AN: Hey guys, here's the next chapter finally. University has been hammering me recently, still of course I'll be updating this story as I can. Infact the next chapter is already in the works. Anyways hope you enjoy this Asuka focused chapter had fun writing her character.
Chapter 6: Guilt and Transcendence
Heart pounding, feet digging into the earth:- a race to catch a falling star of doom.
Asuka's breath hitched within her throat and, gripping the control yokes, she kneeled near to the ground. The sprint of their salvation was soon to begin.
Then they ran. They ran with the wind, ran with the force of a thousand hurricanes. The sky was falling down upon them, and like the titan Atlas they had to hold it aloft.
Leaping over rivers in single strides, and with earth flying around as her Eva's feet raced through evacuated suburbs, she was almost oblivious to the snapping powerlines and crunching concrete rows as she sprinted forward to the crash zone.
The Angel would soon be upon them, but still she ran, the sympathetic feelings of her Evangelion's lungs burned at hers. Yet she pushed on and on and on - she had to prove she was the best, to push herself beyond the rest. She needed this test, needed to see if she had the mettle to kill the monster that had wronged her.
Images of tears and the humiliation of begging for her life still stung at her core. She hated it, but hated herself more that she'd been so weak, so frail, so small.
The grey of the city gave way to the green of trees and hills around. Living earth beneath titan's feet, racing against the clock to catch a falling star.
"It's changed course, we can't reach it in time!"
Cursing the change of plans, she turned on a dime, sliding through dirt and rock as if it were butter. She'd never reach it in time, but Shinji could.
Was it always like this - to be shown up by that idiot and Wunder-girl? He was her friend, and she knew she shouldn't be so cold, but Asuka hated how it nevertheless made her feel small. Falling to the wayside like unwanted excess - did he really need her anymore?
So she would fight on. That was all she could do, all she needed for her revenge on that Monster - no matter who stood in her way. It wouldn't matter then if nobody really cared, if nobody really wanted her… she'd have her prize, she'd make Mamma proud, that's what really mattered.
She could see it now: a flower unfurling from the heavens, a God raining Armageddon from the skies. Multi-coloured, multi-layered, and hypnotic in quality with its singular eye becoming visible at its core. An all-seeing eye plunging the world into darkness. A darkness that only Eva could fight, that she could fight - a Monster like the rest.
And their job was to catch this falling god. What was Misato thinking ?
Dojo in outskirts of Tokyo-3
'What was Misato thinking, pairing me up with Wundergirl?' Asuka's breath puffed in and out, the flames of her disdain becoming obvious. 'Trying to teach this know-it-all brick wall, makes me want to ram my head against one!'
"Is something wrong, Pilot-Soryu?"
"No! … nothing is wrong!" her words hissed through bared teeth. "Let's run this from the top again. And stop holding back - it's making me look like a terrible teacher!"
Asuka took her stance. With her quarterstaff in hand, and hertoes gripping into the mat, she was primed for the sparring match ahead.
"I appear to have a difficulty with fighting against fellow pilots. You seem to attack Ikari often - is there some technique I could learn?" Rei stood opposite Asuka's aggressive offensive stance with a calm guard.
"What are you, stupid!? That Idiot just pisses me off, so he needs a whack over the head to keep him in line!" Asuka snarled. She deliberately ignored the internal part of her that told her she'd much rather be beating him into a pulp right now than dealing with a doll.
Rei began to inch closer, taking a few cautious steps, "So, anger is key to your style of fighting. Was that what helped when fighting Gojira?"
Asuka launched forward at the Monster's name, first striking down and then swiftly to the side. Rei barely managed to parry aside the incoming attacks.
"Of course it is! You can't win against Angels, against that – thing - without getting angry! Not like that an emotionless doll like you would have any idea about feeling anything!"
Rei's lips tipped downwards into, for what seemed to be the first time, a glare. Asuka liked that reaction, liked that she finally got a rise out the Doll. In fact, she loved the taste of Wundergirl's glare.
"What, did I hit a nerve?" Asuka teased, before landing a blow to Rei's leg that knocked the other girl to the floor. "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to get angry - maybe then Shinji might actually like a doll like you."
Asuka knew she was pushing it too much, but she didn't care - didn't care if she was being cruel or causing wounds that may not be able to be healed.
Rei got her feet once again, brushing down her sparring clothes as she did. "I won't hold back now."
"Good, this might get interesting -
Asuka didn't notice the strike. She only barely stopped it an inch from her neck.
"First point."
Asuka growled and pushed aside the weapon as she raced forward with a flurry of high-octane attacks, each blocked or parried by Rei with ease. 'Where was this ten minutes ago?!'
