Chapter 4

The week after Jack's reunion had gone the best it could've given our circumstances. He was still desperately searching for any ounce of drawing inspiration, and I was encouraging him as much as possible on the matter.

Ellie wanted to help him too, only she didn't know how. I wasn't entirely sure myself, but she was practically clueless. So, she sat beside him, a coloring book laying against the table, legs criss crossed. Jack was beside her, portfolio taken apart and sprawled out across the surface's remaining length.

I watched them from across the room. Ellie was happily coloring away, not a worry in the world, while Jack looked to be doing the exact opposite. His eyebrows were knitted in the way they got when he was frustrated, and he was gripping his charcoal so hard I swore it'd snap in half.

When the phone began to ring, I tried to hide my inner relief. He got up to pick it up, leaving his work abandoned. He was driving himself mad with his lack of drawing. He wanted to so badly that it was almost hurting him, but he also didn't want to, which was evident by his lack of motivation.

Jack picked up the phone, "Hello." A pause, followed by, "Yes, this is he." He licked his lips, listening intently to the person on the other side. "Yes… yes… that would be great. Thank you, sir."

The moment he hung up, I was on his case. "Well? Who was it?"

He turned to me, smiling, "That was my boss. He's giving me my old job back." He sounded like he almost didn't believe what he was saying. And after the year he'd had, I understood why.

"That's great, darling! I'm so happy for you." I got up from my spot on the couch, crossing the room and embracing him. He quickly fell into my grip, wrapping his arms around my waist. At least when he was working, he wouldn't be able to worry himself mad with his drawing.

The look on Jack's face was undeniably relaxing by the second, transforming into a repose of sorts. I knew that he was desperate to get back into the swing of a normal life. All he wanted to do was be able to care for Ellie and me - which of course he could do from home, but he felt a lot better doing it at work. Just like him, I was eager to try and get things back to the way they were.

Later that afternoon I was busy making lunch. Jack wasn't the only one who needed something to do during the day. As my hands moved and my mind raced while I worked to prepare a meal, I found that it put my mind at a certain ease. It was distracting, but also enjoyable.

Almost as if he knew I were thinking of him, I felt Jack's protective arms wrap around my waist. Next, his head rested on my shoulder. He hadn't done that in so long that it was almost foreign to me, though not in a bad way. I missed it. "Hi," I whispered, smiling even though he couldn't see it. He just made me feel giddy.

"Hey," he whispered back, kissing my neck. Instant butterflies swarmed throughout my body, and it was moments like that where I was reminded how young and new our love still felt at times. "Why don't we take lunch to the park, make a picnic? It's been a while since we've done that."

I turned myself in his arms. "Yes, it has," my arms wrapped around his neck. "You're sure you want to? There will probably be people who want to talk to you, ask how you're doing."

"I know how to talk to people, Rose." To get his point across, he rolled his eyes in mock annoyance.

I let out an exasperated chuckle, "I know you do, Jack." I paused, trying to gather up my words before speaking. "You know I'm just trying to look out for you. The last thing I want is for you to be triggered by someone or something and for you to lose all the progress you've made since you returned."

Jack kissed my cheek, "I love you for worrying about me, but I'll be alright." I was worried for him, but not just him. Also for Ellie, who was growing closer to him by the day. And, even if it seemed selfish, I was worried for myself as well. I didn't think I could stand to lose any part of him all over again. He couldn't either.

Nevertheless, I agreed, and left Jack to pack up the lunch while I got Ellie ready. It felt almost natural in a way I forgot simple chores could feel. If I tried hard enough, I could imagine that things had always been this way. That the war had never happened and family picnics were a thing of habit.

Once we were packed and ready to go, I ushered Ellie out of the front door. I had our lunch in one hand, while Jack grabbed hold of Ellie's hand with his. When the other slipped into my free hand, I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my face, or the butterflies that once again began to swarm.

I was surprised when we showed up at the park and found it relatively empty. Usually attendance was fairly high, especially during the weekends. I laid down the blanket, readying to unpack the lunch, when Ellie asked to run off and play with a little girl a few yards away from us. We agreed to it, telling her to stay within sight.

"Don't go too far, Ellie!" I reminded her, watching her blonde pigtails bob as she skipped away.

Almost the second she was gone, Jack's hand reached out to take mine once more. "I missed this," he whispered. "I missed everything, the things I took for granted like being woken up by Ellie, holding your hand… all of it."

