshops for students in the fall. I applied a couple of months ago but I never imagined I'd actually get it. Apparently, my experience with children came in handy, same as my dance experience and pageant work. But I'd turned them down. I wanted to move back to Seattle for good. Cat had even said she wanted me to come to New York with her. I turned down two different things just to go back home, mainly to see Freddie. I thought that now I was in the same state, we could maybe have another go at 'us'. But obviously not.

I had turned down two life-changing experiences just to come back from nothing. If I knew about this in advance, I would've stayed in LA or went with Cat to New York. I had turned down two new lives for them.

She'll never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by...

When Freddie and I were dating when we were seventeen, five years ago, there were some nights when we would just stay up and talk, maybe kiss occasionally. We'd talk about the most random things, we had no intention of our conversations to be memorable. But I still remembered pretty much every word of every conversation we ever had. I thought ahead and took the time to recite and remember our conversations to cherish the moments I was happy, in case we broke up like we had. Then I'd remember the time in my life I was ever happy.
Freddie used to smile upon noticing my presence. He'd stop and stare as I walked by him. His eyes would light up when he smiled. I remembered every little detail on his face, from his rosy-red cheeks to the freckle below his left ear.

"She was gonna get an early night," Freddie said, snapping me back into reality. "I told her I'd be there in a minute. I wanted to come talk to you and make sure you're okay."

No, Freddie, of course, I'm not okay! You're marrying my best friend! Why would I be okay about that? I was just close to ending my life because of you!
I nodded. "Seriously, I'm fine," I sighed, turning to leave. "I have to go for the night. I've got to get some of my stuff before I go back to LA."

"You know I'm here if you ever need to talk, right?" he called after me as I began to walk towards the elevator.

"I know," I called back, not even bothering to turn around to look at him.

I ran all the way home, kicking leaves out the way as I ran. I couldn't be around anyone at that precise moment. I needed to go home and cry into my pillow.
I knew Carly had been the girl for Freddie for years. Even while myself and Freddie dated, I knew it wouldn't last. And I was, of course, right. After we dated, he went right back to running after Carly, asking her if it was too late for her to love him. Then when Carly went to Italy and I ran off to LA, Freddie went after me and tried to bring me home. I was stubborn though and refused to leave since I had nothing holding me to Seattle anymore.

And when I arrived at Carly's earlier, Carly smiled and told me she had something to tell me that she couldn't over webcam. She told me she and Freddie had been dating and that that night was their three year anniversary. Funny that, actually, considering that night had been three years since Freddie had gone back to Seattle after the incident with the fish. Which meant as soon as he got home, he asked her out and she said yes.

It killed me inside that they were now engaged.

Once I arrived at my former house, at last, I wasn't surprised that I wasn't greeted by my 'mother', if I could even call her that. She was probably still out or something. I did tell her I was gonna be home for a few days so it wouldn't have been a complete shock when she got home that night. I entered my bedroom and realised everything was exactly where I had left it.

Sighing, I opened my closet and saw my old school bag placed on the hardwood bottom. I grabbed it and threw it onto my bed before rifling through it. There was a load of old textbooks and exercise books instead, along with a few scraps of paper. I asked myself why I'd decided to keep those pieces of paper, but it all came clear when I read the writing on them...

Hey, Frednub. x
Sam, why are you passing me notes during class? Miss Briggs will kill us if she finds out.
Calm down, lover boy. I was only gonna ask if you wanted to go to the Groovy Smoothie after school with me. T-Bo has new bacon and ham flavoured smoothies that I NEED to try. x
Okay then, I'll meet you at your locker after school. And by the way, we could then go back to my apartment because my mum is working the late shift.
Hmm, I like the way you think, Benson. x

My last comment just sounded so much like me. I remembered back when we were dating, I'd make really insulting comments when we were around other people but Freddie knew I didn't mean it. I was always sweeter to him when we were in private.

I grabbed another piece of paper. This one was a really funny note I got from Freddie one day stuck in my locker randomly...

You remember what I told you last night about not ever telling my mum we had that sleepover at your house last week? Because she somehow knows and is making me take four tick baths after school! Thanks, Puckett.

That note always cracked me up. I loved telling his mother on him for stuff because it was literally the funniest thing ever. I remembered I told her Freddie and I made out at school in front of my locker every morning, her reaction was priceless. She blew up and literally fainted, it took her a whole twenty minutes to regain consciousness.

I couldn't read anymore though, it hurt too much. I shook my head before putting the notes back into my bag and pushing my bag off the bed and onto the floor.
I got an early night that night. I cried myself to sleep and made my pillow all wet and soggy.

