The Journals
By: Everleigh Allen
Chapter 5
Wisconsin
1921
I once watched a peep show on a Mutoscope at the penny arcade when I was about sixteen.
I was supposed to go to the store for mother when father came home early from work as he did sometimes when he was under stress.
I knew such busying tasks were more for my good than hers and I knew better than to fight her on it.
I took the coins willingly and left.
There's a thrill of excitement when it's finally your turn and you drop your coin into the unknown. Then the pictures start to play in motion.
I watched the whimsical woman gyrate her dance of seduction as she carefully disrobed. When the pictures stilled, I came away from the machine with a knowing that has never left me to this day.
Luckily, being tasked to go to the store eased my most sensitive nerves back into their rightful place. I quickly bought a loaf of bread to hide any lingering excitement that remained by the time I got back home.
Of course, I know how women view me now.
I know I'm attractive.
Is it not in my very nature to lure them to me?
I could choose any one of them for the taking. I could do the things I see a thousand times a day in the minds of men and women alike.
But I resist.
Before I changed, I only knew seduction only through pictures and films but not love.
My mother's love laced with fear at times.
I know love is fleeting.
It wavers on a string of choices between actions and reactions.
It's seemingly the same with someone's lust and ecstasy.
Is ecstasy fulfilled once pleasure is arched and euphoria is reached or is it an ebbing and flowing emotion that makes you crave another go?
I know intercourse is mere moments of bliss for the man and a task for most women to tolerate.
These moments are seemingly wasted with one whom you do not love but they do it anyway!
It is both irritating and interesting to me since I cannot seem to block their intrusive thoughts on the matter on either side.
I don't want the frivolous attentions of women whom undress me with their eyes while they think of their shopping list.
What I want doesn't exist.
She doesn't exist.
Perhaps such a woman does exist for Carlisle, though.
After almost a year of searching for Esme Anne Platt Evenson in every part of Wisconsin imaginable, we finally found her here in the County Home part of an Asylum in Chippewa County.
It was almost too late.
I sit on the bench outside waiting for Carlisle as I write, trying to pass the time.
I'm surrounded by skeletons of trees as pure white snow falls over me and my words. Each snowflake flutters down gently. It's almost calming if it wasn't for all the screaming in my head.
Instead of zeroing in on the thoughts of Carlisle, I try to concentrate on the beautiful, intricately laced snowflakes while the frigid cold competes with my own flesh and loses.
I am not one for skating truth nor am I one to lie.
Being here is torture.
One male sits in the window watching me and I don't need to look up to see him, to hear him.
He is much like I was before my change.
He knows I am different.
He's observant.
He watches.
He has a knowing about him- others, just as I did… I do.
I know how he got here.
He didn't hold his tongue.
I now know it would've been the same for me had I gone inside, if I was stuck inside. If anyone knew anything about me the way I know about that man.
Is someone really classified as insane if it recognizes the same attributes in another who walks freely?
He wants me to come to him.
Free him in the way only I can.
The thoughts are chaotic, scared, fearful and angry inside.
All are emotions that bring about a vicious cycle of pain.
I cannot help them- anyone.
I cannot ignore them, either.
I cannot save them.
Their torture is my torture and even with the brief escape of the memories of the penny slots- full of wiggling, disrobing women- it does nothing to ease the screaming in my head.
"Would it not be more humane to put them out of their misery?" I asked Carlisle just before he went inside.
"No."
No.
"Murder isn't humane for the one being slayed, is it?" He says with a slight smile.
"No." I smirk, "It would be humane for me since I would finally get peace and quiet."
He laughs lightly but the silence in Carlisle's mind affords him with comfort and compassion.
His doesn't recycle pain, fear, and chaos.
But I know that it's their lot in life as what I am now- is mine.
Finally, I see Carlisle peek his head out of the front door with a sobering look.
I know that look.
It's the same look he gave my mother when she begged him to save me.
"She's here?"
He nodded but he didn't need to tell me.
"Her leg is broken and I suspect her spine is severed. She is still under evaluation but there's not much they can do."
"Which means that she'll die here, otherwise..."
Carlisle looked back inside the building for a moment before looking back at me. "Yes."