"I know. I missed you too." I leaned against him. "It's just wonderful that you're home, darling. Ellie's warming up to you again, you seem to be doing better…" I didn't know for sure. He seemed like he was improving to me, though perhaps he'd just become better at hiding it. I shook the idea away before it could manifest further.

"I'm so glad I'm home," his voice was still in the same quiet tone. He kissed the top of my head, "Things have been on pause for way too long now. But we can unpause, we can continue with our lives." I looked up at him, finding that he was smiling into the distance. "We can travel, we can have a bunch of babies, we can buy a bigger house-"

"Woah, woah, slow down," I chuckled nervously. "We've got a lot of time for that. You're still healing, Jack. You need to focus on that, even though you want other things." I went through his list again in my head, realizing what he'd just said, "You want more children?"

I felt him nod. "Yeah, if you want." I couldn't see him, but I could picture the smile stuck on his face. "I think Ellie needs a brother or sister. I was an only child, and as much as I loved my parents, I was lonely a lot of the time. I'm sure it was the same for you."

This time, I nodded. "I was." I pondered over it for a few seconds, knowing that he was right. Before he left, we'd talked about having more children, but when he was drafted it became the last thing on either of our minds. It seemed possible now, but not as soon as he seemingly thought. "I want that too, Jack. It's just-"

"I know it's soon. And we're in no rush. It's just…" He reached down to cup my cheek, "I've seen life with you and life without you, and I want to make the best out of our lives together. Whatever you want, we'll do."

"Alright," I agreed, trying to hide the apprehension in my voice. I was once again wishing for the old Jack. I wanted him back desperately. I knew he didn't leave on his own accord and never would have. I'd love him no matter what, I'd love him for a lifetime and beyond. But I missed the carefree, youthful Jack that he used to be…

Standing foot in our new home, in a new state, with a new life, I felt more free than I ever had exploring the country with Jack. It was exciting and enthralling in a way that nothing else had been. Though our time of travel and heading into the horizon hadn't been as long as I'd expected it to be, I was overjoyed at the thought of grounding ourselves and having a place to call our own.

Life with exploration and unique experiences was something I'd never forget in a lifetime, but it also took a lot out of me. And with the baby coming by early October, I needed a little less of that high in my life.

The house that Jack and I saved up to buy was perfect for us, and having Molly close by was an added plus.

With not much else to do but fill a desire to explore our new terrain, the two of us packed up our lunch and took it to a park we saw on our drive over. I watched as Jack laid down a picnic blanket, before he took my hand and helped me down. The grasp never faltered as we laid on our backs and gazed out into the summer sky.

"See that one?" Jack said, pointing to a cloud. "That one looks like a baby."

I propped myself up to look at him, "What babies have you seen? Because that does not look like a baby."

"I think it does," he shrugged, reaching out and touching my stomach. "Or maybe just every thought is occupied by babies, and now I'm seeing them everywhere."

Inwardly, I was smiling, but also terrified in every sense of the word. I knew Jack would be a good father, a great one actually, but I had no idea if I'd make a decent mother. What if I was horrible? What if I was exactly like my mother? Those thoughts were the most horrible to deal with. They never let me be.

"Your mind's spinning again," Jack stated. I was amazed he already knew without me having to say one word. "What's it saying now?"

"That I'll be just like my mother."

He chuckled, "Come on, that's ridiculous."

"Is it, Jack?" I sat all the way up. "My mother did love me, even if her way of showing it wasn't right. What if I'm the same way?" Jack always listened to me all the way through whatever I said. Even if he thought it was the most absurd thing he'd ever heard, he wouldn't interrupt. "I had a terrible mother. Maybe I'm not supposed to be one."

"Yes, you are," he smiled at me, sitting up as well. "You'll be amazing, Rose. I know you will be. Because you know what your mother did wrong? She never put you first. She could've remarried to pay off your family's debts, but instead she forced you to. She didn't care about your happiness if it came at the expense of her wealth." He put a gentle hand on the small of my back, "You're gonna be an amazing mother, Rose, for the same reason you're an amazing wife. You put the people you love first."

Tears were in my eyes as I looked back at him. "I just want this baby to have everything, you know?" Jack nodded. "There's nothing I won't do or give to be the best mother I can be, and make sure they know how loved they are."

"I know."

As I looked into his eyes, and his other free hand pressed upon my abdomen, I knew that he understood my issues, and would be there to talk me down whenever my mind got the best of me.

"So what's the big plan?" I asked. "A bigger house, more children… exactly how many more children are we having?"

