Chapter 6

It was almost dinner time. Chizuru and Toshiko were the only ones in the kitchen. After cleaning the bathroom, Chizuru had decided to start cooking dinner already. On her way to the kitchen she bumped into Toshiko. The woman insisted on helping her. Chizuru wanted to say that she was fine on her own, but this was her chance to apologize to her. As the two stood next to each other, Chizuru tried to think of something to start a conversation.

"Chizuru-chan, I want to apologize for what I did this afternoon. I was so glad that the children could see, talk and play with their big brother that I said something painful to you."

"No, you don't need to apologize for that, Toshiko-san. I am the one who should say sorry. I ran away in the middle of our conversation and even though I saw you after that I didn't come up to have a proper talk."

"Don't worry about that, we are having a proper talk right now, so it's going to be alright."

"I'm really sorry."

Toshiko stepped closer and let her hand rest on Chizuru back. "You have the tendency to apologize a lot, Toshizou already told me to watch out for that." She laughed.

Chizuru smiled at hearing her crystal clear laughter fill the room. Why she had be so difficult some times was still unclear to her, but everyone here didn't mind.

"Chizuru-chan, it's good to see you being so lively again," Harada said as he leant against the doorpost of the kitchen.

Chizuru turned her head to look at the man. He had a big smile on his face. "Harada-san."

"You had a good talk with Toshiko-san?"

"Yes." She didn't know it was that obvious she wasn't feeling all too well. Everyone had been worried about her.

"Chizuru-chan, stop daydreaming."

"Eh?"

"You know, it's not a bad thing to not be happy all the time."

Chizuru nodded slowly. "A lot of people have been telling me that the last few days. I'm sorry for making everyone worry."

"There you go again," Toshiko said while brushing with her hand through Chizuru's ponytail.

"Seems like your talk helped her a lot Toshiko-san."

"The only thing I do is making them realize their own feelings."

"Same goes for Heisuke."

Toshiko's smile grew even brighter. "He couldn't stop talking, it was quite funny how he said so much and a lot of things didn't make any sense to me. But it was a good conversation, I think most of it were his feelings which he can't talk about with you all."

"Oka-san?" Hijikata knocked softly on the door of his mothers bedroom.

"Yes."

"Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Yes, of course."

A few minutes later they were walking through the garden. It was a dark, but clear night. The moon and stars gave them enough light to see where they were walking.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Hijikata took his mothers hand and put it on his arm. Toshiko wrapped her fingers around him strongly and she rested her other hand on his lower arm.

"It may be too early to talk about this…"

"Too early? It's night Toshizou," she laughed.

"Too early since our reunion."

Toshiko's smile slowly faded away. She could guess what it was about he wanted to talk about. "It is about Chizuru-chan, right?"

Hijikata nodded. "It feels weird to tell you this at my age."

"Toshizou, there is no such thing as 'my age', love comes and goes. It isn't bound to your age."

His mother was right. But it just felt childish to say it like: she confessed to me. "After you picked up Natsu, we had a serious talk. She told me her feelings and…"

"What did she say exactly?"

"That I am a special person to her. That she had been conscious of me."

"Conscious?"

"I don't really understand what she meant by it."

"It means that she sees you as a real man. You're not just someone who saved her and took care of her, you are the only one who gives her special treatment, even if you're not aware of it."

"She said she loves me."

Toshiko stopped walking and turned to face her son. "But that's great Toshizou," she exclaimed.

"I… I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"This life, being the vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, it isn't the best life to have to fall in love."

"Dear," Toshiko released her grip on his arm, "it isn't up to you to decide whether you want to love her or not. It just happens. And from what I can tell. Even though we've been here for only two days, is that you've already fallen for her."

"But-"

"Think about her."

"I am thinking about her. Every single day." He pushed his bangs out of his face, suddenly finding them irritating. "I am surely to die earlier than her. And I don't want her to belong to someone like me for the rest of her life." He intertwined his fingers at the back of his head, under the ponytail.

Toshiko could make out of his demeanor how stressful it had been for him to think about out it every day. "Have you thought about what she wants?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

"Well, not for you."

Hijikata let out a scoff and lowered his arms.