"Then let's go get her. The sooner we leave, the sooner I get to go home and away from-" I gestured towards the asylum's residents.
"You're her nephew who's come to take her home."
I nodded and we went inside.
That night, Esme Cullen joined our family and took her place as Carlisle's mate.
Their love didn't teeter.
-EAMC
.
When Alice opened the door of the main house from the kitchen, Bella noticed it was unusually dark even with the random flashes of distant lightning and sporadically placed candles. The ambient light didn't provide any warmth to the shadowy space except to give a hint that there were other rooms.
Within the dim light, Bella could see that there were hints of antique furnishings with thick, glossy wood that framed expensive leather sofas. Bookcases reached skyward at the end of each hall and they were filled with artifacts, vases, and numerous old-fashioned books with man-made bindings.
The musky smell wafted underfoot with each step over the creaking wood floor.
It felt ominous and for the first time Bella was on edge and second thinking the idea of staying there overnight. She wondered what the address was to call a cab and began to fumble for her phone. But as if Alice sensed her apprehension, she grasped Bella by the cuff and held her hand in hers and pulled her along. Bella relented reluctantly and shuddered for a second at Alice's cold hands.
Any of the second thoughts quickly Bella had escaped to the back of her mind and she followed with nervous anticipation.
"Have you lived here long, Alice?"
Alice paused for a slight second. "Long enough," She whispered. She then moved forward with wider steps.
"What's with all the books?"
"Two of my family members collect books. One collects military collectables, books, and various war-time antiques. However, my brother is more meticulous. He tends to enjoy binding… uh… books and journaling. He also tends to collect some art. Of course, you're already acquainting yourself with that particular brother so you may learn to know him on a different level based on his journals than his family would."
"Edward," Bella said in yearning. It was just the slightest whisper but Alice still heard her clearly.
"Yes. Edward." Alice mimicked.
Bella couldn't help but notice Alice's mood had definitely changed. She wasn't sure what- if anything -happened once they crossed from the kitchen and into the main home, but there was definitely something up.
"Here we are," Alice motioned her hand to point at the door and released Bella's hand from her cuff. "You'll notice there's a bell system here. It's antiquated but we didn't seem to need to change it since we don't usually host guests and it hasn't really been used in years. If you need something, ring it. The house is easy to be lost in and it's far easier if you just ring the bell. I can get you whatever is needed."
"Is it just you and me in the house, Alice?"
Alice's lips pierced as if she was contemplating the question. Her eyes glazed over like they sometimes did when she was thinking of things.
"The home is currently occupied. My family has been made aware of your presence but whether they choose to introduce themselves, still remain to be seen."
Bella's eyes narrowed. "So other than you, and Edward-"
Alice visibly shuddered when Bella said his name as a swift gust of air blew the door wide open in front of them where they stood.
"Right. This is where I leave you. The room is stocked with any essentials you may need unless you have any other personal needs?"
"No. I'm fine. Thanks."
Alice nodded and backed away from the room silently as Bella stepped into the room warily. As soon as she entered, the door shut softly behind her without another word.
But as Bella looked around, she didn't feel like she was alone even though there wasn't really anything she could see that would prove otherwise.
With five more steps into the room, Bella found a side table with various keys on a piece of ribbon. She picked it up and found one that locked the door to her room from the inside. Although she thought it was odd, she quickly moved back to the door and locked herself inside.
She thumbed through the other keys. One was for the hutch and she opened it to see it had some clothes in it from all kinds of time periods. From current attire of jeans, tee shirts, pajamas and unmentionables to elaborate gowns, Bella was amused and a bit curious to whom they once belonged and closed the door.
Another key opened a drawer and inside were various pieces of jewelry lying on top of blue velvet. Bella instantly closed it and went down to the next.
It was empty, so were the other two below it. She guessed it was possibly for the guests' personal belongings, closed them quickly, too.
Bella found the bathroom easily since it was already lit when she unlocked and opened the door.
The first thing she noticed was there was no openable window to the outside, just another beautiful stained glass window. This piece was a depiction of a fiery Phoenix rising above the clouds and into a vivid, dark blue sky. She gasped when she saw the muted hues brighten for a moment when the stormy night flashed with nearby lightning.
