Chapter 3
The Blueberry Son Returns From Exile
It is now 195 M42 in the gigantic palace of the emperor, The Imperial Palace. Basically its an oversize tomb where the Throne Emperor is connected to the Astronomican, the big ass space beacon to help the Imperium's ships navigate in the Warp. Its an oversize golden palace that takes up a thousand landscapes with gothic designs that is almost as big and grimdark as the Emperor of Mankind's ego with thousands upon thousands of people lined up with a literal reference to Stairway to Heaven known as, Eternity Gate. The bodyguards usually wear their golden armor but instead run around in their loincloths, prancing around in body oil and fap around on Thursdays. But let's focus on where we should be focusing.
In the Library Sanctus, Magnus, the Primarch and reformed Daemon Prince, is reading a large stack of books he got from, The Black Library, after going through many hurdles in order to read the books. He hums while enjoying his reading while in his normal form rather than the form Tzeentch cursed him with.
"[Super Ultra Sigh]" However, Roboute Guilliman, Primarch of the Ultramarines has entered. "I've come back from exile." he says in an unenthusiastic and worn-out tone.
"Hello, Guilliman~." Magnus sounds happy, "How are you today?" The reason being is because of the books he got and spent 195 years reading their contents.
"[Ultra Groan] To tell you the truth, my brother, not great. I spent 195 years trying to stop the chapters from killing the Primaris Space Marines."
Prometheus, 20.M42
Many members of the Salamanders are in the Master Forge in celebration of a new battle brother with Tu'Shan and He'Stan there, greeting their newest member of the chapter.
"Welcome to the Salamanders," the forgefather (He'Stan) says, "and we hope your skills in forging will be unpar in battle as well! Even though your helmet design sucks."
"Thank you!" the new Salamander speaks, "Let me take off my helmet and greet you all with my own eyes." He struggles to take it off, "Let me just..." he takes it off and shows that he has brown skin and dark brown eyes rather than the obsidian black skin and red eyes like all the others. "There we go."
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He'Stan screams.
One of the marines takes off their helmet and vomits.
"THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR SKIN!" the chapter master (Tu'Shan) yells.
"What?" says the marine, "I'm black. Just like everyone else."
"THAT'S NOT BLACK!" Tu'Shan takes his helmet off, "THIS IS BLACK!" He shows his obsidian colored skin and red eyes. "WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SONS OF VULKAN! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN HIS IMAGE WHILE SPREADING FRIENDSHIP IN THIS HARSH GALAXY!"
Everyone take their helmets off to show the exact same skin and eye coloration they have.
"Oh come on." the new marine replies in a jolly matter, "Does my skin color really matter if I'm in the Salamanders?"
"YES!" they all went.
The marine pause for a few moments, "...wow... You guys are racists."
Invasion of the Odoacer System
The 5th Company of the White Scars go by super fast as they destroy the Word Bearers on their bikes across Almace as they let out their warcries and kill them with their power lances and chainswords. However, a squad of Primaris White Scars are taking it slow and are dragging the rest behind.
Captain Suboden Khan turns around and tells the Primaris Marines while high on speed, "Youfuckersaresuperslow! Slowslowslowslowslow! YouPrimarisMarinesareanembarrasmenttotheWhiteScars! Youmoronsdeserveaslowdeath! Yourbikerhelmetssuck! Losers!" Then he turned around and zooms to catch up with the rest of his company.
"Did anyone understood what he said?" the lieutenant of the Primaris squad asked.
"How the fuck did we ended-up on this chapter?"
Then they all got killed by their own tanks.
On Fenris, 100.M42
In an icy wilderness, all the Primaris Marines are stripped of their gear and armor while on an iceberg with Primarch Leman Russ on land.
"Ye pathetic excuse of Space Wolves are hereby sentence to death by freezing in the cold waters of Fenris. Yw lack the proper hairs for being men of Fenris, ye lack the ways of being a wolf, ye can't get a turn on by wolf tits, and your helmets suck! You're all just cheap clones of the Ultramarines in Space Wolf armor!"
All the Primaris Space Marines have their iceberg destroyed while being chained to their ankles connected to anvils. They all plunge into the icy deeps of the ocean and drown.
The Rock, 108.M42
On the floating asteroid starship that was part of Caliban, many Primaris Space Marines have been jettison out of it and are sentence to burn to death on the lava planet below.