Yet more followed as Rei retaliated with her own strike, which forced Asuka to narrowly parry one blow and duck underneath another. With one foot forward, Asuka jabbed towards Rei's chest, only stopping close enough to merely bruise.
"One to me, nice try before Doll."
Rei, while winded for a moment, returned to the spar with equal fury and something Asuka hadn't seen in the girl's eyes before – venom and steel.
The next point fell to Rei as she took a smooth swipe at Asuka's head. No rebuke was made by the redhead - instead she was overtaken by a mad haze of anger. Using her full-strength, Asuka wanted to knock the Doll down a few pegs, and perhaps knock a few teeth loose. Wundergirl wasn't going to beat her, the great Asuka Langley Soryu, at anything!, She was the best!
She had to be!
But her strike never landed. Blinded in her vitriolic haze, Asuka never saw Rei swing with precision, knocking Asuka's legs from out beneath her. Asuka barely registered that she was hurtling to the floor, and only came into full consciousness as she lay winded and bruised from the impact.
"I am not a doll!" Rei yelled. The raised voice stunned both of them, and they both became keenly aware of the eyes of Misato and Shinji, who were practicing not far away, on them.
Rei looked to the quarterstaff in her hand and back to Asuka. The steel in her eyes softened and bent into a twisted shape.
"I… I made a mistake; I'll take my leave Major Katsuragi."
Without a word more, Rei left the dojo. The sun was pouring in from the open doors, her breath catching the dust particles in the air that were illuminated by the sun. Then she was gone.
Class 2-A
She hated this. She hated every last bit of it – Asuka hated having a conscience. It made things so complicated! It was so much easier to push people around because they didn't matter to her, because why should they matter to her? She was Asuka Langley Soryu - pilot of EVA Unit-02 and she was above them!
… Right?
Asuka hated it. She hated seeing the empty chair in class of that blue haired girl. With no tangible person to vent her frustration to - 'Aside from the idiot, but that didn't help this feeling either.' – Asuka was left to stew on the ugly feelings in her belly. Rei was absent from class for the rest of the week, something to do with 'Medical tests' from the blonde witch doctor Akagi.
She hated the sinking, stinging feeling in her guts that made even the tasty morsels of the Bento box Shinji made turn to ash in her mouth.
'Verdammnt brain, making me feel bad over a dumb Do- girl,' Asuka couldn't even say the insult to herself anymore, lest it open a maelstrom of guilt.
'I did this to myself, I deserve it – why do I always have to push people away?'
"You okay Asuka?" Hikari asked, her voice becoming a welcome reprieve from the torrents of emotions.
"You've been glaring at Rei's seat all lunch – not to mention you haven't been listening to me this whole time, have you?" she added.
"Wundergirl just pisses me off. I hate it," Asuka grouched, gesturing at the empty seat. "She's just doing whatever she's told. Like she always does. A good little perfect wind-up doll to everyone else's wishes."
Hikari hesitated to respond to Asuka's assertion. "Well... that's not strictly true. She's asked me for group assignments. I think it was important to her to start working with other people, because I haven't seen her take over the groups, I give her. She's never put her name first, and she's never turned them in personally."
Asuka turned her head so the look of doubt wouldn't be shown to Hikari. "She's just showing off her stupid modesty."
"Perhaps, or she's just trying to do the best she can. Just like everyone else. Don't you think you're being too harsh on her and Shinji sometimes?" Hikari replied, poking the edges of Asuka's dress, causing the mixed girl to huff and pull the skirt back out of reach of the offending digits.
"I'm nothing like them Hikari – especially not her… she's so – "
"Full of herself? Cold? Arrogant?" Hikari offered.
"Exactly! She needs to know her place and stop being so upset over such trivial things!" Asuka decried, her hands becoming more animated.
"Hmm, kind of reminds me of someone," Hikari added, chuckling to herself. Asuka snapped her attention to her friend.
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean! You can't put me in the same boat as her!"
Hikari sighed, and took a bite out her lunch. She chewed fully and deliberately, leaving Asuka brimming with impatience before continuing. "Asuka, you're both Eva pilots, so it's hard not to place you two together in some ways. I also don't think it's very nice of you to upset her like that - I know you two aren't friends and all, but she hasn't done anything to you, has she?"
Asuka's eyes darted around to avoid meeting the class rep's authoritative stare. 'She's giving me The Look! No, I must resist!' she steeled herself not going down so easy.