"Well, as many as you want. You're the one actually having them," he chuckled. "But I was thinking two. A boy, and then another girl. That way, Ellie has a brother and a sister." I found myself smiling at the prospect of it all. I wasn't as opposed to it as I initially believed I was. "And I can try to find a better job-"

"A better job means you'll be around less. I don't care if you get a better job. I just want you with me."

"Oh, sweetheart. You'll always have me with you."

…

The next few hours came and went, and before I knew it, it was time for bed. The three of us were laughing at something when I happened to look at the time, reluctantly looking over to Ellie. I knew it was time for her to go to bed, but she so enjoyed her time with Jack and I that it broke my heart time and time again.

"Oh wow, it's late. Ellie, it's time for bed, darling." Ellie turned her head to me, already putting on her best pleading look.

Knowing the look all too well, Jack stepped in, "I should probably go to bed too. I've got work tomorrow."

"I don't wanna go to bed," she whined, and I couldn't hide my look of exasperation.

"Come, I'll take you up," I said. We retreated upstairs, and I ushered her along so I could take a moment to speak with Jack. "Goodnight," I whispered, looking up at him.

"Goodnight," he said back. He pulled me in for a kiss, his hand tangling through the locks of my hair in the process. I smile into it, my own hands also finding their way through the silkiness of his hair.

When we separate and I'm back with Ellie, all I can think of is Jack. It seems that I'm not the only one, as a little voice pipes up. "Mommy, why doesn't Daddy sleep with you? Why is he in my room?"

I moved closer to her and wrapped an arm around her tiny frame. "Things are complicated right now, darling. He's been gone for a while, and we're slowly trying to make things go back to the way they used to be. It'll take time, that's all."

Ellie let out a soft sigh, "I missed him."

A smile spread across my lips, "I know you did. I did too." My hand went to her cheek, "But he's back now, and he's never leaving again."

She only nodded back at me before laying down, attempting to sleep. It never took her long, not if I was by her side. I kept sitting upright until I was sure she was out. Once she was, I leaned down a bit to study her face. It was so innocent, so pure and untouched by the horrors of the world. I never wanted that innocence to falter or fail her, but it seemed that for a girl of only five, the world was already determined to make that happen.

Before I let my mind slip deeper into thoughts I'd rather not think about, I decided to get up and make my way to the kitchen. I was fairly parched, and wouldn't be able to sleep until my head was cleared and my thirst was quenched.

Nothing but the sound of my footsteps accompanied me to the kitchen. The floorboards were rather creaky near the end of the staircase, so I tried my best to make as little noise as possible. Just as I made it to the kitchen, a voice cut into my silence, "Rose."

I jumped further than I intended to, nearly feeling like I'd hopped right out of my own skin. Despite him being home now, I was still not quite used to having another adult presence around the house. "Christ, Jack," I placed a hand to my chest, panting and attempting to catch my breath before speaking again. Once I was able to calm myself, I looked at him questioningly. "What are you doing up?"

He shrugged, "I'm just not tired yet."

Abandoning my quest for water, I walked over to the couch and sat beside him, "You sure that's all it is? Is there something bothering you?"

"No," he reached out for my hand, taking it. "I just feel like we've wasted so much time, what with me being gone and now… this."

"Jack… these things take time." He looked down and nodded. "You've always had a habit of pushing through when things are hard. You did it after Titanic, when you insisted on getting a job when you were still ill; you did it when I was pregnant with Ellie, when we were worried about where we would live and finding a house. Now you're doing it with this. But Jack this isn't like the other times, where the problem could be fixed with extra shifts at work or a bit more money. You went through something, something I can't even begin to understand. I went through something too, I suppose, and now we have to figure out how to bring our lives back together and find some sort of new normal. That takes time."

"I know," he replied, still not looking up.

"But if you want things to progress, if you want to be able to move on, you have to talk to me. We didn't have secrets from each other before this, let's not start now."

"You know when I don't tell you things it's not that I'm trying to lie. It's that I don't want to hurt you, or whatever it is is just too hard to talk about."

"I know," I touched his hand in a nurturing motherly way, like how I would with Ellie if she was feeling upset or got hurt. It caused him to look back up at me. "Believe me, Jack, I know that. But you don't need to be afraid of hurting me. I'm a grown woman, I'm your wife, I can handle whatever it is that you're thinking."

"I promise, I'll tell you everything," he squeezed my hand. "I want to move on from this, I really do."

"I know. I do too." I gave him a sad smile, leaning in and pulling him into a warm embrace. He returned it, the squeeze he'd been giving to my hand now wrapping around my frame. We stayed like that for a while, letting the gesture say all the words our mouths could no longer form.