Chapter 2

Laying in bed, I couldn't believe that the day had already come to an end. It started just as it'd begun: Ellie beside me, peacefully sleeping, unaware of the battle going on inside my mind. Only now, the fight was far different than before. In the morning, I was shoving away thoughts of Jack's uncertain return, and they'd now been replaced by one's of our new beginning.

The air in the room was different, even if nothing had really changed. It was the same as before, only completely different. I couldn't make sense of it in my head, no matter how badly I wanted to.

Possibly, I thought, the reason why it all felt convoluted was because of the fact that Ellie still laid beside me, just as she did when Jack was away. And now he was back, but things were nowhere near as normal as they'd once been.

Bedtime had been an unusually difficult task to manage. It only seemed natural at this point that Ellie crawled in beside me, nestling into my side to fend off any remnants of loneliness. The thought of where Jack would now sleep hadn't even occurred to me. I offered to have Ellie sleep between the two of us, but he shot the idea down quickly, insisting that he took her bed.

He'd pulled me into the hallway, his voice low as he told me he couldn't bear to make her change her habits because of his sudden return. I nodded along, telling him that it wouldn't last forever, that he was home now and she could slowly wean back into the idea of sleeping in her own bed.

We'd both read her a bedtime story, tucking her under the covers together just as it was when she was a toddler. She seemed to ease into the idea of Jack being home fairly quickly, but I could sense that she was still somewhat apprehensive towards him. I reassured Jack that she'd warm up to him before he knew it.

My mind finally, after an eternity of lying alone with my thoughts, started to ease its momentum of flow. Just as I felt my body begin to soften into the covers, a slight tap on the door snapped my eyes open.

I propped myself up onto my elbows, watching as the door slid open just a bit. Jack was on the other side, and he peeked his head in.

He scanned around the darkness before he spotted me, "Can I come in?"

I put my finger to my lips, only to realize he couldn't see me all too well. He looked nervous, and my heart chipped away a bit, "Is everything alright?"

He nodded at me, stepping into the room about a foot. "Can we talk somewhere? It's alright if you can't, if you have to stay with her or if you-"

He was rambling, I realized. That's never been something he'd done, and I cut him off before he got too ahead of himself, "Of course we can."

I carefully threw my legs out of the blankets, trying my best not to wake Ellie beside me as I practically peeled her off of me and lay on her on my pillow. Luckily, she was the heaviest sleeper I'd ever met in my life. Walking out the door, I closed it behind me lightly, before wordlessly following Jack downstairs.

Once we reached the ground floor, I was already stifling a yawn. I wasn't sure what time it was, but I already knew that it was far too late at night.

"I'll make some tea," I said as more of a comment than a question, already making my way into the kitchen and preparing the kettle. Jack again was watching me the whole way through.

Only this time, he spoke up. He cleared his throat, licking his lips, "Things have really changed around here."

"Have they?" I turned my head to look at him for only a second, "I don't really think they have."

"You've changed," Jack corrected himself, and this time I whipped around. I searched into his eyes to find out what he meant, only to be met with the sadness that lined them. "You're… self-sufficient, you're independent… it's like you don't need me anymore."

His words stopped me in my tracks. I dropped everything I'd been planning on doing and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his back as he sat. "I'll always need you, Jack. But you and I aren't together because I needed you. We're together because we love each other." I gave him a moment to take in my words. "So yes, I can take care of things while you're gone, and I can survive without you, but I don't want to. I never want to."

"You should never have had to," he said quietly. "I should've been here with you, taking care of you and Ellie. But instead, here we are, acting like nervous strangers around each other. And Ellie…" his voice cracked as he cut himself off, emotion taking over.

I released my hold, walking around and sitting beside him and taking his hand. "I know," I whispered. "But it'll get better, Jack. I know it seems hopeless right now, but it's not. And she's just like you, which means she's easy to get to know. This seems like a massive amount of time right now, and it is, but believe me, Jack, a few months or years from now and it'll be like you never left."