"It's not my fault! It just gets so boring here with no Angels to fight, no Mo – Monsters to kill. I just sit around at Nerv and do sync tests all day; I hate it! So what I get a little angry? I've got nothing to do now and even The Idiot barely talks to me now that I upset his precious Do- … Rei."
Asuka's mood deflated, her anger seeping out as what was left was that sinking feeling of guilt once again.
"Asuka, what you need to do is give Rei an apology," Hikari resolved.
"No."
"Yes, you will, you'll feel better for it."
"I don't apologise to anyone Hikari, let alone her! ... No, don't you give me that stare, that's not fair!"
Hikari's dagger-like glares, sharper than blades of obsidian jabbed at Asuka's defences, despite her attempts to upholding her ego.
"Asuka, as your friend, I'm telling you to go apologise to Rei."
"But she's not even here though!" Asuka protested.
"Then you go to her house and give her an apology. If you don't you'll just going to get more and more upset about this, and I don't like to see my friends upset, okay?" Hikari shot back.
Asuka paused, thinking over her options, hesitant to make any move. "Fine! But then no more of this 'try to be nicer' crap - it pisses me off."
"Deal. And while you're at, can you also give her the worksheets for the week?" Hikari replied, looking back to her food like nothing had happened. Asuka sank back into her chair and glowered some more at the empty space.
'I hate having a conscience.'
Outside of Rei's apartment
Dilapidated, derelict, run down, and crumbling.
'How could Rei live here?' Asuka questioned. Her mind tried comparing the image of the girl in her head - the perfect features, the marionette pulled by outside strings, the Commander's perfect pilot – with the ruins in front of her.
But now, as Asuka continued forward amongst the rows of monotonous grey monoliths of buildings, that image of Rei began to crack and crumble. On one hand she could justify the contradiction with the idea that the Japanese would put up with such conditions, or perhaps that this was only temporary housing. But maybe, just maybe, the world didn't care for Rei, just like how it didn't care for her either.
'Maybe it was better on the inside?'
It was a flimsy argument, based on flimsy foundations.. The building was half abandoned, and the other half whirred with the nauseating sounds of construction. Or, more likely, demolition.
With class notes in hand, she reached the overstuffed mailbox outside of Rei's apartment. It was packed to the brim, and reminded her of the packed trains in the city and the sensation of suffocation inside them.
'This won't do, she'll never see the worksheets or my… note.' Asuka was half-tempted to shove it in there like the rest and pretend that at all was well.
'But then I'd be just running away from things, just like that Idiot!'
She knocked twice… no answer.
She knocked thrice, but no response came.
"So, I came all this way to this half-broken excuse of a building and she's out! What does this girl even have to do, she's certainly not the social type!" Asuka grumbled to herself, banging on the door in frustration. But what Asuka didn't expect was how the door swung open to greet her.
'It was unlocked?'
"What idiot leaves their apartment unlocked! Even one like… this." Her annoyance faded as she started to get a good look at the place.
Rubbish was strewn around haphazardly, and the floors that hadn't seen a drop of soapy embrace in what looked to be a century. She could still hear the loudness of the demolition happening around her.
"Disgusting."
Taking a cautious step, Asuka was confronted with the greyness of it all, something she had felt even before stepping over the threshold. A colourless, lifeless place, devoid of warmth or comfort. Grey upon grey, shown up by the dull tones of a mini fridge, the sterile white of unkempt bedsheets, with only the muted brown of a wooden drawer as evidence of any life at all.
But as she drew closer, she could see it wasn't the only striking thing - blood, bandages, pills, and medical implements. Red - vibrant against the grey dullness of it all, red stains on her pillow - blood-stained bandages all about.
'The only sign of life is the sign of pain and of death.'
'Even the mould and grime on the walls seemed more alive.'
She was disgusted, not that it was in such a state of filth, but because nothing lived there. Nothing - except Rei.
Why did she live in such a spartan home, which even made Asuka's own lacklustre accommodation seem like a five-star hotel? Why didn't she ever complain?
Her words from the day they killed the spider angel came flooding back.
'I don't act superior, and I'm not treated any better… I know that for sure.'
The door closed behind Asuka, creaking like the old thing it was. Then suddenly, amongst the glum grey, blue broke the dullness. The lifeless space had a life after all. Seemingly cold like the moon, but gentle in its gaze-
"Why are you in here, Pilot Soryu?"
Asuka's watchful stupor, the stillness of rabid contemplation, was done. The jig was up, and her cheeks now matched the fire of her hair.
"I- uh- um… oh, that's right! Hikari asked me to give you the class notes for the week, since you've been away - you wouldn't have seen it in that mess heap you call a mailbox! Like seriously, what kind of idiot doesn't even touch their mail? And what's more, have you heard of a mop? Look at this pigsty it's disgusting!"