And you can't see me wantin' you the way you want her, but you are everything to me...

The next morning, I awoke crying again. I was surprised I hadn't run out of tears yet. Man, I was crying as if Freddie was dead or something. If I ever lost him, I mean like if he died (because technically I had lost him to Carly), I would never forgive myself. I wouldn't be at his funeral because I'd be trying to find the person who killed him or made him end it all.

He was my everything. He didn't know I wanted him more than she'd ever want him. He didn't know I'd give up ham just to be with him. He had no clue how much I wanted him. Correction needed him.

"Freddie," I sobbed. "What have you done to me?"

How did he still have such a hold on me? And why was I still asking questions that I'd never get any answers to?

"Why her?" I whispered to myself. "Why did he have to love her?"

He'd always wanted her, and who was I to get in the way of that? Even when we dated, I had my suspicions that he still loved Carly, even though he insisted that he didn't. Did our words to each other in that elevator all those years ago mean nothing to him?

Knock. Knock. Knock.

I groaned before forcing myself to get out of the bed. The quiet knocks turned into loud hammering at the door.
"I'm coming, geez!" I yelled, practically begging for them to stop that awful banging noise.

Thinking it was just my mum's man of the week or something, I opened the door and definitely didn't expect to see my best friend stood there.

"Oh, hey, Carls," I smiled, moving out the way to invite her in. "How are y-"

"What the hell is your problem, Puckett!" she spat, catching me completely off-guard. I had no idea what she was talking about. She didn't know I was crying over this, did she? And if she did, wouldn't she be all kind and understanding about it? She seemed so angry and it kinda scared me; I'd always hated Mad Carly.

"Um, what?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

"I should be asking you if you're okay apparently!" Carly said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Since you were the one crying last night!"

"Huh, I have no idea what you're talking abo-"

"Drop the act! You just can't stand that Freddie loves me instead!"

I frowned. "But what do you want anyway? You came at," I glanced over at the clock on the mantelpiece before looking back at the brunette. "Nine-thirty in the morning just to yell at me? How'd you even know I was gonna be up!?"

"When you're upset, you always wake up early because then you can get an early start to the day and try to forget about whatever is bothering you," Carly explained.
Man, she knew me so well...knew being the operative word.

And I just wanna show you, she doesn't even know you...

"But I'm not upset, Shay," I groaned. "Get that through your head! And why would I be upset anyway? I don't have a good enough reason to be..." I muttered that last part.

"You're upset because Freddie loves me more!" Carly said matter-of-factly.
I was so close to just punching her, but I couldn't just lash out. Because that would cause Freddie to be hurt too. Even though it was partly Freddie's fault that I almost ended my life the night before, I didn't want him to get hurt by my actions; he had no idea I was even feeling this way.

"And," Carly continued, ignoring my roll of my eyes. "Freddie told me yesterday that you tried to kiss him! Why would you do that!?"

"Wait, I didn't do that," I growled. "You're either lying or Freddie's lying. And I could ask you the same question. I'd never do that because I actually have some decency!"

She mockingly gasped. "What do you mean by that?"

"I know you and Freddie kissed before you left for Italy four years ago!" I yelled. "He told me!"

"So what? It wasn't like you two were dating or anything..."

"You knew I still loved him! I even told you that I was thinking of asking him out again!"

"Too late for that now, anyway," Carly smirked. "He's marrying me because he loves me. Not you, Puckett."

"Oh, and what would happen if I went and snitched you up to him, telling him that you screamed at me and lied about me trying to kiss him?" I said smugly, knowing the reaction I'd get from her.

She deadpanned. "You wouldn't dare."

"Try me," I said, taking a step towards her.

"You have literally ruined my life!" she screamed, obviously unable to think of a good comeback.

"You see, Carls. Freddie thinks you're just sweet, little, innocent, brunette Carly. Wouldn't it be a shame if this little argument got out? And it ended up on newspaper covers and, oh, I don't know, Freddie just so happened to see it. You'd think he'd still love you then?"
Carly didn't answer that. She just flicked her hair then stormed out of my house, slamming the door behind her.

She knew she was in the wrong even coming to my house like that. She had no idea how much Freddie still meant to me. She didn't know he was all I thought about at night. He was the only person I had ever properly cried over.

"So much for being my friend," I mumbled darkly as I went into the kitchen to check the cupboards. Nope, no food like usual.
I sighed before heading upstairs to pack the rest of my stuff. There was no point me staying in Seattle now, so I thought about maybe seeing if it was too late to accept Cat's invitation to go with her to New York.