Asmodai screams, "HOW THIS FOR REPENTING MOTHERFUCKERS!?"
The Eternal Crusader 110.M42
In the Chamber of the High Marshal, Helbrecht is lecturing the Primaris Space Marines.
"Now do you understand why we don't follow that dumb Codex Astartes! Plus, we must follow our tempered anger and hatred for the xenos and heretics."
They all raise their hands.
Helbrecht picks one of them, "Yes, you!"
"I believe we should follow it and the Black Templars should've since its founding. And no one here is angry nor feel hatred."
All the Primaris Marines nod and are in agreement.
Helbrechts head turns bright red in sheer anger and orders, "PURGE THESE ULTRAMARINE SPIES AND THEIR STUPID HELMETS!"
The Firstborn Black Templars started killing the Primaris Black Templars in a hate-filled frenzy.
AN: I've got plenty more, but there's a limit. Let me know if you guys want more hatred for the Primaris Space Marines.
Present Day
"Wow." Magnus went, "That must be rough."
"You have no idea."
"But to be honest, they are like you and your Ultramarines. Plus they don't have the flaws that make up all the chapters. Those flaws give those chapters their identities. Like with the Blood Angels' with their red thirst and black rage, the canine teeth of the Space Wolves, the White Scars addiction to speed and so on. If you take those away, they're just Ultramarines in a different suit of power armor."
"Yeah. I had to go back to fucking Mars and undo the fucking flaws and let the fucking chapters have their shit back! How come something new and improved comes along and everyone is against it!? If we stay in our shitty little bubbles, humanity will never advance!"
"Tell that to the Adeptus Mechanicum." Magnus then returns to reading his book, "Not to mention that not everyone welcomes change unless its our father."
"Now we have two. One's a skeletal paraplegic that is sitting on a golden lighthouse port-a-potty, and one is waay nicer than the skeleton. Kinda like Vulkan but with extra compassion."
[Non-Existent Spine Getting Chilled] Magnus stops reading and looks at his brother, "At least, He's more understanding than that glorified dog treat." Then continues to read.
"Yeah, He's better I guess." A moment of silence filled the air before Roboute gets curious at what Magnus is reading, "What'cha reading there?"
Magnus answers while continuing to read, "A tome about the accounts of Eldar history before Slaanesh was created. You're Eldar girlfriend might like it."
"Whoa now! [Nervous Chuckle] Yvraine and I aren't dating. We're just...uh... Mutual acquaintances?"
[Amused Snicker] "Yeah right. Well anyway, this is an interesting tome that is part two of a series and...it contains... What the fuck?" Magnus stops reading and takes a closer examination of the tome, "There 're pages missing." He flips the pages back and fourth, "There are three chapters missing."
"What?" Rouboute takes a closer look.
"Yeah. Three whole chapters are completely gone." Magnus grabs another book and check its contents. "Some sections of this particular book are gone." Then checks another, "And so is this one. What the Warp!?"
"Maybe someone before you took out some of those pages."
Magnus stands up as he towers over his brother, "I'll check with Cegorach in the Black Library about this."
One Trip to the Black Library Later
From the doorways to The Black Library, an extremely loud shriek can be heard as Magnus and Roboute bolted out and slam the doors shut. Their backs are against the door as Cegorach continues to scream.
"I think he took that rather well." Roboute speaks.
"Ya think!?" Magnus isn't amuse. "He's been guarding and safekeeping this library for an untold number of millenniums! Finding out that some of the books have been tampered with makes him upset! I would be to!"
"Let's get back home."
They return to the Library Sanctus as they look over the old tomes and try to figure out why are some of the books have their pages missing. Out of the one hundred tomes Magnus got, he finally found one.
"I got it!" Magnus holds a red leather-bound book. "The Disappearances of the Aeldari!"
They both sat down and read the book with Magnus reading, "According to this tome here: Many of our people have been taken by a strange primitive species known as; Terrans."
"That's a term for humans from Holy Terra back with this place was called, Terra."
"In exchange for any information regarding the movements of the Terran Empire, they gave prisoners from their empire for them to conduct experiments on them. They were taken someplace where these group of Terrans that no longer exist in the materium nor the Warp. Spies were sent to investigate and the only clue that was gathered is that they are in the galactic west on the very edge of the galaxy. One scout said that there exist experiments involving psyker powers without any aid from the Warp. This include a special technology that-" Magnus turns the page, "And the rest of it is blank."