"I see… I'll take that into consideration," Rei replied calmly. She walked past to place her bag on the bed.
"I'll -uh go then I guess… Goodbye," Asuka added starting to shuffle off. Before making it out however, she stopped, hand on the door handle. The handwritten note was weighing heavily in her pocket.
"Wait- I – I wanted to clear some stuff up about last time we spoke. I wrote it down… here," Asuka paused, and placed the note on floor in front of her. Asuka looked up for a moment, and then, without a word, left Rei to her own devices.
Several moments passed, creeping onwards like the slow heartbeat of an Eva, before Rei had taken up the note up from the floor. It was a letter of crudely written, but admittedly perfectly legible Kanji. It read:
'I don't want to be misheard about this. Words hurt, I hurt people with words a lot. I don't like that really, but it's hard to change. You're good Rei, you're not a doll, I just don't like you sometimes. Well, a lot of times, but that's ok, I'm going to try to be nicer, Hikari would be proud, so would Shinji. Don't take what I say so seriously though, I'm the angry one not you!
Asuka.'
Rei thought back to the feelings of anger she had. The rising heat, how she had balled her fists and clenched every fibre of her being, screaming for vengeance. That was quickly overcome by the shame.
Dying embers, fuelling nothing but a feeling not of her own.
'I don't like being angry, I don't like hurting others. It isn't me; anger isn't the me I know. Yet, it is a part of me. I feel better now though, I feel relieved and warm inside.'
"Her kanji is getting better."
A small smile graced her lips, tugging as she read through the note one more time. She had never received a note like this - something written just for her, for her eyes only. It was her own, given to her by another. She looked to the side in her wardrobe and glimpsed the clothes given to her own a 'permanent loan,' as Asuka had put it.
More tokens of life in a grey world. Colour and warmth in the dimness of the twilight grey.
She could feel it: the pressure, the weight of the world, the weight of the Angel all around her. A tightening of the air as it hovered - or more accurately was held by Unit-01, by Shinji. His arms stretched out in a deadly embrace with it.
She had only managed to glimpse it from a distance as she neared what was now a shadow land between godly forces, lapped by the waves of light that ran across the amber hues of Shinji's AT-Field. There he was on the hill, the Idiot Boy, his hands pressed up to the field, palms holding the sky, holding it against the world as if he was Atlas reborn.
"I'm almost there Shinji!" Asuka called out, but her words were cut short by the sight of the Angel revealing something new of itself.
First came arms, elongated and bony. Dripping down like a black tear from the pupil of the falling star.
They grasped where Unit-01's hands pushed against the AT-Field, and then passed through, unphased by the two fighting forces -like a ghost phasing through a wall.
But unlike a porous spectre, these long shadowy fingers constricted like snakes around Shinji's hands, snapping them with a resounding crack and scream. Pierced through; crucified to the altar of the fallen god.
No one was going to hurt Shinji like that! Not after he saved her, time and time again. Not when she had silent debt of gratitude to pay. Not when her friend's life was on the line!
Rei reached Shinji first, and slashed forward with tremendous speed to neutralise the AT-Field surrounding the shadowy form. Yet even sliced open the Angel resisted, pushing further against Shinji. His Eva's arms bled as they nearly burst from the strain, but his will remained the same.
Rei couldn't keep it open with one hand. Prying the folds of the near invisible barrier open like a large can of tuna, yet fighting against the Angel's mad defence against Unit-00's proved to be impossible for the embattled Eva. Unit-00's blade continued to slash and bleed anyway as the cycloid Eva was constricted by the AT-field.
"Asuka hurry – I can't hold on much longer!"
The core was in sight, wrapped deep within the shadowy body of pupil form. Hidden well, but not well enough for her. Screaming, she leaped upwards, and she stabbed the knife between the form's back, piercing the red hidden core.
The Fallen God was felled, and a river of blood flowed in its stead, washing away their pain and exhaustion as their Eva's were painted all red. The hill was now a lake filled with the Angel's blood. The death cross of the fallen Angel lit up the sky, towering over the blood sea, a monument to their success…
"I've received the report. Good work, Shinji," she heard the commander say in the comms.
Praise… praise from family. It was something she also craved but found she couldn't reach. Not that she wanted the commander's praise specifically. But someone's adoration… maybe Shinji's? It was only thing she really focused on as the adrenaline calmed and the world became heavy and tiring.
She thought about what Rei might be thinking, seeing her Commander give someone else attention, but she couldn't place it in her mind. Rei wasn't like she thought, and neither was Shinji – both were more than she believed them to be. Could she let them in?