Jack sighed, "I can't get her face out of my head, Rose. The way she looked at me, it was like she had no idea who I was. And who can blame her? She was three when I was drafted."

"She remembers who you are, Jack, I promise. I told her stories about you, showed her pictures, and some of it she remembers on her own. She's just shy right now, but she'll warm up to you again in due time."

"She shouldn't have to warm up to me. I should never have left."

I gripped his hand that I held, "We both wish we could change that, but we can't. It happened, and it was horrible, but now all we can do is try to rebuild our life and move on, even if it feels impossible to do so."

He didn't seem that convinced, "You really think we'll be as close as we were before all this?"

On the other hand, I was completely and utterly sure of myself, "Yes, I do."

"And you and I?"

"What about us?" I asked, knitting my eyebrows.

"You think we can get back what we had before?"

For once, we were on completely different wavelengths. "I don't think we ever lost it. It was never even put on pause. My love for you never wavered this last year. And it never will." I smiled at him, going to touch his cheek. And to my surprise, the second I made contact, Jack burst into tears.

Seeing him so broken almost tore me apart, but I kept myself together. For him. For all the times that he kept himself together when our roles were reversed. All he needed in that moment was me, and nothing in the universe could keep me from him.

I took his head and brought it closer to me until it rested against my chest. With one hand I stroked his silky, smooth blonde hair, just as I did with Ellie earlier in the day. The other one was wound tightly with his.

All my mind could focus on was just how different he was. While he was worried about my differences, he'd seemingly come back as a whole new man. More on edge, more worried, more cautious and calculated.

What I told him was true. My love for him was still just as, if not more, strong than it'd been when he'd been forced to leave. Watching him fall apart in my arms was almost equally as hard as having to say goodbye to him at the train station.

Because, try as I might, I couldn't help but think that, in a way, I was saying goodbye to the old Jack.

Back in bed, I was even more helpless than before. There was so much more to think about after the interaction with Jack.

He'd cried against me for a while. I wasn't keeping track, but it had to have been at least five or ten minutes. The whole way through I'd just held him, stroking his head and silently letting him know I was there. Surprisingly, I stayed relatively relaxed. Of course the meltdown chipped away at me, but I resisted any urge to crumble down beside him.

Eventually, the tears stopped and he just laid there. Then, he'd slowly picked up his head and I wiped his tears. I'd waited for him to say something, not really thinking he would, but wanting to leave the chance to do so open.

Just as I'd suspected, he hadn't said anything. I'd followed his lead as he stood up. He had tried to smile, I could tell, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He leaned down to kiss my cheek, said goodnight, and started to walk away.

The playback of the conversation kept running through my head.

"Jack, wait!" He turned back to me. I took a few steps towards him, putting my hands on his shoulders, watching him with some caution, before deciding that it was okay for me to slide my hands up to wrap around his neck. I leaned forward as I kissed him, finally wrapping my arms around him, "I love you."

My eyes moved back up, and I found him smiling. And this time, it reached all the way to his eyes and beyond. A genuine smile. "I love you too."

The last thing I thought of before I fell asleep was the sight of his tired eyes looking back at mine.

~ JACK ~

The first thing I became aware of was the sweat dripping down my forehead, followed by the pounding of my heart, then finally the smell of home. Home. I counted to ten in my head, convincing myself that that's where I truly was. I wasn't in some desolate war zone surrounded by death and destruction. In actuality, it was quite the opposite. With Ellie's stuffed bears and neatly woven quilt, it was the perfect reminder that I was where I belonged.

I took a deep breath, wiping my hands on my pants and standing up. Trying to focus on the sound of the wind instead of the sound of my own mind, I left the bedroom for the second time that night, walking down the stairs and sitting on the last step.

I'd learned the technique from a friend I met in training: count to ten, pin down all your senses, and breathe in and out until it all slows down. I practiced that for as long as I could, until it finally did come to a stop.

