Paul opened the kitchen door to see his living room, crowded with white and silver wrapped boxes, "whoa, what's all this? And how the hell did all this get here?" He slowly came farther into the living room, "how many people know we got married? Jesus Christ!"
"What do you mean?" Stephanie closed the door and followed him, "oh my God, are you serious?" She held her hand over her mouth, "Paul, what are we supposed to do with all this?"
He picked a box up and read the tag, this one was from a coworker, he looked at another one, "I'll bet we got one thing from everyone on the office, most of them say names that I barely recognize. He picked up a bigger one, "oh, this one's from my mom." He closed his eyes, "yeah, the ones from her are probably really embarrassing. Let me apologize in advance for that."
She gave him a puzzled glance, "why are you apologizing in advance? What do you have to be embarrassed about?"
"You'll see. Whatever is in the boxes from my mom, be aware, that's all I'm gonna say for the time being. When you open them, you'll see."
"We can't open these," she shook her head, "it's wrong."
"What the hell? What do you mean it's wrong? We're married, we have a shitload of wedding presents." He walked towards his bedroom, "I have to get these pants off, they feel tighter today."
She sat down on his couch, pushing a couple of gifts off the edge to have some space. She read one of the boxes she had put on the floor, it was from her mom and Jack. She put her head in her hands and started to cry, until Paul came back out.
He sighed and fixed his T-shirt, seeing she was sniffling, "hey, Stephanie, are you alright?" He sat across from her, "what's wrong?"
"I lied to so many people. I shouldn't have done this. Why do I feel so bad right now?" She looked up at him, "we don't even deserve all these. We can't open them, it's wrong."
"Maybe you don't deserve them, but, for having to marry you, I think I should be able to open some. I'll bet we'll get a new toaster. I need a new toaster." He sat in his recliner in the room full of presents.
She gave him a dirty look and got up, "I don't want any part of this. You open them yourself then."
He stood up, "no, nuh huh, you made me marry you, don't even think of backing out now, you got us both involved, and now, we both have to suffer, okay?"
"What?" She saw his face, he wasn't playing around, "what are you trying to say? I'm making you suffer?"
"That's not what I meant." He huffed, "we just got married yesterday, and I just don't like the way you're talking right now. I could go to prison for doing this Stephanie. I looked it up online. I could go to jail for at least five years, and pay a 250,000-dollar fine, that's a lot of fucking money. And another thing, I just want to know, how long do you plan on being married?"
"I don't know, I think it's a few years at least." She wiped her face, "five to six years Paul. I just didn't want to tell you until after, so then, we were already married and it would be fine."
"Fine? It would be fine? Cause I'm just totally fine with this? Stephanie, six years at the least, right? I'll be 46 by the time we get divorced? Then what? I spent six years married to someone who only wanted me for citizenship, what happens to me after?"
"I don't know!" She screamed back, "I just wanted to be with my daughter. And Randy's parents won't let me take her anywhere." The tears started to flowing again, "what do you exactly mean by that? So what if you'll be 46 when we get 'divorced'?"
"My mom's gonna be heartbroken that my only marriage blew up, and she has no grandkids from me. I don't like hurting my mom like that. But I did it for you, okay, so, that means, she never gets to know the truth. That's all I have to say. We get divorced and act like its total devastation to me, then, everything will go back to normal. She'll hate you, I'll hate you, there."
"I like your mom." She went back to the couch, "and I really like Laurie. It makes me feel horrible to know I'm lying to people who are nice to me. It felt okay at first because I didn't know them, but now, I feel like such a bitch."
He cleared his throat, "you have no idea how happy Shawn would be with you if he heard that come out of your mouth." He sat in his chair across from her, "but, its good that you like my mom and sister, at least I'm not gonna be the husband who has to choose between his wife and his family."
She smiled, "even if we were married for each other, like a real couple, I couldn't ever make someone pick between me and their family. I could never do that to someone."
"That's good to know." He picked up a box, "now, let's get back to ripping all these open. I want a toaster." He read the tag, "to Mr. and Mrs. Paul Levesque, from Stephen and Maria. Who are they?"
"Stephen Farrelly, he works for me, us." She stuttered, "yeah, he's a nice guy, he's Irish." She picked up a box from the table beside her, "its from my mom and Jack."
"So?" He held up a box of silverware, "what do you think?" He put it down and moved on, "I know Shawn and Rebecca got us something, I have to find that one." He stumbled across the sea of gifts, "I have to know what Shawn got us, he told me he picked it out himself."
"Oh God." She smiled and watched him, "is that a bad thing?" She stared at the backside of his sweats, but caught herself and turned bright red.