'No… but that doesn't matter right now. I said I was going to be nice, so I will try my best.' Maybe trying her best would be enough…
Ramen stand, later that day.
"-And Miss Perfect over here said she'd join us if it was for ramen," Asuka explained to Misato, before ordering her shark-fin soup and pork ramen from the hapless guy behind the counter. "And make it large, okay!" she added, with a hungry smile.
"I'll have a garlic ramen, no pork please," Rei said, taking a sidelong look at Asuka as if something was on the edge of her tongue.
"Say, Misato?" Shinji interjected; blissfully unaware he had just derailed Asuka's inquisition against Rei's verbal reticence.
"Hmmm?" Misato asked, pausing her survey of the Ramen options.
"When I heard my father's words earlier, I think I finally understood what it's like to feel happy when you're praised. And I also realized that maybe I pilot the Eva because I wanted to hear those words from him."
Misato's eyes darted away but Asuka couldn't quite tell why. Regardless of Misato's reaction, the Idiot's reasons were stupid. 'Think bigger Shinji - is that your grand purpose for getting in Eva now?!'
"You're piloting for something like that?"
Shinji's dumb smile answered for her.
"You really are an idiot… but you're a good idiot at least," Asuka replied, her usual taunt lacking teeth – something assisted by the fact that her attention was drawn by the arrival of the ramen.
Asuka's eyes drifted back to her now-served ramen and to Rei next to her. Wundergirl, yes - but not a doll. Never a doll.
"How's the ramen taste Rei? I bet you don't have good food like this often!"
"Good."
"Seriously?! That's all you have to say?" Asuka sighed, frustration starting to build once again despite her best efforts. Twiddling around her chopsticks, she waited for a response.
"It tastes very much like garlic ramen, as I requested, so it is good," Rei added reluctantly, as if speaking a syllable was a dangerous move.
"I suppose you wouldn't complain if you didn't like it, even if it was bad," Asuka reasoned, slurping up a noodle messily.
"It is more than sufficient for my standards, Pilot Soryu."
"What about that mess you call a room - is that sufficient as well?" Asuka pried.
"Don't be mean Asuka. Your room isn't exactly the pinnacle of cleanliness either," Misato interjected, mouth half full of Ramen.
"You're one to talk! I hear Shinji had to clean your flat top to bottom of beer cans before he could even move in!"
"That's not true! Well not entirely, but that's not the point! What's so bad about Rei's place anyways? Shinji went there a while back did say a word about it."
The boy himself blushed and stammered something unintelligible out.
"Shinji's visit was short and… uneventful. I don't think he really noted much," Rei added softly. Asuka could see from Shinji's face something had indeed happened, but that was an investigation Inspector Soryu could do another day.
"The building is a mess, honestly; I'm surprised the whole block isn't due for demolition!" Asuka exclaimed, before shoving more food in her mouth – she was still starving after all.
"There are buildings close by that are being demolished, actually," Rei explained.
"See! I don't get Nerv standards at all especially when we're saving the world every over week. Mouldy walls, crumbling concrete, and with barely a box of an apartment to live in! It's a stain on us pilots if even the weakest link must live in poverty!"
Asuka's protests didn't seem to convince Misato, who continued to look at her with sceptical eyes, while also slurping up stands of ramen. The conversations paused as each person at the stand slurped noodles or broth. Eventually, Misato finished her bite turning towards Shinji in her seat.
"Is this true?"
'Of course, Misato trusts Shinji more than me' Asuka thought, and bit down harder on a piece of meat much harder than she needed to.
"Yeah… I- uh was new so I didn't really want to make any trouble about it," Shinji looked to Rei and then Asuka as if looking for approval to his words.
Misato leaned back slightly in her seat, bringing up her bowl to drink up some of the left-over juices.
"I see. Well then. Rei, be honest with me - I don't want Nerv to seem like it's unfairly treating you. The mouldy walls and decaying buildings - if all this stuff true I can ask command if you could be transferred somewhere else?"
Rei seemed to mull on the question for a moment before answering.
"I was told recently that just because something is sufficient doesn't mean it's decent. I believe the same applies here.
"Dr Akagi and the Commander have always organised my living arrangements – I never questioned them. But I think now I will speak with the Commander when he arrives back. I don't believe my request would be unreasonable. Don't you agree?"
Misato nodded, the information about how Rei was raised becoming food for thought for all of them along with the food for their stomach's. Either way, Asuka felt glad. She gave Rei a small reassuring smile, one that she returned. That feeling she had before, the guilt, was gone.