The rest of the bathroom was much like the kitchen but monochrome. The walls were black, while the tile, tub, and sink were white. The large, inviting claw footed bathtub sat proudly in the corner. Bella smiled, imagining how a hot soak would feel once she got situated but her thoughts instantly turned to how many others once laid in the same ancient tub, trying to wash their day away, too.
She shook her head, trying to dispel the thought and every horror movie with a bathtub in it.
Moving to the sink she saw a new toothbrush, brush, and some of her favorite shampoo, creams, and lotions in the cabinet all set out for her.
Bella stilled.
She looked back out of the bathroom door and into the bedroom. She thought of the hutch and how it held clothes specifically for her. And the jewelry, gowns, and shoes. Items she could only dream about were all there at her fingertips... also probably left just for her.
"It's like they were expecting me," She whispered aloud to herself in the quiet room. In an instant, a draft blew by and caressed the back of her neck. Bella twisted to see if there was someone there, but there wasn't anything noticeable.
Her mind instantly went to the journals and then… to… Edward.
"Don't freak out… don't freak out... don't freak out... don't freak out-"
But Bella was freaking out.
Her heart thundered within her chest, her skin flushed with anxiety as she made herself move from the bathroom and back into the bedroom.
She stood in the door way as the curtains moved slightly and in an instant there was the soft, tinkling, musical notes from a piano started playing within the bedroom. Startled, Bella walked around the hutch carefully where she noticed an iPod mounted over the speaker in the sitting area of the room.
She hadn't noticed the space before, nor did she notice the curtains until they swayed. Bella also didn't or the door than stood just beyond the hutch.
Shaking her head, Bella willed herself to look at what music was playing.
"Clair de Lune, Debussy," she read. The soft notes moved through the room and around her as if it was a warm blanket just out of the dryer. She couldn't help but sway for the slightest second before her mind circled back to how absurdity of it all.
There shouldn't be clothes and shoes for her not any music playing that she didn't turn on. There also shouldn't be a journal to land at her request at the dinner table, or a blanket over her lap when cold.
She didn't think it was an accident that journals were there in the room and lying on the bed.
The room, journals, drafts, clothes… it all meant something and she knew that all those things had something to do with Edward.
Swallowing down her better judgment Bella spoke.
"I know you're here."
It was if they were all clues of the elusive Edward.
Perhaps even Alice was a clue.
She looked around the room trying to get a glimpse of the allusive spirit. "Edward, is it? It's all you, isn't it?"
There was no draft but a shiver moved down her spine as if she was being touched.
Bella moved from the music, turning slowly and looking for anything to be amiss.
There wasn't.
The heat came on in the room and moved over her in waves and her thoughts instantly moved to the hidden door.
With new purpose, Bella grasped the keys in her pocket and ignored the fact she didn't remember stowing them there in the first place.
One moment they were in her hand, the next minute they weren't.
Bella looked at the keys and zeroed in on the one of the two she hadn't used yet. It was small and she plucked it from the other keys that clattered when they fell to the bottom of the ribbon.
Carefully, as if she was Alice in Wonderland and about to follow the allusive rabbit on the other side of the door, Bella put the key in the lock and twisted.
It popped open instantly, jostling her in fright for a moment before the door slowly swung open.
Opening the door, there was no rabbit, just a broom and some cleaning items.
Bella closed the door with a bit of annoyance as she ran her fingers through her hair. "Get a hold of yourself, Bella. You're mad because a creepy door doesn't lead to something scary and different?" But she didn't need to answer herself to know that she was a bit perturbed that it didn't lead to a hidden, secret passage or to another secret room.
Resolving to look again in the daylight, Bella looked back around her room for any trace of Edward before she secured the door with a swift turn of the key.
Moving back to the hutch, Bella quickly unlocked it and pulled out the pajama's left for her. She then made her way to the bathroom, but stilled when she went to shut the door. "If you're in here- and I think you are- I need a minute."
She didn't wait for the draft or an eerie shiver down her spine. Instead, Bella quickly closed the door behind her and sat on the toilet, ignoring the pull chain flusher that still remained from some era passed. Why they updated some items and not others was confusing yet endearing.
For a slight moment, her mind circled back to the fact that she didn't know where she was or the people she was with and as if clockwork, her anxiety showed its ugly head. She instantly felt the panic and nervousness bite at the surface of her skin.