"It's probably not good. He's thoughtful, but his kind of thoughtful is not always the right kind."
"But he knows this is all fake. I wouldn't expect anything from him since he knows." She waited.
"He knows, but Rebecca doesn't, she wouldn't let two people get married and not get them a gift. She gets me a birthday present every year, she's awesome." He picked up a box, "ha, found it." He got back to his chair and read the tag, "I hope you like it. The picture in the frame is from me. Love your best friend, Shawn." He smiled and ripped the paper open. When he opened the box, he bit his lip and sighed, "what the hell?"
It was a heavy mirrored-edge picture frame with the word 'love' written in cursive below a picture of an obviously drunk Paul and Stephanie with their mouths sloppily pressed together, "I'll kill that motherfucker if it's the last thing I do." He stood up and tossed the pictured onto the chair, "I'll be right back." He angrily ran to his bedroom.
She tried to see the picture in the chair, but it had landed face down. His bedroom door slammed and she curiously stood up. She grabbed the frame and stared at the picture, horrified, "oh my God." She closed her eyes and sighed, hearing Paul scream from his room.
"Fuck you!" He yelled into the phone the second he heard Shawn's innocent voice, "how the fuck did you get a picture so fast? Why would you even do that?" He screamed into his phone, his voice crackling on the other side.
"Walmart one-hour photo does wonders." Shawn snickered to himself, "do you like it? The frame was like 50 bucks, but I only got a few pictures printed, I got several of those, you think your mom might want one? I think she would."
Paul's face turned bright red, "I can't believe you. You really are trying to push it with me aren't you? You know the truth yet you're being an ass about it."
"Oh shut up. You married her, therefore you deserve all of this. Just wait until you see what Rebecca got you. I didn't tell her anything so she really thinks you two are married and so in love. I would have loved to see you when you got my gift, but hers, I would drive over there right now just to see you open that one. But now that I've told you about it, I know you're gonna find it the second you get off the phone."
"What is it?" Paul opened the sliding glass door to the back balcony for some air, "tell me what it is so if it's that embarrassing, I won't open it in front of Stephanie."
"No, it's a gift, a surprise, I'm not telling you anything." He cleared his throat, "but anyway, I have to go, Rebecca and I are busy, I'll text you later though. Have fun with your new wife Paul. Congratulations." Before another word was said, he quickly hung the phone up.
Paul grumbled and closed his phone, "I'm sure people have gotten married for immigration purposes before. Why does it seem like its so hard for us?" He was mumbling as he came back out, "Shawn's dead. Don't worry."
She nodded, thinking about the picture, "why is he being like that? We haven't done anything to him." It was burned into her brain, the thought made her shudder, "and I thought Shawn was nice."
"He's being a dick." He sat back down, "I actually thought the worst of gifts were going to come from my mom, but now, I'm really not sure." He put his head back and sighed.
The two of them sat in an awkward silence before she picked up the box from her parents again, "I don't want to open the ones from my mom. She's so happy for us, and it's a lie."
"So what? Nobody will ever have to know." He grabbed another one, "no name, but there's a card." He opened the envelope and squinted at the card, "I know this is such a common gift, but it looked good to me. Congratulations. John Cena." He put the card on the table beside him, "who's John Cena?"
"Another coworker Paul." She watched him open the slightly large box, only to reveal a brand new toaster, "would you look at that, you got what you wanted."
"It's a nice one too." He laughed, "okay I've opened two, your turn." He put the toaster on the floor, "if you don't want to open the one from your parents, open a different one, come on."
She grabbed one from his mother, its said it was to her, not to the both of them. When she got the box open, she saw a little bit of lace and stuck her hand inside to see if it was what she thought. It was a set of lingerie. Her face turned red and she jumped up, "I'm just gonna go out this away."
"What is it?" He asked, noticing the color she was, "was it from my mom? If it was, I already know what it is."
"Yes, it was from your mother." She threw the box in her bedroom and stared at it, "lingerie is so slutty," she whispered to herself, reopening the box and pulling the outfit all the way out. One the inside, she thought about what it would be like to wear something like this for someone, but she was married to Pail, and it wasn't going to happen, "why would she get that?"
"Cause she gets it for free. She is the owner of a very successful set of, let's just say, 'adult' stores. She has like ten of them now." He sat back, "her and my dad started it just after they had me."
"Embarrassing much?" She sat down, "interesting to say the least."
"You have no idea. As a kid, when it was time for sex-ed, I already knew everything, plus more that I probably didn't need to know as young as I was." He nodded, "its surprising that my sister has all those kids considering all the product placement with condoms my mom has done." He thought for a second, "actually, no, its not really surprising at all that she has four kids, its amazing she doesn't have more."