"Hmm..." Roboute ponders for a moment, "This 'special technology', could it be a reference to the Omnicopaeia? A collection of STCs that contain blueprints to psychic components and technology?"
"It does sound like it. We should tell father of this."
"Which one?"
"Both. But since he's not here, I'm afraid we have to go to the throne room and talk to him."
"Fuck!"
The two are now in the throne room with the skeletal, living corpse of the Emperor of Mankind himself.
"ELLIPSES" the Emperor typed on his text-to-speech device.
Captain-General Kitten is there, "Oh, Roboute Guilliman! You've returned from exile! For what do we owe the pleasure?"
"YES. TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT YOU MISERABLE ULTRASMURF SHITSTAIN IN THE GALAXY."
Roboute mumbles to himself, "Okay, you can deal with this." Then he speaks to his father, "Throne-Father, upon my return, I have been helping Magnus doing some investigation about some tomes missing a few pages and many others are blank."
Magnus holds up the red tome, "I believe it involves a topic in this particular book. Something about Eldar being sold off or being kidnapped. It doesn't explain much, but perhaps since you are the oldest human there is-"
"AND I AM AWESOME."
Magnus' enthusiasm lowers, "...you might tell us about what happened despite your degrading memory."
"THROW IT TO ME."
Magnus tosses the book at his father and the Emperor catches it with his powers and speed read through it until he stops at the same section.
"H-M-M-M" the Emperor typed, "TO BE HONEST, THIS IS NEW TO ME. I WAS BUSY TRYING TO PREPARE FOR WHEN I MAKE MY ASCENSION AS THE EMPEROR DURING THE DARK AGE OF TECHNOLOGY WHILE ALSO DISCOVERING CHAOS ON THE PLANET, MELOCH, WITH ANOTHER PERPETUAL. AND ENJOYING A FEW VACATION PLANETS WHILE GETTING HIGH ON DRUGS."
"That might explain it." Magnus says.
"SUNCAT."
"Yes, my Emperor." Kitten replies.
"DID YOU SAY THAT A DELAYED REPORT FROM THE BLACK TEMPLARS MENTION SOME STRANGE NEW SOLAR SYSTEMS THAT NEVER EXISTED BEFORE?"
"Yes, my lord. Due to the Great Rift, many reports have been suffering from delays but it is true about some new solar systems in the galactic west that had appeared after the creation of it. I got it five years ago while also telling the Inquisitors to hold off of on any form of exterminatuses due to the lack of resources."
Somewhere in the Galaxy...
An inquisitor is in the bridge of his ship as he nervously sweats while looking at the BIG, RED BUTTON that has the words, 'Exterminatus' on it.
"I don't need it." says the inquisitor as he contemplates, "I definitely don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't need it." But he snaps, "I NEEEEEED IIIIT!" and bangs his head repeatedly on the button which cause the ship to destroy a mining world below.
"Although its really hard to break their old habits."
"THEN HAVE THE ADEPTUS ARBITES BRING DOWN THE LAW ON THEM FOR THEY ARE THE LAWGIVERS."
"Uh...right."
The Emperor turn his attention towards his Primarch sons, "BACK ON TOPIC, SINCE WE ARE RUNNING LOW ON RESOURCES BECAUSE OF WHAT FAILBADON DID, PERHAPS AN EXPEDITION IS NEEDED IN ORDER TO GET OUR RESOURCES BACK ON TRACK. IF THIS KEEPS UP, WE MAY HAVE TO RATION WHATEVER WE HAVE LEFT. PREPARE WHATEVER YOU CAN."
"But there's more." Magnus says.
"OH?"
"We believe that the Omnicopaeia is there. A set of legendary STCs that practically everyone is after."
Roboute says, "I know a guy who knows a guy who has been dedicating his entire life searching for it. So we can recruit some Adeptus Mechanicus members. Do you have a phone?"
On Mars
Deep in the underbelly of Mars, a servitor skull with a phone on it that is ringing. Belisarius Cawl answers it.