She's never gonna love you like I want to, and you just see right through me but if you only knew me...

When I had everything packed, I locked the house front door behind me and got on my motorbike, making sure my bag was tied tightly to the back. As I drove off into the distance, I heard someone calling my name. Not just someone though; it was Freddie.

I rolled my eyes and slowly came to a stop, hearing footsteps running towards me." What do you want?" I sighed, tightening my helmet on my head.

"Why are you leaving?" he asked, ignoring my question.

I shrugged. "I don't have anyone here anymore."

"What on earth are you talking about? You have me and Carly-"

"Carly?" I said bluntly. "So she hasn't told you about our fight?"

"You guys fought?" his eyes widened. "But why?"

"It's stupid, okay?" I frowned, about to start my bike again. "Get her to tell you."

"No, Sam, I want you to tell me," he said firmly.

I turned around in my seat so I was looking at Freddie properly. "We fought over you."

"What?!"

"Yeah, well, I told you it was stupid."

"You can't just leave..." he told me as I turned back around to ride off.

"I've done it before," I reminded him, avoiding his eyes.

They were my weakness. His chocolate brown eyes. They were the thing stopping me from jumping yesterday. It was just a shame the guy who owned those eyes was acting like a jerk.

"And you can't talk me out of it," I finished, riding off. "See you around, Freddie."

"Sam, don't just run from this!" he called after me, although I didn't stop this time. I drove off 'into the sunset', as they said in movies.

We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible.

Literally, everyone said it. We were cute together. We were beautiful together. But if you asked me, we were a total miracle. I never thought I'd ever fall in love with him, ever. And well, we were unbelievable, really.

The one word to sum up our mess of a relationship: unbelievable.

As I pulled up outside mine and Cat's apartment complex, after a ten hour drive, I felt extremely guilty. I had left, again, without even a second thought. I had left Freddie, this time though. Left him wondering if I'd ever come back.

There's a fire inside of you that can't help but shine through...

That night, I poured my heart out to Cat about the whole situation. She nodded and properly didn't take any of it in, thankfully. We then watched some really rubbish movies and ate junk food all night.

When I woke up, I felt really cold and empty. The realization of the reality finally caught up with me: I had lost him, for good.
I couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of my heart being broken by the same person every time. I was sick of Carly getting whatever she wanted without ever having to do anything. I was sick of her having stuff just handed to her. I was sick of Freddie lying to me about loving me.
I bet he never loved me.

Cat even offered for her to set me up on dates so I could get over him. I politely declined though.
"No offence, Cat," I muttered to her when she offered. "But I don't really trust your taste in boys. They're not my type." And when she asked me what my type was, I went silent on her. I couldn't tell her I liked dorks, that would be the most embarrassing thing ever.

Well, more like just one particular brown eyed dork.

She's never gonna see the light, no matter what you do...

Carly seemed really angry and upset about the situation. Obviously not as much as me though. She'd never appreciate him like it did. She'd never even come close to ever love him as much I did.

She thought I had ruined her life. I had no idea why, though. How had I ruined her life? She had everything she ever wanted. If anything, she ruined my life.
And all I think about is how to make you think of me, and everything that we could be...
Freddie was the only thing in my life that made me happy. Well, used to.

While we were dating, we'd always spend as much time with each other as possible. But I took advantage our time together; when we broke up, I realised we hadn't actually spent as much time together as I originally thought we had. Mainly when we were at Carly's apartment after school or if his mum was working the late shift was pretty much the only times we hung out. I never knew how busy he was during school; he did a lot of extracurricular activities. And who knew he actually went to the gym? He took me there one weekend and Freddie looked so hot while he was lifting weights, even if he was dripping with sweat.
I was already sorta missing screaming, fighting and kissing in the rain. I was quite a thrill, really. One of the advantages of such a dysfunctional couple... I missed how we used to be when it was all over. The month of us dating came all too quickly and ended just as fast.

Like shadows in a faded light, oh we're invisible. I just wanna open your eyes and make you realize...

I just want to show you, she doesn't even know you.

"Baby, let me love you, let me want you."

I loved him. And nothing was ever changing that. I didn't care that Carly was probably going to put a restraining order against me, there was always a loophole somewhere. I didn't care that she thought I had 'ruined her life' just because of one stupid argument over a boy (I was pretty sure we swore never to fight over a boy ever again after the whole Shane incident).

I was going to get Freddie back, even if it killed me.

She can't see the way your eyes light up when you smile.