"And I say I'm only playing,
but the truth is this
That I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss
And I'm terrified, but I can't resist."
- Finally / Beautiful Stranger by Halsey

Somehow, I had managed to avoid being alone with Dean since our "shooting" lesson. I'd intentionally stuck close to Jane and Michelle whenever possible, and up till now, it had worked. After Michelle swung on Sam in the kitchen though, she excused herself. Everyone seemed to scatter, and before I knew it I was alone with Dean.

"Beer?"

His voice startled me and I turned to face him fully. "What?"

"A beer, want one?" He motioned to the fridge as if I was slow.

"Uh, sure. I think Jane is done torturing me for the day, I can indulge."

I smiled awkwardly. I wanted to say he looked relieved but didn't trust myself not to be reading too far into his expressions. He grabbed two beers from the fridge, opening one and passing it to me. He headed toward the porch, but I hesitated to follow, he held the door open and tilted his head for me to lead the way out.

I sat as usual on the steps, simultaneously wishing he would sit close, while also hoping he would sit on the other side of the steps. I was ready to read into either choice way too far. When he sat down closer, our legs touching slightly, I reminded myself what he'd just been through with Sam and Famine. I told myself he probably just needed some comfort, and I was it, for now. Another needed distraction. I broke the silence cautiously, "is Sam...are you both okay to do another job so soon?"

"No time for more rest. Not now."

I let myself look at him fully, seeing the weight of guilt and sadness heavy in his eyes. I instinctively put my hand on his leg and squeezed gently. Dean rubbed his face, dropping his hand to rest on top of mine. We lapsed back into an oddly comfortable silence.

I snuck another glance and saw Dean looking at our hands on his leg. He looked over his shoulder into the house before turning to me, "so, what did Michelle say when you told her?"

"Nothing. I never told her. There wasn't the right time"

While I wanted to tell Michelle, it hadn't happened. Training with Jane, and now Giles, took up most of our days. When we weren't training, we were both too exhausted to talk about anything serious. So rather than work through what I was feeling with my friend, I chose to lean into ignoring the situation and hoping it would solve itself. I watched Dean's face for a reaction, but I couldn't get a read on his expression. Confused? Relieved? He took another drink of his beer.

"I almost told Sam."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. He was on me about...something. Anyway, then everything went to shit."

He glared out over the yard, and I didn't know what to say. My mind started to spin out a bunch of negative possibilities, Was he thinking we were cursed? It was a mistake? Before I could chase my pessimism, he spoke, cutting through my thoughts.

"Were you avoiding me?"

"No…" His face looked like he knew I was full of it, "maybe? I figured it was easier for you if I did? I didn't have much experience with guys before I died. "

"What?" Dean looked over at me, some of the weight in his eyes was replaced with bemusement. "Do you mean what I think you mean?"

"Yes. And no, it's not just because my body is all new and shiny again."

"So when you died...you died a virgin?" I nodded, "That's just plain wrong."

I laughed nearly spitting out the beer in my mouth at his words and expression. He looked genuinely upset.

"Trust me. I had my time as a ghost to be pissed off about that too."

"And what, you were just going to let some jackass like me be your first?"

"You're not a jackass Dean."

Dean shook his head and took a drink of his beer before speaking. "Don't girls usually want romance, fancy hotel rooms, candles and all that?"

"Sure, maybe that's true for some, but the way I see it, I missed my chance my first go-around at life. Now I'm human again, but of course, it's literally the apocalypse, so I could die tomorrow. Time isn't exactly on my side."

Dean nodded, "so what, grab the nearest breathing male?"

I grinned. "Well, you know Bobby was looking quite dashing the other day…" He shot me a depreciating look, so I decided to switch to honesty instead of sarcasm. "No, but this whole situation?" I motioned between the two of us. "Weird. Did I wish something would happen? Hell yes. Did I ever actually expect anything to happen? Hell no."

He was staring at me with an odd look, so I kept talking or more accurately babbling. "I know your life. On the road. Hunting. Doesn't really line up with candlelit dates, flowers, and fancy rooms. So what happened, I definitely enjoyed it and it wasn't just because you were the nearest breathing male. Do I expect you to be the candles guy? No. Would I like it? I'm a woman, and you're…" I motioned at his face and body, "you."

He smiled, his laugh lines running deep, the ones that sent butterflies through my stomach.

"You're cute when you're flustered." I could feel my cheeks blazing, and he squeezed my hand. "While you're right, with this job and what we're facing? I'm not that guy. But my car? My version of candlelit dinners."

I opened my mouth to reply but was interrupted by Sam coming around the house, duffle bag in hand. I pulled my hand back to hide it from Sam's view.

"Dude, seriously? You're drinking? Thought you wanted to hit the road before dark?"

Dean sighed, stood up, and chugged back the rest of his beer.

"Listen, when I'm back." He looked from Sam back to me. "I promise to take you shooting again." He winked, handed me his empty bottle and followed Sam towards the Impala.