"She just wants to be together for now. She is not yet thinking about the future. If you are selfishly going to say that it is better for her to find another man, you will break her heart. She doesn't want anyone else."

"So, you're saying…"

"I'm not saying anything."

"Oka-san, please."

Toshiko resumed their walk, not waiting for het son to catch up. With a few large steps Hijikata was next to his mother again. He took hold of her hand and thought about everything she'd said out loud. "So, what you are trying to make me realize is that I need to focus on us right now. And I don't need to concern myself with our future just yet."

Toshiko stayed silent.

"I need to give her a life she wants to have, even if it's for a short period of time. But what kind of life does she want?"

"Ask her."

"Oka-san, do you know who we're talking about? She couldn't look at me when she said… all that. Asking her how she wants her love life to be is like throwing her in front of wolves."

"Is it your position to answer for her?"

"No."

"Well then, just ask her."

"You make it sound so simple."

"No, you are making it too complicated."

Hijikata smiled. "I'm not doing it on purpose. It's only that I don't know what to do."

"And that's why you need to talk more with her, you are not alone in a romantic relationship."

"I know."

A little while later, they stopped in front of Toshiko's room.

"Tomorrow you will ask her, okay?"

"Yes, I will try," Hijikata said, bending down to give her a kiss on her forehead. "Goodnight."

"Sleep well Toshizou."

The next day started with quite a noisy morning.

"Chizuru-nee-san, I see a cat!" Natsu yelled and ran towards the bushes where the small animal was hiding.

"Natsu-kun you need to be quieter when you try to approach an animal," Chizuru said as she kneeled down next to him. She reached out for the cat, waiting for it to sniff at her hand and carefully come forward. Rini stood behind Chizuru and leaned against her back to look over her shoulder to watch the cat come closer. When it was close enough and less scared, Chizuru softly touched it's black fur.

"See? You need to earn their trust to pat them," Chizuru said.

"Can I touch it too?" Natsu asked, his hand already slowly going over it's small back.

"Of course. Do you want to touch it too, Rini-chan?"

The girl nodded and climbed off of Chizuru's back, sitting down next to Natsu.

Chizuru looked over her shoulder to Okimi, who stood a few feet behind them. Being in her presence was still a little uncomfortable. They hadn't really talked after what had happened in the kitchen at their first day here. Girls her age were difficult to talk to, but Chizuru wasn't that much older. She saw Okimi looking at them. This was her chance to get closer to the girl. Chizuru stood up and made her way to Okimi.

"Okimi," she started, hoping Okimi wouldn't feel insulted with her not using an honorific, "do you like animals?"

"Yes, very much."

Chizuru was slightly surprised by the soft tone in her voice.

"Near the place where we used to live, lived some street cats. We always fed them and played with them."

She stopped talking, but Chizuru had the feeling there was more she wanted to say, so she kept silent.

"I liked them very much. But there were some boys who kept pestering all the animals in the neighborhood. And eventually they killed the cats in some really nasty ways." Her voice shook slightly. She brought her right hand up to her other arm and let it rest just above her elbow.

"Is there more to it?"

Okimi shrugged her shoulders. "I never really felt affection towards people, until I met Toshiko-san. And those cats were the first ones I started to like next to my new family. If even animals are to be taken away from me, it's making me feel as if… as if I…"

"As if you're not allowed to keep people or animals close to you. As if you've such a wicked life that the universe doesn't want to give you another chance," Chizuru finished her sentence. She knew how it felt. The whole thing with her father and brother had

made her unfairly a bad person.

"You know how it feels," Okimi said and looked at Chizuru.

Chizuru nodded and gave her a heart warming smile. "But it will get better. When I learned the truth about my family and what they'd done, I thought I didn't deserve to be loved. They were the cause of so many deaths and left me all alone in this world without leaving something behind which I could hold onto to survive. However, the Shinsengumi members didn't even think about letting me down. The insisted on me staying here and helping them. Especially Kondou-san and Hijikata-san had been a great help in my new life, just like how you've met Toshiko-san."

Okimi looked back at the children, still patting the black cat. "You're right."

Chizuru felt content with their conversation. The ice between them had broken. Okimi was a really nice and caring girl underneath her stoic appearance.