Sitting there, only accompanied by the wind, made me realize that I was home. Of course I'd known it, but even when I held Rose in my arms, talked to Ellie and cried in the kitchen, I hadn't realized it. I was able to finally take it all in with no distractions. To really look around and take note of the differences.

Rose wasn't the only thing that had changed since I'd been gone, but one consistent thing was the layout and structure of our home. She'd kept it the exact same as before I left. I admired the familiarity of the place, and if I could bet, I'd say that she would make a great interior designer. There were a million other things I could've been thinking of, but for one reason or another that was the only one that kept repeating.

She deserved to do something she loved, something she was good at. I remembered the two of us, me decorating the walls with elaborate shapes and designs, her placing the furniture and mixing the colors perfectly. It was a happier thought, a much needed escape from the inner turmoil that'd consumed most of my thoughts as of late.

And then, tiny footsteps marched down the stairs, stopping a few steps behind me. I knew Ellie was there, but it didn't make me jump any less when I felt her fingers gently tap against my shoulder. I let out a gasp as I turned around, still able to see her face. "What are you doing up?"

She didn't say anything, only looked at me, searching my face for the same answer. I thought about her as a baby and the toddler that I left behind. Always so observant, almost as if she could read people's minds and instantly understand everything. At that moment, I knew that despite her looking older, she was still the same girl.

Ellie reached her arms out for me, just like she had to Rose so many times that day, and just like how she used to to me before I left. At first, my heart stopped, worried that I'd somehow mess it all up before I really got the chance to fix it. But just as quickly as those thoughts appeared, they were replaced by a paternal instinct that allowed me to take her in my arms and pull her close.

I tried my best to hide my surprise when she leaned her head into my shoulder. "Are you alright, Elsie?"

"I had a bad dream," she whispered. I only held her closer, knowing how helpless and terrifying they could be when you're least expecting them to happen. "Usually I wake up Mommy, but she was sleeping and she hardly sleeps. I didn't want to wake her."

It wasn't the point of what she said and I knew it, but I could only focus on the fact that she'd come to me instead of Rose. Ironically, her words warned my heart even if the bigger part of me told me that they shouldn't. Still, after all the time that had passed and after I'd missed so much, she chose to seek me out for comfort rather than waking the only other person she had while I was away. That, I thought, was worth something.

I felt so far from the parent I used to be, but I remembered what Rose had done during our first interaction. Gingerly, I lifted my hand to stroke her hair. "That's okay," I said, trying to figure out what I should tell her without scaring her. "I have bad dreams sometimes too."

Ellie looked up at me, and I found her light eyes in the darkness, "Really?"

"Yeah," I nodded, now running my fingers through her hair. "Mommy used to have them too." After Titanic, nightmares were no stranger to Rose. Multiple nights a week she'd wake up, petrified that the unthinkable had happened, still half convinced I was gone even as I lit a candle and assured her that everything was alright. "It's okay to have bad dreams, even if they are a bit scary."

"What do you do when you have bad dreams?"

"Well," I started. "I count to ten, think about each of my senses - touch, sight," I listed a few, not entirely sure how advanced her vocabulary was. "And then breathe in and out slowly until I calm down." I gave her a second to ask a question, but she didn't. "And when Mommy had bad dreams, I used to take care of her too."

That prompted her. I imagined, although it could have just been me, that she saw Rose as an almost invisible structure not prone to fear. I felt the same sometimes. "Take care of her how?" she asked.

"I'll show you." I gently set her on her feet, before standing up and finding a candle. I found Ellie's hand after, leading her to the couch. "Come here," I invited her onto my lap, lifting and cradling her when she accepted the offer. She was far bigger than she was when I used to cradle her as a toddler, almost too big to have it done at all, but I didn't mind. "Close your eyes," I didn't continue until she did. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head, "I won't let any bad dreams come, I promise."

"You promise?" She sounded drowsy, and I felt her lean into me further.