"*normal voice* Hello? *female voice* Fabricator-General Belisarius Cawl here, *monster voice* FUCKING WHAT!? ... *female voice* Roboute Guilliman! *normal voice* What can I do for you, *monster voice* SEXY MEAT! ... Uh-huh...uh-huh... *female voice." Delphin Gruss' contact info-*normal voice* number? Of course! *monster voice* That asshole has it coming! *female voice* I'll send you the info, sweet-*normal voice*-my lord-*monster voice*-I LOVE YOU! SENDING IN THE DATA...NOW!"
The servitor skull next to Guilliman wrote the contact number down, "Thank you. Let me know if the new batch of Primaris Marines are ready. Okay, bye." He hands up, "He should really get out more often."
"That covers that part." Magnus says, "Now to get some people to join us on our expedition."
A synthetic male voice says, "Did somebody say...expedition?" Hi-ya hi-ya! Santodes enters with the Pillar Men Theme on full blast.
AN: If any of you from YouTube that did a few reactions, the Stripstoddes or Fabulous Custodes are based off the Pillar Men from JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, NOT Fist of the North Star, you failures of anime lovers. It was obvious from the music (if you watch the series), the names and the poses. Watch it!
"Santodes!" Kitten is surprised, "I thought you were still sleeping."
"I heard that Holy Terra is in quite a pickle. Since the Custodes are allowed to leave the palace, I SHALL GO FORTH FOR HONOR AND GLORY FOR THE IMPERIUM!"
The other three Fabstodues join in after jumping into the frame, "WE'RE COMING, TOO!"
Karstodes says with great excitement, "A chance to fight alongside out boy, Santodes, is a great opportunity!"
Wanmuustodes speaks, "Not to mention that we're already running low on body oil."
"The four of us fighting together again!" says Custodisi, "And we get to fight alongside our Primarch brothers." He looks at Magnus, "Including you, hot stuff."
"Um...thanks?" Magnus is feeling a bit cringy. "But we still have to gather our forces."
"Why not include some of your new sons?" Guilliman suggests.
"I would, but they're too busy trying to say what kind of god father is."
In a giant marble hall, one side of the new chapter, The Golden Magicians, believe that the Emperor of Mankind is a Chaos God. On the other side, we have the Gold Order believing that the Emperor of Mankind is a Law God. Both are Magnus' new chapters but they don't get along.
Golden Magicians Chapter Master shouts, "For the last time, OUR EMPEROR IS THE CHAOS GOD OF UNBELIEF!"
The Gold Order shouts back, "HE'S A GOD OF LAW! HE BROUGHT ORDER TO THE IMPERIUM!"
"CHAOS!"
"LAW!"
"CHAOS!"
"LAW!"
"CHAOS!"
An Arbite gets between the two, "LAAAAAAAAAWWWW!"
"But I do know one chapter that are my sons yet have been loyal to the Imperium for untold number of years and are infamous for stealing shit."
Kitten speaks, "You mean, the Blood Ravens?"
"Yes! Those thieving magpies are perfect for the job. [Chaotic Snickering]"
Roboute tells about his forces, "To be honest, I'm getting sick and tired of my Ultramarines. But we need them for a victory considering that they keep winning...*agitated yell* EVERY TIME! *speaks normally* Yet I could get a few of my other sons as back-up. Plus we could use some of the chapters from the Homebrew wiki under Free Use to promote more fan-made materials as well." The Emperor smacks him on the head with a psychic fist. "Ow!"
"NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO HAVE FOURTH-DEGREE INTERDIMENSIONAL WARP-FUCKERY BUT I. AND I WILL APPROVE THIS EXPEDITION TO THE MOST DESOLATE EDGES OF THE SEGMENTUM PACIFICUS. PLUS I GET TO ENJOY SOME TIME WITH MYSELF WHILE LISTENING TO POTATO CHIP'S STORIES ABOUT THESE OTHER CHAPTERS THAT ARE GOING WITH YOU. BY MY CALCULATIONS; YOU WILL HAVE THE FORCES NECESSARY IN FIVE YEARS CONSIDERING THE STATE OF THE GALAXY. MAKE SURE TO GET SOME BOOKS SO WE CAN HAVE VOXCASTS ABOUT THIS NEW FACTION WE ARE GONNA FACE."
Kitten asks, "Can I join in?"
Magnus pulls out a pen and paper, "Time for some bonding exercises!"
Rogal Dorn says not too far away, "...No."