When she looked back at the bathtub and then at her dirty clothes and skin from the car outside, she thought that the might help calm her more if she was clean, even if it a little bit unnerving.
"Take a bath in a haunted house, Bella?" She scoffed, "because that NEVER ended badly for anyone in any horror film."
But she felt grimy.
Against her better judgement, after she lit several fat candles that just happened to be on the edge of the tub, and because there was no shower, Bella made up her mind. She turned on the hot water, poured in a lot of soap to make a lot of bubbles, disrobed, and sunk into the hot, bubbly water.
She turned off the faucet once she was completely covered in water and suds.
Bella dipped the back of her hair into the water but was careful not to put her face underwater. Her eyes were open because if there was something there to drown her she wanted to see them do it.
It wasn't rational at all, but it eased her nerves for a second before the horror of the thought sunk in.
"Death by drowning isn't my preferred way to go, just so you know." Bella spoke into the empty bathroom. Her voice carried along the walls in a slight echo. There was no answer, just more delicate notes from the bedroom. "Not that I've given much thought about how I would die- just… you know… not like this- in a stranger's house in a stranger's bathtub."
There. If there was anyone listening, even Edward, they'd know.
Don't kill her in the bathtub.
It even sounded obtuse to her in her own mind.
"Because, you know, I know you've killed before. I read it in the journals. You probably know exactly what I'm reading, you wrote them." Bella scoffed, jostling the water. "Actually, I'm glad you played something calming like Debussy and not the sound track of the Phantom of the Opera. Maybe save that for the second or third bath if I'm still here," Bella chuckled. She was clearly losing it but the quiet was unnerving so she continued to mumble, "I always thought Christine would be better off with the Phantom, even though he had a bit of a dominating nature. I can't say that I blame him. You can't control how people treat you. I just wonder how he managed to live his whole existence alone. I guess I have a soft heart for the character. I loved the book so much that I saw the movie and the play." She laughed. "Who doesn't like a good guy that's also a bit of a bad guy? I would've gone with him in a hot second."
Bella thought about the movie and the play. "Of course, the Phantom was written as being disgusting, yellow, and smelly but perhaps that would happen to someone living in the underground catacombs. Perhaps if he moved above ground, got a bath or two, and some sunshine he would've been more agreeable?"
For several moments she waited for anything, a draft, a word, a flicker of the flame dancing on the wick.
There was nothing.
"No, I guess not." Bella huffed before she dipped her hands into the warm water and ran them over her face to wash it. "Personally, if I got to choose, I'd think sex would be better way to go… perhaps not for the other party, of course! But for the person going, I'd think it would be the best way. Not that I'd necessarily know…" Bella muttered to herself. "No one would touch me with a ten foot pole in Forks with the Chief of Police as dad. It was like I had the plague. Not that it matters, but I definitely don't have the plague. Can't say it's changed any here in Chicago."
Bella sat with her thoughts for several moments before her mind drifted to some of the guys she saw in Forks. Everyone was all for the Tyler and Mike types at the school but she couldn't see their appeal. Even her dad's buddy Billy's son wasn't even on her radar. Every time he came over with his dad, he'd sit on the couch and played games on his phone. He barely noticed anything, let alone her.
"I guess I'm lucky none liked me like that because then I would've probably stayed and settled there with them," Bella bit her lip. Her pruned fingers were suddenly very interesting. "I wouldn't have stayed for me." She whispered, rubbing at her eyes that suddenly stung. Perhaps she got soap in them, but she knew better.
"Loneliness can be felt the same even in crowd of people or in a bathtub talking to the faucet."
With tears brimming in her eyes and the water growing tepid, Bella felt it was time quickly wash so she could get into the warm bed.
.
A/N: Stopping there… it's 3:30 am and I've read it so many times that it's bleeding together. I get to homeschool the little while we're in a Stay at Home and he's pretty much taken over my computer but I wanted to send it out because I'm already a week late. I'll give it fresh eyes later.
I hope that you all well and safe! I'm staying home and away from people since I have issues that remained from last year when I had mold exposure, asthma, and had upper node bilateral pneumonia. Thank you for reading and reviewing.