"I promise."

Again, I waited for a response that never came. When she went limp in my grasp, her head falling back, I knew she was asleep.

I stayed put all night, not daring to fall asleep or move an inch, both out of fear of waking her from one of my nightmares and out of the worry of the moment inevitably coming to an end. It was peaceful, relaxing in a way that I missed more than I could've ever imagined. Before I knew it, the sun had come up, and I was still watching Ellie's face, admiring every aspect of it that I didn't have the opportunity to take in in the dark.

After hours of holding her in the quiet of the morning, a floorboard creaked behind me. I fought the urge to jump at the sound, and was relieved that it was only Rose. She smiled at me, obviously having been watching the moment for who knows how long. I returned the gesture, giving her my own crooked smile, and for a moment I was able to pretend I'd never left. Like this was something typical that happened every morning.

When she spoke, I was reminded just how far from reality that idea was, "What happened?"

I cleared my throat, "She had a nightmare. I was up, and she found me."

"Why were you up?" Rose asked, raising her eyebrows, looking at me with that knowing look she so often had.

"Couldn't sleep."

By the way she looked at me, I could tell she knew that wasn't the reason for my being up. I was hoping she'd just drop it, and luckily, she did.

I quickly pounced on the opportunity to change the subject, "Did you sleep alright?"

"Yes, I did." She paused, batting her eyes downward, "I would've slept better with you next to me."

Immediate guilt bit at me. I too would've felt better beside her, but we both knew it wasn't right for me to kick Ellie out after she'd made it such a habit, and whether I wanted to admit it or not, I was immensely worried about scaring either one of them with my nightmares. "I know," I whispered. "I'll be back there soon." She didn't say anything, but my words got her to look up, and I could tell that she was biting back another comment, "What is it?"

"Hmm?"

"I know what your face looks like when you want to ask me something." She smiled awkwardly, and I assumed she was remembering just how good I was at knowing what was on her mind; how well I knew her still. "Just ask."

Rose closed the gap that was separating us, sitting beside me on the couch. She bit her lip, before her eyes met mine, "Before you left… We used to sleep in the same bed, and Ellie could fit right between us. She still could, really…" She let out a breath, "I guess I'm just wondering what changed."

Another wave of guilt flooded over me as I realized that Rose was racking her brain trying to figure out if she did something wrong. "That's just it," I whispered. "Everything has changed. I still love you just as much as I did before, I know that for sure. I just… I can't pretend that things with Ellie are the same, where I can just wrap my arms around her and smother her in kisses and sleep next to her without her feeling the least bit uncomfortable. Because that's just not the way it is anymore." Rose looked away, trying to hide her tears from me. I untucked one of my arms from under Ellie, reaching out to her, "Look, one day, things with Ellie will be normal, and maybe this is the first step to that." I looked down at the girl sleeping in my arms. "But that's not today, and that's not right now."

Rose looked out the window, tears still in her eyes. Only now, one trickled down her cheek. I let out a sigh, "Rose-"

"I need some air."

All I could do was watch her go. Seeing her so broken, so far from the Rose I once knew, hurt me more than anything else I'd ever done. Because deep down, I knew that I was the one who'd hurt her so bad that the old her had disappeared. The one who'd left her behind and forced her to change, and the one who was now forcing her to watch Ellie change. To have me come home, only to find that I changed too.

I used to think that me coming home would solve all my problems. On the days that were hardest, I would imagine coming back to Rose and our daughter, holding them both as I relished the fact that I'd been given another shot at life with them. The thought of them alone was enough to stop my worrying if only for a second, to calm me down and help me focus, to help me fall asleep when the last thing I wanted to do was close my eyes.

And now that it finally came true, now that I was finally back home, all I wished was that I could go back to when my wishing came from far away. Because at least back then, Rose and I both had a hope that was no longer lingering in the air.

I was able to envision the perfect reality, a reality of which we weren't living in.